Remember Me

Amnesia is an very serious issue.

From what I've heard anyways. I never thought it would come down to me though. I mean that there is like a million fish in the sea. Why me?

I laid on the ridged cold table. Bright lights gleamed around the room, but you'd think if they were smart, they'd know that there is nothing they could do to save me. They could pick my brain as much as they'd like, but there is nothing left to say now when my mind is so blank. I cannot remember anything. So I have nothing to stress about. I lay there, looking around my surroundings with all certainty. I had hope when I first woke. Not anymore. I can't be scared when I'm not really sure what that emotion means anymore... There is nothing they can do to save me. They tell me when they come in that they would like forbid anyone to visit me to keep my from the risk of losing all ability to remember at all if they all start pressuring me on rather or not I can remember them.

With an shallow nod from side to side I've given them permission to keep what my life had been before at bay. I lay back against the crinkly paper covered pillow. Trying to rest my weary mind. It raced rather I wanted it to or not. Trying to muster up enough of an thought to get me to remember who I was and why I was here. Who was out there beyond the doors, waiting to be summoned. Well whoever it is will just have to go home with empty hope because I have no hope for being capable of getting out of this bed and carrying on with life where it left off. Unfortunately for me, it wouldn't do that now, and probably never. Amnesia is very unforgiving. And I don't really think that it is willing to make an exception for me.

There was one thing that scared me though... There were no thoughts... No memories. No names... Who am I? What is left of whatever life I lived? I can't see it. Like something is blocking it and my memories are very obvious to me.  

I looked around the room with minimum movements.
The walls were pale rosy pink. An band of wood trim cut around the middle of the room. Making the area beneath the wood an pristine white tile pattern that wound from my bed against the wall to the area near the door. I held my breath, but it didn't change the headache from whatever injury had caused it.

No one would tell me. I'd ask the nurses with my slurred speech. They'd look at me synthetically sigh and walk away leaving me un-answered. Or was it because they couldn't understand me at all? My whole language system turned on it's head because of all of this.

I crossed my arms as well as I could with the Iv pulling at my wrist stubbornly. It pinched but I would feel much better pouting with my arms crossed across my chest tightly than pouting limply. I could tell straight away though, whatever life it was that I had lived, I was an stubborn person. No doubt.

I couldn't make sense of my scattered thoughts. I'd do my best to remember and be patient waiting for the hours to pass before the doctor, an nurse or somebody comes to relieve me of waiting: even then it was bitter to watch them look at you with dead unphased eyes. Already in their eyes you could see what was lying on their lips to say. “Your dying. Your going to die of this.”

I guess that it didn't matter to me what they actually had to say when they visited. Just that they did and didn't leave me alone again. 

I laid back and listened after the doctor left the room, talking to an nurse in the hall. He may have been whispering. But I heard the words loud and clear.

“There is no way she can survive this... Her brain is bleeding internally. Chances are she will die in sleep. Or, we could save her soul ourselves.” The doctor said more quietly.

I frowned. Save my soul? It slowly clicked, the small fragments fell together and I realized with a horrified glance towards the door, that they were probably planning on euthanizing me.

“She has no family or friends to make the decision for her.”

That you know of, smartass...

Then who had been waiting to meet me almost an week ago and hadn't been back since? I quickly gathered what thoughts I had and moved as quickly as I could manage. I yanked myself upright in bed shoving myself up to my feet. But my face and hands met the floor instead. I shook my head. I'm not staying. I won't be an guinea pig for their experiments. I scrambled across the tiles to the window. My legs were of jelly. Like thorns and needles pricking the soles of my feet, my legs wobbly and threatening to tumble out from underneath me.

I held the hospital bed railing tightly with both hands. Get a grip, get a grip... I took deep shaky breaths that blended together into a panicked pant that made me feeling light headed and like I would pass out at any minute. I moved my left foot forward, then right, slowly repeating that pattern until I tore my hands away from the railing, and slowly approached the window. I looked out it briefly at the veil of dark storm clouds outside.

Ok...

I pulled up into the window the best that I could. Pulling it open with weak lacy fingers.
I felt like I really had no control of my movements. Just that I managed to make them work somehow amazed me itself. I laid in that hard bed for so long, I'm surprised that I'm mobile at all.
I was on the fraying edges of going crazy in here.

I restrained an scream that echoed in my empty mind as I climbed through the open window. I scraped my palms on the wood and my hospital robe snagged a little on a stray nail. I yanked it back and pulled my legs in front of me. I held my breath, looking below a whole story, the sidewalk lined with Juniper berry bushes. Holding tightly onto the frame, I dangled my legs over, and finally, I pushed myself from the window and freefell to the ground that arrived all too soon.

I bit my lip to keep from screaming. Little sappy needles stabbed me all over like in the hospital. Thorns jabbed into my back, legs and forearms. I struggled to free myself, the sap was in my short hair, I felt it on my face. It smelled woodsy, and stinky. I winced at the smell, grabbing blindly for a branch to grab onto.

I felt the need to run. But I was paralyzed. The pain from the fall. Out of an second story window. Im just glad that the hospital is fairly short. If it's been any taller, I probably would have broken my leg and ended up back in there.

I pushed myself over until I fell onto the sidewalk. I scrambled to my feet. Tripping on an regular basis as I slowly regained my energy and strength, which was dwindling at the same time. What was fueling me was the thought of escape. I won't be apart of their experiments. I gained that as my energy and forced myself farther. I tripped a lot. Trying to keep the speed I don't have. I was probably an klutz in my previous life anyways.

I scraped my knees all up, and drops of blood fell from the cuts. As I progressed, I started to look less like an hospital escapee and more like a dead hospital ward from a horror movie.

I could only imagine what my face looked like. Yet I couldn't. I tried to use my imagination, but that was probably as good as trying to guess the color of 7.

I kept going for blocks at an time before I'd fall on my face. Regain my balance and keep going. I felt like an cornered animal. Eventually turning to fight. I suddenly felt the instinct someone was chasing me. Following me. I darted down an alley way and threw myself into an open door. Scrambling to my feet, I spun around. Steam rolled off the tops of pots, sizzling all around me, beeping and casual conversation. I didn't stay long, as I hurried out of the kitchen and into the front room of a large restaurant. It had an certain scent to it, meatish... I couldn't exactly place it.

I couldn't think! An massive headache took over my head. I contained the scream and turned to look behind me where three men stood with these weird objects. I felt like I knew what they were, but after an week in that nut house, everything screams torture. Torture, torture, torture...
I swallowed tightly and threw myself through rows of round tables and booths. Music, sweet music filled the air. People stared at me as I went. Stumbling past their tables. I didn't have the time to care. Only run, run and never stop. If I stop they could get me...

I glanced down at myself slightly disoriented, I blinked, vision slanting a little, I stumble forwards and caught myself on the corner of a table.

“We are the Sweet Children band from Rodeo California!” yelled one of the three men. Who really looked more like an seventeen year old boy.

He had curly blond hair, jade green eyes and an few tattoos. I ripped away my eyes and continued running. I don't have forever to explain what everyone in this damn restaurant looks like.  I turned and ran. Headed for another door that I hoped didn't lead back to the kitchen. But right now, any new kind of safety is better than the last.

I would be glad to wield any kind of safety. 
I was looking over my shoulder and instead of slamming into the door like I'd expected, I slammed into someone. I stumbled back onto the floor dazed.
I looked up to see an middle-aged woman. Wearing an apron stained with the food I'd just dumped on her. I tripped over my tongue for an apology. But then figured it just be better not to say anything at all cause my voice was probably so foreign it was alien. I hadn't really talked since waking up in the hospital and decided to keep it that way. Regardless of the guilt.

She pursed her lips and looked down at her apron. Then down at me. An sudden light lit in her eyes of curiosity. She didn't look mad like I'd imagined her to be. I'm not exactly an normal patron.
She chuckled slightly and bent over me to help me to my feet. “Do you need something?” she asked. Smiling slightly.

I choked back anything I might have to say. Then shrugged. Then nodded. Feeling the stinging feeling in my eyes of hopelessness. That's the only emotion I have left that I recognize. If I knew happiness, I'd be screaming it was wrong and foreign. Hopelessness is the only thing I've got.
She looked at my hospital gown. Now just as stained as hers. Something clicked in her eyes as she took my numb cold hand and led me carefully into the kitchen.

I was bony and ridged. Not at all the pretty model girl you might be invisioning. I could imagine what the doctors had said before I left. It's probably because I wouldn't eat a damn thing they fed me because I feared that they had poisoned it or something. I followed her Through the room avoiding other people and into a small room where the walls were lined in small blue lockers. When we were inside she closed the door and locked it behind her. Glad it was empty. She looked me in the eyes earnestly. Then her eyes darted to the bit of red on my wrist. She took my bony wrist carefully in both of her warm hands and examined it. “Iv?” she asked looking into my eyes for an second.

I just nodded. Praying I was right of my assumptions. I was having memory loss still since the hospital. Maybe I'd get lucky and it'd all erase.

She nodded too, but in an thoughtful way. She turned and reached up on an wire rack. Grabbing an first aid kit. She motioned for me to sit down on an upside down bucket in the corner. I did as she said. Hopeful that she could help me and not sent me back to the hospital to be tortured.

She didn't say much as she mended me. Placing an bandaid over the cut. Then she looked at my stained gown again “Hon, do you need something new to wear?” she asked softly.

“I don't need you getting caught again. I'm going to help you.” she said calmly. I nodded once.
She rose from her spot in front of me and opened her locker. Handing me an pair of jeans and an t-shirt. She nodded once and left the room and me alone. I looked at the clothing. They may be a tad big on me, but it's better than this.

But as I dressed, I wondered why she'd said that. That she'd help me, they wouldn't get me... It didn't ease my nerves any, only made me more edgy.

I pulled the gown over my head and put on the replacements. Putting my discarded robe in the bottom of the tall plastic trashcan in the corner.

I looked in an mirror on the wall. I don't remember this person with spiky shoulder length black hair and jade green eyes. I smoothed out my hair with an shaking hand.

You're okay.... I lied to myself in my head pathetically. You're okay...

I took a breath and opened the door and went back outside to see exactly that twenty minutes had changed me.