Remember Me

I was safe for now I guess. I avoided all locations that Billie might look for me. I don't want him coming after me. I need some alone time. I just need to think about everything before I give up and flee town with nothing but the clothes on my back and my dog. I felt utterly helpless here and felt like everything that had occurred tonight was my fault. I have such a big mouth and sometimes I wish I couldn't speak anymore. Then I wouldn't always have to worry about saying the wrong things. But still, no matter what it is we wish for and how hard we wish for it. It typically does not come true and we tend to give up on if.

The place I'd walked to was empty. There was gravel. In long, moonlight bleach streaks down from me that seemed to go on for miles. There were no trees. No sounds and I could see every star in that midnight sky. I could see the moon beaming bright. Surrounded by all those stars. Always bright, even when covered by clouds, they still find a way out and a way to shine on. I crossed across the first gravel strip and tripped over something hard. My palmed finding a hard wooden surface. As I sat up, I could touch the cool iron and the rough railroad ties. A train track? I wonder if its in service anymore...

I stood up and dusted off my jeans and walked carefully over the remainder of track until I was safe of the gravel strip on the other side. I stopped then, and knelt beside checkers. Eventually just sitting down beside him while he laid down and rested his head in my lap. I unconsciously smoothed his fur with my hand as I sat there thinking. Looking up at all those bright stars. It must be ten by now. I left the house a half hour ago. But it already feels so distant. Like it was forever ago...

I don't really think anyone enjoys getting yelled at. Especially not by the woman you'd come to think of as your mom over the span of two weeks. After she'd seen every shade of me.

When I was anxious when we first met. Too scared to apologize for having dumped food all over her. The time I ripped my wrists open and bled all over but she remained calm and unfazed. She had seen me go through all those awkward stages of the beginning of the friendship and eventually the relationship between me and Billie. Shed seen me cry, she has seen me laugh. Seen me dance, kiss, hug, curse, scream, yell and be happy. Like all these phases are part of our human nature. We use them as outlets for what we feel when calm words aren't enough. We need emotion to be people. It's apart of us. Too much to let go. I also have a lot of memories with Ollie. I smiled to myself as I recall a few.
At the beach, while she talked to Tré enthusiastically about a video game she had never played and surely had no interest in doing so, but still gave him the time of day and listened. Taking me out dress shopping for the big dance she had been so excited for. But now I'm not even sure if we are going. Like what if Billie is done with us? There is nothing left to salvage and its time to live and let die? I heavy, emotion driven sigh escaped my lips. Echoing in the empty air how hopeless I was feeling. I have no home. I have no past. I am lost out here and am not even sure if I could find my way back if I had too. I'm lost just like the stray dog I am. Who I've become. Perhaps this was always in the cards for me. To never belong anyways because you will always stick out like the thing that cat drug in.

Even Billie's siblings narrowed their eyes at mr when I informed them of my known past. Hollie and Dave were pretty understanding of it. Alan looked a little weirded out by it. And I don't even know the other siblings reactions. I wonder if I'd even like to know...

Another deep breath. Another wave of hopelessness. The record store is probably closed right now so I couldn't go and talk to Jason and let him console me with stories of my real past since it seems like he witnessed more of it then I actually did. I feel really lost right now. 
I ran a hand through my shaggy black hair. Trying to come up with something to think about to get my mind off of this. The stress is eating me from the inside out. I've been so worried about Billie the last couple days, I've barely given my own condition the slightest glance. I'm sick. I know I am. I have to have more then just amnesia. The doctor said so. I eavesdropped and heard him say it myself. But then there was that little spark of hope in my heart that maybe he had been talking about someone else. But still? Testing euthanizarion on humans who have no present family or friends? I shuttered at the thought.

Maybe everything I've done is a lie and was always meant to backfire. Maybe it was never intended that I live?

My heard snapped up and I realized I'd dozed off while thinking. But I was on red alert now because in the darkness, I heard the very clear sounds of scuffing foot steps. Someone else was here besides myself. Who though? Drug dealers? Partier's who hang out here on the weekends? As I listened. I could only make out one set of foot falls. So who was it then? I sunk down so I was hidden a little more behind the track and peeked over it to see some black figure in the darkness. His walking pattern was concerned. He was grumbling about something. And as he paced back and forth along a short length of railroad, I picked out the name Ollie. And by instinct I could swear it was Billie. I couldn't see him well in the darkness but I was so sure of myself that I was willing to give myself away. I scooted up a little to get a better view. The hair was dark and short, I wouldn't be able to tell if it was blur or not in the moonlight that bleached everything blue. He was reasonably tall. About the same height as Billie. Wearing that familiar leather jacket...

I stumbled to my feet.

“Billie?” I croaked. Then I could swear he hadn't heard me. “Billie? Is that you?” I asked. Tugging on Checkers leash a little to get him up to follow me over to the person I believed to be Billie.

His head snapped up and those dark eyes fixed upon my face. In the moonlight I could make out silvery streaks down his face from tear tracks. It made me feel terrible now for having run. I whimpered and ran to him. Slamming into it familiar chest while he tightly crushed me in a hug and he pressed his face into my hair. We stood like that for a little bit. The nights events deposing in our minds while silent tears dripped down our cheeks staining the others clothes.

“I'm so sorry Adeline...” he murmured to me.

I pulled back a little. “Its not your fault Billie. If I hadn't gotten involved it probably would have ended much better.” I sighed and looked down at the ground.

He sighed “No. Um actually I think you may have eased the situation. You may be one Ollie's shit list right now, but hey! She's a very forgiving woman.”

I sighed and continued to look down “I don't want to take advantage of her forgiveness...” I whispered outloud. Doubting he had heard me at all

“Aidie, don't you worry about anything anymore. We'll be ok. We can leave if you'd like. We'll never have to see Brad or Ollie again if you don't want to.” he assured me why lifting my chin to see my eyes.

I nodded slowly to convince him. I really didn't want to leave Ollie. But right now, Billie was offering an alternate life for the both of us. Leave? Like go away and don't come back kind of leave? I oddly liked that factor more then I should, I nodded once more and hugged him. We'd be alright.

“You're right.” I sniffed “We need to get away.”

“I've got some money saved. I'm eighteen, a legal adult, we can get an apartment in Berkeley or Oakland, anywhere you'd like.” he assured me.

“What about Mike and Tré?” I ask.

“Mike can come with us, Tré can visit on weekends if he'd like. Hell he could even move in with us too.”

I nodded again. Beginning to like the idea of disappearing more than I should. I finally broke a smile and looked at him sincerely when I heard a train horn, answering my question from earlier. The track was indeed still in service.

“I see you found Christie Road.” Billie chuckled as I looked around us and spotted the headlights of an approaching train about an mile off. 

I nodded “That's what this place is?”

He nodded too with a light smile on his lips. “You like it?”

I nodded 

“I come out here to think a lot. I came to think about tonight. Also because I was stressing because I couldn't find you. I haven't been here in a while.” he observed the area around us.

The trains horn blared again and a sly smile crossed Billie's lips
“Have you ever jumped onto a moving train?” 

I looked him in the eye to see if he was serious about this activity “How would I know?”

He shrugged “C'mon, it's fun.”

“What about Checker's?” I called after him. He was already starting forward towards the tracks where the train was getting closer. I took in a deep breath and followed him. He knelt before Checkers and picked him up. Holding him close to his chest as he stood before the moving train. Then all of the sudden he runs, jumps and lands in the car with slight wobbling before gaining his balance and disappearing inside. Leaving me here watching the cars go by. I sucked in a puff of air and the nerve and took off running as he had and leapt inside. Grabbing the handle on the side of the door. Yanking myself in with all my strength and gasping for air once I was inside.
The door at the end of the car slid open and Billie led Checkers in so we could all be together. I dangled my feet over the sides of the train car and watched the black city slide by in a dim blur. In the distance I could make out the shapes of a few Suburban houses and the lights on inside of them bit not much else.

“Where does this train go?” I asked in awe.

“It cuts through Rodeo again, through Berkeley, a little bit of Oakland and then back around to Rodeo again. Don't worry though, well be back by about ten tomorrow afternoon.”

I nodded and smiled and watched the cityscape fly by, revealing the remainder of Rodeo before we were back into the houseless scenery.