Remember Me

I went to bed around ten last night. And still managed to get plenty of sleep. I rubbed my eyes of sleep and sat at the kitchen table while Ollie made pancakes. Tré made an reappearance sometime this morning. Now he pounded his fists on the table in excitement for breakfast. Billie and Mike flipped through the newspaper. Looking for some opportunity that their music could be involved. Charity concerts or not, that shit still gets you fans regardless. And if not, it still puts you out there an little farther than you were last time.
I held what Billie called an 'pencil' in my hand. I studied it carefully. Trying to figure out the proper way to hold it. When I thought I was doing it right, I drew on my napkin. Horrible little wingdings. But as it all became clear of what the image was becoming, I realized it was my vision from yesterday and I waded it up in an ball and scored it in the trashcan. I leaned back in my chair with my hands crossed over my chest. I think the last time I did this was before I abandoned the hospital. In terms of this new life I have now, it's the best decision I've made yet. And I'm proud of that much.
Ollie sat an towering plate of chocolate chip pancakes in the center of the table. After Tré took half of the stack, he got weird looks from us all, then we all forked up an few and set them on our plates. Somehow Tré had talked Ollie into talking to him about his computer game. And Billie and Mike were discussing the things they could do to better their band. I was free to think in peace and not have to worry about pleasing everyone. It's better for me that way I guess. Ollie gets work off tomorrow, but lucky us for getting up early enough to get her to make breakfast.
I took an deep breath and leaned back. Listening to Ollie bustle around the house. The shattering sound when she dropped her keys. The rubbing sound of her shoelaces as she tied them. I sighed, I was always so much more aware of the people around me than myself.
I closed my eyes and let the busy household blur away from any thought of concern. Just rest and avoid thinking about my bleeding brain. Why hadn't it taken me yet? I had been very patient the last three days, now I'm becoming very skeptical it will ever come down to that. So I'm thinking it's safe to start making plans for days far away without the constant fear of waking up with an horrible, final headache. Or worse, not waking up at all.
I picked at my nails. Unsure what my agenda was for today, but already relying on Billie to make us a plan. I was already expecting him to spend the day with me. And that was very very selfish. But on one hand, I loved him dearly like an brother and wanted to spend every second with him. And on the other hand, I hated him like he was an hostile stranger threatening my peace with his undeniable rays of sunshine. Like I'd rather just sit curled up in a ball in the corner, hugging my legs and rocking back and forth. Waiting for the power of Christ to strike me and take my empty soul to heaven. Or wherever I belong. Cause I cannot say who or what exactly I was before any of this. And I'm not so sure it's an good thing that I don't remember. Buts it's good enough for now.
I wasn't tired enough to go take an nap or something productive like that. I just wanted someone to hang out with. To enjoy. But when your so low. It'd kill you to bring up your energy enough to even attempt to make friends.
I needed to go get dressed, so let's hope that will pertain my attention for long enough that Billie will come up with something. He hasn't talked to me much today. Either the be nice to the mute facade wore off, or his attention span did. But if I kept believing in him like Ollie told me too, he'll come around. Even Tré had mentioned something like that on our house tour, he had said Billie was a little touchy. Well he can have all the space he needs. I'll be as patient as I possibly can.
I went and got dressed, lagged around in my room for twenty minutes before I forced myself off the bed and down the hall.
Where I smacked into Billie exiting his room. And like yesterday morning, he steadied me. I'd almost think he was ambushing me...
“Oh hey Whatsername. You want to go with me to the record store?” he asked casually. But yet he made it sound like an date.
I'm sure my eyes were probably sparkling with joy so I nodded quickly and got on some shoes.
He pulled me along, connected at the elbows like an old marry couple from the 50's. We walked down the street to where the record store apparently was. I saw my reflection in a few of the shop windows. My hair looked unnaturally cut. Probably courtesy of them damn doctors at the hospital. I rubbed and ruffled it self consciously. And shambled along behind Billie. Who was just as bright as an tulip and fresh as an rain drop. He smiled sweetly to nobody in particular as we walked the long stretch of sidewalk to the record store. Billie had insisted that he needed more music. But because I haven't seen his collection, I can't judge him or nag him about it. Just follow him silently.
He pulled open the door of an small red brick building and went inside. I followed him in, amazed at the ton of cd's records and other music merch there was here. I watched Billie flip through an few stacks of records without much interest: he seemed to be in his element here. I lounged on him and watched him choose something.
When he had chose three cd's we made our way to the counter. The cashier looked younger than Billie amazingly. His name tag labeled him as Jason. He smiled openly and checked out Billie's items. Put them in an bag and wished us good day. And it was, or at least it was starting out to be.
We walked up the streets toward Billie's house again. I wondered where Mike and Tré had run off to. When we walked up the driveway, I could hear the thrashing sounds of music without an amp. Mike pounded away on and bass while Tré paddled away on the drums.
Billie went inside an left his bag on his bed, picked up an leather jacket off an chrome hook on the back of the bedroom door and turned to smile at me “I've got another place to take you today.” he said secretly. Scratching his blond curls before draping it over his arm and going back outside again. He barely said goodbye to Mike and Tré as we walked to the curb again.
This time he went right, toward downtown Rodeo. I followed him, making more of an effort to keep up this time. The hot California sun blistered and made the concrete sidewalk an blinding white. Either way any weather is still better than being in an cold empty hospital. I was certain of that.
It was warm out today. The sky a bright, brilliant blue. A few thin white clouds were spread across the sky. I looked up at thr buildings around us. Squat brick apartments and businesses along the empty street. The cracked asphalt road broke off onto many different streets. We had walked far enough to be out of the neighborhood territory and we walked in that awkward area of town that was half town and half neighborhood. I looked up ahead and saw a large area of fenced in trees.
We walked an bit farther, passing an cemetery. Billie ran his hand across the wrought iron gate. Looking over it at all the tomb stones.
I touched the gate gingerly, looking up at Billie as he bit his lip. Scanning it over.
“My dad is buried in there. I never visit anymore.” he said sadly. His eyes landing on an grave beneath an leaning dogwood.
I touched his arm softly.
He turned to look at my eyes. Nodded slightly, looking a tad sheepish as he pulled open the gate and started up the trail.