Facedown

/ Matty's POV /

Serenity was everything to me. She understood me. All the stupid things I said and came up with -- she loved it. If I had to talk about one girl I loved the most, it would be her. I loved the way she bit her lip when she was frustrated, I loved the way her short blonde hair framed that perfect, round face of hers, I loved the dimple on the right side of her back, I loved her dark brown eyes that shone under the night sky; I loved her.

Our relationship was effortless. We rarely fought, and even if we did, it was nothing but harmless. We'd spend most of our time partying and getting high, and making love to each other. We were so in love that nothing else mattered but each other. I looked at her like she was my everything, and she looked at me like I was everything she needed in life. Life was good.

She fit her name well, she always seemed to calm me, put me at ease. She was selfless. I was selfish to come into her life and destroy her innocence. Her life was all my fault, no one could blame her for her curiosity towards me. They blamed me, heck I blamed myself.

♥-♥

I felt giddy to the point where I was about to puke. I've been touring for 4 months straight, having no spare time as it was just show after show. It was great but all I wanted to do was be in Serenity's arms. At first it was easy, we'd skype or call everyday after the show, I'd send her postcards and gifts, it was like she was with me. After a few weeks, things started to get distant. Our calls and skype sessions got less frequent, I'd stopped sending her things; Whenever I contacted her, she never replied. I felt like I did something wrong. She'd reassure me that it was nothing and that she loves me. I would get frustrated but when the three words left her mouth, everything around me brightened. I felt at ease and those were the moments I held onto when touring.

I opened our [i/] apartment door and sighed in relief as I got the sense of calmness. I was home. [/] I called out her name several times but there was no response. Weird. I went to every room but there were no signs of her. Everything was how I left it but her, she wasn't there. I called her phone and heard it ring from the bedroom. I searched for her phone to find it under the bed that was surrounded by glass alcohol bottles, bottles of pills and smoked blunts. My mind was in a daze, I didn't know what had happened and I didn't know what to expect.

I called her parents, siblings and even her friends but they seemed to be rejecting my calls. I wasted no time in rushing to her best friend, Jane's house. I did not stop pounding on her door until she opened it. What caught me off guard was that when she opened it, she had slapped me right across the face then hugged me tightly, crying into my chest.

What killed me was the words she had said to me. I felt dizzy and sick to the gut. I didn't know what to do, all I wanted to do was drink till I was numb to the bone. As Jane wiped her tears, she handed me an envelope that was addressed to me. It said To my Matty dearest, love Serenity. Jane told me to read it when we got to the hospital then those words tumbled out of her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I found Serenity on the edge of the bed, lifeless. She's in a coma because of her overdose."

As we both cried, well more like she cried and I tried not to, we went to the hospital to visit Serenity's almost lifeless body. She looked hauntingly beautiful. I mean she would always be beautiful to me no matter what but I felt as if this was God's way of telling me that I ruined a perfect angel. Her mother hugged me tightly and let me have my time with Serenity. That's when I broke down, involuntary sobs coming out of my chest and tears running down my pale cheeks. I held her hand tightly and prayed to God that he'd let me have her back in my arms.

I foolishly kissed her and called out her name, wishing she'd instantly wake up, but I was left disappointed. I cried and cried until I had nothing left to cry out. I took the letter she wrote me, out of my back pocket and cautiously ripped it open. My heart fluttered at the familiar writing of hers.

'To my Matthew dearest,

You're probably wondering why I wrote this instead of telling this to you in person. Honestly, I don't know. When you left me on tour, I was alright. Then all of a sudden something hit me like a ton of bricks and I struggled through the days. God, how I miss you so much Matty. I miss being in your arms, you whispering loving things in my ear as I fell asleep. I miss you so so much that it hurts. It seemed like my life meant nothing without you. I felt lost, like I didn't belong. What got me through was drugs and alcohol.

I know Matty, you're disappointed in me. I am too. But I couldn't help it. I went to rehab for a week but gave up because I couldn't handle it. I'm so so sorry. I love you and I miss you.

As you are reading this now, I would either be dead or close to being dead. I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye properly. It would kill me to see your face. I love you Matthew, so so much and I'm sorry for how things turned out but it is my time to go. We're all dying slowly, but my time is finally here. I'm not trying to commit suicide, but I have a feeling that these will be the last days I have left.

This is not your fault. It's mine. I've been foolish to let my life depend on yours. I'm sorry. I love you. Thank you for letting me experience what true love is even though we're still young. Thank you for teaching me how to live. I'll make sure to use the things you taught me, up there. I'll be looking down on you baby. Please move on from me, don't let my death weigh you down. I love you and I'll miss you.

Lots of love,
Serenity.

P.s. Please tell everyone that I love them, especially my parents. I love you baby, to the moon and back.

P.p.s. If I'm somewhat in a coma and on lifeline, I want you to convince everyone to plug it out. I don't care what you or anyone say. That's my last wish in life. I just want to die peacefully. Please Matthew, do this for me. Show my parents this letter to convince them to plug it out. Please please please Matty. If you love me, you'd do this for me. Please. I love you.'

I had lost it. Everything that was holding me together shattered into a million broken pieces. I let out all my emotions and I cried to you. I shook you and kissed you and called out your name at least a hundred times before giving up. I shouldn't have given up on you, but I did. I sat there again, kissing you and telling you how much I love you and how much I miss you, in hope that you'd answer me back.

Serenity, it hurts just saying your name. I was too delirious to realise that you're not coming back, ever. Why did it happen to you? I would do anything to reverse our roles, so that I'd be the one dead and you'd be alive with everyone who loves you. I'm sorry for ruining your life. If I had left you alone that day, you wouldn't be into drugs and you'd be the best doctor known to mankind. I'm sorry for being selfish, I love you.

I forced everyone bone in my body to let you go. I cried to your parents to let you go. At first they hated me for saying such a thing but when I showed them the letter you wrote for me, they apologised a hundred times to no one in particular. I don't know if you realise how much you're loved down here. Your parents love you, your little brother loves you, Jane loves you, I love you.
I'm sorry baby. I'm so so sorry for being selfish and not leaving you alone on the day we met. If I didn't go up to you that day, you'd still be alive, living a happy, healthy life. I'm sorry baby, I love you so so much.

Goodbye Serenity, I love you.

' Broken heads in hospital beds, saving ends and pulling your friends while you're chasing the first line. We made it though. He's black and blue and facedown. She's rushing in your bed, you take draws to sort your head facedown, then he said I lost my head. Can you see it'