14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19
-1-
Blinding white overhead lights nearly kept me from opening my eyes. My head pounded with dull pain. The history obviously kept on repeat. This situation was not new to me anymore. I could feel them; staring hard at me from behind the thick, impenetrable glass wall. Their beady eyes were dead set on me, like I was a rabid animal about to be exterminated. The hunger for knowledge resplendent in their eyes made my stomach revolt in disgust. I was here for their entertainment, nothing more than a laboratory mouse.
Squirming on the cold metal chair, I attempted to force my limbs into motion. But it was pointless. My wrists were bound tightly to the legs of the chair, the heavy chains cutting into my delicate skin. The doors opened and I jerked. A searing pain erupted inside, my nerve receptors recognizing the unbearable pressure on the abused skin. A man in white lab coat came in. My eyes widened and my body unconsciously tensed up. He sat down in front of me and I could see something hidden behind his back. I did not want to appear too curious. I did not want to be punished again. I was a good girl after all. I nodded my head resolvedly to confirm my inner voice. I could still feel the pain from the previous night when I struggled to bed after another horrifying night of punishment. It was supposed to be only a short session of ‘teaching’, but for me it seemed like hours.
The man on the chair smiled. Had it been under any other circumstances, I would have found his features pleasant. His hair was the colour of honey, smoothly falling down over his forehead. His eyes were falsely kind as he looked at me, accompanied by a sickly warm smile on his perfectly shaped lips. He was handsome like the models I remembered seeing on the front pages of fashion magazines. Handsome, yet revolting at the same time.
“Hello, number 14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19. How are you doing today?”
The number was degrading. In their eyes we were nothing more than useful creatures. They marked us with serial number, each of them having the same meaning. We were Needless.
I gulped hard and tasted bile at the back of my throat. His breath stunk and he smiled again, revealing rotten black teeth. I cringed inwardly and tried to stay focused.
“I am good, thank you, sir,” I lied. I did not want to lie but felt compelled to. I wanted to scream and let the others know what was happening here. But in the end, it would only make the matters worse. I averted my gaze to avoid his sordid smile.
“That is great. We have a schedule. You are aware of it, right?”
“Yes, sir, I am aware of it,” I nodded, my voice a vain whisper. He drummed his fingers against the metallic surface of the table that separated us.
“Today you will be telling me your feelings.” He showed me the material from behind his back. They were papers. He took the first one off the top and showed it to me. “What do you feel, number 14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19?”
It was innocently plain and white, yet my body tingled in reaction to it. I knew what my task was and I decided to fulfil it. “It is dangerous. I do not know what to expect. It feels like it can betray me anytime soon.”
He put the paper aside and my body relaxed until he shoved another paper up, holding it high so I could see it. The yellow colour was blinding me. “It is sad and pains me. It is cold. It causes goosebumps to appear on my skin.”
He nodded and smiled.
I attempted to please him with a smile as well, but the faint grin swept off my face when the next test was revealed. My eyes widened in fear and I bit my lip hard, tearing the skin of my bottom lip apart. I could taste the blood flooding into my mouth as I screamed in horror. “Put it away! It disturbs me. It triggers every nerve in my body and makes me want to run away.” Tears filled my eyes and I could feel an invisible lump form in my throat.
Putting away the plain baby blue sheet of paper, he came closer. He knelt down next to me and wiped the salty tear tracks from my cheek. I jerked when his icy cold hand came in contact with my heated skin. He cupped my cheek, and smoothed my hair before returning to his place. His actions were supposed to calm me down, but his hands only caused my heart to race. It was like the heart tried to exhaust itself and stop its motion. I was frightened of his close proximity.
I surveyed my surroundings and found the others exactly as they were before – behind the glass wall, still staring at me. Except now, their gazes were empty. Sheets of paper filled their hands and a shiver went through my body. Something was telling me this was not good.
“Number 14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19!” the man yelled.
I snapped back from my thoughts and saw something what would scare others. But I reacted calmly. The sedate man transformed into a creature with formidable black eyes. His cheeks were interwoven with holes which revealed his rotten set of teeth. Within a blink of an eye, the imagery of the scary man disappeared and I was left with a raging beast sitting before me.
“You are supposed to be listening to me and not daydreaming!” He slammed his hand hard onto the table top, yelling. I cowered and slumped further into my chair, lowering my head.
“I am sorry, sir. It will not happen again,” I assured him. He calmed down and the pulsating vein on his neck became less visible. He leaned onto the table, sighing.
“You keep on disobeying the orders.”
I shook my head frantically, too scared to say anything in my defense. He wrote something down and the blood in my veins boiled. It was always like this. He never explained anything. He just examined me, gave me tests, wrote something down and punished me afterwards.
“We will go on with the test.”
I nodded. The fear still had my tongue tied up. He picked up a paper. It was pitch black and I smiled unconsciously. I could hear some noise from behind the glass wall, but I ignored it. I wanted to touch the black paper but the heaviness around my wrist reminded me of the bound chains. I tugged but they refused to budge. Like a moth drawn to the flame, I wanted to dive into the darkness displayed in front of me.
“Tell me your feelings,” he commanded.
I squirmed to get the words out of my mouth. I parted my lips but nothing came.
“Tell me your feelings.”
His voice resonated in my ears. My vocal chords tightened as I let out a high pitched shriek.
“Tell me your feelings!”
Now he was shouting at me. I swallowed the saliva in my mouth nervously. I did not turn to look at him like I did in the past. Instead, I kept my gaze fixed on the beauty in front of me. “I feel warmth and home. It feels good.”
My breathing became laboured. Something inside was screaming at me, but I ignored it. The sound of a lock being opened echoed in my ears and the restrains around my wrists fell away. I automatically reached out for the picture, only to be jerked backwards. Muscular hands trapped me in their death grip and I fought hard. I couldn’t breathe. The innate task became harder and harder with every increasing inch between Perfection and me.
“Take her!”
I ignored the barking voice in the back of my mind. I ignored the suffocating grip around my body. All I wanted was to dive into pure nothing. It was warm and it was beckoning me. Nothing else mattered in that moment.
The cold surface of the table pressed hard against my cheek as I was pinned down. I thrashed around, kicking. I could feel someone’s fingers digging into my skin. They tried to muffle my screams but I bit them. Another person approached. Someone unfamiliar. I wasn’t sure if it was a woman or man. The tears in their eyes almost yielded my trust, but the cruel smile on their lips sent another message. I continued to fight and struggle when the doctor made his appearance. My arm had been snatched and sharp needle forcefully penetrated my skin, piercing my flesh painfully. I screamed for dear life, but no one acknowledged my presence. A warm sensation filled my veins and my body grew limp. My vision blurred and I screamed on the top of my lungs.
“I have to get it.”
The words were murmured quietly, but I couldn’t understand them. I tried to lift, my now freed hand, but it would not respond. It felt like someone had cut off all communication to my brain. I turned my head to the side and found the source and unknown creature. Their lips were moving - talking. I swallowed hard and felt the dryness there. I was thirsty. I wanted some water, but I couldn’t voice my request. The sounds were muffled, like I was underwater. There were dark spots in my vision which were slowly growing dim. My vision left me completely and I was suddenly engulfed by darkness. The parting words echoed in my ears as I blacked out:
“Eliminate her. She knows too much. Continue with next specimen.”
Squirming on the cold metal chair, I attempted to force my limbs into motion. But it was pointless. My wrists were bound tightly to the legs of the chair, the heavy chains cutting into my delicate skin. The doors opened and I jerked. A searing pain erupted inside, my nerve receptors recognizing the unbearable pressure on the abused skin. A man in white lab coat came in. My eyes widened and my body unconsciously tensed up. He sat down in front of me and I could see something hidden behind his back. I did not want to appear too curious. I did not want to be punished again. I was a good girl after all. I nodded my head resolvedly to confirm my inner voice. I could still feel the pain from the previous night when I struggled to bed after another horrifying night of punishment. It was supposed to be only a short session of ‘teaching’, but for me it seemed like hours.
The man on the chair smiled. Had it been under any other circumstances, I would have found his features pleasant. His hair was the colour of honey, smoothly falling down over his forehead. His eyes were falsely kind as he looked at me, accompanied by a sickly warm smile on his perfectly shaped lips. He was handsome like the models I remembered seeing on the front pages of fashion magazines. Handsome, yet revolting at the same time.
“Hello, number 14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19. How are you doing today?”
The number was degrading. In their eyes we were nothing more than useful creatures. They marked us with serial number, each of them having the same meaning. We were Needless.
I gulped hard and tasted bile at the back of my throat. His breath stunk and he smiled again, revealing rotten black teeth. I cringed inwardly and tried to stay focused.
“I am good, thank you, sir,” I lied. I did not want to lie but felt compelled to. I wanted to scream and let the others know what was happening here. But in the end, it would only make the matters worse. I averted my gaze to avoid his sordid smile.
“That is great. We have a schedule. You are aware of it, right?”
“Yes, sir, I am aware of it,” I nodded, my voice a vain whisper. He drummed his fingers against the metallic surface of the table that separated us.
“Today you will be telling me your feelings.” He showed me the material from behind his back. They were papers. He took the first one off the top and showed it to me. “What do you feel, number 14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19?”
It was innocently plain and white, yet my body tingled in reaction to it. I knew what my task was and I decided to fulfil it. “It is dangerous. I do not know what to expect. It feels like it can betray me anytime soon.”
He put the paper aside and my body relaxed until he shoved another paper up, holding it high so I could see it. The yellow colour was blinding me. “It is sad and pains me. It is cold. It causes goosebumps to appear on my skin.”
He nodded and smiled.
I attempted to please him with a smile as well, but the faint grin swept off my face when the next test was revealed. My eyes widened in fear and I bit my lip hard, tearing the skin of my bottom lip apart. I could taste the blood flooding into my mouth as I screamed in horror. “Put it away! It disturbs me. It triggers every nerve in my body and makes me want to run away.” Tears filled my eyes and I could feel an invisible lump form in my throat.
Putting away the plain baby blue sheet of paper, he came closer. He knelt down next to me and wiped the salty tear tracks from my cheek. I jerked when his icy cold hand came in contact with my heated skin. He cupped my cheek, and smoothed my hair before returning to his place. His actions were supposed to calm me down, but his hands only caused my heart to race. It was like the heart tried to exhaust itself and stop its motion. I was frightened of his close proximity.
I surveyed my surroundings and found the others exactly as they were before – behind the glass wall, still staring at me. Except now, their gazes were empty. Sheets of paper filled their hands and a shiver went through my body. Something was telling me this was not good.
“Number 14.5.5.4.12.5.19.19!” the man yelled.
I snapped back from my thoughts and saw something what would scare others. But I reacted calmly. The sedate man transformed into a creature with formidable black eyes. His cheeks were interwoven with holes which revealed his rotten set of teeth. Within a blink of an eye, the imagery of the scary man disappeared and I was left with a raging beast sitting before me.
“You are supposed to be listening to me and not daydreaming!” He slammed his hand hard onto the table top, yelling. I cowered and slumped further into my chair, lowering my head.
“I am sorry, sir. It will not happen again,” I assured him. He calmed down and the pulsating vein on his neck became less visible. He leaned onto the table, sighing.
“You keep on disobeying the orders.”
I shook my head frantically, too scared to say anything in my defense. He wrote something down and the blood in my veins boiled. It was always like this. He never explained anything. He just examined me, gave me tests, wrote something down and punished me afterwards.
“We will go on with the test.”
I nodded. The fear still had my tongue tied up. He picked up a paper. It was pitch black and I smiled unconsciously. I could hear some noise from behind the glass wall, but I ignored it. I wanted to touch the black paper but the heaviness around my wrist reminded me of the bound chains. I tugged but they refused to budge. Like a moth drawn to the flame, I wanted to dive into the darkness displayed in front of me.
“Tell me your feelings,” he commanded.
I squirmed to get the words out of my mouth. I parted my lips but nothing came.
“Tell me your feelings.”
His voice resonated in my ears. My vocal chords tightened as I let out a high pitched shriek.
“Tell me your feelings!”
Now he was shouting at me. I swallowed the saliva in my mouth nervously. I did not turn to look at him like I did in the past. Instead, I kept my gaze fixed on the beauty in front of me. “I feel warmth and home. It feels good.”
My breathing became laboured. Something inside was screaming at me, but I ignored it. The sound of a lock being opened echoed in my ears and the restrains around my wrists fell away. I automatically reached out for the picture, only to be jerked backwards. Muscular hands trapped me in their death grip and I fought hard. I couldn’t breathe. The innate task became harder and harder with every increasing inch between Perfection and me.
“Take her!”
I ignored the barking voice in the back of my mind. I ignored the suffocating grip around my body. All I wanted was to dive into pure nothing. It was warm and it was beckoning me. Nothing else mattered in that moment.
The cold surface of the table pressed hard against my cheek as I was pinned down. I thrashed around, kicking. I could feel someone’s fingers digging into my skin. They tried to muffle my screams but I bit them. Another person approached. Someone unfamiliar. I wasn’t sure if it was a woman or man. The tears in their eyes almost yielded my trust, but the cruel smile on their lips sent another message. I continued to fight and struggle when the doctor made his appearance. My arm had been snatched and sharp needle forcefully penetrated my skin, piercing my flesh painfully. I screamed for dear life, but no one acknowledged my presence. A warm sensation filled my veins and my body grew limp. My vision blurred and I screamed on the top of my lungs.
“I have to get it.”
The words were murmured quietly, but I couldn’t understand them. I tried to lift, my now freed hand, but it would not respond. It felt like someone had cut off all communication to my brain. I turned my head to the side and found the source and unknown creature. Their lips were moving - talking. I swallowed hard and felt the dryness there. I was thirsty. I wanted some water, but I couldn’t voice my request. The sounds were muffled, like I was underwater. There were dark spots in my vision which were slowly growing dim. My vision left me completely and I was suddenly engulfed by darkness. The parting words echoed in my ears as I blacked out:
“Eliminate her. She knows too much. Continue with next specimen.”