Something Told Me to Run

I was the one responsible for this and I had to come to terms with it; I was the one who ran when things got tough. When he was ready to get better I was ready to fall even further. It was all just so hard and I didn’t know what I got myself into. One minute we were eating cheeseburgers at his favorite burger place the next we were doing anything we could to buy heroin. He wasn’t eating and I was prostituting myself. We were a tragic love story, one doomed from the beginning and maybe I should have recognized it. I was just some naïve girl looking for some adventure and he was this asshole musician and that combination never works. He was letting the fame get to his head and I was so infatuated with him that I would do anything to stand by him.

And I did. No matter what he did I was standing right beside him supporting him with everything I have. I gave him my life and he turned it to ruins. I realized he isn’t completely to blame because he didn’t stick the needle in my arm, not in the beginning anyway. I was hesitant but I said yes to the drugs. I said yes to the alcohol. I said yes to it all and sure I should have said no, I should have been stronger but I wasn’t. And I was so in love with him that there was no way I could say no. That’s the thing about Josh. Although he’s kind of a dick he’s so charming and handsome that any bad qualities about him disappear. I overlooked a lot of things about him and our relationship, the biggest being how terribly toxic we were for each other.

By the end of the relationship I knew things were getting really bad. Josh had somehow managed to hide his addiction for some time but it was unraveling and he could hardly get himself out of bed in the morning or really just take care of himself. He still wasn’t eating and he was just skin and bones. I was sleeping with older men for money and digging around anywhere I was for any trace of heroin. And since Josh didn’t eat, I didn’t eat much at all. Not like we had money for food anyway. Josh was spending all of his money on the band or on drugs and I wasn’t working, only being a whore and that money was used for drugs.

I remember the day perfectly. When I woke up Josh was surprisingly already up and had all of his things packed. I instantly knew what was happening and I also knew right away there was no way I was going with him. He said his peace and begged me to join him but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. So I ran. I ran away from him, his habits, his dirty apartment and never looked back.

++

I didn’t think this was a good idea but my therapist said it was the perfect idea, it would give me the closure I’ve been needing. I had to say it made sense but I’m absolutely terrified. It’s been six years since I’ve seen him and I don’t even know if he wants to see me. I’m just now getting my life together and he’s doing so well for himself. He made such a great decision by getting clean and sober when he did and me, well I’m 27 and I still don’t have everything together. I’m still working a part time job in a shitty apartment but at least I’m sober. If nothing else, I’m sober and clean of any STD’s amazingly enough and I’m proud of that. I may not be proud of what I’m doing but I am proud of how far I’ve come. We’re obviously two different people still and I’m just not sure if this is a good idea or not.

I want to run again. I want to turn from this crowd and walk right back to my car and crawl in bed and never get back out. I made a promise to my therapist that I wouldn’t. I promised her I wouldn’t run anymore and although this is one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do I have to stand my ground no matter how uncomfortable it makes me.

It felt like forever but finally the lights dim and the crowd cheers and Josh Ramsay walks onto that stage taking my breath away. Marianas Trench jumps right into the first song and I’m so overcome with emotions that I don’t know what to do. So I just stand there with my hands covering my mouth and watch the boy I once knew live out his dream. Everyone in the venue is singing and dancing and jumping and they are doing this for him. I can’t imagine how he feels about this; on many of our late nights where we talked about life he would go on and on about his dream to be a musician and here he is.

Once the initial shock wore off I was able to fully enjoy the show. That is until I noticed a tall, thin brunette standing where I once stood. It made sense. Josh moved on; not just from our old lifestyle but from me as well. It hurt though, more than I realized at first. I fought with myself to be happy for him because he deserves this. He deserves to be clean and sober, to be happy, to have this sold out show and to have a woman by his side that was strong enough to stand there. If this woman could stand where I once stood deserves to be there. I gave up the right to stand there the second I ran from him.

++

I kept my eyes closed and counting until ten, then until twenty so she could try to stay as calm as possible. The breathing exercises weren’t really helping so I just gave up and tried to stop the shaking in my hands. I finally just stepped forward and maneuvered my way so I could be looking right at Josh. He was only two people away from me at this point and I felt like my heart was going to pound out of my chest so I gave the counting another try. I counted to a hundred and forty before I was finally in front of him and anything I planned to say escaped the second his eyes met mine.

“Audrey.” My heart melted at the sound of my name on his lips, just like the first time he ever said it.

“Hello Josh.”

“You’re alive.”

I laughed and started to cry as much as I didn’t want to. Josh immediately wrapped his arms around me and held me tight; I could have sworn I heard him sniffle as well but I knew better than to believe that Josh would show weakness in front of all these people.

“We can’t talk here. Can you wait until I’m done here?” Josh whispered.

Well, I wasn’t really expecting that but I wasn’t just going to say no. “Yeah, I can.”

“Great. Meet me at Romer’s. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Okay.”

Josh hugged me tight, “You’re alive.” He whispered. “I’m so relieved.”

I shut my eyes and kept them tight trying to get rid of the tears and finally moved away from him. “You were amazing, Josh. Truly beautiful.” I could tell everyone around us were wondering what was going on so I tried to act as normal as I could. “Can I have a picture before I go?”

“Of course.”

Josh’s arm found its way around my neck like it always did and my arm wrapped around his waist. I held my phone out to one of the girls so she could take our picture. I knew I probably looked horrid but I didn’t care. Josh was happy to see me and that’s all I cared about.

“Thank you.” I told the girl and turned back to Josh. “And thank you. I’ll see you around.”

“See you around, drive safe.”

I wanted to hug him again but suddenly felt very nervous so I settled for a smile and walked away allowing someone else to meet the man I just fell back in love with. I didn’t dare look at the picture until I was at Romer’s and when I was finally able to I couldn’t look away. I was right, I looked pretty terrible and Josh looked about the same. The difference however is that we looked healthy, we looked happy and most of all we looked like a couple. That acknowledgement sent a rush down my spine and I wasn’t really sure what to think. I shouldn’t think about it of course since he probably has a girlfriend and well, we just reconnected. There was no way he was just going to accept me into his life, no matter how badly I wanted in.

Vancouver nights were always quite bitter so after sitting in my car for a while I decided just to go inside and of course, like fate or something, our booth was open. I requested the booth and sat down closing my eyes and allowing my emotions to come across me in a wave. I was itching to get away, my body was ready to get up and get back in my car. Something told me to run but this time I didn’t listen. I ignored my turning mind, my shaking hands and restless legs and stood where I was. If that woman could have my spot by the stage then I could have this booth. This was my booth, our booth, and I was entitled to it. I wouldn’t allow anyone to take it away from me, not even myself.

I kept starring at the picture of Josh and I until I could finally stare at the real thing as he walked through the doors and immediately looked for our booth. He smiled and sat down across from me, running his hands on the seat and then the table.

“Wow.” He murmured.

“I know.”

He didn’t have to say anything; I knew exactly what he was thinking.

Before we could even try to start a conversation a waitress walked over and asked us what we wanted to eat. We both ordered our usual without question and just stared at each other for a moment before he finally spoke.

“You look amazing.”

I blushed and shook my head, “Me? Josh, you look so great. You look so healthy and happy.”

“I am, I really am.”

“That’s so good Josh, I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you Audrey.” Josh told me smiling. “How have you been doing?

“Better, much better. It took a long time Josh, I won’t lie. I finally got my shit together and I’ve been sober for two years now. It’s still so hard. God, I’m triggered like every day.”

“I would love to tell you it gets easier but that’s not always the case.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “You’ve always been the honest type.”

“Always.” I smiled and shook my head a little, staring at him for so long was beginning to make my heart hurt. “So are you in some type of program or what?”

“No, not anymore. I mean obviously I was when I first went to rehab but I’m just in therapy now. My therapist suggested my next step was to try to reconnect with you.”

“Oh?” Josh raised his eyebrow, “And what do you think?”

I wanted to tell him that I thought this was a huge mistake because I was falling deeper and deeper into those blue eyes of his and I didn’t know if I could come out.

Instead I shrugged, “I think I’m panicking right now.”

“Why?”

“Why?” I repeated. “Well the last time we knew each other it didn’t work out too well now did it?”

Josh pursed his lips and nodded, “Touché. If it’s any constellation, we’re different now. We’re healthy, sober.”

I didn’t know what he was implying, if anything. “Haven’t we always been different?” I questioned.

Josh shrugged, not answering so the waiter could bring them their food. “I thought we were but I’m not so sure anymore.”

I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet and took a bite of my food, the familiarity crawling through my veins.

“God this is just as good as it was all those years ago.”

“You haven’t been back since?”

“No, not at all. Have you?”

“Not at all.”

“See not so different after all.”

Not going to a restaurant wasn’t what I had in mind as to how weren’t different but I suppose he did have a point if I thought more about it. Thankfully we had a normal conversation as we ate, talking all about his band and what I hope to accomplish. It was comfortable, it was familiar and it was something I wanted to continue. When we finished eating he insisted on paying and well I didn’t want to turn him down. We sat for a little bit in silence after he paid, I was waiting on him to make his exit to the bathroom.

“I’m not going.” Josh spoke.

“What?”

“I’m not going to the bathroom. I’m different.”

The second the words left his mouth I felt like a terrible person. Josh can read me like an open book and I should have known that the time apart didn’t stop that.

“Josh,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re different. I know you’re better. I’m sorry.”

He reached across the table and held out his hand, I immediately placed mine in his and let the sparks from his touch calm me.

“Its okay, it’s only natural. The last time we were together we were doing anything we could to get drugs and I was throwing up crumbs. It only makes sense that you think I would do it again. Old habits die hard, no?”

I sighed and nodded, “Yeah okay. I’m sorry still. That was shitty. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, please?”

I finally nodded and he started to get up so I followed his footsteps.

“Which car?” he asked quietly.

“That one.”

Josh took my hand in his again and tucked it into his pockets, like we used to and walked me to my car. He leaned against it and I kept having flashbacks to every time we did this routine. I knew it was coming, I didn’t think it was going to happen at the beginning of the night, but now I knew it was going to happen. I shouldn’t allow it to happen our history is enough proof of that. But it’s Josh. He’s better and I’m better and he’s home. He’s everything I want and I never once stopped loving him and there was no way I could deny him.

When he finally kissed me I felt on fire but at the same time I felt like my body was finally calming down. It was perfect; it was the kind of kiss we never shared. Ours were always rushed and passionate and fast and always too much. But this one, this one was simple and soft and it was the perfect representation on how different we are now.

“Fuck I’ve missed you.” Josh breathed, rested his forehead on mine.

“I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I ran, I’m so sorry. I should have followed you, I should have gone with you.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. You were scared, I understand. I’m just so happy you’re alive and you’re healthy. I’ve been so worried about you.”

“You have?”

“Every day. I never forgot about you, Audrey. I was always hoping our paths would cross again and here we are and god, I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.”

Everything was happening so fast just like we did it the first time and I couldn’t allow that to happen again, no matter how badly I wanted this.

“Josh.” I whispered. “I’ve missed you so much and I’ve wanted this since the day I met you but you have to slow down, okay?” I thought he was going to be upset about what I said but he didn’t seem to be.

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I always just feel so comfortable with you.”

“I know, me too.” Suddenly I was reminded of the woman standing where I stood and I knew it was a bad time to bring it up but I had to ask. “Josh? Who was that woman standing side stage?”

“She was no one.”

“Josh…”

“Audrey.” He sighed. “I’ve been on a few dates with her and she decided to come tonight.”

“She was standing in my spot.”

“I know she was but she doesn’t belong there.”

“You can’t just kick someone out of your life just because I show up.” I told him pushing him away so I could get some room to breathe.

“I’m not.”

“You are!”

Josh sighed and ran his hand through his hair, “I have no feelings for her and that’s the truth. We’ve only been on a few dates. It’s just a casual thing. I promise you.”

I wanted to believe him I did but something was telling me to run and I couldn’t tell if it was my gut or just my fears kicking in.

“Don’t run.” Josh whispered. “Please, don’t. I want you here. I’ve always wanted you here. I would have kept in touch with you but I think we can both recognize that that would have been a disaster. And I know, I know this seems like a bad idea but I can’t watch you run away again.”

I didn’t know what to say to him and I know he was expecting a reply but I just needed a second. I pulled him closer to me and rested my forehead on his chest, his hand immediately rubbing my back. He was right this does seem like a bad idea but we’ve grown a lot and we’re not 23 and 21 again. We’re nearly thirty and we’ve both been sober long enough not to trigger the other person. This is Josh, my Josh. And sure this seems like a bad idea but I couldn’t run away from him again.

“Okay.” I finally said. “Okay but we’re taking this slow. Maybe even too slow. We’re not going to let history repeat itself.” Josh nodded looking eager. “And please tell that woman that you’re no longer interested.”

“Of course.” Josh spoke. “I know we rush things and I know how we were. This time we’ll be slow, we’ll be careful. We’ll make it work.”

“Do you promise?”

“I promise. And you?”

“I promise.”

Maybe we already broke our slow rule by agreeing to try again the same night we met for the first time in six years. Maybe we were crazy or maybe we were supposed to wind up together. Regardless, I’ve never felt more in love or comfortable with a person before. Josh and I made a lot of mistakes when we were younger and he did bring a lot of tragedy but he also gave me the best years of my life. For every bad moment there was good and I can’t forget that. I wouldn’t want to. We went to the lowest of lows together and now, now I want to see how high we can get before we reach cloud nine.