Love in Lights

Purity had a lucky night at the Billboard Awards. The International girl band managed two wins at the awards, taking home the Top Hot 100 song for their single “Here Standing” the girls then followed by winning the Top Duo/Group category beating out their close friends One Direction (who continued to win three more awards anyway!). The girls looked stunning as usual but unfortunately skipped the after party so this blogger has nothing juicy to say on the girls. *sigh* we can only hope the front page worthy girl band will start making headlines soon otherwise we might start to believe they’ve reformed themselves… again. – May 2016

I met up with Louis for lunch at a restaurant that Louis had already booked for us. He took the lead behind the waiter to a table at the back out of the way of the people in the restaurant. We were here to talk and that was best done without prying eyes.

We both only ordered water; Louis eyes almost burning a hole through the wine list placed in front of us, I placed it behind the salt and pepper out of the way.

“Why did you come out to the club the other night?” Louis asked the moment the waiter disappeared. He didn’t even try the small talk approach.

“Jumping right in I see.” I murmured trying to lighten the mood but I failed miserably.

“Don’t joke Annabelle, please not today I need to know.” I sobered at Louis’ seriousness and nodded.

“I wanted a night out, a night off from everything. Okay? It gets to be a lot you know that and I’ve been trying to be good for so long and sometimes being around four other girls who are struggling can get depressing and I needed one night of being free. I fucked up obviously but I needed, just for a moment, to not be me.”

“And you thought dancing and alcohol could do that for you?” I glared at Louis’ condescending tone.

“It used to.” I sniped back enjoying the surprise on his face. “Why did you think we did it all the time in the first place?” Louis stayed silent as the waiter came back, placing water on the table and asking for our orders. I picked the first chicken sandwich on the list barely glancing through it; Louis ordered just as fast.

“And the panic attacks? The one at the airport in Australia, that wasn’t your first?” I felt like Louis had a list and by the end of this talk I was going to be exhausted.

“No that wasn’t my first and last night’s probably won’t be my last.” Louis stared, waiting for me. “I started getting them almost a year ago now, started off when large crowds got too much, my claustrophobia playing up. But there was one incident where it got bad, we were coming out of our hotel room and it seemed okay at first but something was said and shit got thrown and before we knew it we were in our private mosh pit except with large cameras that were constantly flashed in your face. It was pretty horrifying and I broke down, thankfully once we had reached the car. It’s one of the worst experience in my entire life.” I told Louis earnestly, taking the cup and drinking some of the cool liquid.

“And so now you’re stuck with them?” Louis frowned, his arms crossed over his chest defensively. I eyed his stance before sighing.

“Probably, the Doctors say I have to cancel the things from my life that causes them, trying to be calm more but since that ain’t happening anytime soon…” I took another sip glancing at the table of people beside us, they seemed to be on a business trip, Ipad’s littered the tabletop.

“I didn’t know any of this.” Louis murmured and I rolled my eyes.

“We haven’t talked in a long time Louis, no one really blames you for not knowing.” The waiter came with our food and we both stayed silent for a moment, taking our first bites. Before long Louis was opening his mouth to ask something else but I cut him off.

“Can we just talk? For a bit about things that have nothing to do with all the crap in my life?” I suggested, hoping that Louis would accept this.

He hesitated before nodding, taking a sip of water. “How’s the new video coming?”

I was happy with the neutral territory he chose. “Good, Lucinda’s boyfriend Aaron is flying in tonight to film a few scenes with us. Luce had asked if he could be in it since it’s his song and everything. She explains it all much better in the booklet that came with the album.” I paused watching Louis stare intently at the glass in front of him. “You haven’t got the album have you.”

Louis shook his head, his head darting up to meet my eyes and I sighed in resignation; I had hoped that maybe Liam or Niall had convinced him to listen to it.

“How are your sisters?” I changed the subject, again. I wanted this lunch to be happy, fun but there was still so much stuff we had simmering in the valley that separated us. I had never felt so far from Louis then I did right now.

We kept trying though, the conversation stilted and impersonal, talking about families, travelling and anything that wasn’t private or would mean anything later on; small talk that lasted through the whole meal and after.

Despite the pointlessness of the conversation I felt light when we left the restaurant, the small argument between who would pay was settled on halving everything. We weren’t dating and even if we were it wasn’t necessary for Louis to pay.

“Do you need a lift home or…” Louis trailed off and gestured towards his car.

I shook my head. “Nah I’ve got a car waiting for me just down the street.” I gestured vaguely and paused not wanting to leave quite yet. “Thank you for having lunch with me today.”

“It was good.” Louis murmured, his eyes roaming the street.

“I’ve missed you.” I said softly, taking a step forward.

Louis exhaled and his whole body shrunk with it, he turned to look at me and there was weariness in his eyes. “Annabelle.” He said it so soft, defeated.

“Can you listen to the album?” I blurted out desperately, before he would say something that would ruin the good day. “Could you please? And read the notes on the songs?”

Louis hesitated, his hand clenching and unclenching at his side.

“Please, that’s all I’m asking from you is just to listen to it, once is fine.” I wasn’t opposed to begging on my hands and knees if I had to.

“Okay.” He relented, nodding his head.

I grinned widely and darted forward, pressing a small peck against his cheek before stepping back, afraid I had already overstepped the boundaries surrounding us. “Specifically listen to the last song.” I told him before I lost my nerve. “Listen to them all but I really need you to listen to the last one.” I nodded at Louis before turning and heading for the black Toyota parked just down the street. My heart was thumping and all I could hope for was that I didn’t just make the worse mistake of my life.

I paused before reaching the car noticing the stand of magazines out front of the newsagents. The top one had a photo of us and I paused to take a look. I vaguely remembered this photo shoot and interview but it had been over a month ago. I curiously picked it up to have a closer look and frowned at what I saw.

I flipped through the pages until I came to the large spread of photos that we did and looked on in shock as they were all the same.

“Annabelle?” Geoffrey was at my side when my hand began to shake, gripping tightly to the magazine in my hand, crinkling the cover.

“I need to go see Jen.” I forced out, my eyes trying to burn holes through the magazine and every single one like it in existence.

-

“This better be good Annabelle, it’s a Sunday?” Jen greeted me at the door, she was wearing old baggy clothing and her blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail, pieces falling out. I had never seen her outside of her office clothes.

“This is good because I have a problem.” I waved the magazine in front of Jen’s face and she grabbed it out of my hand frustrated, turning and heading through the house. I followed after her watching intently as she flipped through the magazine, her eyes roaming the pages.

“What’s wrong?” She asked eventually, walking into a large sitting and falling down onto a couch. I noticed the laptop, coffee cup and bag of bicusits that littered the coffee table. Simon didn’t look to be home.

“The picture.” I waved my hand exasperated. She frowned and looked down at it. I couldn’t believe she didn’t realise what was wrong. “Hello! I am not that skinny.” I waved towards my own waist then back to the magazine.

“And my cheekbones not that pokey!” I pulled on my cheeks. “Hair is not that light, I’m pretty sure they actually photo shopped my knees as well! Like seriously what was wrong with my knees and my eyes are rounder and I am not that tan. It’s made me tanner than Frankie and I am most certainly not tanner then Frankie.”

Jen stared at me, her mouth gaping while my arms continued to windmill.

“Don’t even get me started on what they’ve done to the other girls.” I growled outraged. How dare they change so much of us!

“You’re angry because you’ve been photo shopped?” Jen asked slowly, I almost jumped, glad that she finally understood.

“Yes!”

“You realise they do this all the time, this is what magazines do?”

“Well that’s not okay! What the hell is wrong with my normal body? Why the hell do they have to change it? And what about the fans? Huh what about them? I don’t want twelve-year-old girls seeing this and freaking think that this is what we look like; that they can look like that because I can’t even look like that! I don’t even want to look like that so why the hell are we letting them do that to us?” I tried to control my hands at my side during this rant.

“Why is this suddenly meaning so much to you right now? You’ve had how many magazines spreads by now and they’ve all been photo shopped. Why is this one so bad?” Jen asked, her tone curious.

I deflated and sat down on the couch opposite her. “Because in the last year all five of us have gone through image issues, weight issues and how many times I’ve thought about plastic surgery is scary and those thoughts are sickening, they’re disease ridden and I’m trying to fight them from my body.” I paused and debated the magazine. “And I don’t want young girls to go through what I have. I don’t want them to see that and think that I’m okay with looking like that. I don’t want my sister to think that she has to look like that to get where I am. I’m in a position to influence young girls and I don’t want this to be my influence.”

“Then do something about it.” Jen replied, throwing the magazine down on the coffee table in between us.

-

I was bubbling with energy by the time Geoffrey dropped me off at the apartment. I had a plan and I knew the girls would support it, would love it. Plans were running through my mind, forming and leaving quickly after each other. I wanted to do this right; I wanted to make girls aware that I didn’t look like this. No one looked like this and that this image was the furthest thing from human perfection.

The door to the apartment was unlocked meaning Kate was the last person through, she always forgot to lock everything, most of the time her car remained unlocked in busy areas.

“Aaron! Hey.” I greeted Lucinda’s boyfriend who sat tiredly in between the girls, a mug of coffee steaming in his hand. He smiled up at me but I had moved past the greeting.

“We have a problem.” I announced, throwing the magazine cover dramatically on the coffee table in between us all. Frankie picked it up and stared at the cover curiously.

“Did someone spell your name wrong again?” Gracie asked, peering over Frankie’s shoulder. I huffed but shook my head.

“Whoa! Luce your boobs look massive in this photo!” Frankie exclaimed.

I waved wildly and gestured towards them. “This, this is exactly the problem.”

“My boobs?” Lucinda asked confused, her and Aaron turning to look at her chest. I was losing them.

“No! No not your boobs. Geez. The problem is photo shop and that they changed what we looked like and that we are setting a bad example for young girls everywhere and I want to fix that.” I took a breath and all pairs of eyes were focused entirely on me. Although Kate actually looked concerned for my well being.

“What are you rattling on about?” Frankie asked directly.

“I have a plan and I need your help.” I said simply, smiling.