Love in Lights

“Purity has seemed to come into their charity streak with a performance coming up for Domestic Violence victims. Not only are they girls performing for charity but have roped in their celebrity connections. Acts so far headlining the tour seem to be: One Direction, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Five Seconds of Summer, Jessie J and there were rumours of Beyoncé. Unlikely of Beyoncé but the other acts have been confirmed with apparently plenty more to come. I’m sure this will give Purity the good publicity their team has been working to get for a long time now. But is a few charity performances enough for Purity to really be forgiven for last years breakdowns? We’re thinking more groveling will be needed.” July 2016

“So you tried to kiss him and he just ran away?”

“He didn’t run away.” I defended, shooting Annalisa a glare.

She rolled her eyes. “Well he moved away from you.”

I sighed and nodded at her, resting my head back against the airplane chair. The other girls were dozing in their own seats; Grace had her head buried in a book not too far from us.

“Maybe,” Annalisa paused and seemed to rethink her words. “Maybe you should just back up a bit, Belly. It’s just—”

“I already feel like a massive bitch Lissy, how much more does he want to make me pay for it?”

“Do you even love him?” Annalisa blurted, her eyes intently on me.

I looked away, staring out the window. We had finally passed over the ocean and the mainland of the UK was below us. We would be landing soon.

“See this, this is what got you into trouble in the first place. You don’t love him.”

“I never said that.” I snapped at her, removing my eyes from the window.

“But you also didn’t say you did and you need to make up your mind because it probably won’t take long for Louis to fall in love with you again and you can’t do what you did last time.” Annalisa was brutal and honest and sounded far too grown up for a teenager.

“Why on Earth are you giving me love advice at your age? Have you even been in love?” I tried to lighten the mood, through with discussing Louis.

She shrugged and grinned toothily at me. “I watch a lot of RomComs.”

I laughed and smacked her arm. “That is not sufficient enough study to be giving me advice.” I whined to her.

“She’s right though.” Gracie called out to us, her soft eyes peering at us over her broken and yellowing Mansfield Park book.

“See and Gracie is so much more studied then I am.” Annalisa grinned.

I smacked her arm again before the seatbelt light lit up and we were informed that we were soon going to land.

“Oh thank God. How do you guys handle flying all the time? I don’t want to see another plane again after this trip.” Annalisa mumbled to herself as she pulled the seatbelt tight.

I smiled, glad that she was still with us. I missed and needed her in my life a hell of a lot more then I had allowed recently.

-

“Purity on in ten minutes!”

The door shut behind the voice and I stood, straightening the black leather crop top that ended above my belly button. It had long sleeves with rips littered fashionably down my arms. The tights were a bright turquoise that slipped underneath tall black studded boots. I could probably cause someone more damage with these studs then an actual knife. My hair was down and wavy in its usual style with rings of gold studs around my neck and wrists.

The other four girls were dressed a lot like me, black and turquoise a common colour between us with studs galore. We were supposed to look like modern female warriors for the domestic violence charity concert. It was a good idea and Lucinda was particularly scary with her dark red curls teased tightly around her head as an afro.

Mia rushed in front of me, her eyes closely scrutinizing the make up she had finished over an hour ago. My eyes were dark and my lips black. It was an unusual colour to have on my own lips and it was still strange to see when I looked in the mirror but Mia and Johnson had a plan when we came in today and I certainly wasn’t going to go against their expertise.

“Time to go girls!” The door was opened and a frazzled looking lady rushed us out with an Ipad in her hand and a headset that she was screaming into. She rushed us to side stage where our dancers were already waiting, jumping on the spot, preparing a last few minute stretches. Brent smiled at me when I sidled up next to him. His clothing pattern was the opposite to mine but minus the studs. None of the boys had studs decorating their bodies.

One Direction was finishing the end of their performance. The last few notes rung through the arena, screams from the crowd got louder as the boys finished. They did their end speech before running off into the wings where we stood waiting.

All five boys were hyped and sweaty, their eyes alight and hands shaking. We were met with warm, sweaty hugs, yells of good luck and even Zayn pressed a kiss to my forehead and carried on his way. I was too shocked to even notice the kiss Louis pressed to my cheek before he too disappeared with the boys.

“Annabelle.” Gracie hissed next to me, snapping me out of my daze and pointing to the stage as we were announced, the screams from the crowd echoing around the building. I pulled my earplugs off my shoulders and settled them into my ear. Waiting until Lucinda began to run out, following close behind her, the ghost of Zayn’s lips against my forehead a confusion to my body.

The opening to our latest song that we would be previewing from the album began to play through the arena while Kate greeted everyone, introducing one of the songs I wrote for the album ‘Denial’.

Brent moved to the front of the stage with me, constantly behind my back as I pulled the microphone towards my lips.

“Letting you go is pretty damn difficult
Coz there was a time I would be for you
What you need for me, I would do what
Whatever to be rolling with you.”

Brent’s hands came up from behind moving fluidly around my body, his finger clinching around my waist and maneuvering me with him.

“And you know I took it as far as I can go
So I’ma go lay it out right for you
You’re not good to me, I know I’ve been
Blind but I can open my eyes.”

I leant forward pushing him to the left side of the stage while Frankie moved forward with Coby. Her eyes forward, march in her step while Coby moved around her trying to grab attention.

“Coz then I see just what you are
Not for me, I don’t know why
I wanted you. I don’t want you
I deny, Ohh.”

Frankie and I both simultaneously shoved the boys backwards, Brett and Coby falling with the push until their bottoms hit the floor sliding back to the other three boys while Kate, Gracie and Lucinda moved forward to join us at the front of the stage.

“All that you did and all that you didn’t
All that you said and all that you wouldn’t
Deny, I deny it
Defy, everything, Ohh
All that we were and all that we called up
All that you were and all that you made up
Defy, I defy it
I deny everything you are.”

We sung together marching forward, entertaining the crowd as everyone sung back; their hands moving in the air to the beat of the song.

We followed Denial with Open Up and then Here Standing and then finally our first ever song Forever Is Over before bowing off the stage to rush past Little Mix who were performing after us.

Everyone who had already performed was milling around in the backroom, talk was loud and there was a TV in the corner broadcasting the concert. I could see Little Mix greeting the crowd before a dance number began.

“You girls did amazing.” Lisa Amberson approached us, a large smile on her face. “And I’m not just talking about the performance. You girls have done amazing in helping out here as well with the charity.”

“It’s been fun doing all this. We’ve been glad to do it.” Lucinda assured her before Lisa was called off and we were left to everyone else in the room.

This concert and this purpose had been a distraction that we all needed. Frankie had even started writing a new song while everything had been planned. She hadn’t tried to write anything since the latest album.

I spotted Zayn in the corner, watching the TV. I skidded around Lucinda and made directly for him. Zayn had been a friend, and he also had became another friend that I had lost over time.

“You guys did great.” Zayn turned to me before I could even form words.

“So did you boys.” I said gently unsure on the grounds we stood on.

“No just the performance Annabelle. You girls have done great in general, doing all this, performing as well as getting us to join. The no make up performance the other day. Actually trying to get better.”

I flushed at Zayn’s words, not used to being praised so much.

“I gave up on you girls, you kept saying you would get better but you didn’t and after you hurt Lou, I didn’t want to be around you. But this, this is amazing and maybe this time you should make it all last.”

“I’m trying too. We’re trying too. I don’t want to go back there.” I told Zayn seriously. I never wanted to go back to what we were. It was like being trapped in a corner with no room to move. The more we searched for that freedom the smaller the corner became.

“And what are you trying to do with Louis?” Zayn asked, a glint in his eyes that made me blush further. It was terrible how everyone easily knew our business.

“I want to make me and Louis right again.” I told him, keeping my words vague. Unsure what Louis wanted.

Zayn nodded and his eyes searched the room behind me before settling on something. “I’m going to say this because Louis is my best mate and I want him to be happy and you’re trying to get better and I don’t think being dependent on a person is a good way to make yourself better. So I’m going to let you know that Louis has been talking to someone and he’s gone out with them a few times.”

I felt like cold water had been dumped over me, the awful feeling of an aching cold.

Zayn leaned closer. “Whatever you and Louis are right now, just be careful with him because he has the opportunity to be happy, really happy. And he could be happy with you but you fucked up last time so don’t do this unless you’re sure that you’re not going to fuck up. If you’re not sure Annabelle then leave him alone. Leave him to be happy.”

Zayn’s words were familiar with Annalisa’s on the plane. I wanted to make Louis happy and he made me happy. But last time I stuffed up and I wanted to believe that I wouldn’t this time. But I didn’t want to hurt him again.

“You’re strong enough to get through this Annabelle. With or without Louis, or any other person by your side. You just need to start standing up for yourself. You need to grow up.” Zayn nodded and gently nudged his forehead against my temple before walking away.

The buzz of the performance was gone by now. The tingles long since left where normally they stayed for hours. I watched numbly as Zayn moved through the room and out the door. Louis stood not far from it, his eyes landing on me with a large smile springing to his face.

I tried to smile in return before turning my back, spying Gracie in the corner and going to join her.

“Are you okay?” Gracie asked. Her hands ran through my hair when I rested against her shoulder. “You and Zayn seemed quite serious.”

I sighed and nuzzled closer to her, I could see Louis from where we sat staring at us worriedly. “Zayn just decided to be honest with me. Told me something that I didn’t know.”

I shook my head at Louis when he moved to come towards us. I didn’t need him around right now. I needed time to figure out if I deserved him yet.

“Sometimes Zayn can be too honest and not always right.” Gracie said simply.

I shook my head into her shoulder. This time Zayn had been right to say what he did.

Gracie sat with me for the rest of the concert; her hand idling working through my hair. Frankie brought us food and drinks, falling to sit on the floor in front of us. Occasionally standing to talk to someone but otherwise we were left alone. Kate stood with Liam most of the night, talking with the other acts that performed, as the room became louder the more people that arrived. The food began to disappear and I could see Lucinda chatting with Ed Sheeran in a corner. They were using ridiculous hand gestures and howling with laughter. Louis’ eyes would occasionally stray towards us but I ignored him, keeping my focus away from him and more towards everyone else.

Five Seconds of Summer and Olly Murs ended the night with a last song together before the host of the charity performance got up to thank everyone. I watched through the TV in the small room before Gracie began to move.

Lucinda left the crowd and joined us, her arm falling around my waist and guiding me through the halls and down to our room to grab our bags. Geoffrey was waiting to escort us to the cars.

Everything seemed on autopilot as Lucinda grabbed my bag and Kate took hold of my hand to pull me out of the room. I marveled at how easily we took control of each other one of us had to back out. To take a break just for a moment, everyone else filled in and pushed their worries aside to handle this one moment.

I wanted to thank them all. To tell them how much they all meant to me but the option of talking seemed, at the moment, too much. So I let Kate lead me, her hand warm and grounding in mine while we left the room to follow Geoffrey.

“Annabelle!”

I moved, surprisingly, away from Kate to the sound of the voice as Louis rushed down the hallway a bag on his shoulders, the other four One Direction boys following closely behind him.

“We were going to see if you girls wanted to have a late dinner to celebrate and catch up?” Louis asked, his tone gently and his hands hesitant as he reached up to gently touch my shoulder.

I turned my head to the other girls as they nodded eagerly.

“Great, you have two cars right? We’ll pile in.” Niall grinned over Louis shoulder and moved forward.

Kate reached to take my hand again but Louis beat her to it.

“I can do it.” He told her, his hand squeezing mine tightly.

I allowed him, Zayn came up against my other side, arm coming around my waist, his face almost apologetic like he knew that it was his words that had made me crash. That pulled me from my high and forced me so roughly back down to the Earth that I needed time, minutes, hours, just to get a sense of where exactly he dropped me.

I didn’t begrudge him his words. But the idea of Louis with another girl and whether or not I could actually love him like he deserved, to keep him happy were points that I had been trying to avoid for such a long time that Zayn’s words really shouldn’t have surprised me as much as they did.

The screams were loud when we left the building. Crowds of fans waiting for us and their screams only just got louder when they noticed that it was both Purity and One Direction that exited the building, together.

I gasped and widened my eyes at the pulsing crowd. They were pushing against the barrier, making it move and there weren’t nearly enough security guards if they did make it through. My mind helplessly wandered to the incident at the Australian airport and my heart rate increased. I couldn’t go through that again.

“Go ahead son.” Geoffrey’s voice broke through the scream and Zayn let go of me so Geoffrey could take his place. My heart rate slowed marginally. I knew, logically, that Geoffrey was always the one that kept me safe, he was the one to trust.

Louis didn’t leave my other side either, even when Geoffrey told him to go first. He moved closer, an arm coming around my waist, the other still holding on to my hand and I clutched it thankfully while Geoffrey counted in my ear.

I looked side from side as the barrier moved and hands reached out, wanting to touch and grab and possibly hurt.

So I took a deep breath and moved with Geoffrey and Louis, through the tight walkway that had been made for us. The screams grew louder the further we moved and the crowd became closer.

I couldn’t breathe, stumbling forward but Louis had me, straightening me up and pulling me closer. Geoffrey surrounded both of us. His body blocking one side of fans reaching out while Louis tried to move his body so I wouldn’t see the crowd as we moved towards the cars.

It felt too long, too far away and by the time Louis reached out with our joint hands to touch a car door I was exhausted. Like I had been running for days. My heart rate still sky high and Louis opened the door. Hands reached out to pull me in and I let them until the moment my feet let out and my heads began to shake.

I sat and pulled my feet up on the chair, burying my face into my knees.

“Don’t touch her.” Someone said from above me and I felt the small relief of air fly from my lungs as I was left alone finally. The car was silent, the screams from outside muffled and nothing was touching me. It was like a highflying feeling of just slowing your heart rate, finally taking in breaths and understanding that my body had space. I wasn’t about to be suffocated anytime soon.

“Is she always like this?” Voices started to become familiar and that sounded like Harry.

I pushed my feet to the ground but still held my head down.

“Basically, she’s not normally this bad when the crowd is behind barriers. But she’s had a bad day. Hard to control your thoughts then.” That voice was Kate’s, her hands soothing as they began to move through my hair.

I lifted my head but kept my eyes closed, leaning back again the chair and allowing my lungs to stretch and take their fill. My body felt tingly as the oxygen began to fill my gasping body.

“And if the crowd isn’t behind barriers?” Harry asked, he sounded like he was across from me.

“Well you saw her at the airport.” This time it was Frankie that answered. I cracked my eyes open to stare at where she sat across from me and next to Harry. “One time we couldn’t get her to start breathing again and she passed out.”

I closed my eyes again. We had all had our fair share of hospital visits, some conscious and others not so much.

“You need to put your seatbelt on.” I opened my eyes and Kate reached around me, gently pulling on the belt and I allowed her presence enjoying it instead of panicking.

I met Louis eyes across her shoulder and I stared willingly back. His face was pinched, worried and I understood now what Zayn had really meant. I had a hell of a lot of problems that Louis didn’t need. That my problems would not make Louis happy instead they worried him and troubled his life. I didn’t need to ruin him when he could be happy.

A chime swept through the car and Louis eyes swept down to the phone in his hand. I looked away not wanting to know if the person who sent him the text made his eyes light up or caused a smile to stretch his pink lips. I didn’t want to know who made him happy when I caused the worry lines and the pinch between his brows.