‹ Prequel: Love in Music

Love in Lights

Fighting Back Demons

“‘White Lies‘ is the song I find the easiest to sing. A lot of the time when you write a song and it’s close to your heart it can be hard to actually sing that to people. When you sing you use your whole body and it’s easy to feel like everything comes from within. It comes from your heart and soul and you sing it out into the world. So this song, ‘White Lies’, I wrote about a relationship in my life that I wanted and needed but I felt like I was poisoning it, poisoning him. I had loved this person for a long time but nothing ever happened and then after my depression and uh ¬— after everything he was still there and we were in this weird tentative type of a relationship I suppose. But at that time I was still battling my own demons and I would just lie to him out of habit, about how I was feeling, where I was going, why I was doing something. I still acted like I had something major to hide like when I was cutting.

Anyone who knows what depression is like knows that it’s this endless — I don’t want to say tunnel because it’s not — it’s this pressing, suffocating darkness that gets impossibly darker at all time and the thought of finding a light, any light is basically not even a hope. It’s too dark for hope. But after rehab, after I got help, it got less dark and in some ways the light at the end of it all, was him. And my God do you know how scary that is? The need to rely on someone being your light? But I am beyond ecstatic that he was perfect and able to be my light without me pulling him into the darkness. So really in conclusion to all of that, this song is easy for me to sing because I’m singing it to him and he has my heart and my soul safely wrapped up in his heart and soul and I don’t care if anyone knows. I don’t keep secrets anymore.” Kate Hernaham – Interview with Vogue Magazine.


I could hear his calm breathing on the other side of the line and I let it fill me, pressing the phone closer to my ear, I shut my eyes and allowed myself to imagine just for a few seconds that he was lying down next to me. Our shoulders would be aligned and our fingers would touch, the ghost of his forefinger rubbing a soft line across my wrist made me shiver.

“What are you thinking about?” Louis murmured sleepily through the phone. I glanced towards my alarm clock to see the number two brightening up my dark room. I hadn’t been able to sleep and he was the first person I had called.

“Kate once told me this thing, a quote or something from someone named Campbell. I can’t remember.” I said.

Louis made an encouraging noise.

“The quote was something like: you should find a place where you find joy and then that joy will burn the pain out.” I said. “She told me this when she got out of rehab, when I still had nightmares of her lying there in her own blood, I had nightmares of Gracie’s ribs sticking out of her chest, and Lucinda getting taken or raped or something because she was too drunk to fight back. I was still having nightmares of finding Frankie dead from an overdose. And I was still batting my own demons and she came back from rehab and told me to find a place where I found joy.”

I don’t know why I was telling Louis all of this. Maybe it was the silence that sat between us, not awkward or uncomfortable but inviting and open. Maybe it was the fact that it was two in the morning and every thought that comes to your head at the time of the morning needs to be said, needs to be thought about. Two A.M. thoughts are important; they contain the secrets of who you are.

“Did you?” Louis’ voice rasped through the line, I could hear the yawn in his voice. “Did you find your place of joy?”

I hesitated, eyes staring towards the roof, making out nothing in the darkness that pressed down around me.

“I thought it would be something easy like being with the girls or with Annalisa or surfing. I even thought being with you would bring the joy and burn the pain away.” I took a breath, Louis didn’t respond. “I think that maybe it’s when I sing. When you sing you take in these deep breaths and you let them out and it’s almost therapeutic. And I don’t necessarily mean just on stage performing but just singing to myself in the quiet of my room or in the shower or whatever. I think that is my happy place, the place where there is joy for me. When I sing the pain goes away, you know?

“Yeah.” Louis replied without missing a beat. He would get me; we would always understand each other when it came to music. “When I sing, you can block everything else out. Just the notes of the song and the beat of the band.”

“Thank you,” I rolled onto my side, pressing the phone between my ear and my pillow. “Thanks for answering my call at this time of the morning.”

“Anything for you Belle,” Louis responded softly, his voice drifting off. I closed my eyes tightly against the erratic beating of my heart.

-

“Where were you last night?” I asked Frankie, sliding onto a stool at the kitchen counter. She was cutting up slices of fruit on a cutting board, placing them neatly into separate containers. I reached over to grab a slice of apple from one container.

“I heard you talking on the phone so I slept in Lucinda’s room.” Frankie said. Hey eyes snapping to mine briefly before looking back down at her knife. “I thought you and Louis were just going to be friends?”

“We are.” I defended.

“U-huh, so why were you talking at two in the morning? Is that what friends do?”

“If I called you at two in the morning you would answer.” I replied before grabbing another apple slice.

Frankie rolled her eyes. “Yes but our relationship is a lot different then just being friends. We’re family with a fuck ton of problems, but you and Louis are just supposed to be friends. I wouldn’t call a just friend who is also my ex boyfriend at two in the morning.”

I watched, concerned, as Frankie’s hands shook before cleanly slicing the strawberry in half.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.” I reached over to grab her hand. She dropped the knife and took a step back, wiping her hands on a dishcloth and began packing the fruit containers up.

“Don’t change the subject.” She snapped, her eyes not meeting mine.

I sat there in shock, watching her diligently pack the container into the fridge longer then was necessary. Her hands were shaking worse and she clenched the contained in her hand, hard.

“Frank.” I said slowly, standing up from the stool, prepared to corner her if need be.

“Hey Annabelle, you ready to go?” Kate’s head appeared in the doorway to the front hallway.

I glanced towards Frankie who refused to turn around to us. “Yeah, just let me grab my bag.” I told Kate, throwing Frankie one last look before grabbing my bag and phone off the couch and slipping on the gladiators I found under the coffee table.

I could hear Kate talking to Frankie while Liam stood waiting at the front door focused on the phone in his hand.

“Ready Kate.” I called out, nudging Liam’s shoulder on the way past him towards the door. Kate hurried behind the both of us.

“Frankie’s hands were shaking, like crazy shaking.” I turned to Kate the moment we entered the elevator at the end of the hallway.

She frowned at me. “I didn’t notice anything.”

“I saw her, she was cutting the fruit and her hand wouldn’t stop shaking. Like it wouldn’t stop shaking when she was on drugs.” I told Kate, insistent.

Liam stood behind the both of us, keeping quiet while Kate seemed to consider what I said.

“Frankie’s been clean for eight months now. She’s not doing drugs.” She eventually replied, confident in what she said.
I didn’t believe it so easily. “We don’t know that. What if she relapsed? We need to do something.” I insisted, stepping out of the elevator and into the complex garage. We headed towards Liam’s car.

“What are we going to do? Raid her room? You live with her Annabelle; don’t you think you would have noticed if she had snuck something in there? And besides, she’s going to think we don’t trust her. I don’t think a little bit of hand shaking is enough to accuse her of taking anything.” Kate said calmly and rationally.

I sighed, annoyed at how sensible she sounded.

“You’re worried Annabelle. That’s fine. We’re all kind of worried about you sometimes too. But we still have to let each other live our lives.” Kate climbed into the front seat of Liam’s car while I climbed into the back, buckling myself into the middle seat.

“What do you mean that you are all worried about me?” I asked, distracted by her words.

Kate sighed as Liam began driving out of the complex, making his way towards our reservations for lunch.

“We’re worried about how you and Louis are attempting to be friends. I’m worried that you’re the one who is going to get hurt here.” Kate said.

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. Why couldn’t they all just trust that I would make the right decision and that I know what I can and can’t handle. I told them both as much.

“It’s not about what you think you can handle Annabelle. It’s what we know you can handle.” Liam cut in, making his first attempt in our conversation and immediately insulting me. I glared at him through the rearview mirror.

He rolled his eyes. “All I’m saying is that you and Louis are a lot alike when it comes to loving and caring about people and I don’t think either of you can just shut that off and be friends. You feel too much.” Liam explained.

I took a deep breath, sick of fighting the same argument with everyone. I had thought they would be happy that Louis and I planned on just being friends.

“I don’t know what you all want us to do? Do you just want Louis and I to not see each other at all or something? To just not be in each other’s lives? Because I don’t want that.

“I want to be with Lou as more then friends. Of course I fucking do. But he’s moved on and he has a girlfriend and I don’t want to ruin that. But I also don’t want to remove him from my life. I love having Louis in my life, to be able to talk to him and know he is there, and if that means that I have to settle for a friendship then I am honestly happy with that. It’s better then not having him at all.”

I saw the look Kate threw Liam’s way. It was the same decision they had both made when she finished with rehab. She wasn’t quite ready to be whatever they wanted to be to each other. She still had a lot of healing to do. But, neither of them wanted the other out of their lives so they were friends instead. Until now, and now they are whatever they seem to have decided to be. No one had really confirmed what type of relationship they were in.

“Wait, what do you mean Louis’ girlfriend?” Liam asked, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion while he pulled into a parking spot across the road from the restaurant.

“You know Anna? His girlfriend, they went to school together.” I told Liam, wondering how he could forget.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out of the car so I was standing on Liam’s side. He was watching me, his eyes narrowed and thoughtful.

“Right, yeah Anna, whose been living with him while visiting London.” Liam said slowly.

I shared a confused look with Kate, unsure what had suddenly happened to make Liam go all funny.

Liam and I fell into step with Kate as she headed into the restaurant. I saw out of the corner of my eye the way their hands lightly touched, their pinkies linking at the tips. I couldn’t fight the smile that split across my face while Kate announced our reservation.

I winked at Liam; he flushed and quickly tucked his hand into the front pocket of his jeans. I only grinned wider, linking my arm with his, at the elbow and follow behind Kate and the waitress to our table.

“I have an idea.” Liam said, once we were seated and our menus were unfolded. “Since you and Louis are really over and are just friends now, you should go on a date.”

I stared at Liam in surprise, trying to figure out the best way I could say no.

“No.” I decided that was the best way I could say it. I shook my head and focused down at the menu again.

“Why not? You and Louis are over right? He has a girlfriend and you are single. So you should date someone.” Liam pushed. I looked at Kate for help; she turned to Liam and placed a hand on his arm.

“It’s not so much about Louis, Li. It’s more whether Annabelle is even ready to date yet.” Kate said for me. I nodded along anyway.

I hadn’t been on a date since I stopped drinking. I didn’t even know how to date properly when you were a celebrity. Apart from one night stands that you meet at clubs. But I doubted that was the type of dating Liam was meaning.

“Then why don’t you come on a double date with Kate and I? I have a friend who is in town and I promised him I would take him out. It doesn’t even have to be a date, date. It can be just four people hanging out, together. I won’t even tell him it’s a date. Just friends.” Liam kept pushing.

I groaned and glanced towards Kate, who shrugged and motioned towards me. She was okay with this if I was.

“Okay.” I sighed out, Liam’s face lighting up with happiness and a little bit of something us. “Just as friends though.”

“Got it.” Liam smirked, his eyes roaming back down to the menu and I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to regret this.
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Song Title: White Lies - The Saturdays

​So because it has been forever, I wrote this at work last night and posted it as soon as possible. It's almost end of the year for me at Uni and that means heaps of assignments and an exam to study for. I would like to promise to post on time next week but I just don't know right now, especially now that I have a second job. But I promise I'm going to work hard at posting within a weeks time!
​Comments do encourage me to write!

​xx​​​​​​