‹ Prequel: Love in Music

Love in Lights

Why Am I Fighting Life So Hard?

“A lot of people think I wrote ‘Chasing Lights’ about my long time boyfriend Tony. But that’s not true. The ‘other’ person that is sung about in ‘Chasing Lights’ is actually myself. I became another person over the last year. A person who had dreams of being famous but they turned out to be a lot different to what I expected. Being famous created demons in my head that I wasn’t strong enough to fight.

People were always messaging and posting about what we wore, what we looked like, how much weight we had put on, how horrible our voices were, and for a long time everything felt really negative. Negative, to the point, where I failed to see anything good about myself.

I felt overweight, too short, too pale, too blue eyes or fat-lipped. I became obsessed about things I couldn’t control so I controlled the things I could. I controlled them with an unhealthy possessiveness. One of those things was my weight. I could control how much I ate and how much I lost. So I slowly stopped eating and I lost weight. But it was never enough because people were out there and they were still saying nasty things about us. So I kept losing weight and I kept hurting the people around me and myself, body and mind, while doing it.

It was horrible and I started talking to someone and I got better. I still have trouble, though. I still look at food and get sick in the stomach or a voice in my head tells me that I’m too fat or that I’ve eaten enough today. Luckily, I have friends and family who supports me and annoyingly makes sure I am basically eating all the time.

This song also happened to push me the rest of the way through while I was recovering. I was chasing lights, I was chasing the lights of being famous and by doing that I was wasting away and becoming someone I didn’t want to be. It also wasn’t working, doing this job someone else’s way, the voice in my head, or a harsh person on Twitter, I couldn’t do it any of their ways. I had to do this whole thing my way. So I fought the demons off and I feel healthier and livelier for it all.” – Gracie on her song ‘Chasing Lights’

“Are you going to get your parents?” Lucinda poked her head around the corner of the kitchen while I grabbed my keys from the bowl on the coffee table in the living room.

“Yeah, their plane should land in about half an hour.” I told her, grabbing my bag off the couch and following her back into the kitchen.

Aaron was making two sandwiches at the counter while Lucinda pulled down some glasses.

“I might be back later tonight.” I told them pressing a kiss to Lucinda’s cheek.

“You’re okay right, Bello?” Aaron asked, pressing a kiss to my temple. I smiled and let myself lean on him for a moment.

“Yeah, I will be.” I murmured, closing my eyes briefly, before taking a deep breath and straightening up.

Lucinda smiled at me sadly and reached out a hand towards me. I shook my head and squeezed her hand before moving towards the front door.

“I’m fine, guys. It will be good to be with my family.” I told them, before heading out the front door.

It almost felt like I was floating, the feeling of nothing holding me down, but there was also nothing tying me to the ground. I almost felt invisible, ignoring the flashes that mirrored around the lobby when I reached ground floor. Security helped me into the car park and I pulled out the back, away from the flashes at the front.

The flight was landing by the time I pulled into a car park at the airport. I rushed through Heathrow, finding the terminal my parents would be coming from and waited patiently, my eyes roaming around the people slowly piling their way out. Everyone looked tired, eyes drooping and hair tangled and greasy. Clothes were rumpled but there were still a few that looked unbelievably excited to be in London. I remembered that feeling on my first flight here.

Annalisa came first, pushing through the sleep deprived passengers and barreled straight into my arms. I felt like she had grown so much since the last time I saw her, the top of her head easily reaching the tip of my nose.

I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face into her hair, breathing her in. She always felt like home.

I pulled away, sniffling slightly and looking up through blurred eyes as both my parents headed over to us. My mother was as proper and well groomed then anyone else leaving a twenty-four hour flight. Not one piece of clothing was out of place and her tight pencil skirt wasn’t even wrinkled. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun on her head without a strand loose. Dad on the other actually looked like he had dressed for comfort on the flight, his hair was flying at odd angles, but it always was. He tended to pull at it when he was frustrated or reading.

“Hey guys.” I reached for them and wrapped my arms around both their necks. It felt like a humming comfort, our bodies almost singing at being back together again. It was a relief and a surprise. Before any of the singing and being famous happened I never thought I would be so happy or homesick to see my parents again.

“Come on Annabelle, we don’t have all day. We need to get our luggage eventually.” My Mum was the first to break away but she pressed a kiss to my hairline gently before leading the way through the crowd, head held high and eyes straight like she owned the place.

My father winked at me and pulled me along, wrapping me under his arms and into his side. Annabelle curled into mine as we all followed our matriarch through the crowds.

More glances were being thrown my way. Looks that wavered and stayed longer as people began to realise who I was.

“We should probably get out of here as soon as possible.” I murmured to Dad. His eyes hadn’t missed the looks we were getting.

“Where is your security?” He asked. I looked guiltily and shook my head.

“Annabelle, it’s dangerous if you don’t bring security with you everywhere you go. What if you are mobbed? We don’t need you having anymore panic attacks.” Mum grabbed two pieces of luggage off the belt before Dad grabbed another three. I widened my eyes at how many they had. I was hoping it would fit in the car.

“I’ll find some security.”

I moved to protest but Mum was already waving people over, her eyes sharp and important as she talked to them briskly. Soon five security guards surrounded us, they called more attention towards us then what we had before.

“Mum.” Annalisa sighed, her eyes going wide at the crowd that grew closer, her hand holding on tightly to her suitcase.

There wasn’t too much trouble getting out of the airport afterwards. Security easily cleared the way and once people realised that they weren’t getting any closer they cleared off. It was only crazy if fans were actually there in large numbers.

Security walked us to our car and I left my parents to thank them while Annalisa and I packed the car, murmuring together before we all climbed in.

“So I booked a nice hotel that is only a couple of streets over from Kate’s house so I can easily come over all the time. I’ve got some security planned there, though. It shouldn’t be bad but just incase a couple of fans, I know, like getting photos with Annalisa. You know to stay away from them as much as possible.” I directed this last part to Annalisa who waved her hand at me before I focused back on the road.

“There’s a restaurant on the bottom level that is really good and there’s also a few other places around that I like to frequent a lot. I wasn’t sure if you guys wanted to do much, but we can definitely do sight seeing if want. Shopping as well of course.”

Mum reached over and tapped my hand that rested my thigh. “It’s okay sweetie, we’re just here to spend time with you. We’re not worried about doing a lot. Your father and I have some work to still do while here so you and Annalisa are free to do whatever you two will like.”

I only slightly deflated but Annalisa and I were used to this by now. Every family trip we ever went on still included Mum and Dad needing to work as well.

“We can fit some surfing in as well.” My father piped up from the back. I looked in the rearview mirror incredulously.

“You do realise it’s almost winter here right?” I asked him.

“Does that mean the waves disappear?” He teased back. I shook my head and pulled into the hotel parking lot.

“You are crazy.” I muttered to him, rolling down my window to talk to security before we were allowed in.

I checked them in at the front desk, under my name, before following the bellboy up to the rooms.

There was a large living room and kitchen with two bedrooms with bathrooms each. It was nice being able to shout my family accommodation. Annalisa was happy, running in to claim a room while my parents got themselves settled, unpacking and scanning the few bits of food that was supplied in the kitchen.

I went in search of Annalisa to find her playing with the jets in the spa of her bathroom.

“Child.” I teased, poking my tongue at her when she jumped at my voice. She blushed before shrugging and rushing back into her bedroom, pouncing onto the bed in delight.

I laughed and followed, jumping amongst the pillows and staring up at the clean white ceiling.

“How did your end of year exams go?” I asked her, we had talked briefly when she had finished the other week but not for long.

“Good, I’m happy with how much effort I put in. I guess I just have to wait for the results now.” She sighed out, her head turning to me. “But I feel free and entirely grown up.”

I rolled over onto my stomach. “Grown up wouldn’t have anything to do with going to schoolies?” I questioned her. She grinned and shrugged. She was terrible at lying to me.

“Please don’t tell me you weren’t cliché enough to have sex at schoolies?” I begged her. She flushed darker and slapped my arm.

“No!” She yelled, laughter bubbling up. “I did meet someone.” She added.

“Have you told Mum and Dad?” I asked.

She shot me a disbelieving look. “They would run a background check on him. I swear they Googled the shit out of Louis when you started dating.”

I went quiet, the thought of Louis still like a stab of pain in my chest.

“Sorry.” She whispered, her hand coming up to run through my hair. I shook my head and tried to fight a smile for her.

“It’s okay, it’s fine. And nice change of subject.” I tried to joke but everything just sounded painful.

“Annabelle, are you sure they you want to do this. To stay out of his life for good?” She asked softly.

I sighed, it’s not like I hadn’t had these question from each of the girls at some point. Even Jen had talked to me the other day. “He literally faked a girlfriend to keep me away Lissy, he had to pretend to be taken to even believe that I could function around him. Do you know how crazy that makes me feel?”

Annalisa stayed silent, her eyes burning into mine.

I looked away and fiddled with the comforter. “On top of that, he couldn’t even handle it when he thought I was dating someone. Do you know how hard I tried to be happy for him? And he couldn’t even pretend to be the same. Instead he turned around and told me that he couldn’t be in my life if I was going to date someone. How is that even fair?”

I sat up and cross my legs underneath me. I felt tired and sore and my chest felt like a constant ache lately. Like my heart was wounded, its beating sluggish and painful.

“Girls we’re going to head out for dinner.” Mum called through the door, pulling us both out of the conversation. I sighed and stood up from the bed. Trust my parents to fly over twenty-four hours and still be more energetic than I was.

“Some people are worth fighting for.” Annalisa stopped me from walking out the door.

I turned to her, exasperated, clenching my hands into fists at my side. “I have been fighting. I fought to apologise and to show I had changed. I fought to be together and I fought to be his friend. All I have been doing is fighting and I’m exhausted and he doesn’t want me to do it anymore.” I kept my voice down, not wanting to yell at my sister when she only just got here.

“He doesn’t want you around because he got jealous Annabelle and he didn’t think he could handle it. Louis is still showing emotion towards you, which means that he still feels something for you.” Annalisa reasoned.

“Some people are worth fighting for,” she repeated. “Above and beyond everything else. Even when they don’t want to be fought for, they’re still worth fighting for. Louis and you, being together, will always be worth fighting for.”


I rushed down the studio halls, clutching my bag in one hand and two coffees in another. I was supposed to meet Gracie at the studio half an hour ago but I got caught up with Annalisa.

“Hey Gracie pie. So sorry I’m late but I brought coffee.” I sung, marching in the door and slamming the coffee down on the table.

I looked up and jumped when I saw Ed Sheeran sitting at the table, Gracie next to him. She grinned and happily reached for her coffee. I stared; start struck at Ed for a moment before quickly apologising.

“Sorry are you guys busy? I’ll come back?” I went to take a step back but Ed shook his head.

“I ran into Grace outside and we got to talking and ended up in here talking about wording and rhyming.”

“Since the person who was supposed to be helping me is almost an hour late.” Gracie shot at me; though there was a smile playing across her mouth. I grabbed my coffee and fell down into one of the couch cushions across from the two of them.

I took a large sip of the warm coffee and sighed happily. “You know what happens when Annalisa starts talking.” I defended.

“You also don’t stop.” Gracie murmured, her eyes turning back to the papers sprawled out in front of them both.

“Is this your song for Tony?” I lit up, crawling onto the floor so I was at shoulder height with the coffee table.

Ed moved forward and pushed the sheets around so I could read them. There was also some scribbled music notes down one side. I eyed Ed’s guitar. “Can you play it?” I asked them both. Ed waited for Gracie’s okay before picking up the guitar.

“Just the chorus. We’re still working on the rest.” Gracie said. I sat patiently while Ed counted them both in.

“If you fall for me, then let it be
But you can do what you want with me
Do what you want with me
I’ll hold you close, won’t let you go
But you can do what you want with me
Do what you want with me.” Gracie sung flawlessly.

Ed kept playing and nudged the music sheet towards me. I saw the next verse and picked up where he was.

“You stoked a fire, and fanned a live desire
I blinked an eye, who enters in my life?
Then you transpire, I can’t believe my eyes
Two hearts, two lives
Wrapped up and intertwined.” I sang with Ed’s music.

“I think that part is the best verse she’s got.” Ed pointed out, putting his guitar down. “But she doesn’t like it.

“I’m just not sure about it.” Gracie shrugged, biting her lip.

I threw a scrunched ball of paper at her. “Are you serious? I love it, you’re keeping it.” I mock glared at her. In the end this was her song and I would support her choices but I would still nudge her in the right direction if need be.

Ed shuffled through a few more pages and pulled out a book. Gracie’s songbook. “She also showed me a song of yours that I think you should continue.” Ed propped the book in front of me and I looked down at it confused.

I had started writing this ages ago, early last year at least. But I had thrown it away. Not liking where it was taking me. It would give me hope back then, and hope was dangerous.

“Where did you get this?” I asked Gracie.

She smiled softly. “I saw that you threw it away so I grabbed it and copied it into my book. It was good, really good. And I thought one day you might need it.” Gracie said.

Ed picked his guitar back up again. “I actually have some ideas for it if you want to listen?” He asked.

I nodded at him numbly, my fingers carefully touching the page. I had thrown away every bit of paper and music that had reminded me of this song. I had tried to push it out of my life.

“Okay so your chorus sings:
Cause if there’s a chance we might’ve missed
And if there’s a ray of light in this
Baby you should know that this is where my heart takes over?” Ed sung slowly. Slower then I wanted the pace to be.

“And from what I’ve seen you haven’t made much else so I don’t full know where this song is coming from or who it’s for.”

“Louis.” I murmured, my fingers tracing the words on the page.

“I thought so.” Ed confirmed. “So I was thinking that the first verse can go something like this:
What’s it gonna be,
Are you willingly walking away from this?
What’s it gonna take,
Can you really break this love?”

Ed sung. I couldn’t help but continue.

“Where you gonna go?
Tell me do you know when does your heart emit?
Cause if you leave, baby then leave.”

Ed looked surprised.

“Guess the song never really left my heart.” I shrugged feeling tears build in my eyes. This song was still filled with hope that I could get Louis back. And now all my hopes were pointless, it wasn’t going to happen.

“We’re artists. And we write songs and play music and doing this helps us cope. Helps us live and get over the pain.” Ed started to say. “Don’t stop writing this song because it got hard or you, you lost hope. Whether you know it or not, I think you need to write this, finish it. You might be surprised where you arrive at when you reach the other side.”
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So I updated within a week! Actually shorter then a week apart! Welcome to the life of me no longer having University :D
​Thanks for all the fabulous comments. It's nice to know that even though I didn't post for ages you were all still around and commented - made me motivated to get this out quicker!

​SongTitle: 5 minutes at a time - Superchick​​​​