Love in Lights

“First question tweeted in is from Katie who lives right here in London. What is your go to board game to play?”

I eyed Gracie out of the corner of my eye who frowned at the interviewer.

“Funny that you should ask that Katie, as Gracie here isn’t allowed to play board games anymore.” I took the question.

“The others kept losing.” Gracie defended. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at our interviewer.

“No, actually Gracie likes to cheat. She does the whole stealing money from the monopoly bank when no one’s watching. Hiding draw cards under her leg when we play Uno. You name the game and Gracie cheats at it.”

“Frankie gets violent and you don’t ban her!”

I laughed at Gracie’s pout. “Safe to say we don’t actually play board games any more.”

“Okay next question all the way from Canada, what are each of you really horrible at?”

“Walking in heels.” I said immediately, lifting up my booted feet from the ground. “It’s been like three or four years since I first started wearing them and I still wobble in them. It’s a miracle I haven’t broken anything!”

“I don’t know what mine would be.” Gracie mused.

I snorted and nudged my shoulder into hers. “You’re just so perfect right?” I teased.

She blushed and shook her head. “No! I don’t know. Um maybe uh, oh I know, I can’t whistle.” She proceeded to form her lips together and uselessly push out air.

I cracked up laughing watching her face focus on the zero noise that fell from her mouth.

“Alright thank you Annabelle and Gracie.” The host was laughing too as she tried to move on. “The girls from Purity are releasing a new song this week called Wish I Didn’t Know and from what I hear it was written entirely by Annabelle here. Care to tell us about the inspiration behind the song?”

The question was carefully asked, adhering to all the rules that had been placed around this interview. Don’t ask whom we wrote the song about and don’t mention Louis Tomlinson. Asking what my inspiration was could be taken in a different direction. I was ready for this, though, I knew that they would worm their way around the rules and find a way to ask a nosy question. It’s what they were good at.

But I was good at evading their nosy questions. I had had plenty of practice. “It’s about that feeling that people get when you see the person you let slip through your fingers out with someone else. It’s something most people would have experienced and I hope in some ways they can relate to this song.” I refrained from exceeding too much smugness when the interviewer practically deflated from my vague wording.

I released my songs to the public and that was fine. But that didn’t mean I had to share everything behind it, I didn’t have to share my personal thoughts or feelings. Some things in my life could remain a secret. – December 2016

I pushed Frankie’s hands away from my ribs for the umpteenth time and glared at her. She wouldn’t stop annoying me.

“I’m trying to read Frankie.” I hissed through my teeth before staring back down at the booklet in front of me.

Purity had been invited by Lisa Amberson to come and talk with young girls who had battled with body issues. It was a program created by the Amberson Company and they hadn’t been able to find any celebrity endorsements so far. We were more than keen to help out.

I felt Frankie’s fingers dig into my ribs for the last time. I reached out and shoved with both my feet and my hands until I successfully felt Frankie roll off the couch and hit the floor with a thud.

“Bitch.” She moaned out while I continued reading. Aaron’s snort of laughter came from the doorway before he sat down in Frankie’s place.

I eyed him before digging my sock covered feet under his thigh, happy at the warmth that spread through them.

Lucinda came through, when I finished with the booklet, with four mugs on a tray.

“Tea, two sugars.” She passed a mug to me before proceeding to hand out everyone else’s tea and Frankie’s hot chocolate.

“So what do you think?” Lucinda asked, falling into the armchair across from us while Frankie when to sit on the other sofa with her drink.

“I like it.” I murmured, nursing my tea and taking a sip. “I mean we want to help and we want to make a difference and I think meeting with these young girls and talking with them could really help a lot.” I reasoned.

Frankie nodded from where she was trying to pull a blanket over her bare legs. Lucinda’s heater was warming the room but we were still slightly cold from the snow outside.

“I think Gracie and Kate would like it as well.” Lucinda added.

“Where are those two?” Frankie asked, barely looking at her phone while her thumb continued to scroll.

“Both on dates I think. I know Gracie said Tony and her went to lunch or something and Kate was with Liam.” Lucinda said.

“Did we ruin a date for you guys?” I asked, wriggling my toes under Aaron’s leg. He gently smacked my ankle and shook his head.

“We live together, we don’t need to date anymore.” He smirked before Lucinda’s cushion smacked him in the face. He just moved his tea in time so he didn’t spill it. They shot each other glares for a moment before Aaron’s glare turned unbearably fond.

Frankie fake gagged on the sofa. “Uh it’s official I am going to be the only one all alone on Christmas and probably New Years.” She sighed dramatically.

I rolled my eyes, knowing that Frankie was perfectly okay with being alone. After her last stint with Noah she wanted to spend more time by herself and less time worrying about dating.

“I’ll probably be by myself too. We can keep each other company.” I said into my mug.

Frankie rolled her eyes. “You’re only going to be alone because you’re forcing it upon yourself. Louis probably has like a five course meal and romantic New Years plans if you let him.”

“I’m not stopping him.” I defended, as I was sent three different looks of exasperation. “He can do something romantic for us. I certainly wouldn’t mind.”

“Right so the reason you’ve been hiding out here and not with him is because?” Lucinda waited with one eyebrow raised.

I wilted under her stare. “What am I supposed to do? He thinks he can wait for me to say it but what if I can’t, what if I don’t ever end up? Can I really make him wait for that?” I voiced softly, my eyes fixed on the brown liquid in my mug.

“Is that all that’s worrying you?” Lucinda asked. Aaron grabbed onto my ankle and squeezed it comfortingly. I shot him a small smile.

“I’m worried that maybe I’m relying on Louis too much,” I began, “relying on him to make me happy. I’ve been focusing so much, lately, on getting him back and making him happy and I’m worried that if this doesn’t work out, if we don’t end up together, can I get through that without hitting rock bottom?”

Frankie stayed quiet, her eyes gazing away from us all and I didn’t want to bring this up in front of her. I didn’t want her to feel guilty or pathetic that she went back to Noah. I didn’t want her to think that I thought less of her for it. But I was afraid that what happened to her would happen to me. That I would do what I did the last time I split from Louis, become a drunken mess.

“But you have survived without him.” Lucinda said firmly, demanding my attention. “You’ve survived three years without Louis. Maybe not the most healthy or best three years. But you still lived without him and this last year you have more then survived without him. You got yourself back together and started to heal without you two being in a relationship.”

“You don’t have to do it without him, either.” Frankie said, her eyes red around the edges. “I thought I could go back to Noah and handle it you know? I thought that I didn’t need to tell you guys because I wanted to show that I could do it by myself. I wanted to show myself that I didn’t need you all to keep me clean.

“But that’s the thing I didn’t have to do it without you all, so why bother? This is the same, Louis is offering, practically begging to help you out, to help you heal. You don’t have to be strong and do this by yourself; you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. If you want help and if Louis can be the good type of help then take it. Take the help, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“That’s what you do when you’re in love.” Aaron now pulled my attention to him, his smile warm and encouraging. “You help them and you forgive them no matter what. You’ll never be a burden to Louis. He loves you and he wants to help you. So let him.”

I stayed silent, sipping my tea and staring at the threads in the blanket that I had thrown over my lap. “How do I even talk to him about this. It just ends in fights or whatever lately and I don’t want to fight with Louis anymore, I just want to be happy with him.” I could feel my heart clench at the idea of being happy with Louis, with no other problems.

“Why don’t you take him home? To Australia?” Lucinda voiced. “Take him home for a week, right before Christmas since we’re all on holidays. Then it can just be the two of you and then you’ll have nothing else to distract you both but what you need to talk about. By the end of it all you will know what you want to do.”

I actually liked the idea. I would be heading home soon anyway to spend Christmas with my family. I could always go a week earlier, with Louis, and get out of the cold and into the Australian summer. It sounded nice, spending time with Louis at the beach.

Lucinda fist pumped triumphantly when I reached for my phone. I flipped her off but still pulled up Louis’ name in my phone. Aaron cheered while Frankie bemoaned her loneliness once again.