Love in Lights

The bacon sizzled in the frying pan and I tried not to gag at the smell that quickly spread throughout the kitchen. I moved over to the toaster and began buttering warm toast before grabbing glasses from a cupboard and filling them with orange juice.

I could hear soft thuds on the stairs and I couldn’t hide the grin that slid across my face.

“Smells good.” Louis snuffled, wrapping his arms around my stomach. His shirt, that barely covered my bottom, bunched up around my waist.

I began cracking eggs into a bowl while Louis buried his nose deep behind my ear. “You don’t like bacon.” Louis muttered.

I laughed and shrugged him off me so I could grab the milk and pour it in with the eggs. “Yes, but you do.” I added, stirring the eggs and milk together.

“Thank you.” He grinned, teeth showing.

“It smells bloody awful.” I told him, wrinkling my nose in its direction. Louis reached out to flip the bacon over.

“It smells like happiness.” Louis sighed out, making me laugh.

“Coffee, tea?” I asked Louis, reaching to boil some water while I took a sip of my juice.

“I’ll make it.” He said hurriedly, hip bumping me away from the kettle. “You still suck at making it.”

I narrowed my eyes at Louis but let him make it. It was too early to listen to his horrified noises while I dunked the tea bag into the water. I never understood how I could get that wrong.

We took the breakfast out onto the table set up on my back porch. The smell of the ocean assaulted our noses and the calmness of the crashing waves filled my ears with a calming sound.

“I think I could live here for the rest of my life and be happy.” Louis commented, munching on a piece of bacon.

I turned to him, watching as his gaze settled onto something far out in the ocean. He blinked leisurely, one of his feet causally tangled with mine under the table.

“I wouldn’t mind.” I found myself saying. “This could be a holiday home.”

Louis met my gaze; his eyes narrowing in while he paused mid chew. I held his gaze wanting to prove whatever he was looking for.

“Sounds good.” He said, slowly, finishing his bacon and turning back to the ocean.

“We never did this before.” Louis said once we had finished all the food. I rested back on my seat and eyed him.

“We never went away on a holiday or anything.” He elaborated further.

I shrugged, always finding it uncomfortable when we talked about the past. “We were busy when we met. And it’s not like I could have afforded it back then, anyway.” I buried my nose in my cup of tea and sipped.

“Would you have come, if I had asked?” Louis smile was small and his body slumped. “I used to second-guess everything we did back then, wondering when I became more invested than you were.”

It hurt. Louis always knew how to hurt me. “Just because I couldn’t say three words, doesn’t mean I was less invested in what we had.” I growled, glaring at him but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.

“I’m not her.” I said forcefully. I nudged Louis’ foot under the table, hard, and grabbed his attention. “If you’re still in love with her then you have to tell me now. Because I’m not her, Lou, she was a child, an innocent child at that. I’ve been through too much for me to ever be her.” It scared me that one day he would realise that I wasn’t the girl he loved. The girl he loved didn’t understand celebrity life or how to be famous. The girl he loved was still a virgin and didn’t understand that someone could hate themselves enough for it to hurt.

“Of course you’re still her.” Louis snorted. “You’re still the same Annabelle Blake that I loved. You’re still the same girl who pulls a funny face at someone any time she feels awkward. You’re the girl who can’t walk in heels and thinks that teenage girls are the most beautiful humans in the world. You, Annabelle Blake who loves your sister so damn much. Annabelle Blake who puts me in my place, has the loudest laugh I’ve ever heard and sucks at pretending that she doesn’t care.”

I blinked at the water in my eyes and turned away from Louis.

“You’re still you, you’ve just grown up. So you’re not as naïve anymore. And maybe you’ve stayed at a hospital over night too many times to be proud about. You can’t drink alcohol reasonably and you freak out when people get too close. And that’s fine. You are still you. You’ve just grown and changed and there isn’t anything wrong with that.”

“It’s hard.” My voice cracked. “It’s hard to see any of that to be good. I’ve been seeing flaws for so long, that it’s hard not to hear that and hate myself.”

Louis looked shocked. His eyebrows furrowing before he moved around to kneel by my chair. “Then I get to remind you of how those flaws are the best things about you. They are my favourite things about you.”

I smile weakly down at Louis, understanding that he was making me a promise here and Louis wouldn’t break a promise. I leaned forward to press my forehead against his and took a deep breath. And another one. Each one felt like it was fixing some little broken part of me, with glue or stitches or anything necessary so I could be a little bit more whole again.

“I’m in love with you. And I know for a fact that you can’t do anything to change that. I’ve never been able to stop.” He said.

I desperately reached forward and pulled Louis closer, pressing kisses on his cheek, his nose, his forehead and hairline until finally pressing my lips against his; the dryness didn’t matter to either of us. I didn’t even need anything more than just the press of our two lips. He was here and he loved me and that didn’t scare me as much as I thought it would.

“Now come on,” Louis began, pulling away and rising to his feet, “you brought me all the way out here with the promise of surfing. So let’s go.” Louis grabbed my arm and began to drag me as I only half-heartedly protested. It’s not like I hadn’t been dying to get in the water since the moment I had woken up.

The sun was burning but in a good way, in the way that it never really does in Europe. Here, on the beach, it’s like you could actively feel your body soak up the rays, and convert it into happiness and energy.

I winced as the cold water began to drip over my skin but refused to open my eyes.

“Are you seriously just going to lay on the beach when there is a whole ocean in front of you?” Louis asked and I frowned when the light blinding my closed eyelids suddenly disappeared.

I blinked and glared up at him, and his wet hair that was dripping all over me. “Yes, it’s called relaxing, you should try it some time.” I groaned and kicked out at him before closing my eyes again.

“It’s called being boring.” Louis yelled, as his voice got further away. I smiled to myself and sighed blissfully at how comfortable I was.

Of course it was ruined, once again, by a phone ringing. By Louis’ phone ringing. I sighed and blindly reached out onto the towel scrunched up next to me before my fingers hit a phone.

I swiped at the screen and pulled it to my ear. “Hello.”

“Uh hi? Annabelle? It’s Lottie.”

I sat up so quickly small white dots filled my vision. I tried to find Louis on the surf but I couldn’t see from where I was sitting.

“Uh, hi Lottie.” I said awkwardly, aware that I hadn’t talked to any of Loui’s family since before we broke up. Also aware that if I were them, I would hate me right now.

“Is Louis there?” She asked, her voice sounded neutral and not pissed off so I took that as a plus.

“He’s surfing right now, I could try to get his attention to call him back in.” I offered, standing up ready to do just that but Lottie interrupted.

“No it’s okay! It’s nothing important, I was going to just call for a chat and Mum wanted me to check to make sure he was still going to be home for his birthday.”

I sat back down on my towel, pulling my knees up so my chin could rest on them. “He’s leaving the day before so he’ll make it in time for your plans.” I told her. “You sure you don’t want me to call him in, I’m sure he would love to talk with you.”

“No, no it’s fine. I’ll call him later or something.”

A small awkward silence fell between the both of us and I didn’t know how to break it. I didn’t know what I was welcomed to say.

“You can come too you know? Mum had meant to invite you but we assumed you were staying with your family for Christmas?”

I was surprised by the invitation. “Thank you, really, but yeah I am staying with my family. But I would have loved to have come.” I said sincerely.

“Sure. It’s Louis’ birthday party; of course you would be invited. You’re important to him.” Lottie said sounding so much more mature then the last time I had talked to her. It made me miss the days I had hung out with Louis’ sisters; it was nice being around such a large family that had worked so easily. And Louis had gotten another set of twin siblings since I had last seen them all.

“We’re not angry at you or anything.” Lottie continued before I could say anything more. “Mum isn’t either. She kinda understood a lot more than Louis did, at the time. She would probably love to talk to you again.” Lottie started to sound awkward, having to continue the conversation without any help from me.

“I would love that.” I smiled into the phone when Louis crashed gracelessly into the waves. “Maybe I’ll come visit you guys when I’m back in England.” It was a promise I wanted to keep.

-

I paused mid-step when Louis’ hand grabbed mine.

“What are you doing?” I asked, wide-eyed and quickly pulled our hands apart.

Louis shot me an annoyed look.

“People are going to notice.” I hissed at him, aware that we were standing in the middle of a busy shopping street so I shoved Louis over towards a building. He went obligingly.

“So?”

“So, so people are going to assume we’re together and then there is going to be a lot of attention and I don’t know if I can handle that.” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

Louis sighed and grabbed onto both my hands this time, holding tightly so I couldn’t pull away.

“If people assume we are together than they are assuming correctly. And it’s not going to be any different then what it has been for the last month or two. Everyone already thinks we’re together.” Louis said insistently, bending slightly so he was eye level with me. “And you won’t have to handle it alone. I promise.” Louis pecked a kiss on my nose and I scrunched it up.

I hated when he went all cute. I couldn’t say no. “Come on.” I sighed, stepping back into the busy street and only letting go of one of Louis’ hands. I could feel his smugness through our entwined hands.

My parents and Annalisa were already at a table by the time we reached the restaurant we were having lunch at. I greeted both my parents and took a seat next to Annalisa, listening to her tell me everything that had happened since I had talked to her on the phone yesterday morning.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Louis took it in turns greeting both of my parents. He shook my dad’s hand and pressed a kiss to my mum’s cheek before he ruffled Annalisa’s hair. She slapped his hand away, not taking a break in her story. He sat down in the seat beside me and threw an arm across the back of my chair. I let myself sink back against it and enjoyed the contentment of no arguments, no hidden hatred or any dislike floating around the table.

It took only twenty minutes for the feeling to be ruined. The first flashes were barely noticeable, it wasn’t until my mother’s eyes narrowed in on the window behind me that I turned to see a large crowd outside the restaurant, most of them paparazzi. Thankfully the restaurant was fancy enough to not let them inside.

“This is what happens when you make a dramatic statement in public.” I hissed at Louis, nodding my head towards the window.

“I’m assuming neither of you have security.” My mother said disapprovingly.

I moved to defend myself but Louis cut in.

“Actually, I do.” He gestured over towards a table not far from us that was occupied by three men in suits. I stared at them, shocked as they rose at Louis’ nod and moved towards us.

“How did I not notice them?” I asked shocked, realising that their table was void of any drinks or food.

Louis snorted. “You can be embarrassingly oblivious at times. They walked behind us the whole way here.”

I blushed darkly while Louis told one of the men to ensure there was a car ready for when we wanted to leave.

“Really sweetie, you insisted on walking through busy streets without protection?” My father said gently, but my Mother was clearly judging.

“If you don’t use the protection available to you, I will handle security for you. Whether you are here or in another continent I will make sure security surrounds you at all times.”

I groaned at my Mother, knowing that she was not joking. “Don’t be so dramatic.

“You’re prone to panic attacks in large crowds, Annabelle, I am not being dramatic.” She took a sip of her wine and I let the matter drop. I knew she was worried about me and this was her way of showing that.

“At least Louis here had the common sense to bring security.” My father nodded at Louis and Louis straightened in his chair beside me, preening in my father’s praise. I was too happy about them getting along to be offended by the dig at my common sense.

“Oh God, what if they got a photo of me spilling the juice on myself.” Annalisa suddenly broke through, groaning and shoving her head into her hands. I laughed loudly and patted her back, only half-sympathising with her. I was pretty sure they someone had definitely got a photo or video of that.

When it was time to go I finally looked at the crowd properly. It had grown even bigger the longer we sat here and panic started low in my stomach.

“We’re going to have to go out the front.” Louis said when he came back from talking to the manager. “The back alleyway is full of reporters too. If we go out the front we just have a straight shot to the car.”

“Right.” I nodded, standing up and trying to seem more confident then I was. “You guys give it a bit after we leave. Once we’re gone they should mostly leave.” I told my family, kissing my parents and pulling Annalisa into a hug.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said to Annalisa before stepping away from the table and latching onto Louis’ arm. Both my hands gripped tightly at his left bicep but he didn’t say anything. Only led me to the front door where two security men were standing, waiting, the other one was already in the car.

“Are you ready?” Louis asked.

I glanced back at my family, smiled weakly at Annalisa before turning back to the door. People were already crowding around it, flashes getting quicker and quicker when they realised we were coming out.

“Take a deep breath now, okay?” Louis said, reaching up to grab onto my hands and pulled them off his bicep. He linked one hand with mine and wrapped his other arm around my waist, pulling me closer.

“I won’t let anything bad happen,” He said, his lips tickling my ear.

Security waited until I finally nodded, rolling my shoulders back and keeping my head up high. The both nodded back before opening the door. The sounds of cameras and people yelling assaulted my ears and I would have stepped back if I didn’t have Louis’ support. Instead he urged me forward straight into the crowd and I could feel a whimper slip past my lips. It was too loud for anyone to hear.

The security guards took up position either side of us and began pushing through the crowd. Everything turned into a blur around me while Louis held on tightly. I imagined he whispered encouraging words to me but I couldn’t hear. Everything had become a low hum and bodies and faces were becoming blurrier.

It was better this way. Blurs were better than walls of bodies. I startled when Louis jolted, his arm almost slipping from my back before he was right back at my side, holding on tighter than before. His fingers were digging in my hip, painfully but it was a comfort to know that he was still there.

I didn’t know how much longer I could do this. It already felt too long, too far of a walk just to reach the sidewalk. I was starting to see faces and that only made it more horrifying. People looked grotesque in a mass of bodies. Their eyes were harsh and their mouths wide. They were yelling questions but I couldn’t hear, it was all too blurred together.

There were fans there too, young ones who smiled happily before their phones were lifted to cover their faces. I would have liked to greet them but it was too much and I couldn’t stop.

I was surprised when my hearing slowly came back, the buzzing in my ears suddenly gone, and it was just Louis and I in the back of a car that was already driving. Louis was pressing my seatbelt into its buckle and smiling up at me.

“You did well, love.” He said gently, grabbing onto my shaking hands and pressing them between his.

I took a deep breath and looked out the window behind us. I couldn’t even see the restaurant anymore and I worried how long I had been non-functioning.

I rested my head against the back of the car seat and exhaled slowly. I wanted to be better at this; I needed to be better at this.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up about something that’s out of your control.” Louis said. I had apparently talked out loud. “This isn’t on you, this isn’t something that you can make better. Those crowds are insane and scary and you don’t have to find a way to be strong or face them by yourself. It’s okay to need help.”

I closed my eyes and rested my head on Louis’ shoulder and let my exhaustion take over. I didn’t have a panic attack but the lead up to it was just as exhausting.

-

Louis was giggling uncontrollably, the smell of alcohol wafting from his pores. I wrinkled my nose at him and pushed him into the house. He stumbled and fell into my side table before flopping onto the cold tiles, his peels of laughter ringing through the house.

I rolled my eyes and thanked security before shutting the door behind me.

We had gone out to a club to dance and after much persuasion I had finally convinced Louis that I was okay with him drinking. Just because I wasn’t going to drink didn’t mean that he couldn’t.

I took my shoes off then paused when I realised that Louis wasn’t on the floor where he had fallen. Sighing I kicked my shoes in a corner, dropped my bag on the ground and went in search of him. There was a crash and a curse near the back door and I rolled my eyes and headed for it.

Louis was standing close to the large glass doors and rubbing his nose furiously.

“Did you seriously just run into a glass door,” I giggled.

“S’wanted to go swim.” He gestured out to the dark ocean. “Stupid door, won’t lemme out.” He hit his palm against the door in frustration and I snorted in laughter.

“What’s going on?” I turned to Annalisa. She was wearing pajamas and rubbing her eyes tiredly.

“Louis’ drunk.” I explained, gesturing over to where he was trying to pick a lock with his tiny fingernail.

“We should skinny dip.” Louis announced loudly, stumbling back from the door and turning to the both of us with wide eyes and a large smile.

I shook my head. “You’re drunk Lou. The only water you are getting naked in is the shower upstairs.”

Louis did something funny with his eyes, which looked half like a wink before he focused back on the door.

“Wanna go out there.” He said, beginning to take his shirt off.

“Sweetie, no.” I laughed before turning to Annalisa. “Go back to bed. I’ll get some food into him then he should be fine.”

Annalisa didn’t look at me, her eyes widened and I cringed when I heard the sound of a belt buckle hitting the ground.

I turned and looked in shock as Louis stood there, completely naked in all his glory, at front view. He didn’t seem to care, resting his hand on his hips and glaring between the two of us. He huffed and shot one last look at the ocean before storming past the both of us.

I covered Annalisa’s eyes when she turned to watch him go. “I gotta say his ass is cuter than Harry’s.” She said.

I groaned remembering that my sister has now seen two of the five asses of One Direction members.

“I mean I couldn’t compare anything else since I didn’t get to see Harry’s d…”

I covered her mouth with my other hand. “Don’t, please just don’t.” I groaned before there was a loud thump upstairs.

“You think Louis needs help into the shower?” Annalisa asked hopefully.

“Hey.” I growled out, pulling away to slap her arm. She grinned at me before falling into laughter when my name was yelled pitifully through the house. There was a series of pained moans following it.

-

Louis looked pathetic where he stood in front of me, my own pink beanie pulled over his messy hair and sunglasses covering the black eye he had given himself last night when he fell into the bathtub.

“How you feeling for a twenty-four hour flight?” I asked him cheekily. I could imagine the glare he was shooting me behind the glasses, the pout never leaving his lips.

“What are you going to tell the others?” I asked, referring to the extremely noticeable black eye.

“Got into a fight or something.” Louis said, puffing his chest out.

I laughed. “Too bad I already talked to Zayn this morning and told him everything.”

Louis’ eyebrows disappeared behind the beanie. “You didn’t.” He growled out.

“I did.” I said happily. “And if he hasn’t told everyone you know yet, just give him some time, he’s probably having a nap from all the calls.”

“You are horrible.” Louis groaned out. “And I am going to kill Zayn when I get home.”

I laughed and leaned forward to press a kiss to Louis mouth. “You better get on your plane.” I said, nudging my nose against his gently.

“Can I stay with you longer, please?” Louis wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest. I smiled and wrapped my own arms around his middle.

“You just don’t want to show anyone your black eye.” I teased, biting his sweater before resting my chin on his chest and staring up at him.

“Lottie is going to have a field day.” He groaned.

I laughed loudly, again, before reaching and pulling his bottom lip between my teeth. He let it slip back before pressing another kiss, more insistently this time. His tongue swiping along my bottom lip and one of his hands came up to cradle my head against his.

I sighed into the kiss and pulled back. “You really need to go.” I said, burying my head in his neck. “I’ll see you in a week. And Happy Birthday for tomorrow.” I pressed one last kiss to his lips and then took a step back out of his arms.

“I’ll call you when I land.” He promised, swinging his bag up onto his shoulder before stepping forward and giving me one more kiss.

“Look after her.” He called out to the security waiting to guide me back home.

He turned back to me and grinned. “Be good for them and I’ll see you soon. Have a good Christmas.”

I leant up and pressed a kiss to his nose before finally disentangling myself from him. I was only going to be a part from him for barely a week. Six days to be exact and our goodbye was bordering on a year separation.

“Go.” I laughed when Louis still wasn’t moving. I was surprised how happy it made me that Louis wanted to stay. If it were anyone else I would have worried how co-dependent I was being. But Louis made me not care.

“I love you.” Louis called over his shoulder before turning on his heel and joining the crowd of people boarding his flight.

I smiled and crossed my arms over my chest. I love you, I thought.