The Adventures of Mario and Luigi

Once there was a man named Mario. He had a brother named Luigi. They were Italian. They resided in a challenging world accompanied by goombas, walking turtles, fire plants, angry caterpillars, giant spiders, bats, lava, flying turtles, purple poison, bombs and other dangerous creatures. Defense was brutal and food was scarce. If one closed their eyes for even a second, death was risked. A day for Mario and Luigi consisted of one level faced with gruesome challenges. Sometimes Mario made it out, but without Luigi; sometimes it was vice versa. Through it all, though, they stuck together with their teamwork and usually made it out alive in the end.
One day, however, this was not the case. Their teamwork and brotherly bond was put to the test. It started out like another normal day on World Eight (A.K.A. "Lava World). Mario pounded his head on the question mark boxes containing coins.
"Okay, bro, I need to see a doctor 'cause I think I have a concussion," Mario said.
Luigi laughed, "Then there will be more where that came from, bro. Dude, I just can't believe this is it: Bowser's castle, World Eight, after we're done with this, it'll just be me, you, a thousand dollars, a couch and a forty-pack of beer." Luigi dodged fire that spit up from the pool of lava beneath them.
"Yeah," Mario agreed, a bit too glumly.
Luigi held his breath as Mario, himself, missed the lava by an inch and pounded four goombas on the head.
"We're almost there, too, almost to Bowser's lure!" Luigi continued, optimistically, "We're gonna beat up that bastard like there's no tomorrow, put him in his rightful place 'cause he messed with the wrong people!"
"Yeah," Mario agreed once more.
"W'as 'a matter, bro?" Luigi questioned, concerned.
"Oh, just didn't get enough sleep is all, what with those red, "PMS-y" caterpillars nibbling at my ankles all night," he assured him.
"Oh." Luigi hopped on a turtle and sent the shell flying backwards in Mario's direction.
He quickly stopped it and hurried to catch up with Luigi.
The humidity of the room combined with their vigorous physical activity made them sweat immensely. Luigi wiped his brows, took off his hat and fanned his face with it. Mario did the same.
"Can I ask you something?" Mario wondered.
"Shoot."
"Well, do you think my, um, mustache is too, you know, bushy?" Mario replied, cautiously.
Luigi burst out laughing, "What kinda dumb question is that and why do you care?"
He looked slightly irritated, "I don't know, it's just a question! It tends to get in the way of my vision sometimes. Do you think I should shave it or maybe even get it checked out?"
The brothers hopped up some stairs and ran along a fence that was flipped like a bridge and packed with hormonal caterpillars. Lava shot up from under it.
Ten minutes later, when they had crossed successfully, Luigi laughed at Mario's inquiry.
"What?!" Mario piped up, self-consciously.
"You don't need to get your mustache checked out, it's fine! Bushy, yes, but fine nonetheless." He rubbed his own pencil-thin mustache.
"Well, okay, let's just get up to Bowser so we can rescue--I mean, relax later on with a forty-pack," Mario relented, giving a quick grin.
"You said it, bro, now let's go!"
They ran, jumped and killed some more enemies before finally, they were there: outside the humongous, brass door that contained their nightmare. Mario gave a nervous sigh and began messing with his sweaty hair.
"Does this look good?" He finally asked.
"Bowser doesn't care how your mustache or hair looks! He just cares that you're dead...and anyway, why are you turning all feminine on me all of a sudden?"
"I am not!" Mario retorted, "Now, let's just go!"
"Now, wait a minute," Luigi said, grabbing him by his shoulder, "What's your rush? Usually when ywe're going in to fight Bowser, you do yoga to relax. And then you're always cowering in the corner and I have to slap--"
"Well, you're one to talk!" Mario interrupted, "Last night you were crying and rolling around in your sleep, mumbling in Spanish about this moment! Not everyone can have a perfect, pencil-thin mustache, Luigi, so stop acting like you're the best, okay?!
"'Perfect mustache'?" Luigi spoke up, softly.
"Yeah, you probably think it's the greatest but if it was, don't you think you'd have a girl by now?!" He exclaimed.
Luigi looked hurt, "You know how I feel about the subject of girls; and you don't have one, either, so don't try to downgrade me, Mario!"
"Well, at least yours isn't big and hideous-looking like mine is!"
"I never SAID yours is hideous!" Luigi exclaimed.
"You don't have to say it, Luigi, you know it's true..."
"Why are you acting like such an emotional wreck right now?!" His brother demanded of him.
"Estoy celoso, esta bien, me lo dijo!" Mario admitted, "Yo estoy celoso de tu maldito dios mio, bigote perfectamente fina."
"Pero--por que?" Luigi asked in astonishment.
"Porque no es espesa y no bloquea su vision. La gente no te miran raro; y Luigi, siempre me siento como si piensas que eres mejor que yo, lo duele," he confided, "So just take your mustache and go to hell!"
Luigi started toward him defensively, "Oh, you little--"
Before his fist was able to connect with Mario's face, an enormous roar came from behind the door, reminding them...
"We can beat each other up later, Luigi, but now we really gotta fight this beast."
"You're right, let's prepare."
After two hours of yoga, stretches, extensive exercises, role playing to practice followed by a few rounds of Black Jack, Mario decided he was ready.
"Put away the tea set and steroids, Luigi, we're not cheating this time."
With that, they precariously stepped inside.
"Got the stun gun ready, Mario?"
"Yep, how 'bout that stick?"
"Got it," Luigi answered.
Bowser was at his largest: twenty feet tall. He snarled when he saw them.
"Mario and Luigi...how great to see you two again. And yes, I've gotten far much bigger, thank you for noticing. Oh, and you brought a stun gun and a stick, how wonderful! Unfortunately it's gonna take more than those and a couple of fists to bring me down! So bring it, shrimpcakes!"
Luigi held up the stick for him to see.
"You want it, boy?" he coaxed, "You want the stick you want the stick?!"
"Hey, stop that!" Bowser shouted, "Yes, I want the stick, gimme gimme gimme! I mean, no no, stop trying to fool me! You two are so dead!" He started toward them in a rage.
"...Then go get it," Luigi ordered, throwing the stick into the lava.
"Mwa ha ha ha!" Bowser menacingly laughed, "Guess who's dead now; that stick is when I get it!" He leaped down below. Mario threw the stun gun in after him.
"So long, sucker, you lose!"
The brothers laughed and slapped palms.
"We did it! We beat him, we beat the game! The world is ours, we can do anything!"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl emerged. Luigi furrowed his brows while Mario stared down almost guiltily.
"Mario!" The girl exclaimed, running to him and wrapping him in a hug. "You saved me! You're my hero!" She leaned up to kiss him.
"Who are you?" Luigi asked, interrupting their reunion.
The girl's expression twisted into horror. "You never told him?!"
All eyes landed on Mario.
"Told me what?" Luigi pressed. He was acknowledged with silence. "Mario, who IS she?"
Finally, he spoke, "Luigi, I was gonna tell you, but--I don't know, this is Peach. And she is my--girlfriend."
His jaw dropped open as he gasped. "'Girlfriend'? You have a girlfriend and you never told me?!"
"Luigi--" He started.
"No, don't even bother, that's what they all say: 'I was gonna tell you,' but no, you never did! I bet there's no thousand dollar winning prize, either, is there? Tell me, Mario, have you lied to me this whole time?!"
Mario looked down, ashamed. "Yes. But we've come so far as brothers and partners that I didn't wanna break it to you."
Luigi looked as though he was going to be sick. He then widened his eyes. "Is SHE the reason we were doing this all in the first place? Not for some prize, but for her?!"
Peach exchanged an apprehensive glance with Mario. She had moved reasonably close to him as Luigi's voice had risen and fallen.
Luigi let out a horrified gasp. "It is, isn't it?"
"Luigi, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. On this whole world I've been feeling really ashamed about--"
"No, Mario, just no! You're my brother. I thought brothers stuck together. And now that you've 'saved' her or whatever, you guys are gonna go off without me and elope. Am I right?"
No one said anything. His eyes bulged maniacally.
"Por que?!" Luigi dramatically shouted and, with that, plunged downward into the lava. He didn't know it had been his last life.