Let Me Out
Fear of Having Feelings
Dear Diary,
I tried to talk to him again. It didn't go so well. No matter what I do, the courage won't come and help me actually do it. For almost two years, I've wanted to tell him. Even though he's taken, I want to tell him! I'll never get a chance to, after high school, because of him wanting to move out of state. What am I supposed to do?!
If things go well, Patty might help me next time. She's good friends with his girlfriend, who knows I like him and seems cool with that, so maybe she can arrange a hang out for us all to do.
Keeping my fingers crossed!
~Amanda
Amanda...having a boyfriend...would never happen. When in a million years would her cage allow such a wide door for her? She wouldn't even make it so that Amanda could take medicine. Instead, she'd flush it down the toilet.
It was heartbreaking, knowing that her chances were so slim.
She'd see him come through the halls and want to tell him so much. But, when she'd say hello..that was as far as it went. They weren't really friends, despite how many hellos had been exchanged, so he didn't make any effort either to sit down and talk.
His name was Derek, someone she had met her freshman year. He was just one of those people that blended in with his friends, but stuck out to her, and managed to catch her eye. This however spelled disaster for her. His girlfriend was his life, as she had been since his sixth grade year, and he never showed even the slightest interest in leaving her.
Amanda knew this, which just made things harder for her.
Patty would always encourage her to try, hoping that maybe she could find a nook to at least hold in inside of within his life.
Derek and his girlfriend were what you might call swingers, which meant that they both had relations with others (usually couples). This was the main reason why Patty tried to push Amanda so hard to an attempt at talking to Derek.
But, no matter what, Amanda couldn't do it. She didn't mind it so much, the idea of being in a same bed or car with Derek and his girlfriend. His girlfriend was rather attractive and high school is an experimental stage for many teenagers. However, to Amanda, it just didn't feel right either. She wanted HIM, not him and his girlfriend.
"Amanda, hurry up, you'll be late for school!" her mother called up. Amanda had been in a daze, for most of the morning, and was now running late in her routine.
She sped through her daily routine of dressing and putting her face on. For the day, which was a Friday, she put on a purple skirt and a yellow tank top. Her leggings were yellow fishnets with a bow that hung half way down her calf from the knee. Her shoes were purple and black Converse. Her hair was just put up in a braid, looped into a bun, and tied in place. She decided to wait until she got to school, to eat, as she wanted to have time to put on her makeup.
The base of her makeup was a few shades lighter than her natural skin tone, giving her a rather pale look. Her eyeliner went on black and smooth, after a layer of purple and gray eye shadow was lightly brushed on.
For her mother, this was just a phase that her daughter was going through. But for Amanda, this was a cry for freedom that she seldom ever received...especially from herself.
Heads turned when she got on the bus, but she was always focused on the music blaring from her ear buds. It varied from My Chemical Romance, Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, Avril Lavigne, and a few other artists. For the most part, it just depended on her mood.
Once her foot first stepped onto school grounds, her day had begun.
"Another day in hell" she muttered, walking towards the entrance to the school.
She didn't hate school but there were many in school that she DID hate.
"Hey Patty, you found the kitchen yet? I think they're short one on the grill!" someone hollered, following behind Patty.
The two of them shook their heads at each other, followed by Amanda putting an arm around her waist and walking away.
"Dykes..." he muttered, walking away.
Yes, the two girls were together. This didn't change how Amanda felt about Derek, which Patty didn't mind one little bit. To her, it was just a challenge for fun and to also push herself to make Amanda as happy as possible.
"You have to love high school." Patty said, smiling at Amanda.
I tried to talk to him again. It didn't go so well. No matter what I do, the courage won't come and help me actually do it. For almost two years, I've wanted to tell him. Even though he's taken, I want to tell him! I'll never get a chance to, after high school, because of him wanting to move out of state. What am I supposed to do?!
If things go well, Patty might help me next time. She's good friends with his girlfriend, who knows I like him and seems cool with that, so maybe she can arrange a hang out for us all to do.
Keeping my fingers crossed!
~Amanda
Amanda...having a boyfriend...would never happen. When in a million years would her cage allow such a wide door for her? She wouldn't even make it so that Amanda could take medicine. Instead, she'd flush it down the toilet.
It was heartbreaking, knowing that her chances were so slim.
She'd see him come through the halls and want to tell him so much. But, when she'd say hello..that was as far as it went. They weren't really friends, despite how many hellos had been exchanged, so he didn't make any effort either to sit down and talk.
His name was Derek, someone she had met her freshman year. He was just one of those people that blended in with his friends, but stuck out to her, and managed to catch her eye. This however spelled disaster for her. His girlfriend was his life, as she had been since his sixth grade year, and he never showed even the slightest interest in leaving her.
Amanda knew this, which just made things harder for her.
Patty would always encourage her to try, hoping that maybe she could find a nook to at least hold in inside of within his life.
Derek and his girlfriend were what you might call swingers, which meant that they both had relations with others (usually couples). This was the main reason why Patty tried to push Amanda so hard to an attempt at talking to Derek.
But, no matter what, Amanda couldn't do it. She didn't mind it so much, the idea of being in a same bed or car with Derek and his girlfriend. His girlfriend was rather attractive and high school is an experimental stage for many teenagers. However, to Amanda, it just didn't feel right either. She wanted HIM, not him and his girlfriend.
"Amanda, hurry up, you'll be late for school!" her mother called up. Amanda had been in a daze, for most of the morning, and was now running late in her routine.
She sped through her daily routine of dressing and putting her face on. For the day, which was a Friday, she put on a purple skirt and a yellow tank top. Her leggings were yellow fishnets with a bow that hung half way down her calf from the knee. Her shoes were purple and black Converse. Her hair was just put up in a braid, looped into a bun, and tied in place. She decided to wait until she got to school, to eat, as she wanted to have time to put on her makeup.
The base of her makeup was a few shades lighter than her natural skin tone, giving her a rather pale look. Her eyeliner went on black and smooth, after a layer of purple and gray eye shadow was lightly brushed on.
For her mother, this was just a phase that her daughter was going through. But for Amanda, this was a cry for freedom that she seldom ever received...especially from herself.
Heads turned when she got on the bus, but she was always focused on the music blaring from her ear buds. It varied from My Chemical Romance, Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, Avril Lavigne, and a few other artists. For the most part, it just depended on her mood.
Once her foot first stepped onto school grounds, her day had begun.
"Another day in hell" she muttered, walking towards the entrance to the school.
She didn't hate school but there were many in school that she DID hate.
"Hey Patty, you found the kitchen yet? I think they're short one on the grill!" someone hollered, following behind Patty.
The two of them shook their heads at each other, followed by Amanda putting an arm around her waist and walking away.
"Dykes..." he muttered, walking away.
Yes, the two girls were together. This didn't change how Amanda felt about Derek, which Patty didn't mind one little bit. To her, it was just a challenge for fun and to also push herself to make Amanda as happy as possible.
"You have to love high school." Patty said, smiling at Amanda.
♠ ♠ ♠
Some of the chapters will vary in 1st vs 3rd person.I know, it gets annoying.
But you'll learn why I am going to do it this way..