After Life

It didn’t hurt when I died. Truthfully I hadn’t even realized that I’d died.

One minute I was a shabby broken man fighting next to my godson, and the next I was opening my eyes only to squint them shut again. I was outside laying on the ground. There was a breeze that felt really nice, and I didn’t feel old and shabby anymore, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

I stood up and pushed my fingers through my hair before I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in my reflection on the lake and I knew then where I was. I was back at Hogwarts, I didn’t know how I’d gotten here, or why I looked 21 again but I’d thought maybe I was dreaming and I was about to wake up. Surely this wasn’t real. One of the death eaters had probably stunned me and I was just unconscious. This wasn’t real.

Then she came into my view.

I saw Marlene running in my direction followed by Lily and James, both girls had those stupid flower crowns on like they were always wearing while we were in school. And they looked happy. They all looked amazing and it made me want to cry. It’d been so long since I’d seen them happy, hell it’d been so long since I’d seen them in general that if this was a dream I suddenly didn’t want to wake up. Lily and James stopped when they saw me, and I saw the shock on Marlene’s face. Like she was stunned that I was there, and she slowly made her way to me.

“Marly.” Her name escaped me, but it was hoarse, I wasn’t even sure she’d heard me. I wasn’t even sure I’d really said anything actually. God I’d missed her so much. But if this was just a dream then I knew I couldn’t touch her, I couldn’t hold her, and I’d have to tell her goodbye again. I’d have to tell them all goodbye again.

“Sirius.” Her voice was just as soft and loving as I remembered it. Or at least how I tried to remember it. After a while I’d forgotten what it sounded like to hear her say my name. But hearing it right now made my heart nearly leap out of my chest.

I watched her while her eyes filled up with tears and I wasn’t sure why she was crying. I didn’t remember doing anything, and if this was my dream I know I wouldn’t be thinking of her crying. That wasn’t what I wanted to remember.

“Love what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Oh Sirius you don’t realize do you?”

“Realize what?”

“That you’re dead.”

I was quiet for a moment before it dawned on me. Of course. It made sense that I’d be here seeing her and James and Lily if I were dead. It made sense that they’d all be here, and then I remembered. I remembered being hit by the killing curse Bellatrix had sent my way, I remembered falling through the veil, and I supposed that was how I ended up here looking like I did when I was 21 again.

“Guess you guys are stuck with me again then.” I joked before I was sighing again. “What about Harry? I was supposed to take care of him. I promised that I’d take care of him and he could come live with me when this was all over and my name was clear.”

Marlene was rolling her eyes at me and I heard her mumble about me being ridiculous even in death under her breath.

“He still has Remus. And we’re all still with him, well he doesn’t even remember me so I guess he couldn’t know that I’m still watching him but those two have been. They never shut up about him actually. He’ll be okay Sirius.” And that was when I felt it, I felt her hand against my cheek.

I leaned my head in some and kissed her palm feeling my own eyes well up with tears.

“I’ve missed you so much Marls.”

“I know.” She whispered.

I pulled her into me. I needed to hold her again. I needed her. I needed to feel her in my arms and know that she wasn’t going anywhere. That she was really here, I was really here. Whatever. I needed to feel close to her again. Because oh how I had missed her, I’d never stopped missing her. My heart had literally not stopped hurting until now.

I wondered why I looked so young when I’d died so much older, but I didn’t ask questions because well truthfully I doubted anyone would really know the answer. Maybe it was because I’d felt like I’d died when I was 21. When everyone I cared for other than Remus was ripped away from me I was only 21 and maybe that counted as my soul dying but not me actually dying since that had only happened moments ago apparently. But really it didn’t matter. I was dead. I had my happiness. Sure I’d been happy to see Harry alive and well. I’d been happy to be able to be a part of his life and I’d been happy when I was able to regain Remus as a friend. There were a lot of things that’d happened in the last few years that had brought me slight happiness and I hated that I had to give them up. I hated that Harry had lost yet another father figure in his life. I hated that he never got a proper goodbye from me I hated a lot of things about being here. But truthfully the good outweighed the bad for me in that moment because I felt content. I felt like this was how I would’ve felt if Marlene hadn’t been ripped away from me so young. And it felt so nice.

“Let’s go Sirius.”

Her voice pulled me from my thoughts of how happy I was to be with her again.

“Go where?”

“To see everyone else of course. I can’t be the only person you missed after all. As flattering as it would be to know that I was the only person you’d missed I know you’ve missed everyone else too. Plus James might get jealous if I hog you.”

And with that I let her take my hand and pull me to everyone else, to where I belong. And I don’t think I could’ve been happier.