Forgetting You, But Not the Time

The dawning of May 13th soon approached and I was left with that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost as if I was sure this day was going to be my worst birthday. And yet I should've been excited for it; I was turning eighteen. Eighteen was the year when I was allowed to call 1-800 numbers. Very exciting, right? But it wasn't. I was turning a year older, but I didn't feel any different. I felt just as miserable as I did the day before, and gaining a year in age wasn't making any difference.

The picture on my nightstand that I woke up to seemed to be haunting me. Wherever I turned, there it was. The painful reminder of what I used to have, but could never get back. I truly felt alone in the world. Maybe I was. Without him to guide me, I had no purpose. At least no purpose there worth mentioning. The walls I had created on New Years had fully collapsed, and I welcomed in the world with open arms, but nothing came to my rescue. Nothing was there to help me; nothing was there to save me.

And as I looked at that single photograph, I realized just how much I lost. I lost my happiness, I lost my confidence, I lost my positivity on the future, and I lost the love of my life. So what was I supposed to do?

"Spencer...?" there was a soft knock on my door, and I acknowledged it with a hmm?, but didn't bother moving from my position beneath my warm covers. I heard the door slowly creak open, revealing the person who had originally been calling my name. "Spencer, it's time to get up." Get up... I surely didn't want to. "Your father and I have a surprise for you." With that, my door came to a close once again and I was left with debating whether or not to retire from my bedroom. I didn't have much more to lose anyways if I simply got up.

So I did. I gracefully stood from my bed and made my way down the stairs. I didn't bother checking my appearance; I had no one to look decent for. The bottom floor was quiet, and at first I was wondering if hearing Reese's voice was just my imagination. Carefully, I made my way into the kitchen and pushed the door open, jumping backwards at the sight before me.

"SURPRISE!" Screamed the inhabitants inside. I blinked, clutching a hand to my chest, hoping my heart wouldn't spring out through my chest. There stood Carly, Mike, Tre, John, Chase, Ryan, Tammy, Kris, Bobby and Paige, all with bright smiles on their faces that could only have been rehearsed to look as believable as they did. He wasn't there. He wasn't there. I really wanted to go back to bed.

But instead of coming off as a crabby birthday girl, I walked further into the room, glancing at all the decorations they took the time to place upon the walls, cabinets and tables; balloons floating upon the ceiling with party hats and small streamers. I placed my hands on the edge of the island, finally taking my first look at the beautiful cake that was facing me, reading in elegant red script, "Happy 18th Birthday, Spencer! We love you!" atop white icing. Flowers and swirls surrounded the text with lace edges in red icing along the sides.

I looked up, a trace of a smile partially evident on my lips. "What is this?"

Carly seemed overly excited to be the first to talk, and answered my dazed inquiry before anyone else could so much as open their mouths to respond. "Well, we wanted to wish you a happy birthday; a happy eighteenth birthday. We couldn't find much," she gestured towards the massive amounts of decorations, and I knew she must have been sarcastic. "But we decided to throw you a little surprise party for the occasion. So," she flung her arms around with a wary smile, her eyes not holding their sparkle that they used to. I could only imagine why. "What d'you think?"

Everyone else smiled along with her, and even if they were all upset on some level, they still seemed a bit happier that it was my birthday. And since everyone was putting what had taken place behind them, I figured it was only best if I tried to as well. I broke into a smile, looking at each and every person in the room (along with Reese and my father who were off to the side), silently thanking them for taking the time to do such a thing.

"I love it," I admitted truthfully. I would have been lying if I said I didn't appreciate everything they had done for me. The grins that quickly appeared on their faces caused my heart flutter; they were my best friends, and I knew they'd stay with me until the very end. No matter what may happen along the way.

Their gifts were amazing. The day had been amazing. All the while, I kept glancing at the front door, wishing Billie would slam it open and shout, "Gotcha!" with that irresistible, slightly goofy smile. But he never did. Every now and then, I would find myself thinking that none of this was really happening. I would place the thought of Billie merely being late in my mind, and for a while, I would actually believe it. Everyone was worried about me; I figured as much. I knew I wasn't myself, no matter how well I had mastered the façade of actually enjoying life.

Denial—that beautiful little word that most would say I was going through. There were moments where I would find myself picking up the phone, preparing to call Billie to ask where he was, but then having the memories of the accident come flooding back to me and the reality of the situation causing me to drop the phone back in its place. It wasn't healthy, Reese had told me the day before. Ha, did she really think I cared about my health at the moment? I was skinny enough; I could worry about eating my fruits and vegetables later. Sarcasm—you gotta love it.

I went through an unnatural pattern; trying to find someone to blame for tearing my life apart. First there was Carly—always cooing over mine and Billie's relationship and continually commenting on how we'd always be together. Damn, how wrong she was. She had implanted the thought of forever in my mind, and now that it was no longer an option, I hated her for it.

Then there was Mike—best friend to the male I had fallen in love with; always cheering Billie on and telling him exactly what to do when he was lost. It was his fault Billie had done so much for me in the first place. If Mike hadn't of done any of that, I wouldn't be missing Billie as much, and therefore wouldn't be nearly pulling my hair out at night while staring at that goddamn picture on my nightstand.

Thirdly, there was my father—had been and claimed he always would approve of Billie and I. Maybe if he had held me back every once in a while, I wouldn't have gotten so close to Billie, and probably wouldn't even be in this predicament right now. Damn him.

And finally, there was Billie himself—if he hadn't of been so fucking perfect; the flawless looks, the beautiful eyes, the breathtaking kisses, the sweet nothings he would murmur in my ear at the most casual of times. If I hadn't of fallen in love with him, none of this would've happened.

Love just wasn't real—I came to that conclusion rather recently. I didn't believe it before, and now I don't believe it again. It wasn't possible to love someone; something always went wrong. Once you have something amazing, it has to be taken away from you. It was funny how things like that worked. It was also funny how my happiness level could go from exceeding to below average at the mention of just three simple words.

"Who are you?" I could remember hearing those words. I could remember feeling my heart actually begin to ache. I could remember running out of the hospital room, hardly giving him any more time to look at me. I could remember Mike chasing after me. I had fallen to the ground outside on the wet concrete from the rain, nearly suffocating with my head pounding and chest sore. He had held me against him as tight as he possibly could as tears fell uncontrollably from my raw, bloodshot hazel eyes. I coughed, I coughed, I sobbed and I choked. I felt as though my throat was bleeding from the high-pitched screams. My fists had continually pounded into the concrete, creating bruises and drawing blood.

I could feel nothing but pain; almost as if I had been the one who had gotten into the car accident instead. My chest felt as though it was being pressed against, nearly taking the oxygen from me as I experienced the true feeling of heartbreak. I could remember digging my nails into Mike's back, causing him to tense on occasions with how deep and rough I would press my nails against his skin from the material of the shirt. I had left permanent marks, I know I did. And if he hadn't of been crying from the news, he would've been crying because of my sharp nails and slender fingers prodding into his skin.

We were out there for one hour and forty-seven minutes; it was a given fact. For over half of that, I had been rather noisy, alerting everyone who entered and exited the hospital, a few actually thinking I had been injured and tried leading us inside while others gave us disapproving looks for disturbing the peace. Goddamnit, they were at a hospital! Fuck them if they looked. Fuck them for being cold-hearted bastards. And yet, at the time, I still didn't seem to mind.

Looking back on it, Mike had been there for me while no one else was. Everyone else was either too preoccupied in learning more about Billie's condition and talking with him or too afraid to come near me with the tantrum I was throwing. Tre, however, came to my rescue once the hour and a half had passed by. I was removed from Mike's arms and had been placed into Tre's embrace while Mike walked solemnly back inside. Tre did no better at comforting me than Mike had. It was a difficult task at which no one succeeded. I was a lost case; a basket case. And I'd have to say it would've been rather pathetic from an outsider's point of view.

And as the days passed by, my condition only got worse. For a while there, I excluded myself to only my room, not allowing anyone to come in, despite everyone's desperate attempts at knocking on the door multiple times, begging me to come out or to let them in. I wouldn't let anyone in, no matter who they were or what they wanted. I was exceptionally surprised when Chase had come. Just like everyone else, I ignored his pleas, but listened closely to what he had to say, which somehow saved me from my hibernation. How it was him who came to see me and say such things, I would never know.

There was yet another knock on the door. It had been the fifth person that day, I believe. I gripped the body pillow and pulled it closer to me, not bothering to respond to the person and instead closed my eyes, imagining the pillow as someone else entirely. The image of his beautiful face appearing across my mind caused me to smile to myself, whispering a nearly inaudible "I love you".

"Spencer?" A voice come from the other side of my door and, reluctantly, my eyes reopened. Chase? What was Chase doing—and atmy door of all places? "Spencer, please open the door." I could hear him sigh, but knew he hadn't given up. No one ever did give up on the first try. "Listen Spence," he paused and I took the time to relish in the little nickname, remembering the person who had frequently called me that, triggering that beautiful face to appear yet again.

"I know that you probably don't want to talk to me," I don't want to talk to anyone, I thought to myself, closing my eyes yet again and bringing the body pillow even closer to my chest. "But I know you're in there, I know you're awake and I know you're listening to me right now. So even though I can't see you, I'm going to talk to you, and I'm going to make you realize that you need to stop what you're doing." He seemed very confident in himself. I scoffed ever so softly. "You're not a bad person," Why he was starting out with that comment, I would never know. "This isn't your fault and you need to understand that. People make mistakes, Spencer. And Billie made a big one. He walked inside that van when he shouldn't have, I think you knew he should've have either. You can sense these things, which is one of the reasons why everyone loves you.

"I understand that you miss Billie. I understand that you were in love with him, and I understand that you're hiding yourself away because of it. But sweetie, it's not healthy. I'm sure you've gotten this lecture many times in the past few days, but it's the truth. Not only are you hurting yourself, but you're also hurting those who love you the most. They're worried about you, Spence. They want what's best for you, and it's not locking yourself up in your room. You need them, Spencer. And they need you just as much—probably not for the exact same reasons, but pretty close to it. Billie doesn't rememberanything that happened after you showed up. That day at school that he first said hello to you is a complete blank to him, along with all of the months after it. He can't remember the songs he had written, he can't remember the conflicts and flings with Kristen, but more importantly, he can't rememberyou.

"Try imagining what it was like for Mike and Carly to think up an excuse for everything that had happened and why it was suddenly 1990 for him and no longer 1989. Think about what it might've been like to tell Billie that John was no longer their drummer and that Tre was instead; a boy whom Billie assumed he had never met before. And just imagine them telling Billie that they were no longer Sweet Children and instead a band called Green Day that were signed to Lookout! Records. They've got it just as rough as you, Spencer, despite your love you had for Billie.

"I don't know how you're feeling, and I'm not going to stand here telling you that I know exactly what you're going through. Because I'm far from it and I’m not going to try to place myself in your shoes. After all, youare a girl and that'd be rather difficult," I cracked a very weak smile at that. I could hear Chase chuckling to himself, trying to lighten the mood a bit, which I could feel he slightly succeeded at doing. "Just remember one thing: Billie willalways love you, even if he doesn't remember. And there's nothing wrong with still loving him. You have friends and family who love you as well and want to see you happy. Try and show them that you're not going to let this get to you, even if it already has. Show them that you're the strong, brave Spencer Monroe that they first met nine months ago. 'Cause I think she was a pretty awesome girl."

He left it at that and I could hear his footsteps echoing down the hallway, thumping against the stairs before the door downstairs closed, indicating he was no longer in the house. Tears were staining the pillow as they flooded down my cheeks. I sniffed for the first time since he had been there and wiped the side of my cheeks. I closed my eyes yet again and pictured Billie's smiling face. "I still love you."

I had left my room that evening. Everyone seemed surprised, since our house seemed to be the ultimate get together ever since the accident.

Chase had helped me realize that, even if my world had turned upside down, I was still able to turn it right side up, even if it would still be slightly slanted once I was finished. And now, at the end of the day, despite all that I had been through and all that I had lost, I still smiled at the photograph on my nightstand, because it was a lovely reminder of what me and that green-eyed boy once had.

* * * *

"Reese, dad, can I talk to you for a minute, please?"

I sat down on the couch in our living room, turning off the TV that had been echoing throughout the house that warm afternoon. It was rather hot outside, causing us to open most of our windows in the house to let some of the wind blow into the rooms.

The two of them entered the room not a minute later; Reese drying her hands with a dish towel while my father took his reading glasses off. He had been reading the paper, stating he had missed reading it that morning. The both of them took a seat beside me, recognizing the tension as it nearly radiated off of me.

"Yes?" my father asked first, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands held firmly together. A wave of sadness and guilt rushed through me, but I chose to ignore it and shook my head to clear my mind until only one thing lingered; the thing I planned to tell them.

"I don't really know how to say this without you getting angry with me," I began, fiddling with the rings on my fingers. "But I'm just going to come out and say it. All I ask is that you please hold off all of your comments until I'm finished." I looked at the both of them and they warily nodded their heads as they promised not to utter a word. "Alright," I took a deep breath, wondering if I was really going through with this. You have to, a voice in the back of my head stated and I knew it was right. "I'm leaving."

Once the words had left my mouth, my father opened his mouth to retaliate, but I gave him a sharp look and he reluctantly closed his mouth, his eyes still wide as Reese's mouth continued hanging open rather unattractively.

"I know you think that this is a bad decision and that it's wrong to run away from everything, but I just feel like I have to—like I need to. I just... I feel like I don't belong here. I don't have anything to stay for anymore; the one person I loved here that actually loved me back doesn't even remember my name, let alone the love we shared before any of this happened. And—and even though I said I would be strong and take everything in stride, I just can't. I'm just not strong enough to stay here and walk past the boy who's unaware of the fact that he changed my life. I'm not brave enough to reintroduce myself to him and start all over. I honestly don't know how to and can't see myself trying anyways.

"I love you both, I really do. And if circumstances were different, I wouldn't be saying this right now, but they aren't. And I really want you to know that I appreciate all you've done for me; how you've supported mine and Billie's relationship, how you gave me food and shelter and gave me comfort after the... accident," I felt foolish for still being unable to simply mention the word without some form of hesitation. "But I just can't stay here. Nothing's keeping me here anyways and I just... want to start all over... without everyone else." I noticed their faces fall and that pang of guilt twisted roughly in the pit of my stomach again.

"I know that sounds horrible and I don't blame you guys for being angry with me. I love you and my friends, I really do. But all of you remind me of him in some way or another and I just can't take it anymore. I want to meet new people, visit a new state, get a job and hopefully start a new life. I really hope you can find yourself to understand and forgive me. I'm eighteen now; I can take care of myself."

I watched the two of them for a minute, waiting to hear their yells that were sure to come. But when they didn't, I started to worry. "Reese?" I looked over at her and she didn't budge at the sound of her name. "Dad?" I turned to face my father and placed my right hand over his. He looked to be in deep thought.

Another moment later, I heard my father finally speak, "Alright." The word surprised me. The way he said it with understanding surprised me, and the small smile on his face nearly caused me to fall off the couch. Noticing my shocked, dumbfounded expression, he laughed softly. "I'm not going to hold you back, darling. I've never been in your place before, but I can somewhat understand what you're going through. When your mother died, I was at a bit of a loss as well—I couldn't think clearly, I kept to myself most of the time and I wanted nothing more than to start over. But sadly, I didn't have that option."

He took my hand in his and held it tightly within his grip. "If this is what you really want to do, I'm not going to stop you. I never got the chance to start over, because I had you. Now that you've got the option of doing so, I want you to take it if it's what you desire. But always know that your step-mother and I are always going to be here and will only be a phone call away if you need us. And our door's always open if you want to come back home." He smiled softly at me and I returned it with tears in my eyes, but of a different reason than when they had been falling in the past couple of weeks.

"Thank you, daddy. I love you so much." I leaned forward to hug him and he gladly hugged me back. We sat there for a moment, just simply enjoying each other's presence, knowing that it'd be one of the last hugs we'd share for a very long time. I turned to Reese, noticing her smile at us and she nodded, indicating that she agreed with everything my father had said and I hugged her as well.

"So," my father breathed, his smile decreasing, but never leaving his faintly wrinkled face. "Where do you plan on going?"

I had actually given the destination quite a bit of thought. "Florida." I answered without missing a beat. "I love it there; it's beautiful, full of new experiences and the perfect place to start a new life."

My father nodded, approving of my location. We stood from the couch and I went upstairs to grab my duffel bag with only my most precious possessions and clothes I would need. I allowed myself to take one last look at what had been my room for the past nine months and smiled. It was rather empty, since most of my pictures and posters had been taken down and placed into my rather large duffel bag so I could always carry them with me, but it was still the same room.

I stepped outside of it and closed the door behind me, taking my own sweet time in glancing at every room on my way to the stairs, as if memorizing it's every feature so I could keep it safely with me in the back of my mind, just incase I never returned.

I walked down the stairs, taking one last look in the kitchen as well before stopping in the living room where Reese and my father stood, holding each other with sad smiles on their faces. When a thought occurred to me, I dropped my duffel bag to the ground. I ran into the kitchen and tore off a blank sheet of paper from the notebook that Reese had been using and borrowed one of her pens. I took only a few minutes before walking back out of the kitchen and into the entry room, handing my father the piece of paper.

"Give this to them for me," I smiled slightly before picking up my duffel bag and opening the front door. I hugged the both of them close to me, allowing a few sad tears to fall down my cheeks, but not to the point of where I actually cried. "Thank you both so much. I love you with all of my heart and I'll call you everyday. If I don't call before eight o'clock, you call me."

"Okay, sweetheart," my father choked a bit on his words and I felt my heart breaking all over again. "Please be safe and I love you too. Very much."

"Yes, be safe," Reese said, kissing my cheek as my father kissed my forehead. I breathed in his peppermint scent, promising myself to never forget it. "And I love you, too." I was glad Reese and I had made amends; it was so much better than disliking her for ridiculous reasons. I stepped off the porch and turned to wave one last time before departing, trying not to look back as I walked forward and down the street.

I had changed a lot the past few months, I realized. I had made peace with my step-mother, I had made many friends and enemies, I had admitted my grief towards my mother, and I had fallen in love. Something I never thought was even possible. Ha, such irony, Spencer. Sarcasm; my second language.

To my dearest friends: Carly, Tre, Mike and Kris,

I'm sure you're wondering why in the world I'm writing you guys a letter since you're only a phone call away from me. I know you'll probably be angry when you read this. You'll be filled with sorrow, guilt and frustration... trust me, I know. I'm feeling each of those emotions right now. But I felt telling you four this way was best.

I'm leaving. I'm leaving California, hopefully never to return. I can't stand to see Billie everywhere I go, knowing that he has no clue who I am or what we used to have. And I know each of you gave me individual lectures on why it was completely pointless to run away from my fears and the changes that have been made in my life without my permission, but that's exactly what I'm doing. I can't be strong like you claim I am. I can't be brave like you want me to be, and I really hope you understand. Staying in Rodeo was like driving the staples deeper; it only hurt more as each day passed.

I love all three of you, you have changed my life in so many ways possible that I can't find a way to thank you enough. Carly, you've always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. You constantly told me I was beautiful before a date and that Billie would never get enough of me. Well, you were right. He surely couldn't, and that was all thanks to you and your amazing fashion sense and make-up skills. I honestly believe you should consider becoming a cosmetologist. You'd do fantastic. I have faith in you and Mike—I know you two will make it far, unlike Billie and I were able to. The way you look at each other, the way you talk about each other... it's love, no doubt, and I'm glad you two realize it unlike others who can't when it comes to their significant other. I have a strong feeling the two of you will get married one day, and you better send me some pretty damn fantastic pictures of you in your wedding dress!

Mike, you're just like the brother I never had. I don't know what I'd do without you when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent my feelings to. I was always able to tell you things I couldn't tell anyone else, and it was nice to feel comfortable around you. Some guys aren't able to give me that sense of comfort, but you did and I applaud you for it. You better take care of Carly for me, because she's a pretty cool chick. I'm not going to go on and on about how amazing you two are like I already did up there (since I'm sure you read it), but I will say that you two were made for each other. If I find out you broke up with her for some reason or another, be expecting an ass-kicking very soon.

Tre, you're such a sly fox. You're insane, you're a stud muffin, but more importantly, you're my best friend. I really wish I could spend the rest of my life with you by my side, cracking jokes and joining me in pulling pranks on Mike and Carly when they're making out (don't give me that face, you two... you know you do it). I want to thank you for walking up to me that day at Six Flags. Meeting you was one of the best things to ever happen to me. Keep kicking ass and taking names at playing the drums; it's what you were born to do. I expect an album out soon. Ha, look at you... being famous and all. You better call me everyday and tell me about some crazy thing you experienced. I'm sure we'll be able to be insane together.

Kris, Kris, Kris. I remember the day I first saw you. You and your yellow high heels (and I know you're giving me a look, so I can easily say I'm sticking my tongue out at you right now) with Billie attached to your hip. You were a pretty interesting couple, I'll give you that. But no matter what, I'll always love you. I'm glad I came to talk to you when you ran into the girls restroom, crying. Even though I wasn't too fond of you at the time, I couldn't stand to hear you cry. You're a pretty cool girl and I hope you find Mr. Right soon, because he'll be very lucky to have you. Just let me know if he breaks your heart and I'll break his face.

I love you four more than anything and I really hope you know that. I know you love me too and I'll never forget about you. I'll be carrying your pictures everywhere I go and I'll always tell everyone, "Hey, you see those four crazy shits right there? Yeah, they're my best friends." And there's only one thing I ask for you: it's to let Billie know somehow that I love him. You don't even have to tell him if you don't want to, but just somehow express to him that someone out there loves him. I'll always love him with all my heart, and whenever we talk, tell me how he's doing. Tell me about some insane girlfriend he's got and we can make fun of her together.

Tell Tammy, Paige, Bobby, Ryan, John and everyone else I might've talked to that I'll hopefully see them soon. Once again, I love you all very much and this isn't goodbye. You know how much I want to fucking kill the person who first said the words "good" and "bye" together in the same sentence anyways.

See you later,

Spencer Monroe
(or "stud muffin", in Tre's case)

* * * *

My feet brushed up against the graveled road as I walked forward, my hands stuffed inside my jean pockets and my hoodie draped over my head with my duffel bag slung over my shoulder. I watched my black chucks hit the ground with each step that I took, finding it quite interesting. The breeze blew softly, rustling the trees and sending uncomfortable chills up and down my spine. On any other day, I would've minded the cool weather, but today I didn't care. Because I was leaving; walking away from the days that would soon haunt me until my dying day.

"Hey," said a strangely familiar voice.

I turned to face those breathtaking green eyes, thinking this must've been some sort of illusion.

Thought I ran into you down on the street,
Then it turned out to only be a dream,

The boy grinned slightly, rubbing the back of his ear, cocking an eyebrow. "What brings you here?" He had asked me that before, nine months to that day. I didn't reply, just simply observed the boy. "I'm Billie Joe Armstrong, by the way. But you can call me Billie." I recognized the line oh-so-well.

I made a point to burn all of the photographs,
She went away and then I took a different path,

He stuffed his hands inside his pockets, a ghost of a smile present on his lips, lips that had been pressed against mine so long ago, or so it felt. "Who are you? You look so familiar, but I can't seem to place your name."

I remember the face,
But I can't recall the name,

I shook my head, a grin easing its way onto my saddened features. "I'm just another face in the crowd."

Go, go, go, go...

I made to turn around, but Billie quickly intervened, "Will I ever see you again?" The curiosity in his voice was so powerful. So strong, so secure, so full of regret; he wanted to remember... remember what he couldn't quite pinpoint...

It seems like forever ago,
The regrets are useless,
In my mind,
She's in my head,
I must confess,

"You might," I paused, a brief smile easing its way onto my lips. "Just remember not to forget."

Remember, whatever,
It seems like forever ago,

He seemed confused, but smiled nonetheless. "I won't."

I turned, my old converse's kicking the rocks in their trail, and I smiled to myself. I had a feeling our paths might cross again someday.

And in the darkest night,
If my memory serves me right,
I'll never turn back time,
Forgetting you, but not the time