Double Crossed

“Hey are you okay?” Tay asks, looking over at me. We were at a stop light on our way home. I had been half sulking, half sleeping. I look up at her smiling.

“Fine,” I say, before placing my head back against the window. I can feel her staring at me, but I don’t look up. I close my eyes and pretend to go to sleep. I hear her sigh as she places a hand on my inner thigh, rubbing lightly. She doesn’t say anything, but suddenly I hear music begin playing and I can’t help but smile. She had popped Avril Lavigne’s Let Go into the stereo, skipping to I’m With You, probably because she thought I would prefer a quiet song. And she knows that I may or may not have had a huge crush on Avril Lavigne when I was in high school. We stay quiet until Tay pulls into the driveway.

“Jen,” she whispers, poking my arm a bit. I shift, groaning a bit. “Jen, come on,” she says, unbuckling her seatbelt. I don’t move until she comes to my side, opening my door and helping me out. She winds her arms around my waist, pulling me inside. When we make it to the door I let go so she can unlock it, before stepping inside and making my way to our bedroom. I throw myself down on the bed, laying face down in the pillows. I don’t hear Tay come in, but I feel the bed dip at the bottom. Slowly she makes her way to me, straddling my waist, rubbing my shoulders gently.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks, moving the hair away from the back of my neck and placing soft kisses on it. I snuggle closer to the pillow, smiling lightly.

“Yeah,” I say, turning my head to the side to look at her. She smiles at me, leaning forward.

“You just seem a little off lately,” she said. She places a kiss on my cheek, rubbing her nose against it. “Are things getting...you know?” she asks, pulling back a bit.

“I’m fine,” I say, shifting under her so that I’m laying on my back. I place my hands on her hips, rubbing lightly. She leans forward again, placing kisses up and down my neck.

“You know I love you right?” She says. She places her hands at the hem of my shirt, pushing them up softly, running them under my shirt.

“Mmm, is that right?” I ask, I tug at her shirt, laying with the cloth in my hands.

“Yup,” she says, pushing my shirt up completely. I lift my head up just enough for her to pull it off me, before tugging hers off as well.

“I’m not sure I believe you,” I say, smiling at her.

“I guess I’ll just have to show you then,” she whispers, bringing her head down to my chest, kissing the skin. She slides her hands underneath my body, unhooking my bra and ripping it off of me. She reaches behind her, unclasping her own and throwing it to the other side of the room. She presses her lips to mine, slowly meshing them with my own. She moves to my neck, kissing lower and lower. I can feel her tongue run over the soft skin there, gasping when her teeth sink down. She continues on, making her way to my chest. Very slowly, she takes my nipple into her mouth, looking up at me as she does. I stare at her for a moment, breathing getting heavier before throwing my head back and closing my eyes. She flicks her tongue over the pink flesh, rubbing her hands up and down the sides of my torso. She moves to the other, her hands rubbing along the first one lightly.

“Tay,” I whine, wanting her to do something. She just laughs, and moves farther down my body, unbuttoning my pants and pulling them down. When they’re all the way off she moves back up, kissing me again. Her lips move gently with mine, though her hands move frantically’ touching me anywhere they can. I reach me hands down, unbuttoning her pants and tugging them, looking at her pleadingly. She laughs, pushing them off her body. I rut my hips against hers, tangling my fingers in her hair. She pushes her fingers lower until they rub over my clit, pressing on it lightly. I push my hips up, rubbing myself against her. Throwing my head back, I let out a breathy moan, muttering her name.

“P-please Tay,” I whisper, biting her shoulder. She jerks involuntarily, pushing downwards. Without breaking eye contact she lowers her face until it is eye level with my lower half. She sticks her tongue out, running it over my clit before pulling away. She repeats the action until I’m squirming, begging her to do something. She rubs smooth circles into it, holding my hips tightly.

“Tay,” I moan, threading my fingers through her hair. She sticks a single finger in my hole, feeling around until she finds that single spot inside of me that has me bucking my hips and moaning her name. I grip her hair tighter when she rubs against it again, yanking on the curls in my fingers. She moans against me, sending vibrations throughout my body.

She takes the initiative to move faster, pushing both her tongue and finger at a brisk pace. I squirm around underneath her, moving my hips in time with the thrusts of her finger. I can feel my thighs begin to tremble as heat begins to pool in the pit of my stomach.

“Tay, I’m gonna...I’m, Tay!” I moan, panting and wiggling as I come. When I’m done, she kisses her way back up my body. I flip us over and hold her arms above her head.

“Now your turn.”

~*-*~
I wake up around three in the morning, with Tay’s arm slung around my waist. I can feel sweat beginning to peak on my forehead so I push Tay away from me, rolling on my side. I close my eyes again, waiting for sleep to come back. After ten minutes of staring at my eyelids, I give up. Sighing, I stumble out of the be, careful not to wake Tay. I throw on the first sweatshirt and pair of shorts that I can find. I make my way to the door, turning to look at Tay just before I leave. She’s now laying on her stomach, her arms thrown above her head. I turn back around, quietly making my way out of the house. I slip onto the hood of my car, laying down.

It’s dark outside, though the moon is bright enough for me to see my near surroundings. I choose to stare at the stars counting everyone of them. Before, on nights like tonight, I would’ve woken Tay up. She used to like to get up with me when I felt like this, just to be with me in these random hours. She once told me to never get up by myself, that she’d always be willing to just sit with me. I don’t think she knew what she was getting herself into.

But it was nice while it lasted. We would sit out here and she would tell me stories, about anything really, just to distract me. My favorite was when she would tell me about constellations; the legends behind them. I’m not sure she actually knew what she was talking about, in fact I’m positive she made them up on at least two occasions. But it was still great, everything she said captivated me.
Sometimes I was really jealous of her. She could sleep through the whole night without once waking up, not even to use the bathroom. She could wake up feeling rested the next morning, instead of feeling like she’d been run over by an eighteen wheeler. She could talk to new people, she didn’t over think things. She never had days where she just didn’t feel like a person. She was always happy and energetic.

But most of all, she had the choice to be with me. Albeit she’s making the wrong one, but at least she has a choice. If I could leave me I would, if I weren’t constantly stuck with me I think I’d be a much happier person. Does that even make sense? Oh well.

She doesn’t second guess who she is. She takes whatever life gives her in stride; never lets anything slow her down. Oh what I’d give just to feel like that for one day. Just one day I’d like to be comfortable in my own skin.

Instead, I sit by myself on a beat up old car in the middle of the night. I lay among millions of stars and ecosystems and lives and not a single one needs me. It was nights like this that I’d never felt more alone.