Double Crossed

I wake up with a hollow ache in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure when it made a home there, but for as long as I can remember it’s been sleeping inside of me. There are times when I don’t feel it at all; those are always the best days. But most of the time I can feel it grow bigger and bigger, swallowing more and more of me.

One day I’ll disappear.

But that day is not today. So for now I slip off the hood of my car and lean back far enough to hear the joints in my back pop. I groan, walking inside on stiff legs. When I get inside Tay is scrambling around the house, moving quickly and piling things in her arms.

“Tay?” I question when she runs past me.

“I have to take a shower!” she yells, skidding to a stop when she gets to the doorway, turning to look at me, “Come shower with me.” I nod and follow her out of the room. We both strip quickly when we enter the bathroom, rushing to get under the warm water. Tay has her back to me, the water sprays on her chest. I smile and lean forward and kiss where her neck meets her shoulder. She leans her head the other way, giving me more room to kiss her. She sighs leaning back against me.

“No funny business,” She says, turning around to face me and pulling me under the water, “I almost forgot I was in a rush.”

“But I’d be an amazing distraction,” I say, smirking at her. She smiles and sticks her tongue out at me.

“Shut up,” she laughs, grabbing the shampoo bottle and handing it to me, “Shampoo me.”

“You just use me for my bathing skills,” I say, lathering the gel into her hair.

“Why do you think I asked you to move in with me?” She says, moving under the water so I can wash it out.

“And here I thought you were in love with me. Should I give the ring back?” I ask, leaning down to grab a bottle of conditioner.

“Nah think of it as payment for all the years of shampooing you’re going to have to do,” she says, squirming as I pull my fingers through her hair.

“Glad to hear you’re planning on keeping me around,” I say. The white cream begins to to wash out, making her hair softer.

“Eh, just the rest of my life or so,” She says. When she’s done she steps out of the shower, leaving me to quickly wash my own hair. By the time I get out she’s already dressed and ready to go. I have the towel wrapped around my torso, my hair dripping and sticking to my face. When Tay sees me she rushes over, gripping my face hard and kissing me quickly.

“I’ll see you tonight okay?” She says, leaning back to smile at me. I raise an eyebrow.

“Where are you going?” I ask, fingers playing with the top of her skirt. She moves a little closer to me, rubbing her thumb along my cheekbone.

“I have a second interview with Angela,” She says. As much as I hate to say it, I can feel the muscles in my stomach tighten. I shouldn’t feel like this, Tay had just met her. And it’s not like she would ever do anything like that. Ever. It still upsets me though.

But this isn’t about me. This about Tay and the fact that she’s about to get her dream job. I won’t let anything ruin that, not even me. So I smile at her, forcing the corners of my lips to lift.

“That’s great!” I say. “Do you think you’re going to get it?”

“Well...I don’t want to jinx it but...” she trails off, pulling back to look at me, “I think I have a pretty good shot at getting it.”

“I’m positive you’ll get it,” I whisper kissing her on the cheek before turning her around in my arms and pushing her out the door. “But not if you’re late!”

“Okay, okay! I’m going!” she steps out the front door and turns to look at me, “Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?”

“Like a fancy dinner?” I say, raising an eyebrow at her. She smiles, staring for a second.

“Yeah, I think we deserve a night out to ourselves.”

“Okay,” I say, smiling back, already feeling the giddy excitement form in my stomach. With that she turns and walks to her car, getting in and driving off. I watch until she turns the corner; I can’t see her anymore. I walk back over to the couch and flop down. I’m a nurse; I work for four days and then I’m off for two. Today was my second day off and I was planning on sleeping. I turn the TV on, flipping through channels until I can find a show that I can nap-watch.

Ancient Aliens.

Perfect.

As much as I hated to admit it, sometimes I got sucked into their crazy conspiracy theories. Don’t get me wrong, I completely believe in aliens, but the people in this show just made them all seem so ridiculous. Right in the middle of the one guys rant about extraterrestrial intergalactic wars, I hear my front door being unlocked. Before I can put together what’s going on, Jack and Alex come barging into my home.

“Hey Jen!” Jack says, prancing over to the family room. When he reached me he picks my feet up, sits where they were and then places them in his lap. Alex walks over slower, more normally and sits on the floor next to us.

“You know when Tay and I gave you an extra key, it wasn’t so you could just barge in whenever you want,” I say, rolling my eyes at them. It wasn’t true really, all of us knew that when I gave my best friend an extra key it was so I wouldn’t have to open the for him.

“Are you really watching Ancient Aliens?” Jack says, completely ignoring what I said. He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Hey! They have some legitimate points...” I trail off; it feels too ridiculous coming out of my mouth.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t anyone wearing that much spray tan seriously,” Jack says, laughing at himself. Alex slaps Jack’s leg, glaring at him.

“It’s not that bad,” he says.

“You just love anything that has to do with space,” Jacks replies.

“You know I was trying to take a nap,” I say, kicking Jack lightly. He stares at me like I’m crazy while Alex ignores us.

“That’s boring. Is that the only thing you were planning on doing?”

“I have a date tonight,” I say quietly, barely mumbling it out. I can feel my cheeks warming, especially at the way Jack’s face light up with excitement. He jumps up, pulling me with him. Alex sighs standing up and following as Jack drags me down the hall to my room. When we get there Jack pushes me down on the bed and then walks to my closet. I sit criss cross as Alex lays next to me.
“What exactly are we doing?” Alex asks me, shifting so he’s on his side.

“I have no idea,” Suddenly it’s like my mood has taken a fall downhill. Even though I’m with my best friends, discussing the date I have with the love of my life; I feel incredibly alone. It’s like my body is here but my mind is far away; locked up somewhere dark. No matter how hard I try to find it I can’t. I want to hide somewhere.

Alex and I stay quiet as jack rummages through my closet. When he returns he has a pile of dresses on his arm, throwing them on the bed he pulls me to stand. He picks up a dark blue dress and black one up, holding them against me.

“She should wear a dark dress right? She’s too pale, a light dress would look weird. What do you think?” Jack asks, looking between the dresses.

“Are you gay?” Alex asks, laughing. Jack turns to wink at him.

“Only for you baby. But seriously, what do you think?”

“Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis one,” he says, looking through the pile of dresses and picking up a full length black one. He shoves it towards me, “Try this one on.”

“Okay, get out so I can change,” I reply, snatching the dress from him. They both snort.

“Jen we’ve been friends since we were like seven. You’re like a sister to me. You naked does nothing for me,” Jack says. Alex nods along.

“I hate you guys,” I say. I walk to the corner by the bed and even though I know they can still see me, it makes me feel a little less exposed. I strip quickly and pull the dress on. It’s long and black with full length sleeves. It had no back, so if I did wear it I’d have to change my bra. I feel awkward; there’s too much focu on my body. It makes me want to put on sweat pants and a baggy sweatshirt. When I look up Jack and Alex are staring at me.

“Huh, looks like we won’t need to do that much to make you look hot,” Alex says.

“Thanks guys, that’s a real confidence boost,” I say and look down though they’re both still staring at me. For the next few hours Jack and Alex give me tips on what Tay will find hot and what she won’t. It makes me feel like my brain is melting; I can almost feel it dripping out of my ears. When Jack and Alex begin to bicker over if I should wear eyeshadow or not I slip out(now in jean shorts and a tee shirt) and make a run for the front yard. I pull my keys out of my pocket, get in my car and drive. They’ll probably yell at me when they realize I’m gone.

I don’t care.

I make my way to the same link I always go to; the one next to Tay’s soon-to-be work. As I drive past I see two women that look remarkably like Tay and Angela. It looks like they’re kissing. But it’s not them; it couldn’t be. I look away and drive faster. When I pull up I grab my supplies and sit on the hood of my car. I pull out a cigarette and light it, quickly taking a drag.

But I feel sick.

Because those girls looked exactly like Tay and Angela. Every detail seemed so exact. It couldn’t have been them; Tay wouldn’t do that to me or herself. She wouldn’t jeopardize her career for a relationship. Never.

But maybe.

I sit in peace and quiet as I try to digest what I saw. My phone rings a few times but when I check it it’s Alex. I ignore it. After half an hour I get another call; this one from Kellin.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jen,” He says. He sounds tired, like this call is sucking the life out of him. I guess that’s what I’m good at.

“What’s up?” I say, trying to sound casual. He sighs anyway.

“You ran away from Jack and Alex?”

“They were attacking me with make up!” I say defensively. I expect him to laugh, even if it’s just a little bit, but he stays quiet.

“They’re just worried about you,” He says.

“I wish they weren’t,” I mutter, pulling in another drag. I want to hold the smoke in my lungs so long that I suffocate. No one would need to worry about me anymore.

“I’m worried about you,” he says louder. That’s all it takes. That stupid sentence is all it takes for my eyes to begin watering and my throat to close up. I want to tell him everything; to curl up in his lap and cry on his shoulder and make him pet my hair. I want to cry to him about how Tay might be cheating on me. Which is completely ridiculous; I have no proof proof that. I don’t do any of that.

“I’m fine,” I say.

“You know repeating that sentence won’t make it true,” he says. I can almost feel the way he’s looking at me. With those stupid sympathetic eyes. It made me feel like a baby. He’d kill me if I told him I hadn’t taken my medication today.

Or at all this week.

“Shut up.”

“You should come over this week. We could have a sleepover,” he says, chuckling to himself.

“You’re dumb,” I say, laughing a little, “Would Vic like that?”

“Vic loves you and you know it,” Kellin says. Which was true; Vic had always treated me like a baby sister.

“Yeah, yeah. Everyone loves me,” I say as I take another drag.

“So you’re okay right?” He asks.

“Yes, Kelly,” I mutter.

“Okay, okay. I’ll let you go then. But make sure you call Alex, he pretty worried.” I hang up without hearing what else he has to say. I spend as long as I can out there before I climb back into my car.
I’m not excited about tonight anymore.