Double Crossed

“Jenna, Jen...” I hear Tay sing my name. She pushes my shoulder and then brushes my hair from my face. While lays her head on the pillow next to mine, she slowly kisses the back of my neck, “Jennnnnnn.” I groan at her, trying to shift away so that I can go back to sleep.

“Jenna come on, I have things to do today and I want to talk to my sexy girlfriend before I have to leave,” she says, pushing my shoulder a little rougher this time. I groan again at her, pulling the blankets over my head.

“Sexy girlfriend is not in right now,” I moan, squeezing my eyes tighter. She rips them off of my head and pulls me into her.

“Come onnnnnnn,” she stops abruptly, then sniffs my hair, “Jenna!”

“What?” I groan at her, fighting my way back to sleep. She slaps my arm and yanks me up.

“Have you been smoking again?” she asks, glaring at me. I just stare at her for a second deciding what to do. Truth or lie?

“No, no I haven’t smoked since the last time,” I mutter. She gasps a little, frowning at me.

“Don’t you dare lie to me Jenna Rachael McDougall,” she snaps, “ I can smell it on you for God’s sake!”

“You can’t smell anything on me because I haven’t been smoking!” I yell back. She just rolls her eyes at me and practically throws herself off the bed. She begins pacing, not bothering to actually look up at me.

“You know, I shouldn’t have to be your babysitter,” she says, walking back and forth in front of me.

“Well it’s not like I asked you to babysit me!” I snap, running my fingers through my hair. “Maybe I don’t want a babysitter anymore,” she stops then, turning to glare at me.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I just shrug at her. She groans and throws her hands in the air, “God dammit Jenna! I don’t have time for this anymore!”

“For what?” I ask, pulling the blankets up farther around me.

“For your stupid fucking breakdowns!” She shouts. It takes her a second to realize what she said but when she does she stops walking and her eyes go wide, “Jen, I-I didn’t mean that-”

“I actually better get going,” I say, cutting her off completely. I storm out of the bed and towards our dresser. I pull out a pair of leggings and a baggy tee shirt before searching around for my flip flops. I roughly pull my hair into bun and grab my wallet.

“What? Where?” Tay asks. She reaches over and grabs my arm, looking at me worriedly. I yank it away from, my skin crawls where she touched me.

“Anywhere. I wouldn’t want to bother you with a breakdown,” I snap, storming out of our bedroom. She follows me, yelling something about being sorry. I ignore her completely and grab my keys and my phone, making my way out to my car. When I get in and begin backing out of the driveway she yells out one last time.

“I just don’t want you to do anything crazy!” she shouts. Michael’s words run through my head. But don’t you know? You’re already crazy.

“Did no one tell you?” I yell out of my passenger window, “I am crazy!”

After that I drive for a long time. Too long. But I don’t know where to go. Part of me wants to go back home, that hopefully Tay would still be there and we could make up. But another part, the bigger part, kind of hates her right now. Not just for the breakdown comment, but everything. I’m tired of being ignored by her, I’m tired of feeling like I everything I say just pisses her off, tired of feeling like a nuisance. But I guess I am a nuisance. I probably should just go to someone’s house before I have to go to work. But I hate hanging out with them when I’m like this. Because I can see it in their eyes, all they do is pity me. They don’t understand that that’s not what I want. I don’t want them to constantly worry about me or feel sorry for me. I want them to treat like they treat the rest of their friends. But I don’t really know anyone that just gets it. Even the lake feels tainted. I drive until my phone rings. I consider ignoring it, after all it’s probably just Tay or better yet Alex doing her dirty work for her. But when I look at the call ID it’s an unknown number.

“Hello?” I question, turning the volume of the radio down.

“Hey Crazy,” I’m shocked to hear the Michael’s voice on the other side. I didn’t give him my number, right? I don’t think I did...

“Michael?” I ask.

“You bet. You don’t have to call me by my full name, you know? Call me something that reflects my personality, like Stallion,” he says before laughing into the phone. I laugh with him, because yeah okay.

“Okay Stallion. How’d you get my number?” It’s not that I mind him having my number, but I would like to find out how he got it so that I can prevent other people from getting it.

“It’s linked to your facebook. Which is not privatized by the way. Any old stalker could have gotten it, you’re lucky it was just me,” he says. I don’t even remember the last time I got on facebook so it doesn’t surprise me that I would forget I have something like that on there. “Hey can we hang out today?”

“Umm, I mean I have to work today...” I trail off because even if I went to get him right now we’d only get to hang out for a couple hours tops.

“Please Jen, you don’t understand. If I don’t find someone to hang out with Angela is going to drag me to work with her. Please, Jen, please,” he begs.

“I mean I guess I could take you to work with me...” I suggest, “Do you have any problems with sick people?”

“Nope!” he says immediately, “Where do you work?”

“A children’s hospital. Hey do you want me to pick you up now, I’m kind of already driving,” I ask, pulling into a random parking lot. After that he immediately gives me his address, we hang up so that I can type it into the gps on my phone. I have to turn around because he lives surprisingly close to my house. When I get there I barely have time to park in the driveway before he comes bounding out of the house carrying two bananas.

“Do you want one?” he asks, opening the passenger door and sitting down. He pushes one of the bananas towards me but I shake my head.

“Not in a banana kind of mood,” I say. He just shrugs.

“More for me,” he says. After a while of just sitting there he turns his body towards me, raising an eyebrow, “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” I say. I don’t look over at him, just clench my hands tighter around the steering wheel. He seems to notice because he grabs the hand closest to him and pries it from the wheel and places it in my lap.

“Hold the wheel and tighter and it’ll break. Just looking out for my safety,” he says, like it’s nothing. Maybe he was just looking out for his safety, but the way he looked at me felt like more. Like he was trying to relax me. Definitely appreciated.

“So seriously, what’s wrong with you today?” he asks, through a mouthful of banana.

“I had a fight with Tay,” I mumble, hoping he’ll drop it. He doesn’t seem fazed at all.

“About what?” he asks. I laugh and look at him, raising both of my eyebrows at him.

“I don’t even know you and you’re already diving into the personal questions?” he laughs too, taking another bite of banana.

“You’re my only friend,” he says, shrugging, “Therefore I have to squirt all of my friend juices at you. So come on, what happened?”

“If you could refrain from squirting any of your juices my way, it would be greatly appreciated,” I laugh. “I don’t know, man. We woke up, she yelled at me for smoking and told me she shouldn’t have to babysit me. So I told her I didn’t want a babysitter. Then she told me she didn’t have time for my breakdowns. So I left.”

“Wait so she’s mad at you for having breakdowns? But even people without diagnosable problems have those. And smoking, really? Like it’s even that big of a deal,” he scoffs. I know I should defend Tay, because she’s right. For me smoking is a big deal. Because I only smoke right before things get really bad, especially the last time... But I don’t. Because finally someone is on my side. It feels so good to have someone agree with me that I can’t seem to bring myself to tell him the truth.

“I know right? It’s not like it even affects her, I don’t smoke when she’s around. I would never expose her to the smoke because thats not fair. But if I want to occasionally do it by myself I don’t understand what the big deal is,” I say, pulling into my driveway and grabbing my phone. He gets out of the car and follows me to the front door.

“She sounds kind of controlling if you ask me,” he says, walking into the house behind me, then plopping himself down on my couch. I want to argue, because really she’s not controlling. Only with stuff like me taking my medication(which I haven’t done in awhile) and not putting myself in harms way. But that was normal right? You’re supposed to want to keep your loved ones safe?

“She definitely can be,” I say. He mutters something under his breath that I can’t quite make out. I’m about to ask what it was when I decide I’d rather not hear it. My phone rings and I have to fight the urge to throw it when I read the text.

Hey, you okay? Tay said you just got mad and stormed out this morning. Wanna talk? - Alex. Because of-fucking-course she would make it seem like everything this morning was my fault. Everything lately was my fault. I don’t bother replying to him. I feel guilty ignoring him, but I’m pissed and I don’t want to listen to him tell me that I overreacted.

Can I come eat lunch with you today? Wanna talk about some things - Kellin I only reply to him to tell him not to come. Mostly because Michael’s going to be with me and I’m not sure those two would hit it off.

“So what are we doing now?” Michael asks, from my couch. His legs hang off the side of the couch.

“I’m going to go get changed while you wait here. Then we’re going to leave,” I say, walking out of the room and into the bedroom. I shuffle into the closet and strip completely before walking to where all of my work clothes are hung up. I yank the shirt off the hanger and over my head and then do the same with the pants. I grab some tennis shoes and socks before heading out of my room and back towards Michael. When he sees me he whistles, grinning and winking at me.

“Well don’t you look positively ravishing in those scrubs,” he laughs. But I don’t blame him; there’s just about no way to make scrubs look hot. It is physically impossible.

“Oh shut up, Stallion,” I grumble, though I can’t help smiling a little. I like hanging out with Michael. He’s so care free and just the slightest bit wild. He makes me feel free. Which is a nice change.

“No, no. It’s true. That is possibly the sexiest cardboard box I’ve ever seen anyone wear. How do you do it?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows. I smack him with my shoe, to which he just sticks his tongue out to. Once I’m done getting ready we head back out to the car and I actually make it to work on time. For once.

“Okay, so first you need to get signed in at the front desk,” I say, pointing to said desk, “Then you can come upstairs and either follow me around or talk to some of the kids. But only if they actually want to talk to you. I don’t want to find out you’ve been harassing sick nine year olds,” I say smirking at him.

“Hey, kids love me!” he defends, though I just roll my eyes. I wave to him and make my way to the elevator; I’m working on the third floor today. While I wait for it to come I check my phone, seeing that I have four new messages.

Look Jenna, I’m sorry about what I said this morning. But I mean it about the smoking. You have to stop - Tay. I don’t bother replying to her, I’ll just see her in person tonight anyway.

Will you stop being so stubborn and call me back? I just want to know what happened - Alex. I only choose to reply to him because I feel guilty. After all he is my best friend and I do feel bad for making him worry. I’m working right now. Call you when I get off? - Jen

Well, do you want to hang out this weekend? - Kellin. I tap out a reply to Kellin quickly, telling him maybe, though I’d already decided I didn’t want to hang out. I laugh out loud when I read the last one.

Psst....You’re super gay - Stallion. I shake my head, giggling slightly as I reply. Thanks for telling me. How would I have found out if it weren’t for you? - Jenna

When Michael finally comes up he doesn’t follow me around like I expect him to. Instead he heads straight towards one of the kids rooms and begins playing a boardgame with them. Figures; he might as well be a little kid. I smile when I hear the kid, Jon, laughing hysterically at something Michael said. By the time my lunch break rolls around I’m exhausted. I love taking care of the kids and talking to them, but it’s hard to take care of a lot of them at once. We were seriously understaffed. I decide to call Alex now, just to get it over with.

“Hello?”

“Hey Lexie,” I say, hoping he won’t be too angry with me. He let’s out a sigh of relief.

“Shit Jen, do you know how much you worry me?” Alex breathes into the phone, “Now tell me what happened this morning. Why did you get so pissed at Tay?”

“It wasn’t my fault! I swear it!” I say defensively.

“Jenna chill. I’m your bestfriend; I’ll always be on your side. Just tell me what happened,” he says. After I tell him what happens he sighs and stays quiet for a moment, “You know she probably didn’t mean it like that.”

“Like what? Like she said? She’s too busy for me now Lexie. It was okay when she thought she could save me, but now that she realizes I’m just crazy it’s too much. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? We’re supposed to get married in like a month and a half,” I say. I don’t mean to get emotional but I do. I’m always emotional when it comes to Tay. Because even though she pisses me off and sometimes treats me like shit, I love her. I love her so much it hurts.

“First, Jen you’re not crazy. Not at all. And you know she doesn’t think that. She’s just stressed because of this whole job thing. Give her some leeway,” Lex says.

“Alright, I guess. Hey I gotta go. My shifts about to start again,” I say into the phone. Telling him I loved him before hanging up. That’s when I see one of the other nurses, Arya, standing next to a delivery man with flowers pointing at me. He walks over to me.

“Are you a miss Jenna McDougall?” he asks, looking at the card. I nod and he hands the flowers off to me. Peach roses. My favorite. I grab the card from the side to see who it’s from.

I’m really sorry, baby. I didn’t mean it, I swear. I fucking love you so much, okay? I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry. Love you always -Tay

I can’t contain my smile as I walk to my cart and place the flowers on the top. The rest of the day passes in a blur. It doesn’t matter how angry I was with Tay this morning, now I’m just anxious to go home and be with her. On the way home, Michael and I sing as loudly as we can to some pop song.

I’m sorry if I say I need you. But I don’t care I’m not scared of love. Cause when I’m not with you I’m weaker. Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong that you make me strong?

I drop him off at his house before basically speeding to my house. I’m surprised to find two cars in my driveway. One looks suspiciously like Angela’s...

“Wow, you look beautiful like that,” I hear as soon as I walk in the door. I peek around the corner just in time to see Angela brush some of Tay’s hair behind her ear. I watch as she tilts her head just a little bit closer, too close for my liking.

“You think?” Tay asks, shyly.

“Oh definitely,” Angela replies and right before she can move any closer to my Tay I walk into the room loudly.

“Honey, I’m home!” I yell, prancing over to Tay like I’m the happiest person in the world. I walk over to where she is on the couch and place a kiss on her lips, pushing Angela back slightly. She glares at me.

“Hey Babe,” Tay smiles, and pets my hair. I smile and proceed to hide in the kitchen until I hear Angela begin to talk about how she really needs to leave. I walk around the corner and watch them as they say goodbye. They hug, holding onto each other tightly, like they’re desperate for the contact. Angela’s hands drift low on Tay’s body. When they pull back I could’ve sworn I saw Tay lean down to peck Angela on the lips. Then they walk outside; I can’t see them anymore. It’s ten minutes before Tay comes back inside. Her hair looks messier than it did before she went out there.

“Hey babe, you comin’ to bed?” she asks, when she sees me. I nod without looking up at her.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there in a minute,” I mumble. She shrugs and walks off to the bedroom. I wait until I know for sure that she’s not coming back before I open the cabinet above the fridge, retrieving one shot glass and a bottle of vodka. I take three shots before going to bed.

When I get there Tay is already laying down. I strip and climb into the bed. Immediately she grabs onto me, holding me so that I’m the little spoon while she’s the big one. The bites my neck softly before smoothing it over with a kiss.

“I love you, Jen,” she whispers. I can feel tears well in my eyes and slide down my cheeks. I don’t make a sound or let my shoulders shake. I’ve gotten good at crying.

“I love you too Tay, so, so much,” I whisper, but she’s already asleep.

Sleeping in her arms used to make me feel warm and safe. But now I just feel numb; empty. Probably because I’m in a crumbling relationship. Probably because the love of my life is slipping away.

And it seems like I’m the only one that cares.