Double Crossed

“You know I love you,” Tay whispers when I wake up the next morning. She caresses my cheek gently and just stares at me. It’s not a question; she’s so sure of herself and that only makes me think of all the reasons we’re different. Because if someone were to say that to her, she wouldn’t doubt it. She doesn’t question that I love her or why I love her or if I still love her. And she expects me to be the same. She doesn’t understand that I don’t know that she loves me.

“Do I?” I whisper, looking at the ceiling. She sighs before climbing on top of me. With both her hands on either sides of my face she holds me still. She wiggles her hips until she lies comfortably on top of me.

“Listen to me,” she starts, whispering it like it’s our secret, “I will love you until the stars fade from our sky. I will love you until our sun burns out and all we have left is darkness, I will love you until music no longer rings in your ears and you can’t even remember my name. I will love you when you watch that stupid alien show and when you read fancy books. I will love you when you’re insecure and when you’re confident. I will love you when you’re a wreck and I will love you at your best. I will love you when we’re both in caskets and the only way people will ever know we were together is by the title on our tombstones. I will love you on the day you take my last name as your own and I will love you when we have children and I will love you when we’re gray and your face is wrinkled. I will love you when you get homesick and when you spend days without leaving our bed and when you think that you’re so far gone that no one can reach. But I will always be there, I will always pull you out and I will always love you,” she leans down and kisses me slow, her mouth moving lazily against mine.

“I will love you everyday for the rest of our lives, even if you don’t know it,” she whispers when she pulls back. I don’t know what to say and I’m afraid f she keeps looking at me like that I’ll start crying. So I tangle my fingers in her hair and pull her down to me. This kiss is faster, needier. Which I mean, I am needy. I haven’t felt like I’ve had her in so long and I just want to pull as much out of this moment as I possibly can. I want to memorize the way her tongue tastes on mine and the way her mouth feels against my face and they way her hands still clutch at my face and the way he legs squeeze tighter around my waist. I want this to be an infinity that I can absorb and keep locked in my brain so I can repeat it again and again. I want to master the curves of her body and retain the way she smells like pineapple juice and coconut skin.

“Please Tay,” I very nearly whimper, “Miss you so much.”

“Don’t need to miss me,” she whispers, “Always here,” her kisses moves soft and slow to my jaw, sliding down my neck and to my chest. I feel hot wherever she touches me, like she’s fire and I’m ice and she’s burning every spot she touches. My sin scorches and my heart thumps but I just want moremoremore. I will always want more.

She reaches underneath me and expertly unhooks my bra, pulling it off of me. Then she moves her head lower taking one of my nipples in her mouth, flicking her tongue over it gently. I rub my hands up and down her back; I just want to touch her, to feel her. Her hands move to my hips, gripping tight, while her mouth moves to my other nipple. I moan and push the pads of my fingers harder into her back. When she finishes there she continues moving down my body, kissing a line down my stomach and finally reaching my hips where she gently, slowly, removes my panties.

“Tay,” I half whisper, half moan. She looks up at me and smiles, flashing her teeth.

“I love you,” is all she says before dipping her head down. I can feel her tongue, hot against my clit. My hands reach down, fingers tangling tightly in her hair. She holds my thighs apart, gripping them so tight I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a bruise there tomorrow. But that’s okay; I don’t mind the marks she leaves on me, not if they’re a product of this. Of loving.

“I love you so much,” I say, pulling more tightly on her hair, “So, so, much.”

“I know baby,” she whispers back, lifting her head for a second before moving back down. He right hand releases my thigh and makes it’s way closer to my sex. Two fingers slip into me, Tay moves her other hand up to my hip, holding me down so I don’t move. She works them in and out of me; slow at first, until she reaches a certain spot. I moan her name loudly when her fingers press against it and then she’s moving fast and my brain is melting and i just want Tay, all of Tay forever and ever. The more she moves the more I can feel heat pool in my stomach and I’m about to burst when she uses her left hand to scratch down my side. She leaves claw marks in her wake; they’re sweltering and my body is a furnace and I can’t hold on anymore and

“Oh my god, Tay,” I moan lowly, drawing out her name. She continues to lick at me until I’m done and then slowly crawls back up my body. She kisses me hard on the lips and brushes hair off of my slightly sweaty face. Then she rolls off of me, only to pull me in so that my head is laying on her chest. From here I can hear her heart beat and it’s like an anchor. My feet will stay firmly on the ground, I will never be lost forever, I will never be broken beyond repair as long as I can hear her heartbeat. Because it is my anchor. She is my anchor.

“Here’s what we’re going to do,” Tay says, running her fingers through my hair again and again, “We’re going to lay here until I have to go to work. Then, in a month and a half, we are going to get married and we’ll go on the perfect honeymoon. And someday we’ll have kids that we can boss around and we’ll grow old together and make them take care of us. Okay?” I nod my head against her and wrap my arm around her waist, “But for now just relax.”

I follow her orders and end up falling asleep against her. It’s her fault really; she tired me out and she was the one that was so warm. How could I not fall asleep? By the time I wake up she’s already gone but there’s a little note on our bedside table. Remember that I love you. Remember that I’m always here for you and remember that I need you as much as you need me. I’ll see you tonight. xx It shouldn’t make me as happy as it does, but I can’t help it. Today had been just so perfect.

I roll off the bed and stretch in front of the window before remembering that I’m completely naked and I probably shouldn’t do that here. I shrug and close the blinds, then walking into the bathroom and stepping into the shower. When I first turn the water on it’s cold, but I don’t mind. I like the way it feels on my skin. I sit down and pull my legs to me. I like to sit in the shower; maybe because I’m lazy maybe because I’m tired. Either way I like it; it feels like I’m sitting through a warm rain storm. I finish quickly though, not in the mood to dwell in there. Long showers always lead to thinking too much. I dress in leggings in a sports bra; fuck shirts. It’s not like I’m expecting anyone anyways. I make myself a sandwich in the kitchen, listening to music as I do so. Right when I get the the chorus of Katy Perry’s Wide Awake there’s a loud bang on my front door.

As soon as I pull the door open Michael storms his way in. How the hell did he even get here? I look outside but there are no cars in front of my house besides my own. A loud crash sounds from inside the house. I turn around and jog back to where he is.

“Michael?” I yell out, walking quickly into the living room. He doesn’t so much ignore me, but it’s like he can’t hear me at all. Like I’m not there. His hands are clenched into tight at his sides and for a second it looks like he’s going to calm himself down.

And then all hell breaks lose.

Michael yells, loud, before grabbing the nearest item(thankfully a pillow) and throwing it across the room. He moves around quickly, before I can stop him he walks over to the bookshelf Tay and I put in the corner. He slams his hand down and pushes it across the first shelf, sending all of the books flying to the floor. He keeps yelling, but he’s talking so quickly that I can’t understand him.

“Michael!” I shout over him, but still he ignores me, “Michael what’s wrong?” Before I realize what I’m doing, I stand in front of Michael, now at the wall pushing a picture down. “Michael you have to talk to me,” I say. His face is red, but even so I can see the bags under his eyes. He looks like he hasn’t slept in months. Maybe he hasn’t.

“When was the last time you slept?” I shout, I reach for him, placing my hand on his shoulder. He pushes me off quickly, but because he’s so angry it comes out with more force than needed. I fall back, landing on my butt.

“I don’t need sleep! I don’t need anything!” he shouts, moving across the room again. I stand up and turn towards him, “Not stupid pills! Not a stupid girlfriend! Not stupid friends! Not a stupid sister! I don’t need anything!” he speaks quickly, still moving around. I stand in the middle of the room, watching him.

“Michael, you can calm down. Can you just breathe? We can talk about it. Everything will be okay,” I say, but I know as soon as it comes out it’s the wrong thing to say.

“It will not be okay!” he shouts and slams on a small table in the hall, causing a vase to fall and shatter to the floor. “It’s not okay!” but this time it sounds weaker, not so angry.

“Nothing is okay,” he slides down the wall and pulls his legs up. I walk over to him and sit on the floor. I open my arms and and pull him into me. He resists at first but eventually sags, relaxing in my arms. I run my fingers through his hair and it’s not till I feel his tears soak through my shirt that I realize he’s crying.

“Michael, what happened?” I ask quietly. He shutters in my arms.

“Hannah,” he says, his voice sounds different; thicker almost. I rock us back and forth, spreading my legs so he can sit in the space between them.

“Who is Hannah?” I ask.

“My, my girlfriend. My exgirlfriend,” he whimpers. I nudge him to keep going and he cries harder for a second, burying his head into the crook of my neck, “She just, we were dating for two years before I moved here. Two fucking years. And...and I knew the distance would be hard but I didn’t think...She broke up with me. She broke up with me so she could date Nick. Nick who was one of my best friends. Was. And I just, I don’t have any friends here and my sister is a fuckface and I didn’t know where to go. I have no one. Hannah was all I had and I now I just...” he explains, the words are quick and muffled into my neck.

“Oh Mikey,” I sigh, “Listen to me. I’m your friend. You have friends in Australia. This is not the end of the world, okay?” he nods but I’m not sure he believes me. I pull him back so that I can look him in the eyes, “Michael when was the last time you slept?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs and looks down, I tug his jaw up and make him look at me.

“Michael,” I say in a stern voice. I sound like a mom.

“I sleep a little everyday. A few hours here in there. I haven’t slept a full night this month,” he whispers the last part, like he’s embarrassed to tell me. I sigh and stand up, dragging him with me. I hold onto his hand and pull him towards my bedroom. Once there I push him on the bed and tug his shoes off.

“You’re going to sleep today.”

“Jen, I don’t-” he begins to protest but I give him a look that makes him shut up.

“You’re going to sleep,” I walk out of the room and grab a mug, filling it with milk before heating it up. I take it with me to the bedroom and hand it to Michael. He takes it without questions and begins to sip it when I walk out of the room again. I squat down next to the pile of books on the floor and scour through them until I find my beat up copy of The Illustrated Man. I walk back into the room and sit on the bed next to Michael, he immediately scoots closer to me. I wrap my arms around his middle and look over his shoulder at the book. It’s weird; holding someone as big as Michael. I’m so used to Tay and her tiny frame.

“Hey Jen?” I reply with a hmm, pushing him to continue, “I wish you were my sister.”

“I am now,” I reply, without a second thought. It takes an hour of me reading to him for him to finally pass out. But he sleeps hard. He snores loudly and continues to lean on me. There’s not really anything else to do, so I find myself falling asleep. I don’t wake up until I feel Tay frantically calling my name.