Trying to Remember

I don't remember much. All I remember is the summer sun hit her blonde hair perfectly while she looked at the clouds rolling by. We were laying on a blanket, her eyes on the sky, my eyes never leaving her. She was in a yellow sundress. Yellow was always my favorite color on her. It contrasted well with her blonde curls and blue eyes.

She finally caught my stare and raised an eyebrow, turning on her side and propping herself up on her elbow. "What are you staring at?"

I smiled at her and turned my body to face her as well. "My beautiful girlfriend."

"Oh, she's here? Well, I want to meet the girl that you talk about all the time," she said, trying to stifle a laugh.

I looked at her and shook my head before wrapping my arms around her, kissing her forehead. "You're weird."

"My boyfriend is weird too. You should meet him some time," she said with a playful grin, her fingers absentmindedly tracing one of my tattoos.

I sighed and sat up with a small smile. She followed suit and I pulled her in my arms. She turned her head to look at me and smiled lightly.

"I wish this moment would last forever."

I looked at her and pressed my lips to hers. We both knew that the moment could definitely not last forever. I laced my fingers with hers and sighed. "I love you, Kara."

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I sighed as the memory entered my mind. It was what I told my therapist after my accident. She wanted to know the most recent thing that I remembered and that was what I told her. I remembered being in One Direction and being famous and anything before that memory that happened about six months ago. After that, I had an really bad accident that caused me to lose a bit of my memory. The things I don't remember is where this Kara girl is. The guys don't know where she is either. We were on break during the summer when I met her and they knew I was seeing someone but knew nothing about her. The press didn't know anything about her either. I must of kept a good secret if the press didn't know.

One Direction was back on tour now and I hoped to see her at one of our shows. She was in every memory that I dreamt about. Management was willing to push the tour back, seeing that I was in a major accident six months ago but I had to go on tour because I was hoping that I would see her again. The other guys always looked at me with worry as I frantically looked around after every single show in every single city. I just wanted to hear my name called and look to see blonde curls and blue eyes.

I shook my thoughts as Liam entered from the back and sat on the couch by me.

"How are you doing today?" Liam asked me like he did every morning. I usually lied and told him I was fine but today just wasn't one of those days.

"I didn't sleep very well but when do I since the accident? My head also hurts," I told him truthfully and he got up and went to a cabinet by the sink. He pulled out an orange prescription bottle and opened it to take out a white pill. He grabbed a water from the fridge and came back to sit by me. He then handed me the contents and I for once, took them gratefully.

"That's the headache medicine you were prescribed. I suggest you actually take it this time," he smiled lightly before running a hand through his short hair. "I wish you would at least try the sleeping pills that Dr. Weiss gave you."

I scrunched up my nose at the mention of the sleeping pills. I didn't want to take any medication and only took the headache medicine because I needed to perform. "I don't want to even think about taking sleep pills. Besides I got in about three hours of sleep."

"Uninterrupted?" he asked with concern and I sighed.

"Accumulated."

Liam just looked at me for a moment before going to the fridge. "I know she meant a lot to you but your accident was news spread all over the world. Don't you think that she would have came and seen you? After you mentioned her, every security guard was given her name and the description you gave us but she never showed up."

I bit my lip. I knew he was right. He always was whether I wanted to believe it or not. "I know, Liam. It's just I have all these memories and we were rather close but you're right that she didn't come to the hospital. Maybe I need to stop moping and get on with my life."

Liam smiled at my answer and nodded before coming over to me. "Just promise me that you'll take one of those sleeping pills tonight. You need them more than anything in this world right now."

I sighed. He was right once again. "Alright, I'll take them," I said and Liam nodded, satisfied with my answer.

"Just remember to live your life, Zayn. Now, I gotta go. My sister is coming for the show. So, I'll see you later," he said and I nodded as he left the bus.

I closed my eyes with a small smile. Maybe I could forget about the girl in the yellow dress.

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I walked off stage after my best performance since the accident. I guess letting go of Kara changed things. I walked to the dressing room with the guys and had a pair of arms around my neck the minute I opened the door. I looked down to see long brunette hair that almost went to her waist and smiled. Gracie. Gracie was Liam's younger sister. Her and I had always gotten along well and I was as close to her as I was Liam. I hadn't seen her since before the accident and I knew that she wouldn't let me out of her sight for the time she was here. It was how Gracie worked and I loved that about her.

"Gracie, you have to at least let me change," I said, smiling at her with a genuine smile that I hadn't shown in the last six months.

She looked at me with her chocolate eyes and fake pouted. "Fine, but after your done, we're going out," she said with finality which made me laugh a bit.

"Okay, I'll see you in a minute," I said, dismissing myself to change.

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I changed into a gray long sleeve shirt with black skinny jeans before going to hang out with Gracie. As soon as we met up, she grabbed my hand. I didn't mime though. I liked the closeness and human contact.

Gracie and I walked out of the venue to see fans and paparazzi swarming around us. I felt her hand grip mine tighter as security led us through the crowd. I heard the faint shouts of the paparazzi as we got into the black SUV. The shouts were regarding the rumors of Gracie and I. Of course they were false but I knew that it would be blown up as an official thing tomorrow morning.

The SUV drove to a small bar about ten minutes from the venue and I sighed in relief as we entered. There were only a few people in it, most of them older men who would only have an interest in me if they had daughters.

Gracie and I sat at the bar and ordered a few shots. I downed the first one just as a sharp pain entered my head causing me to break the shot glass. Broken glass littered the bar floor as I held my head.

"Z, are you okay?" Gracie asked and I sighed deeply. I wanted to have a night out for once but I needed to take another headache pill.

"I think I need to get back to the bus," I said and she nodded before leading me back to the SUV.

We got back to the bus rather quickly and I took the headache medicine as well as a sleeping pill. I knew with Gracie here that she would have been twice as hard on me as Liam was about taking my sleeping pills. After that, I crawled into my bunk, only to be joined by Gracie a few moments after. We didn't say a word to each other as I finally drifted off into a drug induced sleep.

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I looked at her with sadness as we sat on her front porch. She was crying and I knew that I couldn't stop it. It was my fault to begin with. She was wearing the same yellow dress but her blonde hair seemed duller than usual. I knew that me being in One Direction would hurt her and decided that we would break it off at the end of the summer. It was two weeks before we had to go our separate ways but she had ventured off to read the rumors that tabloids had said about me. One of them being my supposed undying love for Gracie. Kara wouldn't take my apology or that it was just a rumor. So, she sat there crying and I tried to comfort her the best I could.

"Why don't you trust me, Kara?" I said in almost a whisper. She looked up at me with a small etch of anger on her face.

"Why? I'll tell you why. You come into my life and get really close to me and after we get really close, you decide that we can't be together past the summer. You say it's because of the press but I could handle myself and you know that. Maybe you just wanted a fling for the summer while you were away from your girlfriend and her brother!" she said, clearly frustrated.

I looked at her with a sympathetic look. I knew she could handle herself but I wouldn't wish the press exploiting their privacy on anyone. "Kara, let me explain."

"You don't deserve time to explain. You should have explained a long time ago."

I stood up and ran a hand through my hair. I didn't know that she didn't trust me. "I have explained. At least I tried. I now know that you don't listen!" I screamed and regretted it as soon as it happened. "Kara I'm-"

"Get out," she whispered almost barely audible for me to hear but I heard it.

"Kara just let me explain-"

"I said leave, Zayn. I never want to see you again! Go have fun with your life or be found dead in a ditch somewhere. I don't care what you do as long as you get the hell away from me!" she said and I stood there a moment in shock before I turned and ran to my car. I slammed the door shut once again and drove back into London.

Once, I was back into the city limits of London, I was speeding like crazy. She basically told me to drop dead. I felt my phone buzz in the other seat and looked down to fish for it. The last thing I saw was looking over the steering wheel to see headlights coming straight towards me and the glass of my windshield shattering everywhere.

I woke up hyperventilating which alarmed Gracie who jumped out of the bunk to get Liam. As soon as she left, I got out of my bunk and went to the front of the bus for sit down on the couch. That was the memory I was missing. I looked at the counter in front of me and saw the bottle of sleeping pills on the counter. I wouldn't have remembered that if it weren't for those pills. Maybe it was why my body wouldn't sleep.

I rubbed my face with my hands before seeing Liam appear beside me along with Gracie.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern and I just shrugged.

"I remember what happened. We got into a fight and I was mad. So, I was speeding through London and collided with another car. The next memory is me waking up in the hospital," I spoke this to him and he bit his lip, nodding at every word.

"You don't remember anything else?"

I looked at him questionably and shook my head. He sighed and I knew he was going to explain the accident to me.

"Well, you were hit by a drunk driver which probably was twice as bad since we know noe that you were speeding. Your car was torn to pieces and you were thrown out of it. When the ambulance got there, you were almost dead, laying in the ditch on the side of the road and they say you were dead for two minutes after they got you in the ambulance."

I paled at his words. The last thing she said to me was that she hoped I was found dead in a ditch somewhere and I was. Now I knew why I didn't see her face at concerts or anywhere and I now knew that I never would.