Paper Cranes

I couldn’t even find the energy to lift my hands to my hair and scrub the shampoo into my scalp. As I stood in the shower, my eyes focused on the water swirling toward the drain, all I could do was feel empty. My muscles refused to work, my heart was sore, my head was pounding, and my knees couldn’t help but to shake. I was afraid to go to the hospital. I was afraid to go into that hallway.

I didn’t want to see my sister in that fucking hallway.

I didn’t want to watch my little baby sister whither away.

At some point I started to sob. My body was folded in the corner of the shower as the hot water beat down on my back. My lungs felt like they were going to collapse, my heart felt like it was going to stop beating, and my throat felt like it was filling with blood.

I had never felt so pathetic before.

Had never been this weak.

“Hey, hey, Lennon, are you okay?” Tyler’s anxious voice broke through my quiet sobs and the rhythmic beat of the water spraying from the showerhead. Inhaling sharply, I quickly ran my hands over my clean arms and shook my head a little, letting the rest of my tears mix with the water that was streaming down from my hair.

Heart rate accelerating, I shakily stood up and placed my hands on the shower door. Pushing it open a little, I let out a heavy breath and nodded to myself. “I’ll be out soon.” I called out to the brunette, hoping he would accept my plea and leave me alone.

“Okay, do you want something to eat before we go?” I shut my eyes tightly and gritted my teeth.

“No.” I responded quickly, the thought of food in my stomach making me queasy. Without waiting for a response, I quickly shut the shower door and finished rinsing the shampoo from my hair. After a moment or so, I decided against the conditioner and twisted the knob to shut the shower off.

The silence of the small bathroom filled my head. I could hear the water rolling down my face. I could hear the sound of the water flowing down the drain. Every inhale and every exhale echoed in my head. I felt like I was in a vacuum. I felt alone and empty.

Despite how horrible it was. Despite how I could almost hear my blood traveling through my veins, I liked it. I liked the loneliness. I liked the emptiness.

“Lennon, I’m sorry but you’re scaring me, alright?” Tyler’s voice shattered the silence that I was losing myself in. “Do you have a towel on, are you dressed, can you just come out and eat some breakfast with me, please?” The pain in his voice tickled my brain. It forced my eyes back up to the door and let my mind imagine the brunette leaning against it on the other side, his warm eyes twisted with anger and pain, staring at the ridges in the wooden door.

My hands shook as I carefully grabbed a large beige towel and wrapped it around my thin frame. After I secured it tightly at the top, I slowly walked over to the door and listened as Tyler started rambling again, begging me to make a noise to let him know I was okay.

He fell silent as I opened the door and stood in front of him, my mop of wet hair pushed to one side, my face clean of any make-up, and my pale body wrapped in a beige towel which just helped the contrast of my skin.

“Please eat something.” His eyes didn’t leave mine as I stood in front of him. He never once took in the way the towel clung to my body or the way the fabric stopped midway down my thigh. All he did was stare into my eyes, inspect them, and plead with them, to show something other than miserable.

I couldn’t comply with his request, but after a few more pleads, I forced the smallest smile onto my lips and took a step into the bathroom.

“Toast with grape jelly?” I croaked.

Tyler’s eyes widened and a smile appeared on his face. “Consider it done.” He responded and quickly took off down the hallway, calling to Jamie that he needed to toss in some more bread into the toaster. Once he disappeared from the hallway, I quickly shut the door and placed my back against it. Shutting my eyes, I drowned out the noise coming from the kitchen and focused in on the drips of water rolling down my body. I focused on how the droplets would slide across my skin, pool in every indent and run faster over every hill.

I had no idea just how long I stood there, but it was long enough for the brunette to get worried again, because what felt like a minute after he left, a loud knock sounded on the other side of the door I was leaning against.

“I’m sorry Len, it’s been like twenty minutes are you-“ The rest of his words were drowned out by the pounding of my own heart. Adrenaline and embarrassment started to fill my stomach and within seconds of his voice quieting, I pulled the towel off of my body, slipped into my underwear and bra, slipped into the baggy sweatpants and shirt, and threw the towels back over the shower. Once I adjusted the heap of half dry hair, I opened the door and looked up at Tyler, my cheeks burning red as I took in the anxiety shimmering in his eyes.

I forced a smile at him that broke the silence.

“You like to scare people, huh?” He took me under his arm and lead me down the hallway and over to the kitchen where Jamie was leaning against the counter, a plate of toast in one hand and his cell phone in the other.

When he noticed my entrance, a large smile appeared on his face. “Toast with grape jelly, anything else?” His eyes connected to mine, and as he widened his grin, I felt myself shrink under his gaze.

Shaking my head, I carefully slipped onto the seat in front of the plate and looked down at the toast smothered in the gooey, purple spread. Inhaling deeply, I nodded a little and then slowly grabbed a piece and took a bite from the end. Feeling the presence of something in my mouth made me queasy for a moment, but the second I looked up and saw Jamie staring at me with a worried expression on his features, I started to chew.

“You’re the best.” I whispered and watched as Jamie’s lips did a complete one-eighty flip. As he stayed against the counter, smiling over at me, he quickly offered some scrambled eggs and coffee again. When I accepted the coffee and declined the eggs, Tyler pulled me into his side and pressed his lips to my temple as he started rambling on about how he always had Jamie make him food because he was illiterate in the kitchen.

I thought it was a funny way to say he couldn’t cook. Letting out a small laugh, I watched as Jamie and Tyler quickly high fived and then waved their hands in the air excitedly. “Made her laugh, we’re the best!” They sang as Tyler quickly ran around the island and started helping Jamie fix a cup of coffee, which ended up with Tyler spilling it.

It wasn’t a surprise when the brown liquid flooded the counter, but I also didn’t expect Tyler to be that bad in the kitchen. He was a hockey player after all, so I figured being able to balance things was a necessity.

“I could make a cup of coffee with a hockey stick, but god forbid I try to make one with my hands.” He huffed as he sat down next to me and watched carefully from the corner of his eye as I continued to slowly munch away on the slices of bread in front of me.

Once the cup of coffee was placed in front of me, I pulled it over to my nose, let the warmth radiating from the liquid hit my nose, and sighed a little. I wanted to smile and be happy about where I was. I wanted to be star struck and at a loss for words. I wanted to thank them hundreds of times for being so nice, for being so supportive even though they barely knew me. I wanted to just cry in front of them. Cry because this is exactly what I needed. I just needed to see that everyone in the world wasn’t so shitty, that I had people other than my sister and my parents. That someone cared about what I was dealing with and understood, understood how painful it was for me.

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I looked down into my cup of coffee. I could feel the ache in my heart as I thought about the two men surrounding me. I was so happy to have them here, to have them doing this for me, but I didn’t know how to thank them. I didn’t know how to match words up to show just how much these pieces of toast and coffee meant to me.

So I started crying.

The second my tear slid down to the tip of my chin, Tyler had my body locked in a hug, his chin resting on the top of my still damp hair. “Hey, everything’s going to be alright, Len.”

“It’s just… You… I can’t even begin to thank you guys for this.” I managed between tears as I felt Tyler’s grip tighten around me. “I know it’s just toast and coffee but I really needed this, I really needed people to act normal around me and to show they care and I just…” I let out a small sob as I buried my face into Tyler’s shoulder. “Thank you.”



The rest of the morning was a blur. I had managed to stop crying after I spent maybe ten minutes hugging the guys. After the hysterics were over, Tyler and Jamie disappeared into their place to start getting ready to head over to the hospital with me. I knew Tyler had agreed on coming with me, but I thought it was sweet that Jamie offered his company as well. I didn’t know him too well, but just the few times we had interacted he gave off that good-guy vibe.

Once they were ready, we all got into Jamie’s SUV and headed over to the hospital. Instead of having me sit in the back, Tyler gave up the passengers seat and sat behind me, sticking his arm through the gap between the seats so he could rub his hand up and down my shoulder as I looked out of the window, my heart racing at the thought of seeing her so debilitated.

The car ride was a quick one. It felt like we had reached the hospital in the blink of an eye, and honestly I didn’t have enough time to mentally prepare myself for this. I didn’t want to go see Shelby in that hallway, I didn’t want to see the nurses give me sad smiles, and I really didn’t want to see my parents.

I didn’t wan to hear their encouraging words because they knew better than me that there wasn’t as much hope to hold on to.

“Hey, I’ll drop you guys off over here, and then meet you inside, okay?”

“That’s great, thanks man.” Tyler answered as Jamie pulled over to the curb and hit the button for his four-ways as I slowly unfolded my limbs, unbuckled my seatbelt and then slipped out of the car.

Once Tyler and I were on the sidewalk in front of the large building, I felt my chest start to tighten and my stomach to grow sick. I didn’t want to go, I never wanted to go. I just wanted to get my sister out, I just wanted her to come home.

The sudden urge to cry passed through me but the second Tyler grabbed my hand and started walking toward the large revolving doors, I bit back my cries and focused on where I was going and the warmth that was filling my arm from his hand on mine.

“Hello, Shelby Davis, please”, Tyler gave the woman behind the counter a polite smile as she nodded wordlessly and scribbled out to visitor passes for Tyler and I, just as she was about to hand them to us, he sent her a worried smile and asked if he could have another for his friend that was parking the car.

Again a smile and a nod and the woman quickly scribbled out another pass and as she handed them to us, gave us the room number. Stomach grumbling as she told us how to get there, I turned from the desk and watched as the other brunette walked into the lobby and immediately spotted me.

Waving him over, Tyler turned around and sent him a wide smile as he walked over to him and slapped the visitor pass on his shirt. “Let’s go”, Tyler announced as he grabbed my hand and walked us over to the elevators.

As we stepped in and I hit the button of the Children’s wing, I leaned back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, thinking back to the first time I had been in the elevator with Tyler. I remember him standing there with those flowers, smiling like an idiot.

“You okay, Doc?” He whispered to me as I slowly picked my head up and looked over at him, the ends of my lips slightly moving upward.

“You remember?”

“How could I forget?” The smile on his lips was enough to reduce me to tears, but as the large doors in front of us opened, the urge to smile and cry about the little things left me. The ends of my lips fell flat and my limbs started to become heavier and harder to move as I stepped out of the hallway and instead of walking straight made a sharp turn.

Glancing at the badge, I looked up at the wall to see the numbers slowly getting closer and closer to hers.

When we reached it, the door was almost shut and the light inside was off.

“I can’t-“

“Hey”, Tyler grabbed my hand and held it tightly in his. “She’s your little sister, Len. You have to. Jamie and I are here for you, here for Shelby, it’s alright.”

Staring into his eyes, I swallowed nervously, nodded and then slowly walked over to the door, pushing it open and poking my head in. As I did, I watched as the girl sitting up in the bed looked up from the little pieces of paper on her light pink sheets and locked her eyes right onto me.

After a few seconds of silence, she let a loud squeal out and crawled to the edge of her bed, making a few machines rattled as she pulled on the chords and tubes that she was hooked up to.

“Lennon!” She screamed as she stood up on the bed. Just as she was about to climb off, I quickly walked over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, a smile spreading across my face as the familiar smell of L’Oreal kids shampoo filled my head.

“Still making those little cranes, Shell?”

“Of course I am! I was sick the other day, but I’m all better now.” She hummed as she pressed a few kisses to my cheek and then sat back down on her bed. Just as she was about to move over to give me space to sit, she looked over to the door and let out another loud squeal. “Tyty! Come here, come here, I’m going to… Oh my gosh, you guys are dating!” She flailed her arms, making the machines rattle again.

Just as I was about to tell her to chill out before they had to reconnect everything, Tyler ran over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, ruffling her thin blonde hair as he pressed a kiss to her forehead and then set her back down.

“You miss us?”

“Of course I did!” She rolled her eyes dramatically as she crawled over to the top of her bed and pulled her legs close to her. “Lenny, sit by me, Tyler you can sit… Oh!” She looked up at Jamie as he approached the bed. “Hello Mister Captain Benn”, Shelby blushed as Jamie let out a loud laugh and shook his head, putting his hand out for her to shake it.

“Jamie.”

“Wow”, she looked up at the man, her small eyes five times the size as he grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it like the true gentleman I pinned him for. “I think you’re my new favorite, sorry Tyty”, Shelby patted Tyler’s shoulder as he sat down on the edge of her bed and grabbed a piece of purple paper.

Making a pained face, Tyler slapped his hand over his heart and shook his head. “That hurts, Shell”

“I know, but he kissed my hand. He’s like a prince, you’re like… Well you’re just an attractive boy.” She sighed as she sent Jamie a dreamy smile and then looked over at me. “Get Mister Captain Benn to train Tyler to be like him.”

“Oh, I’ll train ya’ Seggy.” Jamie howled with laughter as Tyler rolled his eyes and gave Jamie a shove as he sat down on the opposite side of the bed and picked up one of the little cranes Shelby had made.

After a few more jokes being shot back and forth, Shelby looked from the two boys who were fighting and then turned her small body completely toward me. Grabbing my hand, she slapped hers on either side of mine lightly and then sent me a small smile. “Sorry I scared you, Lenny.” She whispered as she looked up at me. “I know you don’t like this hallway and I know you get like super worried when I get sick, but I’ll be okay.” She sent me a huge smile as she crawled over to me and plopped down in my lap.

“Okay”, I whispered, my chest tightening as my father’s words rumbled through my head.

“I’ll be around to steal your clothes, and make fun of your hair, and eat your food, oh and I’m going to be the flower girl at your wedding, is that okay, Tyty?” She asked, leaning back so she could get Tyler’s attention. As he hummed at her to repeat her words, she informed him that she was going to be the flower girl at out wedding, and shot him a smile when he made a face and asked her why the groom couldn’t double as the flower girl.

As the two started laughing, I looked down at the small piece of paper in my hands and felt the familiar burning sensation rush through me.

Four months

I felt sick. I felt like I was about to throw up and pass out, so before the contents of my stomach could creep up my throat, I carefully got off of the bed and informed them that I had to run to the bathroom. As Shelby nodded toward me and went back to talking to Jamie, Tyler eyed me cautiously, lifting his eyebrow in question.

As I locked eyes on his, I felt my whole body tense and before I could turn away, my eyes glazed over in a sheet of tears. Swallowing hard, I took an uneasy breath and quickly walked out of the room. Tears blurring my vision, I stumbled down the hallway, reading signs in hopes to find the bathroom, but as I reached about three doors down, I felt a pair of hands grab onto my shoulders. Just as I was about to speak, the brunette spun me around and without a single word he pressed his lips to mine, holding my face in his hands as he held onto the kiss, inhaling softly as he titled his face to the side and then carefully let me go.

Standing there, lips on fire, tears rushing down my cheeks, I looked up at him and watched as his eyes glazed over. “Tyler, what-“

“I love you, Lennon.” My throat started to close as Tyler’s eyes started to examine mine. “I love you a lot, and I hate seeing you like this. It kills me, it kills me so fucking much.” His thumb rubbed circles on my cheeks, pushing the tears form my skin. “I know this is the worst time, and that this isn’t important right now, but I just want you to realize that I’m going to be here for you through all of this. No matter what happens I’m going to be right here, okay?”

I started to cry harder as I looked at the boy, my heart swelling from the influx of emotions rushing through my body.

“Okay?” He asked again, his voice breaking as his eyes became worried as I was unresponsive.

After a few seconds, I managed to take a small breath and nod.

“Okay, okay.” I whispered through my tears and looked at the brunette, his eyes clearing as he ran his thumb over my cheeks again, wiping the tears into my skin.

“Promise?” He asked again, a small smile surfacing on his face.

Running my eyes over his face, I felt the ends of my lips curl up. Just the fact that at a time like this, with everything going on, he managed to make me smile, meant that there was something incredible about him and no matter what happened to us, I would never forget how he stood by me at the darkest time of my life.

“I promise.”