Paper Cranes

Life always had this funny way of lifting you up, letting you relish in the comfort, and then just as it got good, just as you thought everything would be okay; it pulled it all away from you. Every ounce of happiness, every ray of sunshine, every single possible good thing would just disappear.

I had just turned in my last paper when the call came through. The name on the screen belonged to my father, but as soon as I answered the phone, it was hard to believe the man on the other end of the phone was he. “Shelby’s not doing well, Len.”

His voice was void of any emotion. It echoed through the phone like a worn out recording, like he had been telling his daughter than her sister was essentially dying his whole life. Partly, it was true, but irrelevant to this particular situation.

“What do you mean?” It was a simple question that prompted a simple answer, but I didn’t receive one.

“They had to relocate her to a different room. She’s been throwing up all morning, they’re trying to stabilize her so they can send her in for-“

Hands shaking, I dropped my phone onto the cement beneath me and shut my eyes tightly, ignoring the small groups of kids wandering through the paths at school, talking loudly, laughing, and going with their perfect, normal, lives.

I had the sudden urge to scream, scream until every inch of my body felt like it was on fire. I wanted my vocal chords to bleed and my jaw to rip in half. I wanted to feel some kind of overwhelming pain that could counteract the horrible knives digging into my heart and lungs.

It was about five minutes of standing in the middle of the paved walkway before I reached down and grabbed my cell phone off of the ground, ignoring the new scratches and cracks lining the touch screen.

“Len, Len, are you there?”

“Hmm.” I hummed; unable to pry my lips open to form actual words.

“I don’t think you should come see her tonight.” My stomach dropped. “We had to move her into the hallway when… The one you hate. I know how much you hate it, and I don’t want you to see her like this. Just give her a night, and-“

“No.” I choked out through gritted teeth. “She’s… my baby sister, I want to see her.” My limbs were shaking violently as my grip on my cell phone tightened until the jagged edges were close to piercing the tender skin on the palm of my hand.

“Lennon, please.”

“I’m going to see my fucking sister.” I snapped and without another word, pulled the phone from my ear and ended the call. Emotions raged inside of my mind. I was angry, so, so, angry for everything happening now. Tonight was supposed to be us celebrating. It was supposed to be Shelby, Tyler, Jamie, and a few others with pizza and ice cream and smiles. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

This just wasn’t fair. She was doing so well, she was so lively, so normal.

Without thinking much, I unlocked the home screen of my phone and immediately scrolled through a few calls before I found Tyler’s number. Hitting the small phone icon, I pressed the phone against my ear and lowered my body onto the ground. Leaning my back against the nearest tree, I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my free arm around them as I patiently waited to hear his voice come through the other end.

“Hello?” It wasn’t him.

“Who is-“

“Lennon?”

“Mhm.” I shut my eyes as I tried to place the all-to-familiar voice to a face.

“It’s Jamie. Ty ran to the bathroom, told me to watch his phone in case you called. Kind of funny you did, huh? He should be right back we just got off the plane and-“ I appreciated his rambling, how his words were so unrelated to everything that I was currently facing. It calmed me in a way, to be flooded with information about something that wasn’t my dying sister.

Swallowing hard, I sucked in a deep breath and as soon as he heard this, he stopped mid-sentence and inhaled sharply. “The plans tonight are cancelled.”

“What happened?” His voice was soft, just above a whisper. “Is-“

“She’s not doing well. She’s… they had to move her into a different room. It’s… I don’t…. bad.” I started shaking as the words rolled from the tip of my tongue and hummed through the phone.

After a minute, there was a loud rustling noise and before I could question it, Tyler’s voice filled the other end, making every drop of blood in my body start to burn. “Lennon, what’s going on?” Worry smothered his words, and only made the urge to scream and cry and kick my feet like a small child worsen.

“Shelby’s sick.”

“What kind of sick?” His words were rushed.

“I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean, you’re not sure?” He was angry.

“I don’t fucking know, Tyler.” I screamed, my tiny fist slamming into the rough gravel beneath me. “My dad called me and told me she’s been throwing up all day, that they fucking moved her into the hallway, that I shouldn’t even go to the hospital okay. That kind of sick. I don’t… I don’t know what that means.” My whole body started to shake. “I’m not a doctor or a fucking.. or… or…”

There was a moment of silence before Tyler started talking again. “Where are you, are you at school? Just stay there okay, stay where you are and just… just stay there, okay?”

Instead of speaking, I nodded and felt the hot tears that had been building up behind my eyes start to leak from the corners of my eyes. Nodding and letting out a shaky exhale, Tyler told me that he loved me, and he would call me when he got close. As I continued to nod, I pulled the phone from my face, ended the call, and then pressed my forehead into my knees, inhaling and exhaling deeply in order to keep myself from losing it.

I stayed there for what felt like hours. The air started to grow cold around me, the sun started to sink under the horizon line, and the pathways that were once scattered with students were now empty. It was the last day of finals, and everyone on the whole campus had gone home, everyone except me.

Tears were still flowing from my eyes when the sound of my cell phone ringing started to break the tranquil silence around me. Without looking at the screen, I slid the bar across and put the rectangle to my ear. “Yeah?” My voice cracked as my eyes slowly drifted from the darkening sky to my shoes.

“Where are you, Len. Jamie and I are-“

“I’m not sure.” I whispered. Looking to my right and left, I examined some little pebbles that were scattered around me. With a light sigh, I glanced up and ran my eyes over the brick faced buildings, and white columns. “I’m… I don’t remember… Give me a second.”

Inhaling sharply, I pushed my body off of the ground and slowly turned around, my head spinning from the small movement. As I looked toward the center of campus, I watched as two people appeared from over the hill. Blinking a few times, I tried to focus in on the men moving closer to me, but as the world spun beneath my feet, and the lights began to dim, I couldn’t manage to make out their faces.

“Lennon lift up your hand”, Tyler’s voice echoed through the phone. Nodding a little, I slowly lifted my hand a little and then looked up to see one of the two men head right for me, their feet slapping against the asphalt at a high speed. The sounds grew louder and louder until the man was right in front of me, and his strong arms were tightly wrapped around my body.

Without any words, Tyler pressed his face into the crook of my neck, inhaled deeply, and then lifted his head up a little and pressed his lips against my forehead. Locking his beautiful eyes on mine, he frowned and then nodded a little. “I’m okay.”

“Are you?”

“Yeah, I am.” I breathed and then looked down at my shoes and watched as my eyes spun in my head. “I don’t feel well.”

“Do you want us to take you to the hospital, Len?”

“No. I just wanna go home.”

“Do you want to grab dinner with us?” The other brunette asked in a tender voice, his large eyes narrowing in on mine as a small smile appeared on his lips. “We can just order some take out, relax, Jordie is going by-“

Nodding, I looked down at my feet again and winced as my head pounded and my stomach knotted tightly. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t breathe right, and I couldn’t even see straight. Everything was wrong, everything was spinning or sour, nothing felt right against my skin, and nothing sounded right in my mind. I wanted to go see Shelby, but I didn’t. I wanted Tyler to hug me, but at the same time I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I was stuck in a completely torn state, and the only thing I really wanted to do was close my eyes and wake up when this was all over.

Tyler grabbed my shoulders again and started talking to me. He went on and on, his words falling into the air in a huge jumble and hitting me all at once. When he was finished, I had not made sense of one thing he said, and instead of nodding or shaking my head, I bit down roughly on my lip, looked down, and shook my head a little, squeezing my eyes shut to avoid the embarrassing eye contact.

Luckily, Tyler didn’t try to talk to me anymore. Instead, he grabbed my book bag, tucked me under his arm and then motioned Jamie to follow him. Sighing a little, Tyler pressed his lips to my temple, then started walking me down the path toward the center of the campus where there were a few street parking spots and a parking garage.

Once we reached the black SUV, Tyler opened the passenger side door for me and went to help me in. Ignoring his hand, I climbed into the SUV, sat down in the seat and then bowed my head down, letting my dark waves of hair shield my face from everyone as tears started to cascade down my face.

I was a mess, a huge crying mess.

It was the only thing I could think of doing.

It was the only thing that felt right.

“Shelby wouldn’t want to see you like this, Len.” Tyler whispered as he got into the seat next to me and quickly grabbed my hand. “You know she hates when you-“

“I don’t care anymore, Tyler.” I said in a small voice. “This is all I want to do right now, this is the only thing that feels right. My sister is dying, Tyler. My little baby sister is dying, and I’m not going to be fucking okay with it.”

After my words created an unbearable tension in the car, I felt Tyler’s hand slowly lift from mine. Once I noticed it back on the steering wheel, I swallowed hard and then looked back down at my jeans. As the car engine hummed I focused on the tiny droplets cascading down my face, all the way down to my chin. Once they were there, I watched them collect into small stains on the fabric of my pants. As they grew larger and larger, I started to cry harder and harder, until every inhale made me want to throw up, and every exhale produced a new round of tears and a collective pain hat radiated through my whole entire body.

It was a pain I had never felt before in my life.

It was the single worst thing I had ever experienced.

It was the first time in my life where I truly wanted to die.