The Danger in Following Rules

I knew I loved you from the moment I saw you, Rian said I was being over dramatic. I said I was being honest. I loved you from the moment I met you Alex but the more I got to know you the more I realized you were never looking for love just an exit.

I wish I could say that changed anything but I was already too far gone.

Rian would always remind me that you were nothing but bad news. You'd always smirk and remind me that he was just jealous and I was just lucky. Maybe that should've bothered me but it didn't you were right, I was just lucky to have you. Well sort of have you.

There were so many rules to being in a relationship with you, like not using the word relationship. I wasn't allowed to talk to you at school, "I don't think my friends like you." I could only call you twice a week, not that you ever answered anyways, because "I can't have you getting too attached." Most importantly I couldn't ever tell anyone the things you told me, "They wouldn't get it zacky but I'll be fine, I promise, I can handle it myself."

That was hardest rule to follow.

You needed help I knew that but when you'd call me late at night and call me "zacky" and cry into my ear about how much you hated yourself how was I supposed to betray you. I know I was selfish and stupid but "zacky" sounded so much better than pathetic, stupid, worthless or any of the other things you called me in the light of day. Being needed was so much better then being "just lucky to have you" so I followed the rule.

It was our secret. To everyone else you were tough you didn't care about anything but drinking and partying with Jack. Everyone thought he was the one you loved but I knew better because late at night when you needed someone you called me. You loved me. Even if no one else knew it I knew and that was enough. At least for me it was.

*********
I sat slumped against my wall with my phone balancing on my knees. I was so tired but I couldn't go to sleep I needed to be awake just in case you called. I held my breath with anticipation and wished the phone would never ring but it did. I took a second to look at the picture of you sleeping that filled my screen, no pictures another rule, before I answered.

“Alex?”

“Who else would it be,” you replied dryly.

“S-sorry.” I don’t know why I always said the wrong thing I guess it’s a gift.

I heard you sigh through the phone and I tried to picture how you must've looked huddled under all your blankets. Maybe you'd let me come over and lay with you. Those were my favorite moments. I loved the feeling I got when you allowed me be that close to you. I loved when I got to tell you I loved you. I loved the silence that ensured I wouldn't say the wrong thing. I loved you.

“Stop thinking so much you’re giving me a head ache.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled again.

“For Christ sake stop apologizing so much! You act like a fucking child sometimes I swear.”

“Sor-“ I started quickly stopping myself.

Another sigh came from your end of the phone as I waited for you to begin. You initiated all conversations that wasn't a rule but I’d learned over time that it made things easier. Following that rule kept me from saying something stupid that would make you hang up.

You started with an apology just like you always did. “I’m sorry Zack I shouldn't snap at you like that,” and your voice sounded so sweet I let myself believe you , I always did “I know how sensitive you can be.”

It sometimes hurt when the boy I loved treated me like shit, I guess that made me “sensitive.” You usually called me a lot worse though so I wasn’t going to complain.

“It’s ok Alex I know you didn't mean it.”

“I’m still sorry,” you continued. “Sometimes I just feel so bad and I take it out on you.” I started to notice there was something off about your voice and I braced myself for what I knew would happen. “I shouldn't do that but don’t worry you won’t have to deal with me for much longer. I’m almost done.”

Out of everything you put me through this was by far the worst. You kept me weak and dependent on you through all your insults and rules and then every other night you’ turn the tables and force me to be the strong one. All week you’d call me a loser and then with the ring of a phone you’d force me to try and be a hero.

And I loved you so of course I would always try and be that hero for you.

“Don’t talk like that Alex, please. Do you want me to come over? I can be at your house in five minutes.” I said glancing at my alarm clock it was three in the morning, my mom would kill me, you were worth it.

“No, just stay on the phone with me I’m almost asleep anyways.” There was definitely something wrong with your voice it was too quiet but I figured it was just because you were tired.

“Are you sure ‘Lex? It’s not a big deal I can leave right now.”

“I wish I was better to you zacky. You've always been so good to me.”

Zacky? You only ever called me that when things were bad. I’d hold you tight as you sobbed against my chest constantly repeating “I’m so sorry zacky.” You were going to break and I needed to be there to put you back together like I did every time you called. I frantically began to search for my keys while I continued to talk to you.

“It’s alright babe your good to me too,” I soothed as I started my car. “ I love you, ok? Everything’s going to be fine.”

“I d-don’t love him. D-don’t love Jack.” Your words came out quiet and slurred. I could feel my heart beat in time with every shaky breath you took.

“Alex, hold on baby, I’m coming over alright? Don’t do anything please, please, please, I’ll fix everything just wait.”

“I’m sorry.”

The words weren't quiet or slurred they were clear with a distinct air of finality.

“Alex no listen to me-“but I was cut off by the dial tone. This was going to be ok you had probably just cut yourself a little deeper than usual but I could fix that. I’d bandage you up, no hospitals that was another rule, and keep you safe until morning. Then you’d spend all of first period laughing while you explained to Jack how you’d drunkenly smashed your arm through a window.

I parked my car outside your house hopping the fence to sneak in through your window like I’d done so many times before. Only this time the window was locked. The curtain was drawn and there was no light in the room. One of the cutest things about you was your childish fear of the dark, you never slept without a night light. For the first time that night it crossed my mind that maybe things were worse than I thought.

I hopped back over the fence racing up the steps to your porch and pounding on your front door. A few seconds later your mom answered the door looking quite annoyed.

“Zack! Do you-“

“Something’s wrong with Alex,” I said pushing past her and bolting to your room.

Everything that happened after is hazy. I remember throwing your door open and turning on the light. I remember the relief of finding you sleeping peacefully. I remember the horror of feeling how cold your skin was and the disbelief of realizing you were gone.

After that everything went black for a long time and it’s both easy and hard to remember things.

It’s easy to remember holding your cold body in my arms while I cried.
It’s hard to remember how I got home that night.

It’s easy to remember when Jack gave the speech at your funeral.
It’s hard to remember if it was him or one of your other friends that beat me up afterwards.

It’s easy to remember that following those rules killed you.
It’s hard to remember if that’s my fault.

It’s easy to remember you said you didn't love Jack.
It’s hard to forget you never said you loved me.

*********
Rian says it’ll get better I just have to give it time. He says a lot of things but I can’t really hear anything but your voice anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

You had nothing to be sorry for it was my fault. It was all my fault. I should have been better. I’m so sorry Alex. I’m sorry for all the times I fell asleep before you called. I’m sorry for crying when you yelled at me I know that made you feel bad. I’m sorry I was such a terrible boyfriend.

Rian tells me he’s there for me and that we’re gonna get through this together. He says it wasn't my fault but it was. Jack tells me every day it was all my fucking fault and he’s right. It should have been me.

I wonder if I’m allowed to talk to you in heaven.