"So Soon"

Josh Ramsay sat at the kitchen table, listening to the seemingly louder-than-usual tick, tick, tick of the clock on the wall behind him. The time was somewhere between two and four in the morning, but he didn’t care to waste the energy to turn around to find out for sure. He knew it was dark, he knew he was alone and he knew he was exhausted. He closed his bloodshot eyes to try to stop the slight burning, but it didn’t help. He hadn’t slept for days and everything around him felt like it was too much. The air outside was too cold in his lungs, but the air inside was too hot on his skin. The soft lighting in the room was too bright and gave him a headache as well as made his eyes sting. His own breathing was too loud and his heart beat too hard in his chest, but his body felt too heavy and too tired to drag himself across the house and down to his basement bedroom, so he sat where he was for hours, staring into space and occasionally tracing a thin finger over the patterned tablecloth.
Yawning, Josh picked up the lighter in front of him and flicked it on, allowing the spark dance for several seconds before letting go and relighting it. He did this several times, entranced by the heat and the colours. He gently blew out the fire and set the lighter back down on the table in favour of picking up a small folded sheet of tin foil with a blow of heroin resting in the center. He stuck a thin tube between his lips and grabbed the lighter once more, expertly flicking it on and holding the fire beneath the tin foil until the powder turned to liquid and started to smoke. He inhaled the vapours slowly and methodically, feeling the drug seep into his system.
The tall, lanky seventeen year old set everything down on the table as he leaned back in his chair with a feeling of calmness that he hadn’t felt in nearly a week. Shit, he needed this. Josh leaned forward again and heated the heroin until smoke rose and danced in front of his face for a second time. He inhaled through the cardboard tube twice, then a third time before there was nothing left on the tinfoil but a black smudge on the underside. He crinkled the foil in his hand and set the tight ball on the table as he laid the lighter and tube beside it.
The overwhelming feeling that life was slowly crushing him had subsided, thank God. He was somehow content and felt more alive than he had since the last time he had smoked, which was a bit of a miracle in itself, because Josh was never relaxed. His mind constantly raced, jumping from one subject to another, never slowing, never stopping. The only thing that made sense in his head was music, but even that was a chore lately. Too many ideas were jumbled up inside of him and he couldn’t get them out unless he had heroin in his system.
Josh finally felt like he had the energy to devote to working on a song that had been eluding him for months, so he shoved his chair back, stood, jammed the tinfoil ball, the lighter and the tube into his pocket and made his way to his basement bedroom. He sat on the floor with his back against the bed, making notations on music staffs to represent the melodies he could hear in his head. One note or chord at a time revealed themselves as his hand flew across the page, erasing things that didn’t sound right and adding things that did.
When he finally ran out of ideas, he still wasn’t out of energy. Josh needed someone to consult with but the only one he was close to was Matt Webb, his younger friend, classmate and fellow musician. Not giving a thought to the time, Josh reached over, grabbed the phone from the desk and dialed Matt’s phone number.
“Whoever this is better have a damn good reason for calling,” answered a voice, thick with sleep.
“Dude, it’s me!” Josh pushed himself to his feet and sat on the bed.
“What? Josh? Do you have any idea what time it is?”
“I don’t fuckin’ know, dude. Listen, I’m working on this song and I need your help. Wanna come over?” Josh stood again and paced across the floor while he talked. He might have felt relaxed, but his body wouldn’t stop moving.
“No I don’t. It’s dicks o’clock in the morning and I’m sleeping. Something you should be doing, too,” Matt growled into the phone, sounding more annoyed each time he had to speak.
“Well, I’m not fuckin’ tired! Come on, come over. Bring your guitar,” Josh tried to persuade his friend.
“No, and I’m hanging up now. Get some sleep. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” With that, there was a click in Josh’s ear and the line went dead.
“Fuck,” Josh mumbled to himself and turned the phone off. He tossed it onto the bed and sat back down on the floor with his open notebook on his lap in hopes of being able to write some lyrics to go along with the music he had just composed.
Before he knew it, the sun had brightened his room and the digital clock on his nightstand read seven-thirty. Josh had to be at school by eight o’clock, which meant he didn’t have time to shower or change his clothes if he didn’t want to be late. Fuck not wanting to be late. He couldn’t be late. He was already in danger of failing numerous classes due to just not showing up at all. Over the last four months especially, he had either slept straight through his school days or had been too fucked up to go, knowing that someone would call him out for being under the influence of who-knows-what. The only classes he actively tried to attend were band and choir, and only then, it was because he truly felt like those would suit him better in life than learning the capital cities of small countries he had never heard of that would most likely dissolve before he turned twenty-one.
Josh reached into his pocket, pulled out the tools he had used to smoke several hours prior and stuffed them into his sock drawer along with his music notebook before bumping the drawer closed with his hip. Running his hand through his hair to rake the knots out, he glanced in the mirror once on his way out the door. Josh rolled his eyes at his appearance, knowing that he looked like a walking skeleton. But there was nothing he could do about it. No, there was nothing he cared to do about it. People would either deal with it or they wouldn’t. It was none of their concern what he did and it was none of his concern what they thought.
Josh slid behind the wheel of his car and sped through his neighbourhood before pulling into a parking space in the high school parking lot fifteen minutes later. He was early, which was a first. Cramming his keys into his pocket, he took his time walking across the lot and through the doors. His locker was right outside his homeroom, which happened to be choir. After that was band in the same room, both of which were classes he had with Matt.
The thin boy spun the combination lock in his hand and pulled the red metal door open to retrieve both of the music folders for choir and band. He jumped when someone walked up beside him and fell back against the neighbouring locker. “The fuck?!” Josh yelped, closing his own locker door to glare at whoever was behind it.
Matt yawned, not bothering to cover his mouth. His green backpack dangled by a strap from his hand. “Did I imagine it or did you fucking call me in the middle of the night last night?” he asked, jumping right into conversation without saying “hello”.
Josh grinned and leaned with his shoulder against his locker. “Nope, I called. I have more music I’m working on and I need another pair of eyes, dude. I can’t tell if it’s working or not.”
“And you had to do this at three-thirty in the morning? Seriously, Josh?” Matt lifted his head slightly, taking a deep breath. “What the hell is that smell?”
Josh shrugged, suddenly aware of the lingering vinegar smell that clung to his clothes from the night before. “Dunno dude, let’s just get to class. The bell’s gonna ring any fucking…-“ The ringing of the eight o’clock bell to call students to homeroom signaled, cutting off his sentence. He smiled at Matt and shouldered past him to take his assigned seat on the risers inside the room.
Choir and band went as expected for Josh. He had the music nearly memorized for both classes, but still somehow managed to forget what he was doing twice, causing Matt to glance over at the older boy and narrow his eyes in question. Josh laughed and passed it off as a joke, claiming that his Attention Deficit Disorder was in full swing that day. In reality, the heroin he had smoked was just barely still in his system about six hours later and he was feeling himself start to come down from his high. He needed to get out of the school to smoke a little more so he could continue to function, but he had to get through all of this first.
When the bell rang at the end of the band class, Josh grabbed his music and sprinted down the risers, yelling over his shoulder to Matt that he would see the younger boy later. “Wait, where the hell are you going?” he heard Matt reply just before he reached the hallway.
“Later, I’ll talk to you later,” he yelled back a second time and continued on his way through the halls, across the parking lot and into his car.
Josh slid into the passenger seat and popped open the glove box to rummage around inside. He pulled out a book, a set of guitar strings, a box of picks and his house keys before he found what he was looking for. The small square of folded tinfoil contained his emergency stash and he considered this an emergency. He repeated the same act, motion for motion, that he had made several hours ago. He leaned back against the seat as the drug entered his body. Josh felt like he was melting, like he was floating, like his head wasn’t so full anymore. He made sure to keep his hands out of sight in case anyone noticed him, but at the moment, he didn’t really give a fuck. Everything was finally okay again.
When there was nothing left on the tinfoil, he folded everything back up and stuffed the cardboard tube and bit of foil into the glove box before burying it under all the junk he had pulled out earlier. He grabbed his pack of cigarettes from the dashboard and stuck one between his lips as he lit it. Josh tossed the lighter back into the glove box as well before clicking it shut. The cigarette smoke ought to hide the other stench, he rationalized, not quite realizing that people could smell both in his hair and on his clothing.
He took several long drags of his cigarette before he finished it and opened his car door to toss it out onto the pavement. Josh stuck a long leg out and snuffed it out with the toe of his shoe before angling his body and pushing himself to stand. He felt so much better, so much clearer. Maybe now he could make it through the hell that would be the rest of his day. He’d only missed his math class, and that wasn’t so bad, comparatively. At least he’d fuckin’ shown up at all, right?
Josh took his time making his way back through the parking lot and into the school because he knew he still had a bit of time before the bell rang again, signaling the change of classes. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the brick wall, bending his leg and putting his foot flat against the building behind him. The warm sun felt good and countered the cold breeze nicely. He felt like he could stay there all day and never move, but the obnoxious clanging of the bell above his head pulled him from his thoughts and he turned to yank the glass door open and resume his day, just as mindlessly as everyone else.
Josh stepped into the bathroom before heading to his history class and walked straight into Matt as he opened the door. Matt’s books fell out of his hands and he stumbled backwards a couple of steps to regain his balance. “The hell, Ramsay?” He laughed, stooping to pick up the papers that had gone flying as he lost hold of his possessions.
“Dude, sorry!” Josh grinned back and bent down to help his friend collect the scattered objects. He stood and handed two books and a notebook over to the brunet. “You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Thanks,” he said, taking the books and tucking them into his backpack for safety this time. “Dude, what the hell is that smell?” he asked again. “Is that the heating system in this place or something?”
Josh grinned a second time and shrugged, holding his hands palms-up. “Got me. Could be anything. This place is old as fuck, you know that.”
“I guess,” Matt responded, quickly slinging his backpack over his left shoulder. Josh could tell that Matt was incredibly skeptical, but Josh sure as hell wasn’t about to let anyone in on his biggest secret. “Hey, I’ll see you later after school to work on that music you asked about last night?”
Josh nodded. “Yeah, man, yeah…later. Catch me after last bell and we’ll go back to my house.”
Matt brushed by the taller boy and said, “Cool, later,” then he was out of sight.
Josh quickly checked the stalls in the bathroom to make sure he was alone for the two minutes left between classes and locked himself into the furthest one from the door. He sank to his knees, cringing slightly over the fact that his favourite pair of jeans were now in direct contact with the floor that was coated in numerous bodily fluids, without a doubt. But he couldn’t let himself think too much about that. No, he decided, that was exactly what he needed to think about as he leaned over the toilet and slowly reached two fingers into his mouth, dragging his two front teeth across his knuckles. He didn’t stop until his fingertips touched the back of his throat, making him gag. Josh could feel his stomach start to churn as he opened his mouth a little wider and slid his fingers a bit further down.
That did it. Josh leaned over the toilet and lost everything in his stomach, which wasn’t much as he hadn’t eaten in several days. He had no appetite with the drugs in his body, but he still had to eat something to fake his way through life, even if it was just an apple at dinner to make his parents think everything was fine. Acid and bile burned his throat and the taste clung to his tongue as he grabbed some toilet paper to wipe at his mouth before flushing away the evidence that he had gotten sick.
He shifted to sit on the floor with one leg tucked up under his body and the other knee pulled up to his chest. Josh leaned back against the cream coloured wall and wiped at his watery eyes and running nose, then rubbed his hand on his pants. He suddenly felt weak and tired, like all the sleep he had lost over the last seven days had finally caught up to him. The drugs made him feel an odd mixture of numbness and near-happiness, and that was enough to let him rest. But he couldn’t sleep there on the floor of the bathroom. Someone would find him for sure. He only had to hide out until the bell rang again telling him that it was the end of his math class and then he could roam the hallway with the rest of the crowd, slip through the doors and back out to his car again. Josh could sleep there until the end of the day when it was time to meet Matt.
He sighed and wiped at his face again before putting his hands flat on the floor and pushing himself to his feet. He nearly laughed when his legs buckled slightly under him and he had to reach out to grab onto the door to steady himself before unlocking it and stepping out towards the row of sinks against the opposite wall. Josh had come back into the school with the sole purpose of trying to make it through the rest of his classes, but he was too fucked up and that just wasn’t in the cards today at all. He quickly made peace with that, vowing to try again the next day.
The teenager slowly put one foot in front of the other until he reached the white porcelain sink and extended his hand out to turn on the cold water. He waited with his head bowed and his hands braced against the edges of the basin until he felt like he could let go long enough to rinse the god-awful taste out of his mouth and clean up just a little. His eyes had teared enough that it caused his “freakish” eyeliner to run down his cheeks in thin black lines.
Josh rinsed his mouth out and spit into the sink several times until he felt like he no longer tasted bile in his mouth every time he took a breath. Then he stooped to cup water in his hands and splashed it across his face, scrubbing at the dark marks that streaked his skin until he was free of the makeup that regularly caused him substantial grief by the hands of his classmates on any given day.
“Man, you okay?” came a concerned voice from the other side of the bathroom, startling Josh for the second time that day and causing him to stand up straight and whip his body around to see who had caught him.
“Fuck, Matt! What the hell?” Josh was relieved that it was only Matt, but he still scowled at the younger boy who was leaning back against the door, bracing it shut in case anyone else tried to come in. His arms were crossed and he looked concerned.
“Are you okay?” Matt asked again as he watched Josh reach out to pull a handful of paper towels from the dispenser to dry his face.
“Yeah, fine. I’m just fuckin’ peachy. What the hell are you doing back here?” he asked the brunet after clearing his throat. Josh tossed the garbage into the trash can, slid easily up to sit on the counter between the sinks and swung his feet while he waited for Matt’s answer.
“Forgot my notebook,” he answered, uncrossing his arms to gesture at the ledge above the sink just under the mirror. A blue notebook labeled “Geography” scrawled in Matt’s writing stood on its end up against the glass.
Josh tipped his head toward it and muttered, “Then you might wanna get it, dude.”
Matt crossed the tile floor and picked up his notebook, tucking it under his arm. “Seriously, man, are you okay? You look like you just got hit by a fucking truck.”
“I’m fine, I’ll see you after last period. Just…get back to class.” The older boy ducked his head and brushed his hair out of his eyes, though the latter gesture did no good.
“Are you sure? Do you want me to like, walk you to the nurse or something?” Matt took another step in Josh’s direction.
“Fucking go, Matt. I said I was fine. Just go. Get back to class. Learn whatever shit they’re trying to drill into you and get smarter.” Josh lifted his head to look at the slightly shorter boy.
Matt sighed, rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders all at the same time, knowing that his friend wasn’t as fine as he claimed, but also realizing that there was nothing he could do about it. As he was walking back out into the hallway, he could have sworn that he heard Josh mumble, “Don’t be like me,” but he couldn’t be sure.
Josh leaned back against the mirror and closed his eyes. “Shit,” he said quietly to himself. “I’m so fucked up.” It was the first time he had ever admitted that to himself. It felt like hell to say out loud, but it was the truth.
The bell rang yet again, announcing the changing of classes and he took that opportunity to bolt straight out of the bathroom and walk quickly through the halls as best he could, pushing himself off lockers to keep his balance. Once he reached his car, he fumbled in his pocket for the keys, cursing loudly when he dropped them once and had to lean over to pick them up. He was weak and extremely unsteady on his feet and he nearly ate the asphalt when he reached down to retrieve his keys.
Finally, he was able to jam the silver metal into the lock and yank the door open. Josh slid into the driver’s seat and immediately reclined it backward. He slammed the door shut behind him and locked it, hoping to God that no one saw him. He just needed a nap. Just two hours…just an hour. Fifteen minutes. Anything.
The next thing he knew, a knock on his window was rousing him out of a deep sleep. Josh yawned and pulled the back of the seat up. He reached over and unlocked the passenger door to let Matt in. Looking around the parking lot through bleary eyes, Josh realized that it must have been the end of the day. His classmates were all getting into their cars to make the drive back to their houses.
“Where were you all day?” Matt asked, climbing into the car and closing the door behind him. “I usually see you in the halls and at lunch.”
“You saw me in class,” Josh answered, sticking the key into the ignition and turning the car on. He hoped the heat would kick on shortly, as he was chilled from having spent several hours out in the cold. He shivered violently for several seconds when cold air blew through the vents as the car started to warm.
Matt reached around and shoved his backpack into the back seat and turned to face Josh. “Yeah, but then you disappeared. When I ran into you in the bathroom, you really weren’t lookin’ too good, man. Did you spend the rest of the day out here?”
“It was better than sitting in a fucking classroom.” Josh shrugged and put the car in ‘drive’, following the line of other vehicles out of the lot and turning toward Acadia Road.
Matt knew better than to press his friend for more information. Josh wouldn’t say anything unless he really wanted to, so he’d have to wait. He wasn’t happy about it, so he silently sulked and stared out the window until Josh pulled up in front of his parents’ home. Once he saw the house, his anger and frustration dissipated a little, knowing that he was going to be spending time working on music. That always helped his mood.
The two walked through the front door and went straight into the kitchen where Josh grabbed a bottle of water and tossed one to Matt. “Hungry?” he asked, nodding toward the refrigerator.
Matt grabbed an apple out of the full fruit basket on the table. “This’ll do. Whatever you wanted to write last night sounded important, so let’s get to it.”
“Sure, everything’s in my room, dude. Go on down. The notebook is in my dresser drawer. Don’t wanna get that mixed up with my school shit, you know?” He flashed a lopsided smile at the younger boy. “I’ll be right there. Just wanna go have a quick smoke outside.”
Josh saw Matt frown slightly, but he shrugged, took a bite out of his apple and turned toward the basement door that would lead down to Josh’s bedroom.
Fuck anyone for judging him. Josh rolled his eyes and pulled a cigarette from the pack he kept hidden deep in a cabinet behind some cans of vegetables that had been there for as long as he could remember. He lit it in the kitchen but waited until he walked through the house and out into the back yard before he took the first drag. He wrapped one arm around himself to try to keep from shivering in the cold January air, but it didn’t help. He knew smoking would either kill him or he’d get pneumonia, but it wasn’t something he was willing to give up, just like his other nasty little vices.
“Shit!” Josh exclaimed with wide eyes. He dropped what remained of his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it until he was sure it was out, then he picked it up and dropped it into the trash can as he ran back through the house. He left Matt alone in his bedroom. His stomach dropped and his heart pounded as he reached the door and thundered down the stairs.
The older boy’s fears were confirmed when pushed his bedroom door open and fell through it to see Matt sitting on his bed staring at several small objects he held in cupped hands. The lyric notebook was open on Matt’s lap. Fuck, in his rush to leave that morning, Josh must have accidentally shoved that shit into the notebook without realizing it.
Matt looked up slowly after a minute. Josh stood panting in the doorway, unable to get as much breath into his lungs as he needed. He felt like he was suffocating and hyperventilating. His vision blurred and the objects in front of him swam. His heart raced in his chest and he once again had to grab onto something to keep his legs from giving way and dropping him to the floor. “Josh?” asked the brunet quietly, holding the objects out.
All Josh could do was close his eyes. He shut the door behind him and slid down against it, pulling his knees up tight to his chest. He couldn’t breathe and his chest burned with a white hot pain that he’d only ever experienced with his most severe panic attacks. Luckily those didn’t happen often, but he knew that’s what this was and all he could do was wait it out. He also knew it never would have happened if he hadn’t gotten hooked on that stupid shit, or if he’d thought to remember to hide it better, or if he hadn’t let Matt come down here alone. There were so many things he could have done to prevent this from happening, but those thoughts just served to make him feel even worse. The worst of all, though, was that Josh knew none of this would be happening at all if it wasn’t for heroin. It wasn’t until he started smoking it that the panic attacks started to happen. He’d been able to hide that from everyone as well…until now.
Josh gasped a couple of times and wrapped his arms around his legs, leaning his forehead down against his knees. He reached a hand up and gripped at his hair, twisting it through his fingers while he did his best to will his panic into submission. The harder he tried, the worse it got. He pulled his face away from his knees and gasped loudly, trying his best to pull more oxygen into his body.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Matt looking panicky as well. His brown eyes had gone wide and he had dropped everything he was holding to the floor, unsure of what he should do for Josh. He’d never seen his friend go through this before and it scared him shitless.
Moments later, Matt was suddenly on his knees, nearly kneeling on Josh’s shoes. “Dude…what do I do? Are you okay? Do you want me to call an ambulance? What the hell is wrong?” He fired rapid questions at Josh before the older boy could answer a single one.
Josh inhaled loudly once more and swallowed hard. His body tingled and he felt lightheaded, so he did his best to breathe in slowly while he rested his forehead back on his knees. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay, he repeated silently over and over again. Without looking up, he shook his head and held his hand up, hoping Matt would notice and give him a few minutes.
Luckily, the two had gotten to know each other well enough over the last couple of years that Matt was able to figure out what Josh meant. He shifted his position and sat against the door waiting for the older boy to sit up and talk to him. Ten minutes went by before Josh was finally able to pull his head up and breathe almost normally. The searing pain through his chest had turned to a dull ache, but he knew that was just because he had been so tense and breathing had become a problem for far too long. That would go away in time. Once again, his eyes had teared and he used the cuff of his sleeve to dry them. “Fuck,” he said quietly to himself.
“You wanna talk now?” Matt asked just as quietly.
Josh shook his head but knew that Matt wasn’t going to let that go.
“Tough shit, man. What is that?” He pointed to the tube, tin foil and small plastic bag on the floor where his feet were minutes ago. From his tone, it sounded like he knew, but was waiting for Josh to say something to confirm it.
Josh squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them with the palms of his hands. “It’s nothing,” he mumbled from behind his fingers.
“Bullshit,” Matt responded, pushing himself to his feet. Josh dropped his hands and watched Matt walk over and pick up the objects he had released in his worry for his friend. “What the fuck are you into, man? Tell me.” His tone was gentle but accusatory.
“Nothing you’d want,” Josh said, taking another deep breath. He still felt a little woozy, but he was trying his hardest to stay calm. He wrapped his arms around his legs again as if it made him feel a little more comfortable.
“No shit. Dude, is this what I think it is? Is…is this…fucking heroin??” He lifted the tinfoil to his nose and took a deep breath. Matt wrinkled his nose and pulled the metal away from his face when the vinegar smell hit him. “Is this what you smelled like all day?”
Too many questions all at once. Josh could barely follow what Matt was saying. He was just coming down from the worst panic attack he’d had in months and all he wanted to do was rip the foil, the drugs and the small cardboard tube from Matt’s hands and smoke it. He knew it would calm him, even though it was the source of all of his current problems. His eyes stayed fixed on Matt’s hands as he contemplated how he could get Matt to hand everything over.
“Josh! Pay attention. Is this why you haven’t been showing up to class? Is this why you haven’t been sleeping?” More questions.
Josh groaned and sighed heavily. “Fuckin’ yes, okay? Yes to everything.” He leaned his head back against the door and stared straight ahead.
“You’ve gotta quit this shit, man. You have to. It’s gonna fucking kill you.” Matt’s point was valid, but Josh wasn’t ready.
“Can’t, dude… Just a little while longer. I need it. It gets me out of my fuckin’ head. It’s too soon,” Josh said, sitting up straighter and turning his head to look at Matt. Matt looked defeated when Josh declined giving up something that kept him going.
“Come on, man, you know this shit isn’t good for you. You have to know that. You…do know that, don’t you?” Matt walked over and laid everything on top of Josh’s desk before turning back to face the older boy.
Josh nodded slightly. “How long has this been doing on?” the brunet questioned.
By this point, Josh was caught. He didn’t feel like he could lie his way out of it and he didn’t have the energy to try. “Year and a half…” He knew how pathetic he sounded to himself and he knew how fucked up it made him sound to Matt, but he couldn’t hide it any longer.
“A year and a half?? And you never told me…” There was disbelief and shock in Matt’s voice. “Dude, come on…quit. I need you around.”
The older boy shook his head. “Can’t…”
“Can’t or won’t?” Matt questioned.
“Can’t,” Josh repeated for the third time.
“Don’t you understand what you mean to me? If you won’t quit for yourself, do it for me,” he pleaded.
Josh shook his head slowly.
“Jesus Christ. Josh, fuck…it’s like I hardly know you these days. Sometimes I’m certain, but then you pull some random shit and I can’t figure you out.” Matt leaned his hip against the desk and crossed his arms, staring down at the older boy, still sitting on the floor.
Josh nodded slightly and ducked his head. “You’re right. Maybe there’s some things I never showed you. But you’re finding out now.”
“I can’t hang around here anymore, man. Not if you’re gonna be involved in this shit. If you don’t wanna quit, that’s your call, but I can’t… I just can’t be around this. Call me when you’re clean,” Matt said, shoving himself away from the desk. He picked up his backpack and slipped the strap over his shoulder while he waited for Josh to move away from the door. He thought there would be an argument, but Josh simply stood carefully and opened the door, watching as Matt took the stairs two at a time.
Josh slammed the door shut and groaned. He walked over to his bed where he fell backwards, feet still planted on the floor. Maybe he’s right. Maybe somebody better will understand. Maybe somebody else will be better for him. He doesn’t need to hang around me and my fucked up mess of a life. I get it …, Josh thought to himself. Doesn’t mean he won’t still cross my mind now and then, though. He shoved himself further up on the bed and once again pulled his knees up to his chest. It may have only been four-thirty in the afternoon, but that’s where he stayed for the remainder of the night, ignoring his mother’s calls that dinner was served and that his favourite show was on television. Josh drifted in and out of sleep, tossing and turning, wondering how he was going to deal with seeing Matt the next day at school and the day after that. Maybe he just wouldn’t go. No, he had to go.
Josh woke up three hours before his alarm clock was set to go off. Staggering over to his desk, he dropped down into the chair and stared at the objects Matt had left there. He thought seriously about throwing everything into the trash and walking away, but after a long mental debate, he shook his head and refolded the tinfoil ball into a square again. “Too soon,” he whispered, and the whole situation replayed itself as he lit the underside of the foil and inhaled the smoke. He sat back and waited for the familiar feeling of chemical peace to settle him down before he stuffed everything into the back of his desk drawer and went to go take a shower.
By the time the first bell rang at school, Josh was sitting in his seat in the choir room, anxiously waiting for Matt to show up. He’d rarely ever been on time for class, let alone early, but he was trying. He wanted to show Matt that even though he was pretty deep into something that could ruin his life, he didn’t want to lose that friendship. Josh bit at the tip of his finger and tapped his foot nervously on the floor while he waited. Neither gesture was distracting enough, but there was nothing else he could do.
Matt finally walked in, talking excitedly to another guy that Josh recognized from his own English class, not that he was there very often. And he only focused on music when he was in choir, so he didn’t even know the boy’s name. Josh only recognized him because he had bright green streaks through his hair and stood out like a sore thumb. Otherwise, he was averagely generic and it made Josh roll his eyes.
Josh couldn’t believe he was replaced in Matt’s life so soon. They’d just had a fight the afternoon before and now he was already buddying up to someone Josh had never seen him speak to before? Josh rolled his eyes once again and tried to focus his gaze on anything or anyone else. He felt some emotion that he couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t quite anger, but it wasn’t jealousy. Loneliness? Maybe that was it. Josh never put himself out there in the world or tried to make friends, so Matt was kind of special to him. He had his music, but he couldn’t call up music at midnight just to say “hi” or to share an idea he had for creating a band with big dreams and hopes of playing shows in front of huge crowds. Josh knew that even though he couldn’t keep Matt for himself, he also couldn’t ask the younger boy to ditch everyone he knew just because the two weren’t hanging out together. Fuck, that stung. It just felt too soon to be seeing Matt laughing and joking around with someone else when that was their morning routine before the bell rang.
Well, fuck it. If Matt was going to find someone else to be happier hanging out with, Josh was just going to have to pretend like it didn’t bother him. He was seething on the inside, even if he understood and actually wanted to shake the green haired boy’s hand and tell him to treat Matt well. Instead, he shoved those thoughts aside and opened his music folder to study the lyrics for the songs they were working on learning for the upcoming concert. He barely glanced over when Matt climbed the risers and took his assigned seat next to Josh.
It was hell getting through the next two classes, but somehow Josh made it. He was glad he had taken the time to smoke up that morning, otherwise he didn’t think he ever would have been able to do it without slashing his own wrists. When the bell rang, he packed up his guitar and music folder and bolted from the room, securing everything away in his locker. Josh made the decision that it had been long enough since he’d been in the next few classes, so he elected to go.
Mistake. In every class he walked into, his teachers chose to point out that he hadn’t been around in a while, causing all of his classmates to laugh at the poor loner slacker boy. Now he remembered why he avoided that shit as much as he possibly could. He was, however, grateful when the lunch bell rang, releasing him from the most boring history class he could remember sitting through. He fought enough wars of his own and didn’t need to hear about bloody battles when he was doing his best not to become a casualty by his own hand.
The next forty minutes was his lunch period and Josh wasn’t at all looking forward to that, because that was usually a designated time for both he and Matt to work on writing music together. He could sit in the cafeteria and do it by himself, but it gave him a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach and he just couldn’t do it. He chose to sit at the end of an empty table closest to the door with the third “Harry Potter” book in his hands, the words on the page barely registering. He looked up every few minutes to see Matt and the green haired boy talking intently about something over at the next table. Josh couldn’t quite hear what was being said, but it looked like an important conversation that he had to interrupt.
He stood and closed his book, stuffing it into his pocket before making his way over to the table. Suddenly, he had grown a pair and needed to talk to Matt about everything the younger boy had discovered the day before. It had been less than twenty-four hours and Josh already couldn’t take knowing that Matt was in sight but out of reach. He’d lost his best friend over his own stupid decision and he couldn’t let that go.
Matt stopped whatever he was saying mid-sentence and looked up when the older boy approached the table. Josh looked nervous and shifted from foot to foot as he spoke. “Can I…um…can I talk to you, Matt?”
Matt looked over at his new friend and shrugged. “What can I say? I’m popular as hell,” he joked. “I’ll be right back. Don’t forget what we were talking about, okay?” The other boy nodded and went back to eating his lunch.
The brunet trailed behind Josh through the cafeteria doors and out onto the football bleachers where they sat, shivering in the cold. “What the fuck, Josh? What do you want? I said everything I had to say yesterday.”
“But I didn’t.” Josh folded his arms across his chest in yet another futile attempt to keep warm, but he had gotten so thin lately that it did no good at all. “Dude, listen…please. I know, maybe I should just fuckin’ let this be…let it stay broken. I know what I’m about to tell you should probably remain unspoken. I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but…fuck…,” Josh stared down at his shoes, studying the scuffs across the toes.
“What, Josh? What? I’m fucking freezing to death out here.” Matt clenched his teeth and wrapped his own arms around his torso.
“Okay, okay, I know I jerk you around sometimes. I know I don’t always tell you the truth. I know sometimes I twist you.” Josh took a deep breath before continuing. “But, maybe I’ve been learning everything all wrong. Maybe I’m willing to admit that I’m not fucking going about any of this the right way. Maybe…maybe I dunno…”
“No, say it. What?” Matt prompted.
“Fuck, okay, maybe I’m too fucking proud to admit this sometimes, but I’d miss you if you ever walked away for good.” Josh looked over at Matt and brushed his hair back out of his eyes with a shaky hand.
“You know what you need to do, man. I meant what I said. You have to really fucking try to quit that stuff. I don’t wanna deal with it. You really need to straighten your shit out.” Matt stood his ground, firmly believing in everything he was saying.
“I know, I know. But dude…fuck…what if here and now I tell you that I’m all figured out? What if I tell you that I’ll try?” Now it was Josh who was pleading with his friend. He truly needed Matt in his life for numerous reasons, most of all, it was because he was good for Josh.
“Will you? Man, I can’t just sit back and watch you kill yourself with that. You know that, right?” Matt twisted his body to sit straddling the seat, facing Josh.
“Yeah, but I dunno…maybe I just like how that sounds. I wanna try, but, dude, you just don’t understand. I fucking need it.” Josh dug his fingers into his sides, wincing slightly at the pain he was causing for himself.
Matt frowned at Josh and shook his head. “It’s not fair, man. You can’t ask me to stick around and watch you do this shit to yourself.”
“I know,” Josh said quietly. “But, dude…okay, I know it’s beneath me. I know it’s not fair, but I have to tell you that it’s not so easy to watch you walk away. Not when we’ve spent so much fucking time together over the last two years. I can’t just wish you well and tell you to have a good life.”
“It’s not easy for me either, but it’s easier to walk away than it is to watch you ruin your life. Forget it, Josh. I’m done. Like I said, find me when you’re clean. I have to get back inside.” He stood and jogged down the bleachers. Josh watched as Matt pulled the door open and disappeared back into the building.
“Fuck!!” he screamed at the top of his lungs as he stood and started to make his way down the center stairs of the metal stands. Instead of going back inside, he went straight to the parking lot and unlocked his car. Slipping inside, he turned it on and peeled out of the parking lot, angry at Matt and angry at the new boy who had suddenly become Matt’s best friend. Mostly, though, he was angry at himself for letting things get this way.
Back in his bedroom, Josh pulled open his desk drawer and took out what was left of his heroin stash, the tinfoil, his lighter and the small cardboard tube that was in desperate need of being replaced. He set everything up and stared at it once again. It had only been four hours since he last smoked, and usually he tried to make it at least six, but this had been a bitch of a day and he needed it now more than he ever had before.
Josh knew Matt was right. He didn’t blame the younger boy in the least. If he was in Matt’s position, he’d probably walk away too, but fuck, why did it have to happen? Why did Josh have to fuck everything up so badly that he lost the one person who didn’t treat him like shit? He knew he should give up his habit, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t, no matter how much he needed to, he just didn’t want to. Nothing was enough to make him want to yet. Not when the inside of his head was such a fucking mess that he couldn’t sort it out. Maybe someday, but not now.
“Sorry, Matt. It’s just too soon,” he said quietly to himself, speaking around the tube hanging from his lips. Josh flicked the lighter on under the square of silver foil he held in his left hand and waited for the powder to liquefy once again. He inhaled the smoke until he felt his mind start to steady, then he repeated the motion two more times until he knew he’d be able to sleep through the night. If he was lucky, he’d sleep through the year, but realistically he knew he’d have to get up and face everything all over again the next morning. Even that felt too soon.