This Is a Wasteland

“I thought you said you guys broke up,” Kellin said to me, sounding a little hurt. Jaime looked like he wanted to murder Kellin. Whatever was going on it didn’t seem good.

“We did, he just came over to study for our history final tomorrow. We’re in the same class, so I thought it would be a good idea,” I explained.

“Are you seriously going back to him this quickly?” Jaime wanted to know, sounding outraged. I shook my head quickly; suddenly worried that Kellin had told him I spent most of my visit back home making out with him and cuddling him on my bed. This was fucking awkward. “Well, it seems that way- why is he randomly showing up here, huh?”

“I told you I needed a ride home because I got on the wrong bus,” Kellin chirped defensively. I sighed.

“What’s the big deal? I can give him a ride home,” I said to Jaime.

“We need to study.”

“We’ve been studying- I’m going to take Kellin home,” I said, rolling my eyes and pushing past the both of them. I got back into my room and pulled my shirt on over my head before grabbing my car keys.

“Are you seriously doing this?” Jaime wanted to know.

“Yes, I’ll see you later,” I said, brushing him off. I was pretty pissed that he was getting mad at Kellin for no reason. He had no reason to hate Kellin, right? Either way, I didn’t like it that he was being mean to him again. “Kells, let’s go.”

He silently followed me out of the room and down the hall way to the elevator. I was still peeved so I didn’t say anything the whole way down to my car.

“Are you mad at me?” Kellin finally asked after we were seated in the car. I looked over at him and sighed.

“Of course not,” I told him gently. “I’m just . . . I didn’t like seeing him trying to hit you-“

“He actually did hit me, though,” he pointed out, which just pissed me off even more.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” I moaned, throwing my head back against the headrest. Kellin shook his head. “Why the fuck would he do that?”

“I mean . . . I was egging him on a bit, I guess,” he shrugged, looking away from me.

“What did you do?” I wanted to know.

“I-um . . . please don’t get mad?” he asked, sounding a little nervous. I clenched my teeth together, waiting to hear what he had to say. He took a deep breath and continued. “Okay, so the other day I found your song note book in your room.”

I gripped the steering wheel a little harder. Had I really left that out? Crap. I mean, I had several song writing notebooks, so it didn’t necessarily mean it was the one with-

“It was the one where you taped our song to the inside front cover,” he added. Well, shit.

“Why were you looking through my stuff?” I wanted to know, trying to keep an even voice and distract him from the fact that I never really got over him. Yeah, I’d held onto the original copy of the song I wrote. Yeah, it was because it reminded me of him. I hoped he didn’t know I also kept the tab from a beer can that I found that night he first kissed me . . . or that kept the program from the talent show that had our names together. It was pretty pathetic, but to be honest, I didn’t even think about those when I let him have my room.

“It was sitting out,” he said in a small voice. “I guess . . . I guess I was just upset and feeling nostalgic, so I picked it up because it reminded me of you. . . Are you mad at me?”

“No,” I sighed. How could I stay mad at Kellin? I mean, I was really mad at him for a long time, but I don’t think I was ever as mad as I thought I was. I knew it wasn’t Kellin’s fault. I knew I still loved him.

“Well, I told Jaime about that. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was just so mad at him that I was just saying things I didn’t mean to say,” he sighed.

“Sounds familiar,” I mumbled. Kellin didn’t have the best track record with keeping his mouth shut when he was mad. I mean, he didn’t get mad very often, but still.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a small voice as he leaned back in his seat. I sighed.

“I can see why that would piss him off, but it doesn’t give him the right to get physical,” I offered. “I just . . . we’re trying the whole staying friends thing. I guess it’s not working out very well, huh?”

“What? No, don’t stop being friends with him because of me!” he exclaimed, sounding worried. I actually chuckled at that. One minute he’s being a little bitch to Jaime, and then the next he’s trying to get me to stay friends with him.

“It’s not because of you,” I assured him. “It’s because he’s obviously still getting jealous and he needs to get over it. I feel bad for breaking up with him . . . but still. Maybe we just need more time I guess. But let’s stop talking about this, okay? How was your first day of work?”

“Oh, it was okay I guess,” he shrugged. “It’s kind of boring.”

“Your boss didn’t-“

“Oh, God, no,” he moaned.

“Good. I’m serious Kellin, you gotta watch out for that guy. I don’t even know him and he sounds like bad news,” I said, feeling like I was lecturing him. What else was I supposed to say? He let the guy have his way with him in order to get the job, so who’s to say he wouldn’t ask for any other favors?

“I’ll do my best,” he sighed, staring out the window. The rest of the car ride was pretty silent. When I got to my house I dropped him off and then went straight back to school so I could get back to studying. I knew I’d have to talk to Jaime, but I really hated the idea.

However, I guess I didn’t have to, because by the time I was back in my room, he was already gone. I noticed my roommate, Craig, was sitting out on his bed on his laptop.

“Did Jaime leave?” I asked him as I locked the door behind me. Craig just let out a bored sigh and shrugged.

“I haven’t seen him,” he said, without taking his eyes off of the computer screen. I looked around the room until my eyes fell to a yellow sticky note pressed to the front of my history text book. I took the note off and read it:

I take it back; I don’t think we can be friends.

I bit my lip as a lump swelled in the back of my throat. Seeing those words hurt a hundred times more than I thought they would.

I quickly calmed myself though- I didn’t want Craig to see me cry. We were roommates and all, but we really weren’t that close. I just had to survive the rest of the week.

---

It felt like forever, but the end of the week finally came. I was done with my exams, and I was done with school. That weekend, my parents came by with Mike and Kellin to help me clean out my side of the room. It was only a few boxes of stuff, but for whatever reason they wanted to be there. I guess the extra car was helpful though.

We loaded the boxes into the back of my mom’s car, and then drove Mike and Kellin back in my car. Kellin was pretty quiet through the whole ordeal, but that may have been due to the fact that Mike wouldn’t shut up. He was talking a mile a minute about how he couldn’t believe I was already done with my first year of college, or how it wasn’t fair that we were going to the same university next year, and a bunch of other stuff. Either way, Kellin didn’t offer any input. I kept glancing back at him in the rearview mirror to see that he was just looking out of the window in a daze. I could tell something was on his mind.

“Vic are you even listening to me?” Mike said harshly. I nodded.

“Yeah, shut up, I’m trying to concentrate on driving; do you want me to kill us all?” I shot back.

“Yeah, sure,” Mike grumbled. But it wasn’t a big deal anyway, because we were home soon after that. Mike got out of the car and hurried inside, probably trying to get out of having to carry any boxes. Before getting out of the car I turned back to Kellin.

“Are you okay?” I asked him. He just shrugged without looking at me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing it’s just that . . . I mean, I haven’t found an apartment, and now you’re back from school-“he started to say, but I cut him off because I knew what he was getting at.

“I’m not going to kick you out of my room just because I’m back,” I pointed out, adding a smile. I mean, even though we hadn’t defined anything between us yet, there was an awful lot of sexual tension. We’d kissed that one time and it was great, so why wouldn’t things just escalate from there? I hoped they would anyway. Maybe not all at once, but eventually.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he offered.

“You don’t have to,” I said. He connected his eyes with mine momentarily then looked down anxiously. I tried to hide a small smile. I always did think he was cute when he was nervous. The way he twisted his mouth, and the way his light eyes misted with uncertainty. I didn’t know what it was, but it was adorable on him.

“Do you have a sleeping bag or-?”

“Kellin, just sleep in my bed, it’s not a big deal,” I chuckled, hoping he didn’t see it as moving things along too quickly. He heaved another big sigh.

“Okay, I guess that’s fine,” he said. “Thank you for not kicking me out.”

“I wouldn’t ever kick you out,” I assured him. Our conversation ended there, because my mom had just pulled into the driveway. Kellin and I both went to help bring in the boxes. I had to admit- it felt good being home from school.