This Is a Wasteland

I drove back to campus after dropping off Kellin. The whole way there I just felt weird. I didn’t expect to run into Kellin, and I certainly didn’t expect to have so many different emotions surrounding our encounter. I found myself thinking about how I hoped he’d be okay, and how I wanted to check on him and see if he needed anything. I refused to admit that it was because I still cared about him in that way though. I convinced myself that I was just having those thoughts because I wanted him to stay away. It didn’t make much sense, but it satiated my conscience.
“Hey,” Jaime said to me when I got to his dorm. I returned the gesture and sat my stuff down on the floor before joining him. He was sitting on his bed, laptop in his lap.
“What are you doing?” I asked him, leaning my head against his shoulder as I glanced at his computer screen. He was typing into Microsoft Word.
“Finishing up this essay,” He sighed, before hitting the ‘save’ button and moving his laptop to the side. He turned towards me and I lifted my head as he moved. He looked at me like he was about to say something then frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong with what?” I asked, not sure whether or not I should tell him about my run-in with Kellin. I had no idea how he’d react to that.
“You look . . . I don’t know. You look upset,” he said, giving me a sympathetic look as he placed his hand on my thigh.
“I mean, I just got fired,” I said. Luckily I had that as a good excuse. I mean, not lucky that I lost the job . . . I was still pissed about that.
“Right,” he sighed. “I’m sorry about that. Why’d he fire you?”
“Because I was late again,” I sighed.
“That’s a shitty reason to fire you that quickly,” he said, looking puzzled. “You sure there wasn’t anything else?”
“Um . . . no,” I mumbled, breaking eye contact. Jaime gave me a knowing look and suddenly I felt like a horrible person for hiding something from him. Despite our issues in the past, Jaime was nothing but nice to me. “Promise you won’t get mad?”
“Why would I get mad?” he wanted to know. I shrugged. “Well go on. I won’t get mad.”
“I ran into Kellin on my way in to work,” I said, almost robotically. Jaime raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything, so continued. “I accidentally hit him in the face with the door. And then when I realized it was him I tried to beat the shit out of him and Alex saw me.”
“Well, shit, why’d you try to beat the shit out of him? That doesn’t seem like you at all,” he said, sounding amused at how I’d confronted Kellin. I didn’t really like that he found entertainment in that, but I didn’t mention it.
“Hey, for the record, I punched you in the face once,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Hey now . . . alright continue,” he chuckled, rolling his eyes at the memory.
“Anyway, after that, he followed me to my car, begging me to talk to him,” I explained. “I tried to get him to go away, but he was too persistent . . . but then he started talking, and I kind of feel bad for him. Today’s his eighteenth birthday and he practically got disowned by his parents and wanted me to drop him off at a friend’s house.”
“So . . . he’s homeless?” Jaime asked, sounding surprised.
“I guess, I don’t know,” I said, staring at the floor. Jaime cupped his hand under my chin and brought me back so that I was looking at him.
“Hey, don’t let this get to you okay? I know he hurt you, and I won’t let him hurt you again,” he said, before leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. I wanted to kiss him back, but I also wanted to cry. I wanted to be happy in my relationship with Jaime, but now that I knew Kellin was just a phone call away, it was hard to be fully invested.
God, what was I doing? I had only just seen him and I was already thinking these things. It wasn’t fair. He hurt me, and I wanted to stay mad at him forever. He didn’t deserve me . . . did he?
*Kellin’s POV*
Over the past year I had gotten really good at hiding my emotions. I used that whole ‘fake it till you make it’ thing as a motto. It really came in handy as I rode to Justin’s house in the passenger seat of Vic’s car. All I wanted to do was break down and cry and kiss him and apologize a million times, hoping he’d just take me back. But that was just a crazy fantasy.
He knew that I was on my own now, but he didn’t know the entire truth. I told him I’d be staying at Justin’s but the reality of it was that I couldn’t stay there very long. In a couple of weeks his grandmother would be moving in, and she was going to take the room Justin was giving me. I was hoping Vic would show more concern for me, but I guess not. I wouldn’t have even had a way to contact him after this car ride anyway. I didn’t deserve the concern either I guess.
“So I guess I’ll see you around?” I said, cautiously, as I pushed open the door once he had stopped in the driveway. He shrugged and mumbled something in response. I bit the inside of my cheek as a way to try and suppress my emotions. He still wouldn’t even look at me and to say that it destroyed me inside would have been an understatement. I sighed and stepped out of the car, ready to leave.
“Well . . . bye,” I said. I had to whisper it for fear that if I said it out loud I’d end up bursting into tears. I was just about to shut the car door when he suddenly stopped me.
“Wait,” he said, quickly. My heart leapt a little as I watched him scribble something down on a piece of paper. He handed the scrap to me, and I was surprised to see a phone number scrawled across it. “I have a new number. Um, just let me know if you need anything?”
“Thanks,” I said quietly, a smile tugging at my lips. I took a deep breath and finally shut the door. At least I could walk away with a little hope, right?
I knocked on Justin’s front door as Vic drove away.
“Hey, man,” Justin said when he answered. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Yeah, I know,” I chuckled nervously. I hadn’t seen Justin in forever, but we still talked. To be honest, I hadn’t talked to anyone at that school since I was there last. I never really made friends when my parents sent me to private school, which left Justin as my only option, really. Even if Vic wanted to associate with me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to stay with him, either with the college dorms and all.
“Come in, I’ll show you where you can stay,” he said, taking my duffle bag as he led me across the living room and down a hallway. He pointed to a room on his right and told me it was his room, before pushing open the door right across from it. “And your room is going to be here.”
“Thanks,” I said, stepping inside. It was a simple room. There were white carpets and a full-sized bed with light green sheets, along with a matching dresser and desk. “It means a lot, Justin, it really does.”
“No problem, I’ve got your back,” he said, slinging the duffle bag onto the bed. “How’ve you been?”
“I’ve been better,” I shrugged, trying to play it off as no big deal, when really all I wanted to do was crawl under the bed and cry until I was numb.
“I bet . . . how did your mom react when you said you were leaving?” he wanted to know, seating himself on the edge of the bed.
“Not well, obviously. We got into an argument-“
“Not a surprise,” he chuckled. I rolled my eyes, knowing that I had told him about the many arguments I’d had with my mom over the past year. Ever since my breakdown over a year ago, everything in my life had completely fallen apart. I lost Vic because of my mom, I was forced to go to this ultra-religious private school because of my mom. Not to mention that at said private school, she made a point to tell administration that I was gay so that they could try to convince me otherwise. Needless to say, it was horrible. She tightened her grip on me, but the only difference was that I wasn’t afraid to talk back to her. She’d already taken away the best thing to ever happen to me- what more could she really do? Arguments started off small, but towards the end, they were all-out screaming matches. A couple of weeks ago one of the neighbors had called the police because of all the noise.
“Anyway, we got into an argument, and she threatened to call the police, but I told her that she couldn’t do that because I’m a legal adult now,” I explained. “So she told me that if I leave, she’s disowning me and that I can never come back.”
“Well shit,” he said. “That’s really . . . that sucks, man.”
“Yeah . . . but it’s better than living there,” I shrugged.
“What are you going to do now?” he wanted to know.
“I’m going to try to get a job,” I sighed . “I guess I have to find an apartment or something, too.”
“Well, I hope that goes well and all . . . let me know if you need a ride anywhere while you’re here. I don’t know how much I can help you out, but I’ll try at least,” he offered. I smiled and thanked him. We talked a little while longer before we heard the sounds of the front door opening, meaning his parents were home. He lead my out of my room to meet them. It went well I guess. His parents seemed nice enough, but I didn’t really click with them. I guess it was okay though- I would be out of their hair soon.
I ate dinner with them and after Justin gave me a clean tower and showed me to the bathroom so that I could have a shower. After that, I decided to turn in early. I checked my phone to find that it had already been disconnected, and threw it across the room towards my bag. I pulled the covers over my head and the tears just started flowing. This whole walking out thing was supposed to feel empowering, but instead it felt horrible. I’m pretty sure I cried myself to sleep that night.