This Is a Wasteland
Chapter 5
*Vic’s POV*
I don’t know how long I sat there for, but it was long enough for me to need to adjust to a more comfortable position. Without even really thinking about what we were doing, I somehow found myself in the passenger seat with Kellin. He was practically in my lap as I held him. He eventually stopped crying so hard, but he didn’t let go. His shaking stopped and I listened as his breathing slowed.
I found myself relaxing, too. I had almost forgotten how much I liked holding him. Wait, I didn’t forget that- I always knew that I liked holding him. I like the way he clung to me, I liked the way his hair would fall across his face- I even liked the smell of him while he was close. It wasn’t that I had forgotten- it was that I missed it.
And just like that I felt sad. I shouldn’t have been thinking like that.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked, after a long period of silence.
“I don’t know,” he whispered, shifting a little. He didn’t let go though. “I just . . . something happened today and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“What happened?” I asked him, keeping my voice as comforting as I possibly could. He shrugged against me. “You can tell me.”
“You’ll judge me,” he said, simply.
“I promise I won’t.”
There was another long period of silence before he finally spoke.
“I got a job,” he said, barely above a whisper. How was that a bad thing?
“And?” I prompted, assuming there was more to the story than that.
“I . . . “ he trailed off, sounding like he was going to cry again. “I didn’t want to . . . but I wanted the job because it has a good pay rate- and I want to find a place to live and-“
“Whoa, slow down,” I said, holding him a little closer as I noticed he was starting to tremble again. “Tell me one thing at a time so I can understand you.”
“The guy in charge told me he’d only give the job if I had sex with him,” he finally said. I froze, not expecting him to say something like that. I was about to ask if he did or not, but then I remembered he said he got the job . . . well, fuck. I don’t know why, but it pissed me off so much to hear that he was with someone else. I didn’t want anybody else to see him in the way that I had. I had to stop myself from getting too worked up because it really was unreasonable. I had no reason to be jealous. Hell, I was a hypocrite, because I had been with Jaime a number of times since Kellin. It was never the same, though.
“Why would you agree to that? That can’t be legal-“
“It’s probably not, but I wanted the job,” he explained, sounding sad. “It’s the only job I could find that would pay more than enough for me to get by on my own.”
“But you have Justin, right?” Where was Justin when this was happening? I didn’t know the kid very well, but it made me mad that this happened when he was living under his roof. Obviously it wasn’t Justin’s fault, but part of me wanted to pin the blame on him.
“I have to leave soon because his grandma’s moving in,” he shrugged. “I just . . . I don’t know what to do.”
“Quit the job,” I suggested.
“I can’t,” he whined. “I haven’t even started yet and I really need the money. . . he said he wouldn’t make me do it again, but I don’t know if I believe that.”
“I wouldn’t,” I grumbled.
“Are you mad at me?” he wanted to know. I shook my head.
“It’s not your fault,” I told him.
“I just . . . I feel violated,” he confessed. “And it didn’t feel good, either . . .”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, to be honest. I kind of wanted to find this sleaze ball and punch him in the face for taking advantage of Kellin. My mind started wandering to my last conversation that I had with him. I wasn’t very nice to him. Why did he call me of all people? Why couldn’t he just cry to Justin?
“Kellin,” I said, gently. “Why did you call me?”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “You were the first person I thought of.”
“Why though?”
“I was thinking about you today . . . while I was in that office. I closed my eyes and pretended it was you doing it to me and it made things a little easier . . . but now it’s just . . .” he took a deep breath, unable to finish his sentence.
He thought about me?
“What is it?”
“It’s heartbreaking,” he said, his voice wavering. “I just wanted it to be you so badly, and then I realized it wasn’t – I had sex with someone else and it was some sick pervert! It just made me realize how much I miss you.
“I miss you too,” I found myself saying.
“You’re with Jaime now,” he reminded me. I frowned, but mainly because I was just so conflicted. I liked what Jaime and I had- I really did. But the thing was, I didn’t love it. I loved what I had with Kellin. He was perfect.
“I know,” I choked, thinking about how he was in my bed still. What if he woke up and wondered where I was? Either way, I was suddenly just overcome with so many emotions that I wasn’t even filtering what I was saying anymore. “I don’t want him though.”
“Yes you do,” Kellin insisted, almost emotionless. I just wrapped my arms around him tighter. “Don’t throw it away.”
“I missed you so much Kellin,” I said again. “You hurt me, but I still want you. I’ve always wanted you- and I just- I can’t get you off of my mind, okay? Jaime gets mad at me because of it.”
“What do you do that makes him mad?” he wanted to know. I felt like I probably said too much. I took a deep breath as Kellin slowly moved into a sitting position. We repositioned again so that I was fully seated in the passenger seat and Kellin was half on my lap, but facing me as he leaned against the dash. I instinctively reached out for his hands, and he let me take them.
“Sometimes . . . sometimes I say your name,” I said, averting my eyes from him.
“In what context?”
“While we’re having sex,” I breathed, anxiously. He let out a long sigh.
“Vic . . . “he said, sounding concerned. “I don’t want you to ruin what you have. You have a good life- I’m the one that needs to get their shit together.”
“I need to get my shit together, too,” I said, quickly drying stray tears on my sleeve. “We can get our shit together . . . together.”
“Jaime can help you-“
“No he can’t!” I finally shouted. “He can’t help me!”
Kellin just stared at me, a little startled that I yelled. I took a moment to steady breathing and organize my thoughts at least a little bit. I was with Jaime, yes, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I still had pretty intense feelings for Kellin.
“You’re the one who broke me,” I said, sadly. “You have to put me back together.”
I rested my head against his knee and finally just let out all the sobbing I’d been holding back. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I just wanted him to be in my life again- no trials, no other boyfriends, no devious bosses, no trying to make ends meet. I just wanted to go back to the times when we’d be laughing with each other in my room, writing random song lyrics and enjoying ourselves. I wanted to be able to kiss him again, and have him kiss me back. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him how cute he was. Everything.
“Can you take me back to Justin’s?” he asked softly. I sat up.
“It’s after midnight, Kellin,” I reminded him. “I’d have to go across town.”
“Yeah,” he breathed. “I’m sorry . . . I just. I don’t know if the bus to go back runs this late.”
“Just . . . come back with me. My roommate isn’t home, you can sleep in his bed and I’ll take you home in the morning,” I explained. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but I was getting tired. I dried my eyes once again and switched back into the driver’s seat before driving back.
We arrived at the dorms closer to one in the morning than midnight. No one was around, so I had no problem sneaking Kellin up the stairs, even though we technically weren’t supposed to have random people staying over. He made a comment about how big the building was, but we didn’t make conversation other than that. I showed him to my dorm and quietly went in.
“Be quiet,” I reminded him, realizing that I didn’t tell him Jaime was over. I flicked on a small lamp, knowing that he wouldn’t wake up- he was a pretty heavy sleeper. I noticed Kellin’s eyes falling upon Jaime’s sleeping form in my bed. He turned away from me, looking sad.
“I’m guessing it’s that one?” he said, pointing to the empty bed. I nodded and watched as he crawled into the bed and laid down. I sighed to myself, crawling into the other bed with Jaime, where he immediately adjusted in his sleep so that his arm was around me again. This felt weird, but it would have to do.
I turned off the light and went to sleep, hoping the drama in the morning wouldn’t be too bad.
I don’t know how long I sat there for, but it was long enough for me to need to adjust to a more comfortable position. Without even really thinking about what we were doing, I somehow found myself in the passenger seat with Kellin. He was practically in my lap as I held him. He eventually stopped crying so hard, but he didn’t let go. His shaking stopped and I listened as his breathing slowed.
I found myself relaxing, too. I had almost forgotten how much I liked holding him. Wait, I didn’t forget that- I always knew that I liked holding him. I like the way he clung to me, I liked the way his hair would fall across his face- I even liked the smell of him while he was close. It wasn’t that I had forgotten- it was that I missed it.
And just like that I felt sad. I shouldn’t have been thinking like that.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked, after a long period of silence.
“I don’t know,” he whispered, shifting a little. He didn’t let go though. “I just . . . something happened today and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“What happened?” I asked him, keeping my voice as comforting as I possibly could. He shrugged against me. “You can tell me.”
“You’ll judge me,” he said, simply.
“I promise I won’t.”
There was another long period of silence before he finally spoke.
“I got a job,” he said, barely above a whisper. How was that a bad thing?
“And?” I prompted, assuming there was more to the story than that.
“I . . . “ he trailed off, sounding like he was going to cry again. “I didn’t want to . . . but I wanted the job because it has a good pay rate- and I want to find a place to live and-“
“Whoa, slow down,” I said, holding him a little closer as I noticed he was starting to tremble again. “Tell me one thing at a time so I can understand you.”
“The guy in charge told me he’d only give the job if I had sex with him,” he finally said. I froze, not expecting him to say something like that. I was about to ask if he did or not, but then I remembered he said he got the job . . . well, fuck. I don’t know why, but it pissed me off so much to hear that he was with someone else. I didn’t want anybody else to see him in the way that I had. I had to stop myself from getting too worked up because it really was unreasonable. I had no reason to be jealous. Hell, I was a hypocrite, because I had been with Jaime a number of times since Kellin. It was never the same, though.
“Why would you agree to that? That can’t be legal-“
“It’s probably not, but I wanted the job,” he explained, sounding sad. “It’s the only job I could find that would pay more than enough for me to get by on my own.”
“But you have Justin, right?” Where was Justin when this was happening? I didn’t know the kid very well, but it made me mad that this happened when he was living under his roof. Obviously it wasn’t Justin’s fault, but part of me wanted to pin the blame on him.
“I have to leave soon because his grandma’s moving in,” he shrugged. “I just . . . I don’t know what to do.”
“Quit the job,” I suggested.
“I can’t,” he whined. “I haven’t even started yet and I really need the money. . . he said he wouldn’t make me do it again, but I don’t know if I believe that.”
“I wouldn’t,” I grumbled.
“Are you mad at me?” he wanted to know. I shook my head.
“It’s not your fault,” I told him.
“I just . . . I feel violated,” he confessed. “And it didn’t feel good, either . . .”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, to be honest. I kind of wanted to find this sleaze ball and punch him in the face for taking advantage of Kellin. My mind started wandering to my last conversation that I had with him. I wasn’t very nice to him. Why did he call me of all people? Why couldn’t he just cry to Justin?
“Kellin,” I said, gently. “Why did you call me?”
“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “You were the first person I thought of.”
“Why though?”
“I was thinking about you today . . . while I was in that office. I closed my eyes and pretended it was you doing it to me and it made things a little easier . . . but now it’s just . . .” he took a deep breath, unable to finish his sentence.
He thought about me?
“What is it?”
“It’s heartbreaking,” he said, his voice wavering. “I just wanted it to be you so badly, and then I realized it wasn’t – I had sex with someone else and it was some sick pervert! It just made me realize how much I miss you.
“I miss you too,” I found myself saying.
“You’re with Jaime now,” he reminded me. I frowned, but mainly because I was just so conflicted. I liked what Jaime and I had- I really did. But the thing was, I didn’t love it. I loved what I had with Kellin. He was perfect.
“I know,” I choked, thinking about how he was in my bed still. What if he woke up and wondered where I was? Either way, I was suddenly just overcome with so many emotions that I wasn’t even filtering what I was saying anymore. “I don’t want him though.”
“Yes you do,” Kellin insisted, almost emotionless. I just wrapped my arms around him tighter. “Don’t throw it away.”
“I missed you so much Kellin,” I said again. “You hurt me, but I still want you. I’ve always wanted you- and I just- I can’t get you off of my mind, okay? Jaime gets mad at me because of it.”
“What do you do that makes him mad?” he wanted to know. I felt like I probably said too much. I took a deep breath as Kellin slowly moved into a sitting position. We repositioned again so that I was fully seated in the passenger seat and Kellin was half on my lap, but facing me as he leaned against the dash. I instinctively reached out for his hands, and he let me take them.
“Sometimes . . . sometimes I say your name,” I said, averting my eyes from him.
“In what context?”
“While we’re having sex,” I breathed, anxiously. He let out a long sigh.
“Vic . . . “he said, sounding concerned. “I don’t want you to ruin what you have. You have a good life- I’m the one that needs to get their shit together.”
“I need to get my shit together, too,” I said, quickly drying stray tears on my sleeve. “We can get our shit together . . . together.”
“Jaime can help you-“
“No he can’t!” I finally shouted. “He can’t help me!”
Kellin just stared at me, a little startled that I yelled. I took a moment to steady breathing and organize my thoughts at least a little bit. I was with Jaime, yes, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I still had pretty intense feelings for Kellin.
“You’re the one who broke me,” I said, sadly. “You have to put me back together.”
I rested my head against his knee and finally just let out all the sobbing I’d been holding back. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I just wanted him to be in my life again- no trials, no other boyfriends, no devious bosses, no trying to make ends meet. I just wanted to go back to the times when we’d be laughing with each other in my room, writing random song lyrics and enjoying ourselves. I wanted to be able to kiss him again, and have him kiss me back. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him how cute he was. Everything.
“Can you take me back to Justin’s?” he asked softly. I sat up.
“It’s after midnight, Kellin,” I reminded him. “I’d have to go across town.”
“Yeah,” he breathed. “I’m sorry . . . I just. I don’t know if the bus to go back runs this late.”
“Just . . . come back with me. My roommate isn’t home, you can sleep in his bed and I’ll take you home in the morning,” I explained. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but I was getting tired. I dried my eyes once again and switched back into the driver’s seat before driving back.
We arrived at the dorms closer to one in the morning than midnight. No one was around, so I had no problem sneaking Kellin up the stairs, even though we technically weren’t supposed to have random people staying over. He made a comment about how big the building was, but we didn’t make conversation other than that. I showed him to my dorm and quietly went in.
“Be quiet,” I reminded him, realizing that I didn’t tell him Jaime was over. I flicked on a small lamp, knowing that he wouldn’t wake up- he was a pretty heavy sleeper. I noticed Kellin’s eyes falling upon Jaime’s sleeping form in my bed. He turned away from me, looking sad.
“I’m guessing it’s that one?” he said, pointing to the empty bed. I nodded and watched as he crawled into the bed and laid down. I sighed to myself, crawling into the other bed with Jaime, where he immediately adjusted in his sleep so that his arm was around me again. This felt weird, but it would have to do.
I turned off the light and went to sleep, hoping the drama in the morning wouldn’t be too bad.