This Is a Wasteland

*Kellin’s POV*
I thought having to wake up to see Jaime and Vic in bed together was awkward. But that was nothing compared to the awkwardness I felt later that night. Vic had brought me to his parents’ house when I discovered that I wouldn’t be able to stay with Justin anymore. I had not been to his house since . . . well since that night before the incident at the talent show.

And now I was back in their dining room, sitting across from his parents and sitting next to his brother as we ate dinner. Don’t get me wrong, it was a very nice gesture. I was a little jealous of Vic when it came to how warm and accepting his family was. I always wondered how they’d reacted to him being gay, but I guess it wasn’t anything bad. It was still awkward, though. They were my ex-boyfriends family, and the last time I saw them was in court when officials decided to charge him with statutory rape. I always hated that that happened, though. He really didn’t do anything wrong- he just got screwed by the system and, well, me. I still blamed myself.

“Do you want anything else?” Mrs. Fuentes asked me when she noticed that my plate was empty. I offered a genuine smile and shook my head.

“No, thank you,” I replied. “It was very good, though.”

“So what are you up to these days, Kellin?” Mr. Fuentes asked. “Vic told us about your . . . situation a bit.”

“Yeah,” I breathed. “It sucks, but I’m sure I’ll be okay. I graduated early and I got a job, my next step is to find an apartment.”

“Well just know that you can stay here as long as you need to,” he offered. “We don’t turn people away or pass judgment for personal choices.”

I knew it was a dig at my mom, but I didn’t really care. I guess we had that in common- we all hated her.
“I appreciate that,” I said, softly.

“I wish I graduated early,” Mike grumbled. “High school is hell.”

“Oh, Mike, stop complaining, you’re almost done,” his mother said, shaking her head.
“Then I’ll go to college across the country,” he explained.

“You’ve already committed here,” his mom reminded him. I assumed she was referring to the same state school that Vic was at. Mike shrugged.

“Yeah, but that’s like an extension of high school,” he pointed out. “Vic has like, no new friends. All he does is study and get it on with his boyfriend.”

I tensed at the last part as Mrs. Fuentes scolded him for referencing sex at the dinner table. I tuned out for a minute, just kind of contemplating what Mike said about Vic. I mean, I felt bad- why didn’t he have friends besides Jaime? I mean, he never was extremely social but really? Vic was a likeable guy.
Then I found myself feeling depressed as I realized how much time that meant Vic spent with Jaime. How long had they been going out? Did he ever mention that? I couldn’t remember, but either way it made me realize that they probably had sex a lot. The realization hurt more than I thought it would.

“Kellin,” I heard Mike say, snapping me out of my daze. I jumped and came back to reality, noticing that they were all staring at me. “Dude, are you alright? You just kind of zoned out.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, quickly, then stood up. “Can I excuse myself? It’s been a long day and I think I should turn in for the night.”

“Go ahead dear, you’re excused,” his mom said, sweetly. I thanked her and cleared my dishes before hurrying upstairs to Vic’s room. I closed and locked the door behind me before really taking in my surroundings. Everything was so painfully familiar that I almost wanted to just run back downstairs.
Instead, I slowly walked forward and sat down on his bed in the dark. I reached over and turned on the lamp that was on the bedside table so that I could see. I was about to change into pajamas and lie down when something caught my eye. It was the steno pad thing that Vic wrote songs in- just sitting on the desk chair. I frowned, wondering why he didn’t have it with him at college. I knew I shouldn’t have but I reached for it and took it back with me to the bed.

The book looked relatively new, so I guessed he must have used up the old one. I flipped the cover back, and I noticed that there was something taped to the inside of it. It was some sort of folded up piece of paper. I carefully peeled back a little bit of the tape to try and see what it was. Once I had successfully removed the tape, I unfolded the paper and immediately noticed it was something written by two people. One set of handwriting belonged to Vic and the other was my own handwriting. I bit my lip and re-taped the paper and put the book back where I found it.

He’d kept the song we’d written together. He’d kept the original copy all folded and taped up. I felt tears welling in my eyes as I laid back onto the pillow. That didn’t make me feel any better. The thing about sleeping in Vic’s room was that his bed still smelled like him.

At this point, the tears were really flowing and instead of running away I just pulled the covers over me, pressing my face against the pillow. As much as it hurt, his scent was comforting and I wanted more of it. I inhaled deeply as I shook, my emotions taking over.

This wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want to lie here missing him. The only way I wanted to be back in his bed was if he was right there with me. No matter what he did or said or anything that was all that I wanted. I just wanted him.

*Vic’s POV*

I just kind of laid there as Jaime kissed hungrily down my neck, leaving a trail of hickeys that I barely felt. I had my hands draped around him, but that was really all.

“God, I just can’t get enough of you,” he said, in a low and seductive voice.

“Okay,” I whispered, staring up at the ceiling. It wasn’t like I was completely against having sex with him, it was just that my mind was completely somewhere else- on someone else.

“Babe, come on, what’s wrong?” he moaned, sitting up and leaning back on his knees. He looked frustrated. I just shrugged.

“I’m tired,” I lied. I mean, it wasn’t completely a lie- it just wasn’t the entire truth.

“You’re thinking about something,” he said, almost accusingly. I sat up and sighed. “Vic, you know you can tell me if something’s bothering you.”

But the thing was, I couldn’t tell him. Telling him what I was thinking would break his heart and I couldn’t handle doing that. I knew what it was like to have my heart broken and it fucking sucked. I knew Jaime liked me a hell of a lot more than I liked him . . . it wasn’t fair to either of us.

“No I can’t,” I choked, staring down at the space between us. He sighed and moved closer to me, putting an arm across my shoulders, which really just made things worse.

“Yes, you can,” he whispered. His voice was lower and softer now. “Even if I don’t like what I hear- you can tell me. I care about you, Vic.”

“I know,” I whispered. I had to keep my voice low because I knew if I increased volume at all I would start crying like a baby. I didn’t want to do this, even though I knew it was the right thing to do.

“Please tell me?”

“I don’t . . . I-“ I started off a blubbering mess, so I took another minute to calm myself down before I finally just said it. “I don’t love you anymore.”

The look on his face was the worst thing I had ever witnessed. He looked like someone had just stabbed him in the gut, or like- well he looked like the guy he loved just told him the feeling wasn’t mutual. I felt horrible.

“That’s . . . “he mumbled, trailing off as he pulled away from me and stood up.

“Jaime, I’m so sorry I wish I-“

“It’s okay,” he said sadly. “I guess I knew it was coming.”

“How?” I wanted to know. He shrugged.

“I’ve always been more into it,” he mumbled. “Plus I knew our days were numbered as soon as Kellin showed up.”

“That’s-“

“I should go,” he choked, pulling his pants and shirt back on. I watched wordlessly as he finished re-clothing himself and walked out the door, passive-aggressively slamming it behind him. I felt my throat swelling as I held back tears.

But then I realized I was alone, and that no one was there to see me cry anyway. I pulled my covers back over my head and just let the tears come. It wasn’t long before I was crying heavily into my pillow, waiting for sleep to come and end the hurt for a little while.