This Is a Wasteland

*Vic’s POV*
I managed to get through the night even though I felt groggy and stiff. My eyes were still sore from crying so much. The last time I cried that hard was the night Kellin’s mom had me arrested. At least I knew nothing would top that as far as horrible nights went. I forced myself to get out of bed, though.

It was Sunday, meaning it was my last day to study before exams started. As much as everything sucked, I wasn’t about to let this ruin my good semester. I was actually doing well in school.
After I ate a granola bar for breakfast, I sat myself down at my little desk with my laptop and all of my folders and notebooks. I guess I could have gone to the dining hall for breakfast, but I didn’t want to run the risk of running into Jaime. I knew I’d really hurt him and I felt horrible for it. I didn’t even know what I was thinking when I did that, because it wasn’t like I was going to let myself just run back to Kellin.

I guess I had told him that I wanted him back, but I wasn’t thinking straight. No matter what I wanted, we had to take things slow- if we were going to take things anywhere at all. We were still broken and I didn’t know how we would ever make up.

I had gotten through about half of what I wanted to get done when my mom called.

“Hello?” I asked, surprising myself with how hoarse my voice sounded.

“Vic? Are you okay, you sound sick,” she said, sounding concerned. I sighed.

“I’m not sick,” I told her.

“You sound awful,” she said, stating the obvious. “What’s wrong?”

Over the past year I’d grown even closer to my mom, so I guess Kellin and I were opposites in that respect. She made it clear after she found out that I had been hiding my relationship from her that she didn’t want me to ever be afraid to tell her anything ever again.

“I broke up with Jaime,” I told her. Saying it out loud made it seem more definite, more final. No matter how much I still liked Kellin, I actually did have feelings for Jaime at one point. Maybe they weren’t very strong, but I still hated to have upset him.

“Aw, honey,” she cooed. “Why did you do that?”

“It just doesn’t feel right being with him,” I explained. “I know that sounds stupid, but I just . . . I don’t know.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid. If things don’t feel right, you can’t just keep dragging it out, you know? I’m sure Jaime will understand that, even if he doesn’t right now. It’s much better than leading someone on,” she said, rationalizing my actions for me. I guess that made me feel a little better. “Jaime was a nice boy, but I’m sure you’ll find someone else.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled. I wasn’t sure how she’d react if I told her that I was already thinking about someone else. “I, um . . . I still have feelings for Kellin.”

“Obviously,” she responded, surprising me. I guess she really did know me way better than I thought she did. It was great but kind of crazy at the same time.

“You knew?”

“Yes, why else would you ask us to let him stay in your room while he looks for an apartment?” she wanted to know.

“I don’t know, because I’m a decent human being?”

“Why was he with you yesterday in the first place?”

“Because I let him stay in my room-“

“Victor-“

“Not like that! Jaime was there too – and no, not like that either,” I said as she made a ‘tsk’ sound. I moaned in frustration. “But that was only because he called me late the night before because he needed help.”

“And you went to help him?” she wanted to know.

“Of course,” I responded. “Because I’m a decent person.”

“Honey, listen to me. You obviously still have it bad for this boy, and there is nothing you do that will convince me otherwise. You went out of your way to help him when he needed it, you let him stay with you, and now you’re providing him with housing here until he can get back on his feet. You made a conscious decision to give him your contact information, so on some level you wanted him to call you,” she explained, ranting to me about my own feelings. All she did was confirm how I felt. “Now, that being said, I don’t want you to rush into anything. Kellin is a sweetheart and as long as his mother is not in the picture, I have no problem with you reestablishing connections with him. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I’ll do my best,” I told her. “So why did you call? I’m studying for exams.”

“Oh, right, I was just calling to see if you needed anything from the grocery store this week. If you do just let me know and I can bring it to you- unless you want to come over for dinner,” she offered. I fumbled for a shopping list I had made the day before and rattled off the items on it for her. “So are you going to come over to pick these up or do you want me to bring them to you?”

“Um,” I said, thinking. It would be nice to have a good home-cooked meal before exam week. My mom always made the best comfort food. Well, that and it would be an excuse to see Kellin again. “I’ll come over.”

“Great, I can’t wait to see you, honey,” she said. “Love you.”

“Love you too, mom . . . bye,” I said, before hanging up. I sighed and set my phone back onto the desk. I was about to go back to studying when someone knocked on my door.

“Who is it?” I yelled, too lazy to get up and answer the door. Instead of answering, the person just walked right in. I sighed. It was Jaime. “Oh . . . hey.”

“Not exactly the greeting I was hoping for,” he shrugged as he closed the door behind him. I gave him a questioning look. “I mean, I guess I was hoping that you were in some kind of funk last night.”

“And you thought I’d be over it by now?” I asked him. He nodded slowly. “Look, Jaime, I’m really sorry. I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am.”

“I know, I bet you are,” he nodded. “It just really sucks.”

“I’m sorry,” I offered again.

“Stop apologizing,” he snapped. I jumped a little and he seated himself on the edge of my bed. “I guess I just want to know . . . did I do something wrong? You don’t hate me do you?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t hate you at all. I just don’t-“

“Please don’t say it again,” he begged, sounding pained. I guess it really hurt him when I said I didn’t love him anymore. Of course it hurt him. “I guess . . . can we still be friends? I mean, we’ve been just friends before.”

“Yeah, that was a long time ago,” I responded, remembering back to our friendship before he started hating me in high school. “I guess we could be friends.”

“Friends with benefits?” he asked, wriggling his eyebrows to show that he was just kidding. I knew he was the type to gloss over the serious stuff like this. When he hated me, he glossed it over with anger, but when he didn’t, he glossed over it with humor.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I laughed.

“I was joking,” he shrugged. “But . . .yeah. I just wanted to make sure we could still be okay with each other.”

“Wow, over me already?” I said, chuckling nervously. I mean, I guess I didn’t really care but come on.

“Nah, I don’t think I’ll be over you anytime soon,” he said, switching back to being serious for a moment. “But it helps that I don’t have to cut you out of my life.”

“Thanks for not being mad at me,” I said, forcing him a smile.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to beat you up,” he said, joking a little darkly about our spotted history. “I’m kidding.”

“I know,” I assured him, before turning back to my desk. “Well, I need to get back to studying- I’m sure you do too.”

“Yeah,” he said standing up. He gave me an awkward hug before heading to the door and leaving.

Finally, I was left in piece to finish up my studying.

Well, peace from the outside world anyway. Once I was alone again, all I could think about was seeing Kellin later. What would he say when he finds out that I broke up with Jaime? Not that I was planning anything, but maybe it would just be a step in the right direction for once.