Over Again

I sighed and hoisted the sleepy brown haired toddler onto my hip, rushing down the stairs two at a time.

“Baby, you have to wake up, okay?” She grunted in response and I bit back a laugh. Like father like daughter.

I brought her into the kitchen where Harry was at the stove, making pancakes and bacon for breakfast. I sat her down at the island and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his middle.

“Morning, Hazza.” I mumbled tiredly.

He spun around placed a kiss gently on my lips.

“Morning, Bails.” He replied, turning back around and flipping the pancakes onto plates for us. He turned off the stovetop and brought the pancakes over to us, kissing our daughter’s hair on the way to his seat. “Morning Princess.” He greeted our 5 year old.

She grunted again and Harry sighed.

“You’re spending the day with Uncle Louis today, you should be happy.” I told our daughter. Immediately, she perked up.

“Really?” She asked. I nodded my head vigorously and smiled, despite the day.

As if on cue, Louis showed up at the door and she ran to him, jumping into his arms. I smiled and hugged my best friend.

“Thanks for coming. We won’t be gone long.”

Louis saluted me and smiled sadly.

“Tell her hi for me, yeah?”

I nodded and kissed his cheek as Harry and I departed the house, driving the all familiar route to the cemetery. I sighed when I saw Liam already there. He greeted us with a simple hug. No words were exchanged for a little while, until I looked down and started speaking to my sister’s grave.

“Well, Soph, happy birthday. It’s been a few years now without you, but I’ll be damned if I don’t talk to you on your birthday. We’ve been through a lot of shit since you left us, you know that? So much shit. More shit than any group of 20 something year olds should go through. But with the shit came the good. It strengthened our bond as a family. I got Harry as my husband and a beautiful daughter. I hope somewhere you’re laughing because we named her after you. You are the reason I came here and found my love and my purpose and my family, and I just wish you could be around to see me happy.” Harry came over and wrapped an arm around my waist, kissing my cheek, and Liam came up beside me, holding my hand. “I wish you could see how beautiful and smart your own daughters turned out to be. But they’re in good hands here with Li, I promise. Another year without you, but you’re not forgotten. Oh, and Louis says hi. The cheeky idiot wanted to make sure I said that. Okay, love you, big sis. Happy birthday.”

I kissed my hand and placed it gently on my sister’s headstone, and the three of us stood there for what felt like a really long time in silence.

I reflected upon the last years of my life, the ones with and without my sister, and realized that they all served to strengthen me, to make me a better person.

As I felt the warm embrace of my husband on one side of me and the warm hand of my best friend on the other, I knew with great certainty, for the first time in my life, that I would be okay.