Secret Smiles in the Snow

“What’s going on?” Sina asked cautiously as she met Jon in his quarters. He was still dressed for outside weather and he had such a grim look on his face. In his arms was a black bag pulled shut with a rope.

“You’re leaving,” Jon answered simply, though his tone revealed some of his dismay.

“Pardon?” Sina breathed with confusion. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No. No, it’s not that,” Jon sighed as he diverted his gaze to his feet. “You were only supposed to be here for a short amount of time until I could find a safer option. Now I have, and you need to go.” Sina suddenly felt breathless. His words were like a knife slowly piercing her guts and causing them to ache with sorrow. She had completely forgotten about that promise ever since they had kissed. That action had seemed to annul the prospect of her leaving.

“Jon, I…” Sina started, hesitating as tears rose and threatened to spill onto her cheeks. She took in a shaky breath and tried again. “I love you, I can’t leave you, not now.”

“But what good does your love do? We can never marry or have children, and I’m not supposed to have a woman in my life. I’m the Lord Commander, I must be focused and set a good example,” Jon explained, reciting the somewhat of a speech he had prepared earlier. As he spoke he occasionally looked up at Sina’s eyes, but her heartbreak was written all across her face and it pained him incredibly to see her feeling that way. It wasn’t fair in the slightest. Love was supposed to have a happy ending, and he was throwing his away. “You’ve been here for almost a year, Sina. It needs to end.” Jon’s voice now trembled and Sina could no longer hold back her weeping. Feeling helpless, Jon dropped the bag and embraced Sina, letting her dampen the cloak over his shoulder with her tears.

“Where am I going, then? Can I visit you?” Sina sobbed as she clutched onto Jon’s torso.

“Sam and I decided that White Harbour would be best for you. It’s large enough for you to blend in and start new,” he replied, taking a pause to muster up the confidence to answer her second question. “And no, you cannot visit. I will not leave my post here, either.” Sina winced and her crying intensified.

“This is it, then? You’re really doing this and we’re never seeing each other again?” she asked for confirmation, a part of her still holding onto the hope that he would change his mind.

“This is it,” Jon nodded, hardly believing he was saying the words. He continued to hold Sina until she ran out of tears and then he offered her the bag. Sam had packed it earlier, ensuring that there were enough supplies to handle her red flower blooming and to continue her charade of acting as a man, and Jon had stashed a sack of coins near the bottom as a surprise and so she could afford the necessities upon her arrival. He didn’t want her to suffer again. Sina reluctantly took the bag and briefly caught Jon’s eye. She desperately wanted to kiss him goodbye, but decided against it as it would probably make the departure more difficult on them both.

Sam awaited them just outside of Castle Black with a horse. Across the path were other horses and wagons that were making last minute adjustments before they left for a recruitment trip. Sam gave Sina a quick hug before helping her mount the horse.

“Moulton is scouting the North for recruits. White Harbour is as far south as he’s going, and he knows that you will leave the band of men there,” Sam explained as Sina tied the bag to her waist.

“Does he know…?”

“No. I thought it would be best if no one knew, so be careful when you need privacy,” Sam warned and Sina gave a short nod. She had done it for her whole journey north; she could do it again.

“Thank you, Maester,” Sina mumbled and Sam smiled softly.

“Stay safe, Si,” he said before walking back inside the castle. Sina glanced over at Jon who remained standing close by.

“Be careful out there,” Jon eventually said.

“Stop those White Walkers, won’t you?” she replied and Jon nodded. His stomach tossed with anxiety as he wondered whether or not this was the right thing to do. It hurt so much, but he had to keep Westeros safe. They would all be dead if he couldn’t focus on his tasks, and Sina was the biggest distraction he had ever encountered. He now understood why the men of the Night’s Watch swore off having wives and children.

“I wish it wasn’t this way,” Jon remarked with a furrowed brow, his eyes conveying his sadness.

“But it is. You’ve made your choice,” Sina said before sighing. She took one last look at Jon before kicking her horse forward. Jon watched her back as she followed the band of brothers south, and only once he could no longer see her did he return to his chambers. There he sat at his desk, unable to concentrate on doing anything productive, and tried to think of something positive to smile about. He couldn’t find anything, and his lips remained as a frown.