Secret Smiles in the Snow

Now a part of her weekly routine, Sina pushed open the hefty door to the Commander’s quarters for her clean-up and disguise process. Most of the men thought that Si had a persistent condition that Maester Sam tended in private and didn’t say anything whenever Si left. The fabricated thoughts in the brothers’ minds only grew when Sam caught wind of the rumours and dropped hints to confirm them, aiding in keeping Sina’s disguise effective. It was well into the evening, after the last meal of the day had been served and then the kitchen completely cleaned, and Sina had stayed afterwards to chat with her fellow stewards.

“You’re late,” Jon remarked, at his desk as always.

“Pardon, m’Lord,” Sina muttered. She couldn’t be bothered explaining that she had been trying to make friends and fit in with the others, so she kept quiet. After a quick glance around the room she noticed that only Ghost was present. Like the last few times she had been here, Sina mustered up some confidence and extended her hand to the direwolf. “Where is Maester Sam?”

“He has fallen ill. He is in bed recovering,” Jon replied as Ghost sniffed her fingers. Jon watched on as Sina cautiously patted Ghost’s head, the white direwolf accepting the gesture and Sina smiling softly. Jon’s hardened expression relaxed slightly as he appreciated that Ghost liked her, so the woman had to have a gentle nature. “The bath is ready for you. I have fresh wraps for your chest when you are done.” Sina nodded and headed into the bathroom, leaving Jon to continue work at his desk. When she silently exited, clean with dripping wet hair, Jon paid the barely dressed woman no mind as he continued to write on parchment.

“Do you know how to bind-” Sina began.

“Sam said not so tight it hurts, but secure enough so it holds,” Jon interrupted before setting his quill down. He pushed himself up from the desk, his wooden chair scraping across the ground, and walked towards the fire where the cloth rested, keeping warm. “How hard could it be?” Sina held her arms out to the side and Jon began awkwardly trying to wrap her torso with the cloth. Every time he accidentally skimmed her skin, his stomach dropped with fear that she would interpret the action wrongly. This distraction caused him to make a loop slightly too loose, and Jon gave a disgruntled sigh as he unwound a section to restart it.

“Can I ask you something, m’Lord?” Jon briefly met Sina’s eyes.

“Sure.”

“Are you happy?” she wondered in a quieter voice. She had noticed that he rarely smiled, and that he spent most of his time doing work at his desk with a scowl on his lips and a stressed crease across his forehead.

“No,” Jon answered honestly after a short pause, deciding that he had no reason to lie to the woman. “But you wouldn’t be either if you saw what is beyond the Wall.”

“So it’s true then? They’re real?”

“Yes,” Jon replied grimly as he slid a pin into the wrap to keep it steady. “Is that too tight?”

“No, it’s fine,” Sina responded with a pleased smile at his work.

“What did I tell you about smiling?” Jon asked as he put in an extra pin.

“To not do it,” Sina repeated with disappointment. It was difficult for her to not do such a natural motion. Jon gestured towards the chair that contained her change of clothes and then he strode back across the room to his desk. “It might do you some good to smile, you know.”

“Really? Why is that?” Jon asked while raising his eyebrows with uncertainty. Sina pulled on a pair of thick trousers and fastened them to her hips.

“I bet that what I’ve had to deal with is nothing compared to the weight you must have on your shoulders right now, but… Maybe it would be useful for you to find one positive thing in your day and smile about it,” Sina explained as she tossed a warm shirt over her head. “It could be that you have Ghost, or… that Sam recovers from his illness. Or maybe I would have made your favourite stew. It’s good to appreciate the small things.” She finished dressing in silence as Jon mulled over her words. He had never had many good things in his life, and he had always appreciated them immensely. Somewhere, perhaps with his father’s death, his brother’s death, or going beyond the Wall, Jon had forgotten how to be grateful for what little he had.

“Just don’t appreciate things and smile in front of the men. Some here won’t hesitate to hurt you,” Jon warned, keeping his eyes lowered and focused on his desk.

“I doubt that I can be hurt any more,” Sina remarked as she walked towards the door, tossing her cloak around her shoulders. She left before Jon could question her, but then he decided that it would be better to leave the topic alone. After sighing, his eyes wandered across to Ghost who was chewing a bone on the floor. Jon forced a smile on his face as he appreciated his companion’s presence, and promised himself to find something new to smile about the next day.