Broken and Scarred

*Frank pov*

“Maybe you should get out of the house for a bit? Take the kids to the park or something? The fresh air will do you and the kids some good.”

Frank’s mother spoke hesitantly, watching as he took a sip of scalding coffee. Her heart swelled with heartbreaking concern when she took in his features. His skin was paler than normal, and his dark eyes were puffy and sore looking from the lack of sleep. She didn’t need to ask to know that he hadn’t slept since the night Jamia… She couldn’t even let the word ‘died’ enter her mind. The word itself was so final, so harsh, and cold. The term ‘passed on’ was preferable. It denoted the idea that a person might be in a better place. It was more peaceful, at least.

One of the worst pains a parent could endure, was to see their child suffer, knowing there was nothing that they could do. That was the pain Cindy felt every moment since her son had called her on the phone, his voice broken, and yet eerily calm. He had changed that night, and as a mother, it was a hard sight to take in. His easy smile had vanished, without a trace, the light behind his eyes, gone with it. Every word that left his mouth was spoken with a defeated, emotionless tone that Cindy had never heard from her only child before. Her heart was broken into tiny little fractures, sharp and eager to pierce her in the only place she was truly weak. Her son (and, by extension, his children) was her everything.

Cindy had gone through many painful things in her life. She had lost her parents, survived an acrimonious divorce and raised a child single-handed. Frank, as a child, had spent more nights in hospital than she cared to remember, which had caused her financial stress, on top of the strain of a sick child. She had been through so much in her life, but watching her son go through the loss of his wife, was perhaps the most difficult hurdle that had been thrown her way. He was lost, and she had no clue how to help him find his way back to some kind of normalcy. She didn’t know if he ever could.

That frightened her the most, the fear that Frank would never recover. That, at the young age of twenty nine, Frank would forever carry the burden of widowhood. Cindy knew that only time could heal, and she was also aware that Frank had loved Jamia with all his heart. Cindy had too; in Jamia, she had found the daughter she had always longed for. She had spent her life alone, after her failure of a marriage, and her one wish for Frank was that he would avoid that fate. That he would be the man his father couldn’t be. And she was proud to see that he was. She tried to remain hopeful that he would continue to be.

Frank sighed, unaware of the various jumbled thoughts running through his mother’s head. He wasn’t aware of much anymore, if truth be told. Days and nights were blurring into each other as the seconds, minutes and hours ticked by endlessly, giving him no respite. His hair was a mess. It was greasy, unkempt and sticking out everywhere in a manner that was obviously not intended. He ran a hand over his face; his left hand, the one where the weight of his wedding band was still felt. He couldn’t take it off. He promised himself he never would, either.

“It might do the kids some good to get out,” Frank agreed reluctantly, “Do you think you could do it?”

Frank normally wouldn’t ask his mother to take on a responsibility that wasn’t hers. He was never the kind of person who would willingly wave off a duty to another person, especially not his mother, who had already done her time raising a child. The idea of leaving the house was just too much to bear, though. What if he bumped into someone he knew? What if they gave their condolence, or, even worse, asked how he wasdoing?

That wasn’t the only reason, though. The real truth was painful to admit. It was a bitter pill to swallow, when he looked at his children, and saw the pain and confusion in their eyes. The girls asking (yet again) for mommy, not understanding that she was gone, and never coming back, and Miles had cried more times in the last week than he had in the last two months. He didn’t know what was going on, but he knew something wasn’t right. He missed his mother, and his cranky behaviour was a testament to the fact, even if he couldn’t verbalise the words yet.

“You have to leave the house sometime, Frank. Why not now? Call up that friend of yours…Gerard, is it? The one with a girl the same age as the twins? The twins would like that. You need a bit of human interaction, Frank. From more than just me,” Cindy added, when Frank opened his mouth, about to question what species Cindy considered herself to be.

Frank may have been twenty nine years old, but it didn’t make him impervious to the stern glare his mother was directing at him. It was the look she gave when he knew she wouldn’t take any more arguing from him.

“Fine,” Frank conceded, as much as he hated it. He placed his mug on the table, waiting for the caffeine hit to work its way into his system before he called Gerard.

“Also, work has been calling. I told them I needed a few more days, but…I need to get back by next week. You might want to start thinking about putting the kids back into daycare. The routine would be good for them. Maybe it’d be good for you to think about going to work too. Being in the house all day isn’t good for any of you.”

“Oh,” Frank’s eyebrows furrowed. He hadn’t given a thought to the practicalities of going back to work. He had to go back eventually.His mother was right about that.

“I know it mightnot seem like the best time to bring it up, but...Well, these things have to be thought about sooner or later. The girls keep asking about a Jen, I think? Is she a friend, or something?”

“She’s their caretaker in the centre. The girls are fond of her,” Frank commented. It felt strange to talk about something so ordinary, so mundane.

“Aw, that’s nice.”

Frank felt unease in the pit of his stomach. Life would have to move on eventually. Four weeks had already passed, and Frank knew that things like work and bills wouldn’t wait much longer. There was a financial aspect he hadn’t let himself think about. He had a mortgage to pay, and daycare bills, among others. None of them had changed, but now, Frank was the sole earner. They hadn’t needed the money from Jamia’s job – Frank was lucky to earn enough money to cover everything, but it would still be a strain, nonetheless.

It was an unexpected pressure, to be solely responsible for providing. With Jamia by his side, it had felt like an easy task. Now, he was alone. His job could be demanding at times, and he did more overtime than he was happy about. How could he fit in his work responsibilities with his personal life? Would his children have to spend even more of their lives in daycare than they already did? The scenario didn’t sit comfortably with him. As a parent, it had been hard to separate himself from his children for so long. What about if he had to stay behind in work? That was something that came with the territory, and personal circumstances went out the window. Would he have to take them out of the centre and hire a nanny, and bring even more upset and change into their lives? How would he even find a person he could trust with the three most important people in his life?

It was overwhelming, and entirely too much to try and deal with so early in the morning. There was too much to figure out, too many issues that he couldn’t even think about at the moment.

“What are you thinking about?” Cindy interrupted Frank’s path down a train of thought that would only lead to a panic attack.

“I don’t know how to do this, mom.”

The statement was met with a loud sigh of sadness.

“I wish I had all the answers, Frankie. I think that, for now, all you can do is take everything one day at a time. I always found that time was the best healer.”

Frank nodded, giving his mother a shadow of a reassuring smile. He knew she was trying her best. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that he just couldn’t believe that it would ever get easier, or the pain more manageable. There was a part of his heart missing; the part that Jamia had taken with her when she died. It was an empty space that filled with pain every time he thought about Jamia, which was every second of every day. The house was filled with her memories.Their children looked so much like her that it was almost scary. Every action, every thought, related back to her.

“I’m going to call Gerard,” Frank announced, scraping his chair off the tiled floor unnecessarily. He needed to think about something else – anything else.

**

Frank almost felt sorry for Gerard. It was obvious that Gerard felt awkward, and Frank was almost beginning to regret taking his mother’s advice. Gerard was huddled up in his oversized parka coat, keeping out the October chill. His dark brown hair was shorter than normal, and on a normal occasion, he was certain Gerard would have bitched about it. It wasn’t a lot of fun to be the person nobody knows how to interact with anymore. They didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. What was a safe topic of conversation? What if they said something stupid in a moment of thoughtlessness?

“So, how’s Mikey?” Frank decided to take the figurative wheel, and ease the awkward tension.

“He’s good.Really good. Met a new girl, and he seems pretty into her.”

“That guy just can’t stay single,” Frank giggled, not too surprised that Mikey had moved on from his failed engagement within a couple of months.

“He just doesn’t know how to be alone, I think.” Gerard stated thoughtfully.

“Most people don’t,” Frank agreed.

There was a lull in their short conversation. The three girls were on a climbing frame, while Miles happily watched from his buggy.

“How are you coping?” Gerard asked.

Frank could have laughed. It was such a Gerard thing to be so blunt.

“As good as can be expected. The world keeps moving on, and eventually I have to roll with it, apparently. My mom says that I should get back to work. She’s right, but, just…I don’t want to leave the kids. Not until I know that they’re ready. They’ve been through so much already, and I don’t want to upset them more than needed.”

Gerard nodded.

“Honestly, though, they’re never going to be ready. All you can do is make sure you do everything you can to minimise the damage.”

“And how do I do that? If I hire a new nanny, it’s going to be a stranger. If I leave them back on daycare, they’ll be there from morning to closing, and that in itself is just as bad. I’d never see them that way.”

“Then find someone you know,” Gerard answered simply.

Frank looked at Gerard as though he’d grown two heads. Or started speaking an alien language.

“Yeah, because I know a shit ton of people looking to nanny three children under the age of three.”

“No need for the sarcasm. If you ask around, you might be surprised. Current economy, and all that.Someone will be looking for work.”

“I don’t just want anyone minding my children, Gerard. I need someone I trust. Someone who knows how to handle children.”

That was when Frank was hit with an idea.

“I think I know the right person” Frank thought out loud.

“Who?” Gerard’s tone was genuinely surprised from the sudden change.

“In the daycare, the girls carer…the girls love her. She’d be perfect.”

“Do you think she’d do it?”

Frank shrugged.

“I have no idea. There’s only one way to find out I suppose.”