Broken and Scarred

*Jennifer POV*

Things went from bad to worse for Jennifer in the two weeks that followed. Derek was still in denial about the fact their relationship was over. He went from trying to cajole Jennifer into forgiving him, to being angry at her for ‘making a big deal about one mistake’. Hs patience was wearing thin with her seemingly, and his could no longer keep up his ‘I’m so sorry’ facade. Jennifer didn’t expect any different from him, but it hit a nerve that he was trying to guilt her into forgiving him, that he felt he was entitled to dictate her feelings. He truly believed that she should be grateful that he ‘chose’ her over the ‘mistake’, as he called her.

She continued to sleep on the couch every night in the month since she found out about Derek fucking whats-her-face, which her body was slowly getting used to. Her constant searching for a ‘room to let’ wasn’t going well, and it only served to lower her already bad mood that day. She had gotten dressed that morning, feeling the weight of all her stress firmly on her shoulders. She was feeling sorry for herself but, she felt like she was right to feel so lost. She loved her job, and that was the only thing going for her at that moment. The children’s smiles, and enthusiasm, was what kept her going, and stalled the oncoming depression she knew she’d be drowning in otherwise.

Jennifer parked in front of the daycare centre, and took a deep, calming breath. She sat in the quiet cocoon of her car, pushing the stress of the morning out of her mind and off her shoulders.She couldn’t let it get to her in work- the kids deserved better than that. They might say they were ’big’ boys and girls, but they were still so little, and overly aware of other’s emotions . They didn’t need Jennifer’s stress to be taken out on them. She got out of the car, and started a new day.

******

The day went as well as any other day. There were a couple of tantrums over toys, and of course someone thought it would be funny to throw their food during lunch time. It wasn’t a bad day , but Jennifer still found herself counting down the time until she was able to clock off. Her mind wasn’t really in the job that day. She tried so hard not to let Derek’s actions get to her, or the worry and stress about the current messy state of her life and lack of ability to fix it.

She grabbed her handbag and jacket from her locker. It was an automatic habit to check her phone the second she opened her handbag, since she wasn’t able to have her on her while around the children. She was shocked to see a text message from Frank waiting on her phone. She hadn’t seen him since the day of the funeral. She remembered that blank but haunted look on his face, the twins clinging to him as they watched their mother lowered down into the grave. Little Miles had been in some woman’s arms, Jennifer recognised the woman as one of the grandmother’s, but she wasn’t certain from which side. It was heartbreaking to watch, and the overwhelming feeling of unfairness had taken over the sadness for a few seconds, when she realised that the children who would never know their mother, never remember her hugs and kisses, or the way she said ‘I love you.’ Jennifer had wanted to give Frank her condolences, but so many people had surrounded him the second the graveside blessing had ended. There was nothing she could say that hadn’t been said to him already. The children hadn’t returned to the daycare since, which wasn’t surprising. She had wondered if they would return at all, considering the circumstances.

The text message was short. “Hi Jennifer, it’s Frank. I was wondering if you could meet me this evening, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about”

She furrowed her brows, a little confused as to what he could possibly want to talk about.

“I just finished work, I could meet you in half an hour?”

She shrugged on her jacket, just as her phone vibrated.

“Great. Could you call around to the house?”

“K, see you shortly” she typed out quickly.

She didn’t know what else she was feeling. Her stomach was clenched uncomfortably, an unease settling in. She never had much exposure to death, and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little flustered at the prospect of being around Frank. Were there rules on how to talk to someone who has recently become widowed? Should she giver her condolences again, or not talk about Jamia? What if she spoke insensitively by accident? Her mouth ran away on her sometimes, and her worse fear was to make a difficult time even worse by blurting out a stupid remark. She was shaking; not too obviously but it was enough that she could feel it. She knew it was irrational for her to be so nervous; Frank had gone through a tragedy that changed his life certainly, but he was still Frank. She didn’t know him too well on a personal level, their relationship was entirely professional even when babysitting, but they had been friendly. He wasn’t a stranger, so she shouldn’t treat hima s such. She reminded herself of that as she parked in his driveway. She noted there was only one car. They had always been two, and it only further reminded Jennifer that Jamia was gone. It made a lump form in her throat, as she thought of the fact that there were three children in the house who had lost a mother. It physically pained her that their lives had been changed, that they would always be missing someone. It seemed so unfair.

She steeled herself in the car, forced the lump in her throat down. She needed to get a grip on herself before she knocked on the door. A moment later, she was in front of the door, pushing the doorbell. She didn’t have to wait too long for the door to open, revealing a frazzled looking Frank. She could hear the sound of little feet running towards the door, and seconds later the twins were squealing in delight.

“Jenny’s here!” they both said in unison, in a way only twins could do.

“Girls, can we let Jennifer come in please,” Frank sounded tired and worn. “Hi Jennifer, thanks for coming.”

“It was no problem at all,”Jennifer said, fighting to keep the awkwardness out of her voice. She gave him a fleeting smile, which wasn’t returned.

Frank opened the door wide for her to walk through. She didn’t make it one step inside before the twins were clinging to her legs. Both legs were held hostage to the girls, who were squeezing so tightly that the she could feel the lack of blood flowing. She smiled down at the girls, wrapping her arms around them with her first genuine smile in what felt like a long time.

“Are you coming to mind us?” Lily spoke first.

“We can watch Frozen before bed!” Cherry’s voice was full of excitment.

“Girls, Jennifer won’t be minding you tonight. Can you go to the living room while I speak to Jennifer?” Frank cut through the girl’s delight, leaving them with disappointed faces. The refused to let go of Jennifer’s legs, glaring at their father with a challenging stare.

“Now!” Frank’s voice rose a fraction, his tone somehow even more stern.

“You never let us have fun anymore!” Lily was indignant, before she let go of Jennifer’s leg and stomped towards the living room. Cherry ran after her, and Jennifer knew she was going to comfort her upset twin.

Jennifer had been in the house many times before, and new it well. There had always been a sort of...energy, in the home. You stepped inside and felt that it was a happy home. There were pictures of the children everywhere, from the hallway to the living rooms, there was laundry in baskets in the utility room just aside from the kitchen. The kitchen was always full of ‘healthy’ kids treats, the living room was a little messy because no home with three children under four could ever be really tidy. The house was different now. The pictures were still up, the living room was probably still messy, but the energy she had always felt had vanished without a trace. The warmth was gone, leaving a stale atmosphere behind.

Frank sighed, running a hand over his face. Jennifer had the chance to finally look at him properly. She saw lines she had never noticed before. The dark circles under his eyes were almost black. He looked like a man who hadn’t slept in a long time.

“Sorry about that. Would you like something to drink?”

“Coffee, if you have it” Jennifer replied, before following him into the kitchen.

He had a coffee maker, with a pot of coffee already filled. He motioned for her to take a seat at the table, before he grabbed two coffee mugs and poured the black liquid. He then turned to look at Jennifer.

“Do you take anything in your coffee?”

“Just a bit of sugar and creamer if you have it.”

He was quiet as he added the creamer and sugar into the mug, before adding creamer to his own mug. He sat at the table and handed her the nug wordlessly.

“So, you’re probably wondering why I asked you to come?” He said, breaking the silence.

“Just a bit.”

“I’m going to be blunt. Since Jamia…” he paused, as though his voice had caught, “passed, I’ve been trying to figure out what’s the best thing to do for the kids. I’ve to go back to work, sooner than I’d like. I don’t want the kids to be in daycare all day, not with things the way they are. I was hoping to get a nanny, so they still get some one on one care when I’m not here. I was hoping you would take the job.”

Jennifer was stunned. She hadn’t expected the request, and judging by Frank’s slightly worried expression, it showed.

“We can discuss salary and I’d pay for your health insurance. I’m not going to lie, it could be long days sometimes; I’d need you here before I go to work obviously, and I can’t always guarantee what time I’ll be home at.” Frank continued, watching Jennifer’s reaction carefully.

“Wow, Frank. I’m flattered that you’d think of me for the job...but, to be honest with you, now is not a good time for me to move jobs. I’ve a few personal issues at the moment, and I’m not sure I’ll even be in the area for much longer.”

“You’re moving?” Frank’s disappointment couldn’t be hidden. Jennifer felt the guilt rise to her throat at the look. She felt like she owed him an explanation, even though she knew she didn’t.

“I’ve recently split with my boyfriend, and I’m looking for a new place to live. It’s been pretty difficult to find anywhere.”

“You could stay here.” The words were out of Frank’s mouth before he’d thought them through. He seemed shocked by his own words, which were driven by desperation.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea Frank, it might be too much.”

“Look, Jennifer, things have been hell for the last few weeks. The kids are still adjusting, and right now they need stabilty. I need someone I can trust to take care of them when I’m in work. The girls love you, and you’ve always been great with them, and Miles fond of you too. I know you, and I won’t have to worry about the care and attention they’re getting. They’re the most important things in my life and I’d do anything to make sure they’re safe. You can stay here for as long as you need and I’ll make sure you have everything you need, just please have a think about it before you say no.”

Jennifer was moved by Frank’s heartfelt words, but what he was asking for was a lot. Nannying was a lot different than daycare. It was lonely, with long days, no breaks and almost no adult interaction. She’d be around the kids nonstop. Then. she thought over the practicalities of living with a family that wasn’t her own, even if it was temporary. She’d lose a lot of freedom probably, and with the children around she wouldn’t be able to have the downtime she needed. Realistically, they wouldn’t understand the boundaries that older children would. They’d see her as an extension of the family, not an employee. Was that any better than sleeping on a couch in an apartment with her asshole of an ex?

“I’ll think about it Frank. It’d be a major change for me, if I agreed. There’s a reason I didn’t go into nannying before.”

“I understand that Jennifer, I really do. I’ll fully compensate you for it, I promise. I know it’s a big ask, but I know it’s the right decision for the children and right now I’d do anything to make things easier for them. .”

His eyes were earnest, and Jennifer felt an uncomfortable tug at her stomach. Part of her wanted to say yes on the spot, just to ease the pain she could see in his hazel eyes. It wasn’t that simple though. If she wasn’t fully committed, then it would be the children who suffered. Frank was right that they needed stability, and the last thing Jennifer knew she couldn’t back out if she accepted.

“Give me a day or two to think about it?”

“Okay, I can do that. Let me know what you decide. I really do hope you’ll accept the offer.”

Jennifer nodded, not having anything else to say. She took a swing of the coffee she had forgotten about, in lieu of saying anything. Frank took a sip of his own mug, and suddenly the kitchen was filled with awkwardness. Jennifer couldn’t help the compulsion to break the silence after a few mintues, words slipping from her tongue.

“I know you’ve probably heard this a lot Frank but, I am sorry for your loss.”

Frank just looked at her, with no real emotion on his face. Jennifer wondered if he’d heard it so many times that it no longer had any impact on him anymore.

“Thanks” he muttered.

“I should probably go” Jennifer decided, finishing her coffee and standing up.

“Thanks for coming Jennifer” Frank stood up after her.

“Could I say bye to the girls?” Jennifer asked.

“Of course.” Frank brought her to the living room, where the girls were sitting at a small table, drawing pictures with crayons. They looked up at Jennifer with big smiles.

“Will you draw with us Jenny?” They asked together.

Jennifer looked at Frank, who gave her a nod of approval.

“I’d love to” she said, kneeling down at the table and grabbing herself a page. In that moment, Jennifer knew what her answer was going to be.