Darkness Before the Dawn

I lay on my bed, my breathing coming in gasps as I tried to catch my breath. Jason lay next to me, trying to calm his own breathing too. Whenever he stayed over at the weekends, we had to stay quiet because of my parents in the room next door. Sure, I was pretty confident they knew Jason and I were having sex – we’d been together for over 2 years after all – but that didn’t mean I wanted them to overhear anything. That would just be beyond embarrassing. We lay in silence for a while, both lost in our thoughts. We were 18 this year and going off to university in a month. It was both exciting and terrifying. I just had to hope that Jason and I would get into universities that are close to one another.

“Um, Kit?” Jason said and I turned to him with a tired smile. My smile faltered slightly when I saw Jason’s serious expression.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, turning to my side and resting my hand on his chest that was still hot and sweaty.

“I’ve been thinking about university and all that,” he said and I frowned and nodded. “And, um, I know we discussed doing the long distance and everything…but I just don’t know if it’ll work.” I froze for a second as his words hit me. Oh, God, no.

“What are you saying?” I whispered, taking my hand off his chest.

“I think we should break up,” he said and my heart stuttered in my chest before starting to race as I tried to deal with the situation. I never thought I’d hear those words, not from Jason. They were worse than any physical pain I could imagine.

“Are you seriously breaking up with me straight after we had sex?” I whispered, staring into the dark blue eyes of the boy I loved, who I thought loved me.

“I’m sorry,” he said and I shook my head.

“Get out, Jason,” I said and he nodded and quickly got out of bed. Part of me thought he might argue, might change his mind, or something. But he didn’t. He just got out of bed and got dressed. I kept my eyes lowered, desperately holding back my emotions until he left.

“Look, Kit,” Jason said and I gritted my teeth and looked up. I wasn’t going to avoid looking at him, I wanted him to see how much he’d hurt me. “Long distance relationships just don’t work. I would have ended up cheating on your or you would have ended up cheating on me. It’s just easier this way.” I gritted my teeth and ignored the additional throb in my chest as I realised how little faith Jason actually had in us. How could he so easily admit that he would cheat – or how could he so easily believe that I would?

“You’re a coward, Jason,” I said. “Fine, take the easy way. Just get the hell out of my house.” Jason gazed at me for a second before turning away and leaving my room. A second later, I heard the front door open and close and I knew he’d gone. And then the damn broke and my tears started falling. Two years. Two years we’d been together and he’d broken up with me so easily. How could he? We’d talked about living together, about having a family, about growing old together. I’d actually seen it. I could so easily imagine being a father with Jason by my side. Had every word out of his mouth just been utter crap?

I jumped out of bed, suddenly not wanting to be in the same place where we’d made love only minutes before. I pulled on a pair of pyjama trousers with tears still running down my cheeks and then stripped the sheets from my bed. But it still wasn’t good enough. I stared at my bare mattress and then headed downstairs. I sat on the sofa and started unseeing at the black screen of the television. My tears had dried up for now; I was just in a state of shock.

I blinked when the room was suddenly filled with light and I looked over towards the doorway where my mum stood with a confused expression. “Kit? What’s going on?” she asked. I looked away from her and back towards the television. I didn’t want to tell her; saying the words would make it so much more real. And I wasn’t sure if I was ready to deal with it yet. My mum came and sat next to me cautiously. “Where’s Jason?” she asked and my tears started falling again. Mum instantly wrapped her arms around me and I curled into her and buried my face in her shoulder. I don’t care what people thought – you’re never too old to be comforted by your mum.

“H-He b-br-broke up with m-me,” I stammered out and mum’s hold on me instantly tightened. She was obviously shocked as she had no response. Saying the words just made it so much more real and a coldness filled my body. He’d actually broken up with me, walked away from us.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” she said after a few minutes of rocking me gently and I just shook my head as I continued to cry. I don’t know how long we stayed like that for, but eventually I heard the birds starting to tweet outside.

“Sorry,” I muttered, pulling back from her embrace that had kept me relatively together.

“You don’t need to apologise, Kit,” she said, brushing my hair back from my forehead.

“But you’ve got work today,” I told her and she smiled softly.

“It’s okay,” she smiled. “I wouldn’t let you go through this on your own.” I smiled and all but fell back into her arms.

“Love you,” I murmured and mum kissed my head as she held me tight.

--

The next month was the hardest of my life. I got my grades for university – I got my first choice, which would have meant a short journey to visit Jason. But it didn’t even matter anymore. I knew I ought to be happy I got the grades and university that I wanted but I couldn’t really muster any excitement for any of it. I still felt like Jason had punched a hole through my chest and I wasn’t sure whether I’d ever get over it. Two years we’d been together. We’d stayed together through arguments and Jason’s family not totally approving of our relationship. I couldn’t imagine being in a stronger relationship than ours had been. I’d been convinced that we’d last forever and I was pretty sure that everyone who knew us had been too. My parents had even started making comments about us getting married someday about having a family. They could see that for us, I could see it for us. But clearly Jason couldn’t. I wanted to figure out why I’d been so blind; why hadn’t I seen it coming? Why had I focused on a future that so obviously wasn’t what Jason wanted?

Every now and then, I found myself breaking down. Usually when I was alone in my room, but every now and then I couldn’t help it and my emotions bubbled up when other people were around. I didn’t mind it when I was with my parents or with Maggie, my best friend, but crying in front of strangers was just humiliating. I’d got practiced at hiding it, which was something I shouldn’t need to know how to do.

Part of me was looking forward to university because I’d have a sort of fresh start. New people, new place. No more reminders of Jason. But then at the same time, I’d never relied on my mum so much and without her, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep as strong. I promised to keep in contact with Maggie – outside of my house, when my mum wasn’t around, Maggie had been my rock. I’d told her everything, even that he’d broken up with me immediately after we’d had sex – something I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell my mum – and she was pissed off at Jason on my behalf. She said that one of us ought to be angry and seeing as I was still too hurt to be angry, she said she’d carry the burden. I loved Maggie. We’d been friends since we started school when we were 11 – way before I met Jason when he joined the school 4 years later. While I was going to Manchester University, Maggie was going to Southampton and would be miles away. But I didn’t worry about our friendship – I knew we’d skype and text and call and visit.

--

Two months into university and I started to feel better about the whole Jason situation. I think my flatmates thought I was super depressing and I’d tried to be better – or at least hide it better – but it was hard. I still thought about Jason a lot, but I’d started thinking that maybe I was better off. If he didn’t think I was worth the effort of a long distance relationship, then I needed to find someone who did. If he thought breaking up with me after sex was acceptable, then I needed to find someone who didn’t. I needed to find someone better, someone who wanted the same things as I did. Sure, having that epiphany didn’t mean that I was ready to go out and find that someone, but it helped. I actually started going out with my flatmates and being a real fresher. And it was fun.

I didn’t want to go home over Christmas, but I kind of had to. My mum wouldn’t let me not come home for Christmas and in fairness, I didn’t want to be on my own for Christmas. I was nervous about going home, though, in case I ran into Jason. I’d had to work hard to get over him – and I wasn’t even completely there yet. So I didn’t want to take any steps backward.

I met up with Maggie the day I got home. We both still needed to finish our Christmas shopping so we headed into town. “Fancy a coffee?” Maggie asked halfway through the afternoon and I smiled and nodded in relief. I didn’t like shopping all that much and Christmas was a time when I was forced to. I only had my mum left to shop for, though, which wasn’t too bad.

When we got to the coffee shop, I was laughing at something Maggie had said about her flatmate when I locked eyes with Jason. My breath caught in my throat and my body flooded with emotion and I realised that I was very much not over him. Maggie stopped beside me and she quickly spotted Jason across the room too. “We should go somewhere else,” Maggie said and I was about to nod when Jason stood. And that’s when I saw that he wasn’t alone but with another guy. I hated that the guy was attractive – he had soft looking brown hair, striking green eyes and was even shorter than me.

And then they were walking towards us. “Hey, Kit,” Jason said softly. I couldn’t even bring myself to smile. “Um, how are you?” I just stared at him, a frown forming between my eye brows.

“What do you want, Jason?” Maggie asked and his eyes jumped to her before he quickly shook his head.

“Nothing, we were just leaving,” he said and then he grasped the hand of the boy beside him. “This is Noah, by the way. We’ve been dating for a couple months.”

“Hi,” Maggie said with a tight smile. I was glad that she was jumping in because I couldn’t have spoken if my life depended on it. “Do you go to Birmingham, too?” she asked and the boy shook his head.

“No, I’m still at school,” he said, “I live just round the corner from Jason.” My lips parted as I realised what he was saying. Jason was in a long distance relationship? Oh, God. I looked up at met Jason’s eyes and he gazed back at me sadly.

“We have to go,” I said, grabbing Maggie’s arm and dragging her out of the shop. I didn’t let go until we reached the car park, where I crouched down and hugged myself tight. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was struggling to breath. I could hear Maggie talking to me but the words weren’t registering.

So Jason hadn’t broken up with me because of the long distance issue. He’d lied about that. So he must have just wanted to break up with me because of me. I knotted my fingers in my hair and pulled in frustration. Why can’t I get over him already? It’s been almost five months. Surely that was more than enough time to move on. But it still hurt and it felt like it always would.

“Come on, Kit. Let’s go home,” Maggie said softly and I nodded, standing up and leaning back against her car. I looked around self-consciously but no one had been around to see my break down.

For the next few days, I stayed in my room. There must be something wrong with me, I must have been a crap boyfriend. Why else would Jason break up with me and lie about his reason? I knew I needed to stop thinking about him, I needed to find someone who could actually make me happy. But I’d never been happier than when I was with Jason. How could someone else compete with that? Jason had been my whole world.

There was a knock on my door that jolted me out of my thoughts and I turned to see Maggie standing in my doorway. “Hey,” she smiled gently and I smiled back.

“Hey.”

“How are you doing?” she asked as she sat on my bed.

“I can't stop thinking about it,” I whispered. “I just want to know the real reason he broke up with me. I can't believe he’s got a new boyfriend already.” Tears pricked in my eyes again. God, I was so pathetic.

“I’m so sorry, Kit,” she said softly, wrapping her arms around me. I accepted her hug but I refused to cry. Not again.

--

A week or so later, on Christmas day, I tried putting on a happy face for my parents, I really did. But I was in no mood for all the merriment in the house. I made it through dinner with a smile and I mustered up some genuine enthusiasm and gratitude for my presents, but by about 4pm, I’d had enough. All the movies on television were so happy and lovey-dovey that it made me ache. So I retreated up to my bedroom.

At about 6 o’clock, there was a knock on my bedroom door and I sighed. I knew I was expected downstairs at some point for yet more food, but I wasn’t sure if I could face it. My bedroom door opened and I turned, expecting to see my mum, but instead was faced with Jason. “What are you doing here?” I asked, finding my voice that time, rather than freezing up again.

“I need to talk to you,” he said and I shook my head.

“No,” I said. “I can't.”

“Please, Kit,” he said softly but I ignored both his words and his tone.

“Did my mum let you in?” I asked him, planning to have a go at her as soon as Jason left. How could she think this was a good idea?

“Yeah,” he said softly, stepping in the room and closing the door behind him. “We’ve been talking for the last 20 minutes or so. I, uh, had to explain myself to her…” I shook my head and he moved closer to me but I quickly stepped away.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Jason,” I said and he frowned slightly.

“Will you just listen then?” he asked. “Please?” I really wanted to say no, I knew I ought to, but the word died in my throat.

“You broke my heart,” I said suddenly and Jason closed his eyes briefly as he nodded.

“I know,” he whispered.

“Everyday something reminds me of you and how much it hurts,” I said, hoping to make him feel something close to the pain that he’d put me through.

“I’m sorry,” he said and I shook my head.

“You can’t just apologise for this, Jason,” I said. “And now you’ve got a new boyfriend already. It’s like I meant absolutely nothing to you.”

“That’s not true,” he said and I rolled my eyes. “Noah and I broke up a week ago.” I looked up at him and frowned in confusion. “He couldn’t do the distance thing…”

“Do you want me to feel sorry for you?” I asked bitterly. “Do you want me to say ‘oh, poor Jason’? Because I’m not going to do that.”

“I know,” he said softly. I sighed heavily and looked away from him.

“I guess he proved that long distance doesn’t work, huh?” I said and Jason took a step closer to me. I didn’t step away that time.

“I never really believed that,” he said. “I believe that long distance would work if it were with the right person.”

“But…so, I’m just not the right person?” I said softly.

“No, you are,” he said quickly. “Okay, I’m gonna tell you the truth but please don’t hate me. Truth is…I do believe long distance would work with you. I just used that as an excuse because I couldn’t bring myself to tell you the real reason I broke up with you.”

“And what’s that?” I whispered. “You’ve let me believe that distance was the only reason we weren’t together and now that’s not even true. So tell me, why did you break up with me? What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing!” Jason said quickly, stepping closer and taking my hands tightly in his. “You were perfect…you always have been.” He took a deep breath and gazed down at me. “I was scared.”

“What?” I asked with a frown.

“I was scared,” he said again, “things were getting so serious so fast. I was going off to uni and I had to start thinking about the future and it all just scared me. I didn’t want to grow up, I didn’t want anything serious in my life. And…we were serious. I just wanted to run away.” There was a silence for a moment and he sighed. “The thing that sparked it all…my mum made a comment about how I should propose to you before some other guy saw how amazing you are and I lost you. And I guess I did the stereotypical guy thing of running away from any real, long term commitment. But when I think of my future…a year, two, five, or even 20 years down the line, I don’t know where I’ll be living or what I’ll be doing. But I know you’re there. A couple months ago, when I broke up with you, the thing that scared me most was committing and growing up. But now, the thing that terrifies me, is not having you for the rest of my life. Which is why I got you this.” He rummaged in his pocket and finally produced a black ring box. My lips fell open as I realised what was happening. “I promise that I’ll never be so stupid and think that running away from us is my best option. You’re my best option and if you’ll have me, I want to try and be yours.” I gazed at him for a moment, letting my brain catch up. My heart was pounding but I could see the sincerity of Jason’s words in his gaze. He really wanted to marry me, to be with me for the rest of our lives.

I reached for the ring box and gazed at the gorgeous gold band inside before snapping it shut. “I won't marry you, Jason,” I said and Jason’s face crumpled and he lowered his head. I reached out and cupped his jaw and raised his head so I could look into his eyes that were lined with tears. “Not yet,” I added and Jason frowned as he tried to blink away his tears.

“What?” he mumbled, swiping at his eyes quickly and I couldn’t help but smile.

“I love you, Jason,” I whispered and Jason’s eyes sparkled. “But…I’m not sure if I can trust you just yet. It killed me that you didn’t want to be with me. for the last few months all I’ve done is doubt our entire relationship, wondering what went wrong, whether you’d just been playing with me the whole time. I need to get to know you again, I need to be able to trust you again, before I say yes to anything more permanent.”

“Okay,” Jason quickly nodded. “I promise you, I will earn your trust back. I love you so much, I’d do anything for you to be happy.” I smiled softly and moved closer so I could hug him tightly. I sighed as I rested my head on his chest. Jason’s arms immediately wrapped around my waist and I sighed in content. God, I’d missed this. “I won't hurt you again, Kit. I promise.”

“I know,” I smiled, leaning back so I could look up into his eyes. “Just be patient.”

“Take as long as you need,” he smiled. “I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.” I smiled and then Jason pressed a tender kiss to my lips and everything inside me just seemed to click back into place and I knew that, in time, accepting that ring would make me the happiest person in the world.