Until Then

“Jemima, baby, I’m right here.”

With my eyes fluttering open, I saw Ashton gently tugging on my right arm.

“Jem, wake up. I’m right here, alright?” Still shaking my arm, he kept the close distance between us that I could feel his warm breath on my cheek.

“Hmm?”

“Sorry I had to wake you up, babe,” he shifted his body on the bed to give me a peck on my temple, “You were calling my name again.”

“Was I?” I murmured against the pillow I was cradling onto, still not fully awake. Again?

These sleep talks I had were no longer strange to Ashton, as it would happen whenever I felt extreme anxiety towards certain matters. There were days when they happened so frequently, and it was during the few weeks after Ashton and his band got a call to open for One Direction. Hot Chelle Rae’s tour was one that I could handle, but I remembered clearly how nervous I got when I knew that we would be separated by continents for One Direction’s. I would wake up covered in sweats, on top of a wrinkled bed sheet clenched tight in my grip, while I knew that I should have been more supportive and happy.

Through those days, Ashton had been nothing but loving and patient. He knew exactly how to calm me down since the very first day, and he has been doing it every time with a genuine smile on his face, not a single complaint. I seriously have no idea how I could be so lucky to be in the arms of Ashton Irwin.

“Mhm,” he mumbled, nuzzling his nose against the back of my neck, “You okay?”

I adjusted my torso under his grip to take a look at him. “Yeah, I am. I’m sorry,” I said out of mere response.

It apparently just made him pull me in closer to his embrace as if there was still any distance between us. “Why? What happened?” he asked as he stroked my hair and tucked it behind my ear.

“Nothing. I guess it’s just the stupid jitters I always get.”

Ashton let go of his grip to look at me better, “You didn’t tell me you still have those.” His hazel eyes darkened, and I knew that this was one of the very few things that could turn Ashton, a certified goofball, dead serious.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and this time I meant it. I really was sorry. I didn’t know how this was still happening after so long. I thought I was fine, I really did. The first few days were a bit rough, but I think I got through the rest of the first tour quite smoothly. No more sleep talks, just by hearing Ashton’s voice every night before I sleep. As the second tour was coming up, I tried to suppress my anxiety as deeply within myself as I consciously could. I made it this far without bothering him, yet there we were, two days before he had to leave, and I lost it.

At that point, I was almost angry at myself because I hate to wake his overprotective self and grow unnecessary concerns. I hate to send him off to tour worrying about how I am at home. I hate to distract him from living his dream because of some silly, childish measures.

“After all this time, why do you still apologize?”

“I just don’t want you to worry about it,” I continued, looking into his eyes.

His stare softened, reflecting his absolute kindness that I fell in love with. All the more reason why I truly felt bad. “Are you kidding? I’m always gonna worry about it,” he said as he planted two lingering kisses, one on my forehead and another on my cheekbone, “I’m always gonna worry about you. I love you.”

I shrugged, pulling myself a little bit away from him. “I love you too, but you don’t have to. I’m okay. Probably just a bit jealous of the people who get to spend time with you for months, that’s all,” I tried to joke, but I wasn’t even sure that it could be counted as one.

“You know I wish I could take you with me,” he defended himself with pleading eyes.

I chuckled as a memory of one of the early days came to mind. “Yeah, so you can be jealous of Niall for being overly nice to me?” Ashton had always denied it, but his pout was always there whenever I was too caught up chatting with Niall while I had him next to me. It was when the 1D tour came to Australia one time, and the boys and I would giggle over how Niall would intentionally hit on me just to piss Ashton off.

His laughter woke the both of us for real as he poked on my waist, tickling me. “So I can spend time with you, idiot. And I wasn’t jealous!” There it is.

“Yes, yes, you were. With Harry and Calum as my witnesses.”

“Whatever, you thought it was adorable,” he cheekily teased and stole a quick kiss on the lips.

“Sure, I did,” I jokingly confirmed, my grin grew wider. It was the little things like that that makes his company so missable. He would still make stupid comments and remarks when we talk on the phone or through Skype, but it was the little touches he’d do that I’d miss the most.

“Now shh, go back to sleep. I’m still here, alright?” Ashton whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

All I could do was nod and try to do as he said, as he leaned over to plant a string of kisses under my eyelids, forcing me to close them. He then went back to stroking my hair in silence.

After a few minutes, he took a moment to turn his body the other way to take a look at the desk clock, and it showed 2:58 a.m.

He realised that I was still wide awake when he readjusted himself beside me, peeking over to see my face. “Why are you still awake, you sneaky little thing?” he asked while touching my nose, fishing a guilty grin out of me.

“You wanna go outside? I can cook you something?” he offered. Three a.m. mac and cheese had always been my comfort food under many circumstances, and Ashton knew that well. I just didn’t feel like it at that time, though. I didn’t want to get him into any more trouble.

“No, it’s alright, I like it here,” I said, twisting my body to face his.

He nodded and pulled me back in for a cuddle, me being the little spoon. His fingers came to lace between mine, and I could feel our legs tangling with each other.

“You sure you’re okay, though?” he asked, again with some seriousness.

“Yes, Ash, yes. I’m absolutely fine. I’m just no longer sleepy, that’s all,” I assured.

“Okay,” he said as a beam of comfort grew on his face, and with that I was drowned in his presence. I never ceased to understand how a simple curve could be so soothing. A little smile from him, along with the irresistable dimples and cheekbones, was all I needed to tell me that everything is okay.

“But you really should go back to sleep, babe,” he suggested in a lighter tone, “I may or may not have the whole day planned out for you tomorrow.”

I squinted at his remark, not sure of what to think of his suspicious, sudden teasing. “No, you don’t."

“You’re right, maybe I don’t,” he said with a side smirk.

“Ash!” I tried to hit his firm chest, but he just tightened his grip around me, restricting my moves. “Ash, let me go!” I cried.

“Nope,” he refused. He had one arm locking me down while the other reached out to my stomach, attacking me with tickles and more kisses. Ashton, in his own ways, eventually got me to rest my eyes, as the playful struggles he forced me into almost drained all of my energy that night.