What's So Good About Picking Up the Pieces?

Kellin's POV:

One year ago

“Nikon, why are you doing this?” The tears streamed down my face as I looked up at my boyfriend of nearly a year. I knew the red marks on my arms and stomach from where he had kicked and hit me would soon turn into large purple bruises.

“Kellin, you know why. We’ve gone over this time after time. I hit you because I love you. I'm simply looking out for you. You’re mine and you have to realize this. You do things to make me so mad.” He looked like he had calmed down now, his breathing was no longer labored and heavy, and he wasn’t yelling anymore. “Stop pouting, bitch. I’m the only one in this world who fucking loves you and you’re going to treat me like shit? Crying at me after I’ve treated you so damn well? I FUCKING SAVED YOU KELLIN." He's mad again. "Where would you be without me? You're so selfish sometimes!” He screams at me and throws another kick into my ribs.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Where would I be without him? I wonder this a lot, during my restless nights after Nikon hits me all day.

But then I remember the words that Nikon has literally beaten into me. Nikon saved me. I’m nothing without him. I’m worthless without Nikon.

---

Moving.

My mother just told me we were moving. The words were music to my ears; I would finally be able to get away from Nikon without actually having to leave him. I'd never have the strength to leave him. I smiled, and it wasn't a fake smile for once. My mother doesn't know that Nikon hits me; I'm good at hiding that.

"Where are we moving to?" I questioned my mother. I hoped somewhere far, like Peru or Australia or absolutely anywhere except California. Anywhere to be able to get away from him.

That's when the smile on my face turned to a look of pure horror. "I just can't afford the rent here anymore Kellin. We're moving to a smaller loft downtown, it's actually closer to Nikon! Isn't that great hun?" My mother's smile disgusted me. She disgusted me at that very moment. She was so ignorant sometimes. She thought Nikon and I’s relationship was the most perfect thing ever. Everyone thought that, actually. I was at least grateful that she was accepting of me being gay. But nobody could know that our relationship wasn't all fine and dandy. Nikon would literally kill me. I slapped another fake smile on my face and nodded.

"Just perfect." I grumbled a response to my mother before sighing and pulling myself up from the table. "I'll go start packing." I looked at my mom, who smiled at me before turning and practically running up the stairs into my room.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on the floor in my bathroom. A small, shiny razor in between my thumb and my pointer finger. Nikon always questions why I cut myself, and I always make up some excuse about home life. Little does he know, it's all him. He's the reason for everything.

And now I was moving closer to him. He would have easier access to hit me whenever he wanted. I had a sickening feeling that I'd be telling my mother that I had fallen a lot more in the near future. She must think I'm the clumsiest thing.

A bitter laugh escaped my mouth. My mother was moving me closer to hell. Closer to my end, to my demise .And she has absolutely no fucking clue. Currently, the 45 minute drive to from Nikon's house to mine was enough to keep me away from him for a few days a week. We went to different schools and he generally only came to see me on weekends.

That didn't stop the abuse though. Phone calls every single day. "Where are you? What are you doing? You better not be cheating on me. I swear I'll kill you if you ever cheat on me, boy."

When he wasn't calling me, he was sending me harassing texts. He even calls my mother and tells her I’m ill or something, just to keep me inside. He claims it's all because he loves me. I found that really hard to believe. But how would I know? I've been with him since I was 14 and he was 16. He was my first everything, first kiss, first time having sex, first love... At least that's what he says. He says we love each other. Is this what love was though? It's all I know, so I have to believe that it's real. Maybe every other couple do things like this... Maybe he actually is just being the best boyfriend ever. Keeping me in the house and marking me up might be normal. Again, I wouldn't know.

Now at 16, and him being 18, we had been together for as long as I can remember. And he always says we'll be together for much, much longer. The thought of that scares me though. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't care if this is a normal healthy relationship, I don't want to live like this. I'm fucking sick of being covered in bruises. I'd rather be alone forever.

One day... One day I'll get rid of him. I'll get away from him, and I'll be happy. I'll experience real love. At least that's what I told myself as I dragged the cold razor down my shaking arms.

Part of me knew that I was lying to myself though. Nikon saved me. Nobody else could love me, I'm disgusting. Nikon is all I have... He's all I'll ever have. I'll grow old with him, he always tells me about how we'll get married. He just says I have to learn to stop being so stupid and selfish first; I have to think about him instead of just myself. He's right; all I ever think about is how much it hurts when he hits me. How much I just want to get out of there. But I know I never will be able to.

I closed my eyes and felt the blood drip from my arm, landing in a tiny pool on the tile floor. The warm tears that were now streaming down my face followed suit, creating another liquid pool on the cold floor.

Sometimes I just wish Nikon would actually kill me like he always swears he will.