Torn

“I can’t believe you slept with her.” Sidney whispered, his eyes wide as they examined the pizza box sitting on the coffee table a few feet away from us. After a moment or so, he turned to me with a huge smile and shook his head as a soft chuckle passed his lips. “Congrats man, she’s-“

A grunt sliced through the air as I stood up from next to him and threw my hands over my head. “I don’t want a fucking congrats, Sid.” I snapped, my eyes widening larger than they have ever done so before. “This is what I was afraid of, this is what I wanted to avoid at all costs.”

“I don’t understand what the big deal is, honestly.” Sidney shrugged as he put his feet up next to the white cardboard box and slowly inched it off the table until it floated to the floor. “You slept with her, she stayed the night, and then she went home in the morning. Normal.” The brunette huffed and leaned forward grabbing the remote. “You two spoke, right?”

“Yeah, the whole time.” I mumbled as my fingers laced themselves into the messy locks on my head.

“Then calm the fuck down.”

“I can’t, I just can’t. What if she’s just being nice and stops talking to me after tomorrow? What if-“

Sidney huffed and pulled his feet from the table and placed them on the floor. Seconds later, he was standing up right in front of me, his eyes wide and lips pressed into a thin line. “If it doesn’t work out, then she isn’t the girl for you, Nealer. If you two were meant to be, then it’ll happen. I believe in that destiny shit, you should too.” Sidney rolled his eyes as he rubbed the side of his face and yawned. “Drink some tea and chill the fuck out. We have a practice tonight and if you’re going to be like this it’s going to hurt the team and piss off the coach.”

With a heavy sigh, I bowed my head down and looked at my black socks pressed against the hardwood flooring of my living room. Blinking a few times, the images of her standing in front of me, nothing but a white bra and matching lace underwear on, flashed through my mind and almost brought me to my knees. She was so gorgeous, so utterly beautiful that a part of me almost believes that the whole night was a dream. But every time I think about my fingertips tracing over the outlines of her tattoos, the burning sensation runs through me and reminds me that it was all real.

Letting the warmth fade away, I turned my back to Sidney and walked into the kitchen, my head pulsing as my eyes scanned over every thing in the kitchen. The fridge, the counter, the Keurig, even the dishwasher, she touched all of them, she used them all in front of me, and as I look at them, I could see her digging around in my fridge for chocolate to put in her milk, and I can almost hear her clumsily clink the dishes together as she loaded the dishwasher. I remember joking with her that it was unbelievable she was a hockey player for so long and so clumsy. Then she shoved my shoulder and kissed my nose., then my lips.

“James!” I shook my head and slammed my fist on the counter. “You’re cell is ringing!”

I haven’t moved that quickly in what felt like ages, and as soon as I grabbed the phone, I hit the green button and breathed out a short ‘hello’. Tapping my foot against the floor, I awaited a greeting from the other end, and hoped to god that it was Anna.

“Well Good Afternoon to you too.” Her soft voice sounded through the phone, relaxing every muscle in my body.

“Oh, Anna, Hey”, I watched as Sidney walked over to me and out his ear by the phone to hear what was going on between Anna and I.

“How are you?”

“Amazing.” I chuckled.

“I’m that good, huh?” My face turned a shade a little darker than a tomato that sent Sidney collapsing to the floor, his hands over his stomach as his eyes squeezed shut tightly and his loud and very distinct laugh filled the house, making me more embarrassed than I previously was.

Swallowing hard, I started stuttering into the phone, trying to tell the girl that Sidney wasn’t listening to us, but after a few failed attempts, and nearly all of the blood in my body rushing to my face, Anna called my name through the phone, laughed lightly, and then sighed.

She told me it was fine, that everything was absolutely fine.

I believed her. I knew when she left in the morning she caught onto how worried I was, how I tried to keep talking to her and asked her how she was and if she wanted anything nearly five hundred times. I wasn’t usually one to offer myself to someone as a servant in the morning, but this morning, when I woke up to her bright eyes, smile, and bare skin, the only thing I wanted to do was keep that smile on her face.

“Blondie is feeling better, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe get dinner with us tonight.” Her voice filled my head and drowned out the soft laughs coming from the man sitting on the floor. As I pictured her standing against the counter in the Tattoo Shop, twirling her long brown hair, I smiled and put my hand over my eyes, trying to keep the image alive as long as possible.

“Sounds great but I have practice, I think around five.”

“We don’t get out until eight or nine, depending on if we get any walk-ins. If you’re too tired we could-“

“Take out.” I called into the phone quickly. “Lets get take out, my place, maybe some of the guys will swing by if that’s okay with you.” I smiled into the phone, my heart racing, hoping, and praying that she would say yes.

After a few seconds, Anna giggled and then her voice sounded through my cell phone. “Sure James, that sounds great! Want us to bring anything?”

“Just yourselves.”

“I think I can manage that.” She whispered with a smile in her voice. “I’ll see you later than Mr. Neal.”

“Alright, bye Anna.” I swallowed hard, my nerves exploding through my body as I thought about her saying that she loved me, but as I whispered a small good-bye back, I shut my eyes and tried to push that thought out of my head.

It was too soon. This wasn’t going to work out.

I know last night fucked us up.



The day was flying by, and it was really starting to freak me out. The first glance at the clock would shock me, and then when I looked back at what felt like five minutes later, it would be closing in on the next hour. I would still be in the same spot, and there wouldn’t be any new customers in the shop.

“It’s almost time to close up, Anna.” Skylar sang as she walked out of the back room and started taking things off of counters and storing them in the cabinets. “We have a date with your boyfriend and-“

“He’s no my boyfriend”, I shot back quickly, my eyes wide as my fingers dug into the desktop. “I just got out of a lifetime relationship why-“

“You fucked him, you’re going to be dating in like a week, I bet.” Skylar chuckled as she turned away from me and continued to clean up the shop for the late open tomorrow. “I must be rubbing off on you, I mean-“

My heart pounded in my head as I stood up and walked over to the front door. Fingers trembling, I pushed the door open, letting the bell sound, and then sat down at the closest bench, letting the chilly air work its way through the little open holes of my huge sweater. Shutting my eyes, I put my hands over my face and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm my nerves.

Nothing seemed to be working.

There was something about me that changed when I was with James. I was never a girl to just sleep with someone. I mean, I basically had just slept with one guy my entire life, but when he looked at me with those eyes, and his lips tugged into that smile, I lost that boundary I had set up for myself when I was in high school. I always liked to think that sleeping around was gross, I always had the belief that you only sleep with people you really love, but…

Did I really go back on that belief?

My head started to pound as I thought about James again. For the past ten hours, he was the only thing on my mind. No matter what music I listened to, no matter what I spoke about, in the back of my mind, he was the only thing that really mattered, the only thing I could truly focus on. My brain was so obsessed with this man, that it scared me.

Was I in love with him, or was I setting us up for failure. Am I using him? What would that even mean? How do I even use someone? How do I even set someone up as a rebound? If I didn’t really know what that meant or how that worked, could I do it?

Every inch of my body was aching, as my thoughts grew louder inside of my skull. My brain was about to liquefy from the pain, and my eyes were enduring a sledgehammer to the back of them. I was an absolute fucking mess, and I was supposed to be seeing him in a matter of minutes now.

“Hey, is everything okay, babe?” A hand wrapped around my shoulders causing my body to stiffen. Inhaling sharply, I turned to see a wave of blonde hair that shifted and gave way to the curious look plastered on Skylar’s face. “I’m sorry if my jokes hurt your feelings, I wasn’t trying to-“

“I… I’m scared, Sky.” I breathed, my eyes widening as I looked down at the vans sneakers digging into the cement. “I can’t figure this out. I can’t… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

Skylar paused for a moment and looked at me, her huge eyes running over every inch of my face. After a few seconds, she sighed and pulled me into her, placing her chin on the top of her head as my face rested on her shoulder. “It’s tough”, she whispered into my hair. “You’ll get through this, Anna. You’re stronger than you think. Everything will fall into place, so just, enjoy it while it’s here.”

“Yeah?” I pulled away from her and blinked a few times, trying to fight back the sick feeling rushing through me.

“Yeah”, her huge eyes locked on mine. “If you and James were meant to be together, no matter what shit happens now, it won’t matter.”

Silence filled the space between us for a minute or so before Skylar took a deep breath and turned to me, her lips pulled into a smirk. “So, was he good?”

“If I answer, do you promise to never, ever, ever, ask me that again?” I chuckled as I looked down at my hands now resting on my thighs. Glancing over at the blonde, I caught her nodding enthusiastically and moving her thin body closer to me. Once she stopped and placed her chin on my shoulder, I chuckled and nodded. “It was incredible.”

As soon as the last word hit the air, Skylar jumped to her feet, making a strange higher-pitched squeal and then gasped as the familiar black luxury car pulled up in front of the shop and parked. Huge eyes darting back to mine, the blonde jerked her head back and started laughing as she walked over to me and sat back down on the bench, her hands covering her face as she continued to laugh at the irony of the situation.

“Hey”, James said nervously as he watched Skylar with a furrowed brow.

“Sorry ‘bout her.” I said shortly and gave the blonde’s shoulder a small shove as I stood up and sucked in a small breath, my eyes not moving further than the collar of James’ shirt. “How was practice?”

He shrugged, his strong shoulders changing my view from the buildings to the fabric of his sweatshirt. “It was rough, honestly.” I could feel his eyes on me. “I had a lot on my mind, so-“

I swallowed hard and dropped my eyes to my feet.

“I’m sorry.”

“About what?” James laughed a little. His fingers carefully moved over to my chin and tilted my head up so I was looking at his face, the one thing I didn’t want to see just yet. I wanted to figure this out first. I wanted to understand what was going on in my mind first, and that wasn’t going to happen when I was staring at that beautiful smile. “If I did something wrong, Anna, please tell me.” He whispered in a hushed tone so we could only hear it.

Shaking my head, I moved forward and gave him a quick peck on the lips before pressing my feet firmly back into the cement beneath me. “I think I’m thinking too much.”

“I can understand that completely.” James breathed as his teeth pulled his bottom lip up and started chewing on it. “I really like you Anna, and...” James paused and looked up at the sky and sighed. “…And I should probably talk to you later, not in the middle of Pittsburgh.”

“Yeah”, I frowned and felt my heart beat slower in my chest.

“This is all a jumble and-“

“Yeah.” The pain in my chest started to worsen as James looked away from me and a ran a hand over his chin.

“It’s just I don’t think last night was supposed to happen and-“

“Ready?” Skylar walked back outside causing James to stop mid-sentence and bite down roughly on his bottom lip. As he darted his eyes to my face, his frown deepened and he went to speak when Skylar walked over to us and took me under her arm, laughing as she started talking about all the take out food she wanted, and was going to not pay for.

Although James and I shared a laugh at Skylar’s obnoxious words, a small frown stuck to both of our faces. I couldn’t get his words out of my head, and the more they replayed in my head, the more I realized that my life was on a downward spiral and the collision with the rock bottom was coming faster than I anticipated.