Torn

” It’s just I don’t think last night was supposed to happen and I think… I think it would be better if we wee just friends for now.” His voice resonated in my head, repeating the same thing over and over again until I had finally had enough, and pushed myself out of my comatose like slumber and back into the real world.

Blinking hard, I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and let out a long groan as a pound started to form in the front of my head. My stomach knotted and twisted uncomfortably tight as my body slowly regained it’s feeling. A mixture of anger and sickness welled up in my stomach making its actions amplify.

“Why?”

“Malibu and Bailey’s is why my little lush.” Skylar appeared next to me, her bright eyes shimmering as she held up the two bottles she had previously mentioned and waved them in the air. “Probably the worst two things to mist taste wise, but they sure as shit did what they were supposed to?”

“Poison me?” I groaned as my stomach sloshed around causing a wave of queasiness to rush through my body. A part of me wanted to just throw up right on the floor, but I had enough respect for Skylar than to be that friend who throws up on their rugs and falls back to sleep leaving them to clean it up. “What did I do?”

Skylar bit down on her lip a she walked over to the couch and sat on the edge of the cushion, turning to me and pushing the hair off of my face. As her eyes inspected mine for a minute, her bright eyes dulled and she twitched her nose, something she did when she was torn between saying the honest thing and lying.

“James played the lets be friends card after dinner so we hung around a little, and then when we came home you drank until you passed out.”

“I’m a loser.” I huffed as I pressed the pillow I had fallen asleep on over my face. “I can’t believe I slept with that fucker. Oh my god, that means I must have been really shitty in bed.” I cried as I kicked my feet up and down and let the wave of embarrassment wash over me.

“Don’t be an idiot.” Skylar ripped the pillow out of my grasp and tossed it onto the floor. As I pouted she grabbed my cheek and pulled it out, sending me a cheeky smile as she tilted her head and sighed. “You were probably the best fuck that fuck has ever gotten, but you’re a lovely little basket with a damaged goods label on it, and that scares people.”

“I’m lovely and little though.” I slurred as my mind had enough of the serious words and begged me to fall back asleep in order to end the conversation and the sick feeling pulsing through my body.

“You are”, Skylar laughed as she kissed my forehead and then stood up, stretching and letting out a long yawn. “I don’t expect you to show up at work later, so stay home, eat some mac and cheese, and rest, okay? You’re going to be in some serious pain in about an hour, and I want you to be okay by tomorrow.”

“Hmmmm, tomorrow?” I rolled onto my side, let a wave of sickness pass me, and then sighed. “What’s that?”

“We’re going to a Pens game, remember?”

“No.” I said quickly and then let out a long, loud, groan. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” I repeated as I slammed my head back into the couch cushion and then shook it back and forth, letting the loose strands of hair fly back and forth across my face. “I’m sick, I have swine flu, I’m contagious, I’ll infect all of Pittsburgh, naht happenin’.” I continued as Skylar let out a loud laugh and then stood up, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a glass from the cabinet and filling it with the filtered tap water.

As she grabbed the bottle of Advil and walked back over to me, she twisted the cap off, poured out three little pills, then handed them to me and then gave me the glass of water. “Take these with this, eat some toast with butter, watch some movies, and I’ll grab dinner and some pastries on the way home, okay?”

“Can we get married?”

“I don’t swing that way baby-doll.” She cooed and kissed my forehead again before standing up and grabbing her wallet and keys from the coffee table. “Stay away from the alcohol, don’t talk to James, and call me if you need anything.”

“Love you Blondie.”

“Love you, babe.” She sang as she walked out of the front door and quietly shut it behind her. As soon as I heard the small click sound through the apartment, I slowly moves so I was sitting up, popped the pills one by one into my mouth and took them with a few gulps of water.

Once I finished the glass I wrapped myself up in the blanket she had tossed over me in the middle of the night and slowly got to my feet. As I stumbled through the living room and over to the kitchen, I sighed heavily and silently wished that I hadn’t taken the easy way out of the previous night. I wish I just took what he said and rolled with it. I wish I didn’t go home and drown myself in vodka until I passed out. I wish I just accepted the fact that Sky was right, I was damaged now, and I was in no shape or position to move on so fast.

Sure, I saw James as my night and shining armor. I put him on a pedestal and fell in love with him a little too fast, but how could I not? He was so nice, so sincere and so opposite of the monster I had lived with for so long. He was so perfect, he was so fucking perfect.

“Ugh, what am I thinking”, I barked at myself as I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned myself, still wrapped in the blanket against the counter. “Get over it ya loser.” I scolded and looked down at my feet, the black fuzzy socks James had given me the previous night still hanging loosely off my feet.

Frowning, I wiggled my toes and realized how warm they had kept me through the night. I wanted to call him and thank him for the socks. I wanted to thank him for everything. I wanted to tell him that it was okay he didn’t like me, that it was okay he was afraid of me because honestly. I was a little afraid of me too.

I didn’t do this. I didn’t drink like this. I never really drank at all. My life had been so set, so mapped out for me that I didn’t know what to do with the amount of freedom I had. I was never aloud to talk to so many people. I was never aloud to go out so much and have so much fun. I was never free enough to make friends, or spend this much time with Skylar, or fall this in love with someone else. Someone that wouldn’t hit me or scream at me, or cheat on me.

Tears started to well up in my eyes as I thought about him. Thought about the man I was going to marry, the man I so blindly stuck by for so long. The man that tore me down; tore me down to absolutely nothing; the man that made me so damaged, so scary, so unwanted.

I wanted to scream at him, punch him and kick him, give him bruises where he gave me them, break bones and dislocate things like he did. I wanted to make him afraid of me, I wanted him to feel the same betrayal and sadness I felt. I wanted to make him just as damaged and fucked up as I was. I wanted him to be jealous of how well I was. How perfect I was doing without him. I wanted to show him that I didn’t need him, I didn’t need a big house and a fancy car.

Grinding my teeth together, I angrily pushed the tears away from my eyes and looked back down at James’ socks still hanging on my feet. Blinking a few tears away, I bent down, pulling the socks up as high as they could go along my legs, and then stood back up, letting the dizziness and rush of blood to my head pass.

There was no doubt in my mind that the effects of the alcohol I had consumed last night in efforts to erase James’ denial out of my mind was still in my system, and it was probably part of the reason I wanted to talk to him so bad. So with my slightly altered mind, I grabbed my cell phone from the counter, unplugged it from the charger, and waddled myself back over to the couch.

Dropping my body back into the cushions I have been calling my bed for the last few weeks, I wrapped the blanket tighter around my body until it was like a cocoon. Once I was snug, I unlocked my phone, and through narrowed eyes navigated through my contacts until I found his phone number.

Checking the time, I shrugged, hit send, and then laid the phone down next to me head and put it on speaker.

It was two rings before he answered.

“Morning sunshine.” He sang into the phone.

“I’m a large rain cloud this morning.” I huffed causing the brunette on the other end to let out a loud cackle. “I may have drank a little when I came home last night.”

“You? Drink? A lot?” He questioned, the shock in his voice even noticeable to someone who was quiet possibly still half in the bag from the previous night. “What in the hell did you drink?” He was laughing at me now.

“Baileys and Malibu.”

“Together? That’s disgusting.” He snorted.

“No, I had like Malibu and then I made a hot Cocoa, I think.” I shut my eyes and groaned a little as I tried to poke my brain to remember exactly what I drank last night when I came home. “It was more like Bailey’s with a shot of hot cocoa.”

James laughed at this, and he kept laughing through our whole meaningless conversation about absolutely nothing. We talked about my absurd drinking, how funny I was when I was half asleep, and how nice it as to have stupid conversations with rain clouds sometimes. Through it all, I couldn’t get myself to admit to him why I had really called because I wasn’t even sure why. I wanted to thank him for the socks he lent me, but deep down I really wanted to apologize to him. I wanted to apologize for making him think I wanted him for a rebound, making him be around someone who was so fucked up, so not for him, so not worth it.

“Are you coming to the game tomorrow, it’s against the Flyers, it’s huge.” James seemed excited and there was no way I could tell him I what I wanted too, so instead I went off his words.

“Sky and I are.” I sang as I rolled on my back and looked up at the ceiling. The second my eyes locked on a few cracks, I followed them over to the window and then let my attention trickle down the wall and over to the window. As I looked outside, I felt my lips twist into a smile.

It was raining.

“It’s raining.” I whispered as I grabbed my cell phone and sat up on the couch, directing my eyes out of the window. “Hey James, look at the rain.”

“It’s raining?” He questioned. After a few loud rustling noises he hummed and then yawned a little. “So it is, I haven’t even got out of my bed, I didn’t even realize it.”

“I love the rain.”

“I know you do.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “And you love pastries and the Bruins and I’m pretty sure you love Skylar more than you could ever love anyone else.”

“I proposed to her this morning, but she shot me down.” I was smiling, smiling so much that I couldn’t even help it. Just hearing him recite my favorite things, and knowing he was watching the rain too, it made me so happy. Happier than I had been in days. Happier than I had ever been with Brady, or with anyone.

James laughed a little and we fell into a calm silence as the sound of the rain filled the air and echoed through the other end of the phone. Minutes ticked by as we sat there, the rhythm of the rain replacing our words. It was enough to lull me back to sleep, but as soon as I was about to doze off, his warm, soft, voice flowed back into my head.

“Why did you really call me, Anna?” I knew he would ask. I knew he couldn’t just talk about rain clouds and pastries with me.

My heart was rapidly beating in my chest as I thought about everything I wanted to say, all of the things I wanted to apologize for. I wanted to tell him I was sorry for dragging him into my life, I was sorry for making him so important to me, paying with his emotions, and sleeping with him. I wanted to apologize for scaring him away, for making him feel like a rebound or whatever he felt like to deem us just friends.

I wanted to cry into his shoulder and try to fix everything. I wanted to tell him everything that was on my mind.

But I didn’t.

“I wanted to thank you for lending me these socks.” I blurted out as I tore my eyes from the pouring rain and dropped them onto the dark blue blanket that was wrapped around my body. “They’re awesome.”

“That’s all?” He seemed relieved, and it killed me to know he didn’t want to talk about it either. That he didn’t want me to try to explain myself to him or fix things. It killed me to know that he really just wanted to be friends.

“I’m a woman of simple things.” I whispered and listened as he laughed again. I could just picture his bright eyes shimmering in the dim lighting of his bedroom, I could see the little lines sprouting out of the end of his eye where his skin crinkled, I could picture his face perfectly.

“Do you want to get lunch?”

My heart beat painfully in my chest.

“Maybe not, I… I’m sick and-“

“I knew you were mad about what I said last night, but I still want to-“

“Stop, I agreed.”

“I know you didn’t want to though.”

“Well, you wanted me to so-“

“I kind of didn’t.”

“Fucking hell James Neal, I am tired of this back and forth bull shit.” I screamed, as my head was about to split open from out conversation. I wanted to reach through the phone and wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze. I wanted to pound my fists against his chest and into his face. I wanted the truth; I didn’t want to be fucked around with like this. I didn’t want to chase him in circles. It was black and white, not grey.

He was silent for a minute before he let a heavy sigh through the phone. “Why did you agree to be friends?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you, ya fuck.” I barked, my fingers digging into my stomach as I held onto it, the urge to throw up growing as our conversation went on. “I love you James, and I don’t know why, and I know it’s too soon, and I know I’m not the best choice, I know I’m fucked up and ‘damaged goods’ or whatever the fuck it is but-“

“Hey, whoa, hold on.” James interjected in a stern voice. “I never said any of those things.”

“Then why did you suddenly want to be friends? Was I that bad in bed? Was-“

“I can’t do this right now.”

“I’m not going to the fucking game.” I huffed and before he could make a snappy comeback, I hung up the phone and tossed it onto the couch near my feet. Blood boiling, I turned on my side, pulling the blankets over my head, and sunk down into the couch, letting the pains in my stomach grow and then die down for what felt like hours until I drifted back to sleep.

James’ Point of View

I took the closest thing to me and flung it against the far wall of my bedroom. As the remote cracked the wall and sent the batteries flying across the room, I screamed and pressed my fingers into my eyes, trying to stop the horrible pound in my head.

I was so fucking stupid.

I never thought I would regret not taking Sidney fucking Crosby’s advice on girls. The man that still believes in chivalry, the man that makes love to his hockey gloves gave me the best advice out of everyone, the advice I should have taken, and I rejected it.

I was so, so, so, fucking dumb.

Grabbing my cell from the night table, I quickly dialed his number and let out another aggravated scream before listening to his voice echo from the other end.

“Hey Nealer, what’s up?” His voice sounded fresh, like he had been up all morning. I could just picture him sitting in his huge house watching hockey movies and taping his stick all alone, listening to fucking Mozart and being perfect about everything all the fucking time.

The anger I had toward him was unexplainable.

“I need your fucking advice.”

“Whoa, chill out, grab some tea.” He laughed.

Him and the fucking, fucking, tea. I didn’t want any goddamn tea, I wanted him to tell me I did the right thing. I wanted him to just tell me I made the right choice. “I told Anna that we should just be friends.”

“What the fuck, why?” He whined through the phone causing my anger to surge.

“Not what I wanted to hear, at all.” I barked and slammed my fist into the bed a few times before calming myself down enough to listen to him talk.

“I thought you loved her?”

“Yeah.” I snapped.

“So why would you want to be her friend?”

“I thought it would be better for her since-“

“Isn’t she the one who came onto you James? She’s into you, like unbelievably into you, I don’t think the other guy really means anything anymore. I know it’s been like a month or so, but sometimes when it’s that bad, when it’s over its over. I mean hell, it could have been over a while ago and she was just there because she had no one to go to.”

“How do you know this stuff.” I whined into the phone, letting the guilt and rage eat away at my stomach.

“Movies.” I could just see him shrugging and drinking his damn tea. “You wanna come over for lunch?”

“Will you make me some tea?” I whispered and listened as he let out one of his obnoxious laughs and then huffed. I couldn’t help but to crack a smile myself.

“Yeah Nealer, I’ll make you some tea, I’ll make sure to get the ‘I fucked up and need to relax tea.” The boy cackled from the other end of the phone causing me to roll my eyes a few times.

“Just make me some fucking tea and tell me how to get Anna back, alright?” I was so glad that this giant dork was helping me out.

“Yeah, yeah, just hurry up, I’m just about to finish the last episode of Friends and if you’re not here I’m going to start the last season and if I do, there’s no going back until I’m finished.”

“You’re a freak, Sid.” I laughed and after a short goodbye, I placed the phone on my forehead and let out a long sigh.

I’m going to fix this; I can’t let it end like this.

I can’t lose her.