Torn

ONCE THE GAME WAS OVER, I WAS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT POSITIVE I was actually a big burly man, and not the shorter, slim, female that I saw when I looked into the mirror. The curse words and insults that flew from my mouth sounded foreign to my ears, but at the same time reminded me of a time, a purely happy time, where I would watch Bruins games every other night and yell at the TV with my dad in the same fashion. Once I had settled down after the game, Skylar took me under her arm and gave me a kiss on the forehead as she polished off the rest of the golden liquid that was in her cup.

“Three beers and I feel like I had one, either they’re watering this shit down, or I have the alcohol tolerance of a bear.” The blonde laughed, pulling me closer to her side as we started to head out toward the hallway. The game had ended about fifteen minutes ago, but we decided to stay to see the three stars of the game, chat with guys who sat in front of us and kept us as loud and obnoxious as we could possibly be.

After everything, it was probably the most fun I had in Pittsburgh, ever.

“I thought we were going to see your piece of hot hockey ass after the game!” Skylar pouted as we headed down into the hallway, and started heading toward the escalators. “Imagine what he, no, imagine what they all look like after a game like that? All sweaty and their muscles are all-“

“Sky!” I barked, laughter escaping my mouth as she gave me a dreamy look and then slapped her hand on her heart, batting her eyelashes as we hit the escalators and leaned against the sides across from each other. “You’re pretty fucked up, Blondie.” We both made a goofy face at each other and then hopped off the escalator and headed toward the front doors.

Quietly laughing together, we walked over to the front doors, and the walked out to the sidewalk where large groups of fans were standing, talking loudly, howling, and making absolute fools out of themselves. As Skylar and I hung back and watched them all, we started to talk about work the next day when my phone started to buzz in my jeans.

Sucking in a short breath, I reached into my back pocket and turned the phone over, showing me the name on the screen. As my eyes traced over the five letter long name, I felt my stomach knot uncomfortably.

Glancing over at Skylar, who was scrolling through something on her phone, I hit the green button on the screen and took a few steps away from her, turning away and sighing slightly as the man’s voice came through the other end.

“Babe, can I talk to you?” I roughly bit down on my lip as I watched the blonde woman I was with glance over at me and immediately frown. “I just want you to come home, babe, I… I shouldn’t have treated you like that this morning, I just had such a rough night and-“

“Brady, I don’t want to talk about this now, I-“

“Just come home, Anna.” He whispered, sadness pouring into his words. “The game is over, isn’t it? Just come home so we can talk.”

“I can’t just go home, I had plans and-“

“Anna, please.” I squeezed my eyes shut as his voice filled my head, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. After a minute, I whispered a small ‘okay’ and then pulled the phone from my ear and hit the red button on the screen.

Placing the edge of the phone against my lips, I blinked a few times and then watched as Skylar walked over to me and placed her hands on my shoulders, pulling me into a huge hug as I slipped my phone back into my pocket and pressed my forehead against her shoulder and let out a deep sigh as my mind ran through choices of what I could do.

I could stay here and wait around, go out and drink, or go home and face the man I had been questioning my love for since James barged into my life.

Cringing, I pulled away from Skylar’s shoulder and looked up into her bright eyes. Without saying a word, she gave me a solemn nod, kissed the top of my head, and then pulled me back under her shoulder and started walking us back to the parking lot where my car was parked.

The drive back to Skylar’s apartment was filled with the soft hum of the menzingers CD that was spinning in the radio. As song after song played, I felt my heart sink down further and further into my stomach and my nerves vibrate under my skin. The thought of not meeting up with James after the game weighed down on my shoulders, poking at my heartstrings while the thought of facing Brady tonight, and hearing him feed me more and more bullshit, just like the bullshit he had fed me every time that we had this fight.

I felt like I was in a rut, and every time I went through it, my patience for the man I was supposed to be marrying grew thin.

“Hey Anna”, Skylar turned to me as I pulled up in front of her apartment building. As her bright eyes locked onto mine, I sucked in a deep breath and nodded, gesturing her to go on. “I know that… I don’t want this to come out wrong or anything, but… If you need me tonight, just call me okay. Just don’t hesitate to call me.”

Skylar Lincoln had never been serious in her life. The blonde I had grown to call my best friend and non-biological sister was constantly in a free-spirited, everything will fall into place, not a worry in the world, attitude. I always knew the day she turned serious it would have to do with me in some way or another. I knew the first time I had ever told her about Brady’s mood swing, and I saw the small glint in her eye, that her drastic personality change would be directed at something like this.

“He’s not like that, Sky.” I defended him despite the bitter taste filling my mouth. I used to know the man I shared a bed with like the back of my hand, but as we graduated and entered the real world, he started to change. Not all at once, but one by one, things started to change about him. The twinkle that was always in his eyes when he saw me started to fade, and the warm feeling that I thought would never leave my stomach had disappeared.

A frown not cemented onto my lips, I blinked hard and pulled the girl into a tight hug before kissing her cheek and telling her to go sleep off her beer so she didn’t have a headache tomorrow. Smiling at me, she flipped me off, unbuckled her seatbelt and then left the car, her fingers playing with the hem of her jersey as she shut the car door and gave me one more worried smile before she headed into the building, her shoulders pushed forward.

I couldn’t take the feeling that was washing over me. A mixture of guilt and something else, something I had never felt in my life swirled around and made me feel like there were millions of tiny ants walking under my skin. While I wanted to turn the car around and drive back to the Consol Energy Center to see James, I also wanted to go home and find a razor and peel the top layer of my skin off just to get rid of the feeling.

The drive home took fifteen minutes. As I pulled into the driveway and killed the engine, I wished and prayed that I would walk inside and Brady would already be fast asleep in our bed, but as soon as I conjured the courage to look up at our house, my eyes fell on the large window I usually sat in during thunderstorms and watched as the light flicked on, and a shadowed figure moved by it toward the front door.

Every nerve in my body exploded as I thought of facing him. A part of me wished that James would come home and see me. I wished that he would intervene and stop me from going into that house and dealing with whatever was going to happen. I needed an excuse to not walk through that front door.

But I found myself walking through it five minutes later, my fingers tightly wound around my wallet.

I kicked off my combat boots and swallowed the lump in my throat. “Hey Brady, I’m home.” My voice was steady despite how scared I was. I had never been afraid of this man in my life, I was never the one to believe that people could change like this, but the way he acted this morning, and the way Skylar looked at me, the pure worry in her bright eyes, it made me rethink everything I thought about Brady. It made me open my eyes a little wider to see that maybe his normal snarky comments and rude actions weren’t normal.

“Oh hey”, he appeared in front of me a few seconds later. His eyes were bright and relaxed, his face was clean-shaven and his body was covered in a baggy pear of black sweats and a white tee shirt.

Forcing a smile, he walked over to me and took me into a tight hug before he let me go and ran a hand through his short hair, his eyes instantly connecting with mine. With a small nod, he sighed heavily and grabbed my hands in his, holding them out in front of him.

The feeling of his skin on mine made my blood run cold.

“I’m so sorry about this morning, Anna.” He whispered, his eyes rising to mine. “I should have never said anything I said or acted the way I did. Taking my shitty work days out on you… It’s not right and-“

I was sick almost instantly. “I’m… I don’t feel well.” I blurted out, my eyes widening as Brady quickly picked his hand up and put it by my face. As I flinched, he sent me a strange look and then softly pressed his warm head to my forehead and frowned a little. “

“You’re not hot, but you do look really pale, let me make you some chicken noodle soup and-“

“N-no, no.” I shook my head and placed my hands on his shoulders, my eyes involuntarily connecting with his. As I peered into them, I felt tears push at the back of my eyes. The love and warmth I would feel when I looked at him, the numbness that coursed through my skin, and the knots in my stomach from his touch were all absent. It frightened me in the worst way that someone that I once wanted to marry, I didn’t even want to speak to.

Brady convinced me that a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some tea would make me feel better. I tried for a few minutes to convince him he should get to bed and I could do it myself, but he refused, and told me to go change into my pajamas and when I got back downstairs it would be ready.

Once I walked into our bedroom, I felt my stomach tighten like it was about to push whatever was inside of it up my throat and passed my teeth. Goosebumps smothered my skin as I walked over to my dresser and quickly pulled out a large Boston Bruins sweatshirt and a pair of yoga pants. Changing into them, I tossed my clothes into the hamper and then took the Penguins Jersey James had brought me and held it out in front of me, the back of it facing me as I ran my eyes over the last name and number a few hundred times.

“Hey babe, it’s done!” Brady called upstairs, his voice strong and caring. With a small sigh, I folded the jersey up and went to set it down on the dresser when I noticed a piece of pink fabric poking out from under the bed.

Placing the jersey onto the dresser, I walked over to the bed and grabbed the piece of fabric and tugged on it. As I held it up in my hands, I felt every organ in my body turn to ice. Eyes tracing over the pink lace bra, I desperately tried to come up with a memory of it, I tried to remember something about it, something that connected me to the piece of clothing, but after a few minutes, I came up with nothing.

I was at a complete loss as I looked at the bra in my hands. It looked like it was my size, but not something I would ever wear. It wasn’t mine, but who else could own it? I was the only person who was ever home anyway. When I wasn’t home, Brady was at work most of the time, and even if I wasn’t home, it would usually be when he just got back from a long shift at the hospital. It wasn’t…

It wasn’t…

“Did you hear me call you?” His breath hit the back of my neck, making every hair on my body stand on edge. A sickness washed over me as I felt the pink lingerie fall from my fingers and land on the floor. “Is that new?” He questioned, his eyes calmly tracing over the fabric.

“Oh… I… It must be old.” I breathed, my mind reeling. “I… I don’t want to get you sick, Babe.” I met his eyes with mine and watched as he frowned a little and placed his fingers on my hips. As he dug the tips of them into my skin, I winced in pain and looked up at him, confused.

“Are you not telling me something, Anna?” His voice was so calm and relaxed as he applied more pressure into my hips that I wanted to scream out and run right there and then, but I kept my composure.

“I might throw up on you, but that’s all.” I forced the sarcastic remark from my mouth despite my speeding heart and waited as Brady let out a small chuckle and lifted his grip from my hips.

With a small sigh he spun me around in his arms, planted a kiss on my lips, and then walked over to the bed. Peeling back the blankets, he sat down and looked at his hands as he spoke. “You know I love you more than anything in the world, right Anna?” I nodded as he looked over at me. “Good, don’t forget that. Now go eat your soup, and come to bed when you feel better.”

Forcing a smile, I turned on my heels and quickly walked out of the room and down the stairs. Heart racing, stomach sick, and nerves frantic under my skin, I walked into the living room and stared at the bowl of soup and mug sitting on the coffee table. Just as I was about to sit down, I looked through the large window and watched as the black luxury car pulled into the driveway across the street.

In a split second decision, I turned from the bowl of soup on the coffee table and walked over to the front door. Heart beat loud in my head, I slipped into my black moccasins and quietly opened the door. Slowing my breath, I slipped out of the front door, quietly shut it and then jogged down the sidewalk and across the street, checking over my shoulder every two seconds to make sure the large window on the second floor facing the street stayed dark.

When I reached the edge of the man’s driveway, I noticed the shake in my limbs. “James?”

“Anna?” The man whirled around and looked at me, his eyes wide and glowing from the moonlight. “What happened I thought after the game-“

“I’m so sorry, like so, so, so, sorry. Skylar and I were going to wait, we were thinking of… We didn’t know where to go and then Brady called and I…” I paused as I checked the large window behind me and swallowed hard, “I had to get home and-“

All of my words stopped as soon as James dropped his large duffle bag and placed his large, warm, hands on either side of my face and directed my eyes into his. As his eyebrows met in the center of his forehead, he shook his head a little and frowned.

“Anna, is everything okay?” The pure worry that smothered his features made me want to burst into tears right there and then, but instead, I swallowed my pride and nodded once.

“Everything is perfect James, everything is perfect.”

I wanted to take those words back as soon as they fell from my lips. I wanted to tell him how scared I was and how all of this suddenly happened. I wanted to tell him how I suddenly became aware of the toxic relationship I was in, but instead of telling him, instead of telling the closet person to the house the one person that could actually see if something was going on, what I was afraid of, I let my pride and self-dependency take over.

It was going to bite me in the ass, I was sure of it.