Torn

JAMES STAYED WITH ME UNTIL ONE IN THE MORNING. During his stay, I finally got to know the man that had barged into my life at the best time and became a pillar of strength and a shield of safety for me. He was born and raised in Whitby, Ontario, Canada, played hockey all of his life, had three younger brothers and a sister, and had been traded to Pittsburgh during the last season from Dallas.

In Dallas, he thought he had found the love of his life. They dated for two years, and in the beginning of his third season with the Stars, the season he ultimately got traded during, he asked the girl to marry him. Two days before he left for Pittsburgh he popped the question, and she promptly declined and broke up with him in the same sentence.

With that story, James explained his stance against marriage. He thought it was dumb, pointless, and a waste of money – not because he wanted to go around and fuck all the girls he wanted, but he felt like even after two years, or seven in my case, you never really know the person. Anyone could change, and the idea of marrying someone who you don’t really know, the idea of sharing everything – bank accounts, vacations, beds- with someone that could ultimately hurt you one day seemed stupid to him.

Although I had grand delusions of getting married under the light pitter-patter of rain, while the smell filled the air and lightning created beautiful designs in the sky, I couldn’t help to agree with the man. Marriage was horrifying, and the thought that I had almost legally cemented myself to someone like Brady solidified that new fear.

Once James and I knew almost everything about each other, I made us almond butter and grape jelly sandwiches. As we ate them still sitting in the middle of my kitchen at the island, I felt every guard that I usually put up while I was home fall down. There was something so soothing about James, there was something so comforting about his smile and words that I couldn’t be afraid around him. I felt safe around him. The last man I had felt completely safe around was my father.

After lunch, I thought James was going to leave, but instead he offered to watch some television. Not wanting to lose the scent of his cologne from my head or the sense of safety, I complied and sat with him on my couch as he flipped through the channels and rambled on and on about his friends on the Penguins. He told me about the stupid pranks that they would pull on each other, how they quickly became his best friends and made him into a better player. At the end of his ramblings, he informed me that the guys would love me and I should hang out with them some time.

The invitation warmed my heart, but after so many years of being told guys only want to speak to me to get into my pants, I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming anxiety about meeting that many men that I didn’t know.

“Most of them have wives and children”, James commented when he noticed my hesitation to answer. “In all honestly, there’s only about five guys on the team that don’t have anyone, and I’m one of them.”

Looking over at the man, I nodded slightly, letting the anxiety lift as we smiled at each other and then directed our attention back to the movie that was playing on the television. Once ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ was over and we shared a small conversation about how many stars were in the movie and how fantastic Jim Carry was, James quickly stole the remote from me and cringed as he navigated through the channels until NBCSN was playing on my TV.

Standing up, he informed me that there was a Bruins game on tonight, they were playing the Canadiens, and although the Bruins were an enemy of his on a professional level, he would sit through the game with me, because after such a rough week, I deserved a little relaxation.

Watching my favorite hockey teams biggest rival wasn’t exactly relaxing, but I understood where he was coming from, and happily sat on the couch with him, watching the game as he grabbed the menu from the closest sushi take out restaurant and started asking me what I wanted and circling things on the menu.

During the second intermission, around nine o’clock, the doorbell rang and a young boy handed James over the food. He paid for all of it, informing me that my portion of the bill was nothing in comparison to the mound of food he had ordered. Seeing no way out of it, I grabbed my vegetarian rolls of sushi, informed him I would have to buy him more pastries, and then dug into my food as James sat down right next to me, the containers of sushi sitting on our laps as we rested out feet on the coffee table and watched the rest of the game.

The game ended in a 5 to 1 Bruins win, and James turned on another movie for us to watch. I was tired, and my shoulder was giving me a little pain, but I couldn’t find it in me to kick James out. Not because I didn’t want to be rude, but because I really didn’t want him to leave. There was only one other person in my life that I could lounge around and have fun with, and that was Skylar. It was nice to know that I now had another.

During the second movie James turned on, I found myself drifting off to sleep, my head on his stomach as he forced himself to stay awake, his big blue eyes tracing over the huge window in the living room every once in a while as his calloused fingers ran through my hair.

I had eventually fallen asleep on the man, and during my slumber, he slipped out from under me, ventured through my house, found a blanket, and a pillow, and then shook my good shoulder, getting my half awake attention for about three solid minutes. He told me he was going to head home before Brady came home. Then he kissed my nose and ran his hand over my forehead, smiling as I hummed and pushed my face against his hand like a small cat begging for attention. With a chuckle, he told me that he was right next-door, that I had his phone number, and he wanted a text message informing him what was going on, and if he didn’t get one within ten minutes of Brady coming home, he was coming over.

Nodding, I flashed him a huge smile, thanked him nearly a hundred times, and then watched as he shot me a sad smile before walking out of the front door and leaving me all alone in my house like a duck waiting to come face to face with the hunter and his shot gun.

I somehow managed to fall asleep after James had left. I guess the safe feeling he gave me lingered after he left and helped lull me back into a dreamless sleep until I was woken up by a kiss on my lips, and poison draining into my stomach. The immediate sick feeling that washed over me as soon as the lips were off mine made my eyes snap open, and a frown flash onto my face.

“Hey Anna”, his voice was soft and caring as he lightly sat down on the edge of the couch and pulled the blanket James had set over me down so he could see the sling hanging from my shoulder. “How’s your shoulder?”

“Okay”, I muttered, my eyes still trying to adjust to the bright lights that were now flooding the living room. “Hurts a bit.”

Brady frowned at the last bit and slowly got off of the couch and shrugged his jacket off, tossing it on the coffee table as he sucked in a deep breath and looked down at me. He told me to stand up a minute, and face the other way. Swallowing hard, I followed his orders and as my knees shook under the weight of my body, Brady placed his hands tenderly on my shoulders and lightly but firmly pressed his thumbs into the skin, easing the tension that had built up in my bad shoulder form it’s immobile state.

“Feel better?” He whispered, his fingertips falling from my shoulders and tracing down my back until they swooped around my hips and he locked his arms around my waist, gently pulling me back into him. “I can’t even tell you how sorry I am, Anna. I… I-“

I went to speak when my eyes found their way to the huge window in the living room, the glass part that faced the inside still slid up. Running my eyes over the exposed screen, I sucked in a deep breath and realized that the wonderful rain smell that had filled the air was done. “Yeah.” Was the only word I could manage as my eyes fell onto the huge oak tree sitting in the yard across from the window. As my eyes traced up the bark, still damp from the rain, I let the tired orbs in my head float over to the front door and then to all of the windows that were vacant of any light.

“That’s a pretty oak tree, isn’t it?” I hummed, fighting back the urge to spin around and punch the man in the face with every ounce of strength that I had in my right arm. His arms hanging from my hips made my skin crawl, and his hot breath hitting the back of my neck made me want to throw up whatever was still in my stomach from my previous meals.

Brady chuckled, a light chuckle that reminded me of the first time I heard him laugh, the first time he ad witnessed me run out of my house and stand in the middle of my front yard as the rain poured down around me. He called me crazy, he called me odd, and every other name in the book, but in the end, he said he loved me. He said that he loved the fact I was so different, so interesting and free-spirited. He said I was one in a million, and that he was lucky to have found me.

My heart ached as I thought back to that time, the time where I was positive that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. We had been together for so long, we had gone through so much together, we had progressed so much that the thought of throwing it all away sent a knife through my heart. Times when Brady acted like this, when his touches were gentle and caring, were the times I had cherished and looked forward too. This was the Brady I loved. This was the man I wanted to marry.

I had to marry the other one too; the one that insulted me, the one that hurt me, and that was the thought that killed all of my enchanting memories.

Every time he had ever yelled at me, touched me, dug his fingers into my skin, or insulted my job, parents, friends, or passions in life, flooded into my head like a tsunami and washed away every good memory of Brady I had. In the end, the bad weighed more than the good, the physical and emotional pain was too much to be covered by the soft touches and gentle kisses.

No matter what he was like now, he would turn on me eventually, and I couldn’t live like that. I was stronger than that. I wasn’t a victim, that’s not who my mother raised me to be. I refused to allow myself to be the subject of those actions again.

“I don’t think we should be together anymore.” The words fell from my lips with ease, and as they sunk into the air, I was utterly amazed at how simple it was. They were words, strange noises that were put together to create bigger, stranger sounds that held so much meaning, but in reality were so simple.

The man standing behind me stiffened. His fingers didn’t dig into my skin like I had planned them too. He didn’t grab my arms or push me to the ground. Instead, he stood behind me, his breath becoming uneven as his hands fell apart and his arms swung back to his sides. As his ragged breath hit the back of my neck, the nerves in my back exploded and I carefully took a step away from him and turned on my heels so I was facing him.

My eyes scanned over him, watching his every movement as his eyes studied the floor, running back and forth over the hardwood panels beneath his feet. For a moment, a fraction of a second, I wanted to take my words back, but as soon as he picked his head up, and the dark circles in his eyes met mine, I mentally kicked myself for even thinking it.

The man was a monster.

“Who is he?” Was the only thing he could ask as he took a step toward me. Every step he took, I took one back, and with every step I took my heart would beat faster and harder against my rib cage. After the fifth time he had yelled the question at me, the veins in his neck showing from his loud voice, I felt my step lead me right against the wall next to the couch and the huge window I always found myself looking out of.

Swallowing hard, I carefully took a deep breath and watched as Brady stopped about two feet in front of me, still giving me a slim chance of running away from him. As his cold eyes barreled into mine, I swallowed hard and shook my head. “There’s no one else.” I breathed, my nostrils flaring as pure hate and rage started to pump through my body as the memory of James’ words floated through my head. The words I had never been able to say for myself since I found the pink lace bra in my bedroom.

“You’re lying!” His fist slammed into the drywall next to me, creating a small hole in the beige paint. Shutting my eyes for a moment, I reopened them and shook my head, my jaw clenching as I inhaled deeply through my nose and shook my head.

“I know you’ve been cheating on me.” Again, the words slipped from my lips with ease. I wasn’t sure where my courage was coming from, or how my mind, in such a horrible and stressful position, was able to formulate my sentences so quickly and deliver them in such a strong voice, but I didn’t care. I needed to do this, I needed to break this off, no matter what I had to say or do. No matter what Brady managed to do.

As my eyes found their way to his, I watched as his eyes flickered through what looked like millions of emotions. Confusion and shock washed over his facial features as he stared at me, his well-kept eyebrows meeting in the middle of his forehead for a moment, before they went back down to their inclined stance above his eyes. “I would never.”

“Then whose pink bra was that, huh?” My lungs worked hard in conjunction with my heart to keep me from collapsing. “It wasn’t mine, so whose was it?” As soon as my eyes landed on his, he snarled and let out a low growl before balling his fists tightly at his sides, his knuckles turning white as he pressed his arms against his body.

The memory of the last time he had done this flashed through my brain, and in a moment of quick thinking, I shifted my weight to my left foot, sliding it across the hardwood floor just as he swung his fist and connected it again with the beige drywall. “You fucking bitch.” He snapped, his arms flailing out in front of him in an attempt to grab me. “You know why I fucked her? Do you know why I’ve been fucking her for the past year, Anna?” My heart grew weary as his words soaked into my brain. My strong facial features and attitude faltered for a second, but quickly resumed as I looked back at him, back into his ugly dark eyes. “I fucked her because I wanted to. I fucked her because you weren’t around, and she was. I fucked her because I knew you were too pathetic to leave me if you found out. What would you be without me, Anna? Where would you be without me?”

In a moment of sheer adrenaline and seething hatred for the man standing across from me, I pulled my right arm back and with every ounce of strength I had in my body, every single ounce of energy and muscle that remained in my body from the twelve straight years of hockey I played, I launched my fist right into his face, letting my bony knuckles collide with his cheek bone and the top row of his jaw.

As his body stumbled back, and blood slowly started to drip down from his lip I had busted, he looked at me, eyes furious and lunged at me, his fingernails scraping against my skin as I moved from in front of him, and stumbled over my own feet, sending my left shoulder colliding with the hardwood floors.

Yelping in pain, I watched as Brady kicked his foot back, and then drilled it right into my stomach, sending a light crack through my body as my chest tightened and a horrible pain started to rush up from my rib cage. “You fucking bitch, I’m going to-“

I could have screamed on the top of my lungs for help as a heavy knock sounded on the door, but instead, I bit down on my lip, afraid to get the man that could be standing on the other side into this. I didn’t want James to get punched; I didn’t want him to get involved with Brady and I.

Brady gave me a dirty stare before walking over to the front door. Sucking on his top lip, he took a deep breath and opened the front door. As the silence filled the room, I managed to pull my body up and just as I straightened my back, I winced in pain and let my knees collapse back onto the hardwood.

Once the pain in my ribcage had overpowered me, there were a few muffled voices and then a loud thud. Cringing in pain, I glanced up and felt my heart beat faster as my eyes traced over the man bleeding from his nose, eyes shut, lying limp against the couch. As I watched the blood start to rush form his nose, I jerked my eyes over to the man who was rushing towards me.

“Anna, Anna, are you alright?” My eyes flickered from the man on the couch to James, his knuckles tinted red as he placed his large hand on my shoulder. “Should I-“

“I broke a few ribs.” I looked up into his bright blue eyes and frowned. “I’m sorry I got you involved.”

“Don’t you dare say that”, he said lightly and quickly pulled me to my feet and sat me down on the coffee table. As I watched him pull out his cell phone, my heart started to pound in my chest at the thought of the cops showing up and his name being involved in my personal court-filled affairs. A minute or so passed before he sighed into the phone and then looked over at me, his bright blue eyes floating just above dark bags that formed on his skin from lack of sleep. “Dan? Yeah, it’s me. Listen, I can’t make it to practice today.” He sucked on his bottom lip and then looked over to the man on the couch and rubbed his face, “It’s a personal emergency. Yeah, I just have to run my friend to the hospital. Yeah she… Yeah, yeah. Thanks Dan.” He ended in a whisper and then shoved his phone back into his pocket and walked over to me, putting his hand around my lower waist as he helped me to my feet and started walking me to the door.

Once we reached the door, I looked over at Brady and took my bottom lip between my teeth. As his eyes fluttered open, he looked over at me in a daze. “I want your shit out of here by tomorrow night.” He slurred and then squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his body into a seated position on the couch as he rested his face in his hands and groaned.

Not shortly after, James quickly helped grabbed my things and ushered me out of the door, down the walkway, and then across the street and right to his car. “I’ll come with you to get your things”

“You don’t have to.” I huffed and looked down at my hands as I slid into the car. A bright diamond ring shimmered on my finger, and as my eyes traced over it, my stomach grew sick.

“Let me rephrase, I’m coming with you to get your things.” James said in a stern tone and helped me into his car before running around the front and sliding into the drivers’ seat. “I’m also calling Skylar when we get to the hospital, and-“

“James, why do you care so much.” I blurted out, my brain pounding against my skull. “I mean, I’m your neighbor. We’ve been friends for like a week. I don’t… I don’t get it.”

There was a tense silence as James backed out of his driveway and headed toward the hospital Skylar took me too what felt like yesterday. Instead of answering my question, James grabbed my hand with his right hand and rubbed his thumb in small circles against the tattooed skin that stuck out from under my sleeve. As my eyes watched the road, I leaned back into the seat, and shut my eyes, letting his touch send warmth through my body and relax it al at the same time.

By the time we reached the hospital, James still hadn’t answered my question, and as we sat in the car for a moment, his slick black luxury car neatly tucked away amongst millions of other cars, he turned to me and pulled his hand back, lacing his fingers together. As our eyes met, I tilted my head to the side and went to ask him what was wrong, when he sucked in a deep breath and started talking.

“There’s something addicting about you, that after the first time I spoke to you, I just want to… be around you. I like hearing your stories and your laugh, and I… I just feel like I have to protect you. I need to protect you, and make sure that he doesn’t hurt you. I don’t know why, I don’t know why in such a short amount of time you became… like…” He paused and looked up to me, “Someone I hold really near and dear to my hear, but you did.”

Looking right into his beautiful blue eyes, I pushed forward a smile and nodded a little. “Thank you”, I breathed and watched as he nodded and leaned over to me, his lips just brushing against mine as he placed a soft kiss on my cheek and then pulled away flashing me a small smile.

“Ready?” He asked.

I nodded as the feeling of my flesh burning from his lips brushing against mine set my stomach into tight knots. It was wrong, so very wrong, but I wanted him to kiss me again. I wanted those plump lips on mine, I wanted the pain to go away, I wanted to only think about him and not about the man I had just wasted seven years of my life with.

“Yeah”, I breathed, pushing the tears away from the corners of my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help it.

It was all just too much.