Torn

BREATHING BECAME HARDER FOR ME the day after James, Skylar, and I went into Brady’s house while he was at work and gathered all of my things. It only took two hours to pack up all of my clothes and grab all of my personal possessions. I was never one for keeping a lot of material things, it was mostly art supplies, sketchbooks, and whatever electric gadgets I had.

My things fit in two suitcases, two decent size cardboard boxes, and a book bag. Once everything was set by the front door, I placed my key and engagement ring on the mantle of the window I loved to sit on, grabbed one of the boxes, and walked out of the house without looking back.

Skylar and James had told me how proud they were of me on numerous occasions; they told me that it took a lot of guts to do it and every other cliché phrase that had to do with leaving your fiancé that beat you. It was nice to know they had my back, but at the same time, it still hurt. It hurt to suddenly, after seven years realize I was alone in the world again.

I blinked hard as my chest tightened from the heavy thoughts swimming in my head. It was around three in the morning, Skylar was fast asleep in her bed, and I was sprawled out on the couch, my hair in a messy bun, my eyes wide and tracing along the smooth ceiling above me. There were no cracks in the white rectangle above me to ease the tension in my mind, I wished that something could kill the thoughts in my head, but it was impossible. All I could think about was the empty space on my ring finger and the huge window I could no longer stare out of.

Time passed by quickly. Before I could grasp control of my mind, it was nine o’clock in the morning, and Skylar was wide awake drinking her coffee, leaning against the doorway that lead from the kitchen into the living room. As soon as she looked at me, the huge puffy bags under my eyes, and the overall hollow look on my face, she frowned and walked over, sitting on the edge of the couch.

“You haven’t slept at all?” She stated although with the slight raise of her eyebrows at the end, I took it as a question.

Instead of trying out my voice, I nodded and sucked in a small breath, pushing my aching body into a seated position. I was free to walk around without bandages around my ribs, but every time I had to sit up or breathe heavily it felt like there was an elephant doing jumping jacks on my torso.

“I got a few hours”, I lied as I carefully moved so I was sitting next to the blonde. As she sat up straight, my shoulders slumped forward, leaving my head hanging down so my eyes were connected onto my knees. “Nothing to worry about, I’ll be fine soon, I promise.”

“Anna stop.” Skylar huffed as she placed her right hand on my back and started to move it in a circle, “I get that this is hard despite everything he put you through. My longest relationship was like two years and it hurt like hell when I tossed his ass to the curb, I cannot even imagine seven years.” Her eyes widened as the number slipped passed her lips.

With a simple nod, I leaned my head on her shoulder and for a moment, I felt like I was going to start crying again. The burn rushed through my nose and my throat, but as soon as I was about to part my lips and let the tears slip from my eyes, there was a knock at Skylar’s door, and with the fear of crying in front of one of her boy friends or any other person on the planet, I straightened my back, pushed myself into the couch, and snuggled the blanket close to me as the blonde shot me a confused look before heading over to the door.

Shaking my head, I pulled the blanket over my face and sunk deeper into the couch. Shutting my eyes, I listened closely as Skylar opened the door and then started laughing a little. “Fuck man, you should have called first, that coffee beats this shit by a mile.” There was a shared chuckle, footsteps, and then the door slammed shut. “She’s on the couch, that heap of blankets, she’s in there.” A light chuckle filled the air that made my eyes snap open.

Darting my eyes back and forth, a small smile came on my face as I realized who was here, and just as I was about to push the blanket off, it was pulled down, revealing the brunette with his bright blue eyes smiling down at me. “Am I disrupting something?” He questioned as he pulled the blanket down further and then sat down next to me, holding the Starbucks coffee in front of me. He sucked on the straw sticking from his cup as he watched my hands emerge from the heap of blankets near my waist and grab the white cup with my name on it.

“You’re the best, James.” I huffed and pulled the stopper out of the small opening and watched as the steam started to float into the air. “This is exactly what I needed today, I-“

“She didn’t get any sleep at all.” Skylar added as she walked into the room and sat down on the coffee table in front of us, her own white cup in her hand as she ran her thin fingers through her messy blonde hair with a small smile. “Luckily today is one of her days off, so she can get some sleep while I’m at work, right Anna?” Skylar’s eyes snapped to mine, her motherly side taking over as she tilted her head and drummed her fingers against the cup, waiting for my answer.

“Yes mother”, I joked and watched as she smiled at me and then walked over, kissing my forehead before she headed off into her room, talking about how she was going to be home around seven so I had to wait to eat dinner with her and that I better get at least five hours of sleep during the day.

As I was about to answer, James cleared his throat and informed Skylar that he would make sure I got the correct amount of sleep and also at least ate one good meal before dinner. Minutes later, when Skylar emerged in a button up shirt, jeans, and a pair of vans, she smiled brightly at the two of us and then grabbed her wallet and keys from the coffee table. Walking passed us, the smell of her sweet perfume tickled my nose as I watched her walk over to James, kiss his forehead and then walk up to me and pull my shoulders into a hug, pressing my face into the crook of her nose, her perfume filling my head instantly. “Be good, get some sleep babe, I’ll bring Chinese home for dinner, okay?” She pulled away, her eyes sparkling as she left her hand on my shoulder, waiting for an answer.

Nodding, she smiled at me, walked over to the door, bid James and I goodbye, and then slipped out of the door, a small smile on her lips as she disappeared behind the white wooden door.

For the first half hour, James and I didn’t really speak. We drank our coffee’s, turned the television on, and let the highlights from the previous games in the NHL play with the volume on low. As the highlights from the Bruins game started to play, I watched as James smiled a little as my body instinctively inches closer to the edge of the couch and focused in on the players moving along the ice. When the final score popped up, 4-2, I smiled a little and then sunk back down into the couch right next to James.

“I have the whole day off.” He blurted out as the highlight real on the NHL Network started to play again.

“You felt compelled to start it off with seeing this train wreck?” A small laugh passed my lips ad I motioned to myself, still in my pajamas, my hair messily hanging over my shoulder as I sipped on the little bit of warm coffee still in the cup. “You feeling alright?”

James shook his head smiling as he slung his arm over my shoulders and pulled me tightly against him. “You’ve got me here the whole entire day. The guys offered for me to hang out with them, but I declined.”

“You declined fun to sit on the couch and hang out with me?”

Rolling his eyes, the brunette grabbed the blanket that sat in our laps and pulled it over my head, laughing as I curled up under it and rested my head on his shoulder. For a moment, James didn’t move but then he pulled the blanket up over his head and let it fall to the couch next to him. Bright eyes locked onto mine, he sent me a small smile as he tenderly pressed his lips to my forehead and then rested his head on top of mine.

“Are you going to be okay, Anna?” His voice was barely a whisper as he pulled me closer to his body. “I’m really worried about you. I mean, not as worried as I was when I knew you still lived across the street, but-“

“It’s hard.” My voice cracked as I thought back to the huge house that I used to live in only a few days ago. Now I was technically homeless, sleeping on my best friends couch every night. “I went from my future being lined up perfectly to being in the middle of nowhere, no direction, no arrows or anything. I have no idea what to do now, and it just… It’s an unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling.”

“I know exactly how you feel, Anna.” James whispered as he pressed a kiss into my hair. “When I left Dallas, I feel like I went through hell, but as I went out and met new people, it got better. I know my relationship wasn’t as long or as serious as yours, but I still had that directionless, helpless, empty feeling.”

“She was an idiot to do that.” I whispered, my eyes dropping to my hands I remembered James telling me about his previous relationship in Dallas, the one that destroyed his view on marriage and relationships all together. It was nice to have someone who could relate to the horrible feelings swelling in my stomach. Although his weren’t as severe as your other half for the past seven years cheating on you and hitting you, it was still nice to know that someone thrown into the middle of nowhere could turn into such a good person.

James pulled me into his lap a few minutes later, his arms wrapping tightly around my body in order to keep me comfortably leaning on his chest. Running a hand through my hair, he used the other to push the blanket off of us and let the cool air in the room beat against our faces. “What’s done is done, right?”

I nodded, keeping my lips tightly shut.

As James held me close to him, the slight scent of his cologne mixed together with the fresh smell of his shampoo, and I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. Inhaling deeply, I smiled a little as James chuckled and then rested his head on me, letting a yawn escape his lips. “How many hours of sleep did your mom want you to get?” We shared a small chuckle as I replied with five. With a slight nod and another yawn, James shifted a little and then rested his head back against me.

Before I could push any words from my lips, my eyelids fluttered closed and I fell asleep with James’ warm arms wound around me and his smell filling the empty space in my head. It felt amazing to be able to fall asleep with such ease. There was always a feeling of fear and anxiety when I knew Brady would be coming home form one of his long shifts sometime during the night. I loved the man with all of my heart, but I always had my doubts, I always had a small bit of fear sitting in the back of my mind that one day he would snap.

That one-day of course came.

If I didn’t have James and Skylar, who knows where I would be.



A light vibration ran up my leg, causing my eyes to slowly flutter open, the sleep that had washed over me disappearing. A groan escaped my lips as the bright sunrays poured in from the windows and burned my eyes. It was always the one thing I hated about waking up in the mornings, it felt like the sun purposefully decided to sting my eyes and make them feel like two eggs frying in a pan.

Moving my arms, I realized that the girl I was once holding tightly against my chest now was lying across my lap, her head resting on the middle of my stomach while her legs hung off the arm of the couch. As soon as my eyes traced over her peaceful face, I felt a smile creep onto my lips, and my hand involuntarily moved to her hair, letting my fingers run through the brown tangles.

The vibrating in my pocket started up again, and with a groan I shifted slightly, making sure I didn’t wake the girl, and swiftly grabbed my cell phone from my back pocket and held it up to my ear after blindly hitting the green button.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I ended with a small yawn and stretched my free arm over my head.

“Hey Nealer, just wanted to see if you wanted to come get lunch with some of the guys. It’s a-“

“I’m at a friends house at the moment.” I blurted out, wishing I could take the words back as soon as I spoke them. The only people that knew about my situation with Anna were Malkin, Kunitz, and Dan. Luckily, they had all kept it hush-hush and hadn’t spread it all over the locker room that I was completely infatuated with a girl that was almost married. Everyone else was in the dark with that and I liked it that way. The minute that they knew she was single and we were becoming good friends, they would want to meet her. And the moment they met her, I was almost positive one of the guys would try to swoop in and woo her.

I wasn’t up for battling anyone for her, and I really wasn’t bothering her to meet them just yet.

The man on the other end stayed silent for a minute, and then gasped a little and chuckled. “Getting’ laid on your off day, Nealer?”

“Oh shut the fuck up, Crosby.” I roared and quickly cursed at myself as I watched the girl that was peacefully sleeping stir. “What, what did you call for, what-“

“Hey James”, Anna hummed; her eyes barely open as she sat up and pulled her legs into a pretzel formation. Rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, she moved her messy brown hair over to one of her shoulders and then shot me a sleepy smile.

“That’s a girl’s voice!” Crosby roared from the other end of the phone. “What the fuck are you not telling-“

“Sid, I got to go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” I huffed and pulled the phone from my ear and hit the end button just as the man’s loud voice roared through the phone again. Cringing, I looked over at Anna and watched as her huge smile faded a little. “How’d you sleep?”

Anna shrugged a little, her fingertips running against the back of her arm as she let out a small yawn and then leaned over to me, pressing her lips against my cheek softly. Once she pulled herself back to her spot on the couch, she shut her eyes and took a slow inhale before cracking them open and looking over at me.

Whispering she was hungry, I nodded, trying my hardest not to tackle her back into the couch and press my lips against hers. The way her face still head the peace it had during her slumber, the way her messy brown waves cascaded over her shoulder, and the plump pink lips that were shaped into a small smile made my body grow warm and numb at the same time. My brain was cloudy, and as she stared at me with her beautiful eyes, everything I wanted to say left me.

The brunette tilted her head to the side as I continued to stare at her. The brown orbs sparkled as she smiled a little more and then unfolded her legs and carefully moved herself off of the couch, wincing when she stretched her stomach too much or made an uncomfortable movement. Just as I was about to help her, she held up her hand and then took a few steps away form the couch, sucking in a small breath before turning to me and nodding a little.

“I’m alright, James.” She whispered to me, her feet shuffling against the floor as she made her way through the doorway that lead to the kitchen. “I know this really good Greek place that delivers. They have these kick ass salads and-“

“Sure, whatever you wanna get is alright.” I sent her a huge smile, watching her eyes trace over me for a moment before she nodded and then walked back over to me, sitting down right next to me and opening the light blue menu in her hands.

Anna spoke softly as her thin fingers ran over the menu, pointing to random things and gushing about how good they are. There were a few things that stuck out to me, gyro’s and different kinds of salads, but none of them stood in my head long enough, because the second I looked at her, or she spoke about another dish, my mind immediately erased and all I could do was focus on her.

Minutes ticked by quickly, which eventually turned into fifteen minutes, which ultimately turned to a half hour of us laughing and going over things on the menu. Over the time, Anna had brushed all of the sleep from her face and was back to her very lively, million-dollar smile, self.

Luckily Anna wasn’t annoyed with the hundreds of questions I asked her about things on the menu that she had explained to me before when my mind was off daydreaming about her. When I had finally decided on some kind of gyro and some hummus and vegetable appetizer type thing, Anna went off and grabbed her cell phone, and then waltzed back into the living room, her hair up in a messy bun as she swayed her body back and forth, a smile on her lips that could make the man with the strongest heart weak.

I just watched her, my lips twisted into a small smile as she danced around the room graciously, her hips swaying back and forth, the tee shirt sitting on her shoulders riding up to show the skin on her stomach every now and again, revealing a large design that took up the one side of her body. As she shot me another smile and started talking into the phone, my mind wandered, imagining her standing there, all of her tattoo’s out for show.

Every inch of my skin felt like it was on fire as she walked over to me, ending the phone call, and sat down on the coffee table right across from me. As her knees filled the space between my legs, I looked up at her, trying to hide the fact that my cheeks were a bright red, and shot her a weak smile.

It was times like these when I was so uncomfortable around her, so blatantly embarrassed by my own thoughts, that I wondered if she noticed the fact that I was completely infatuated with her. A part of me wanted her to know, I wanted to just gently place my hands on her face and tell her how quickly I fell in love with her, and how absurd and stupid my mind was around her, but as I thought about her, thought about what she had been through and her current predicament, I couldn’t imagine placing more stress on her like that.

“So, when’s your next game, rosey cheeks?” She giggled as her soft hands rose up and covered the burning spots on my face, which only burned even more from her touch.

“Tomorrow night”, I said looking up into her eyes and immediately getting caught up in them. “Wanna go? I can get you and Sky tickets again, and this time we can officially set up a place to meet up so we can go out and grab some food after.” I rambled and watched as the small smile on her lips turned into a full tooth bearing grin.

Shaking her head a little, she went to speak when her lips fell shut again and she looked up at me, her huge eyes examining me for a few seconds before she looked down at our knees that were barely touching and smiled softly.

“Are there going to be other players there?”

“Only if you want them there.” I answered as soon as she stopped speaking. “If you want it to be just me, you, and Sky; consider it done.”

Anna hesitated for a moment, but as soon as I sent her a caring smile and softly rested my hand on her knee, she placed her smaller hand on top of mine and smiled up at me, her big eyes locking on mine from under her eyelashes. “Consider it a date, then.” Nodding slightly, she leaned in, pressing her lips against my cheek and then pulled away a little, her face nearly inches from mine.

Breath catching in my chest, I contemplated kissing her. I wanted to, I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I didn’t. Instead, I placed my hand on her head, kissed her forehead, and then pulled her into a giant hug, letting her squeal as I easily picked her up and gently tossed her back on the couch, closely studying her to make sure I didn’t hurt her ribs.

Sitting down next to her sprawled out body on the couch, she laughed a little and placed her fingertips gently on my forearm. “Why couldn’t I have met you seven years ago, James Neal?”

Her large eyes locked onto mine, and within seconds, my throat was dry as well as my mouth. Unable to speak, I shrugged a little and watched as her smile started to slip from her lips.

“Everything would have been so much different.” Anna’s eyes left mine and locked onto the ceiling. “Heh, maybe if we met each other back then we wouldn’t have such fucked up thoughts about marriage, huh?”

My heart exploded in my chest as her words sunk into my brain. Hand resting on hers, I shrugged a little and tried my best to speak and not let her know how fast my heart was beating. “Hey, maybe we would have been married.”

“Hah”, she dropped her eyes to the ground and nodded a little, “In my dreams, James. Only in my dreams.”