My 30 Day Challenge

Day 3 cont’d: What is your motivation to recover?

So here I was, stuck sitting in a room with a whole bunch of people just as messed up as me. I was pissed off, to say the least. Yeah, my session with Dr Jardine had gone well, and I was maybe going to actually consider what she’d said, but that didn’t make me want to hear their crap.

At the moment, we were all being given a run of freedom to converse with each other about stuff other than whatever ‘mental illness’ we had. It was just a giant room with a couple of huge couches, a TV glued into the wall, a remote in a case nailed to a coffee table, a bookcase with a whole lot of shit I didn’t know, and best of all, a cage in the corner with puppies in it.

I didn’t know how they got clearance for that. I didn’t care. All I knew was that I had the most adorable little pug in my lap and I didn’t give a shit about anything else at that point. I decided almost instantly that I would call him Lorenzo, and that I would probably not let go of him even after we had to leave.

Someone was playing a James Bond movie, and I was sat against the wall giving it half my attention, and focusing the other half on Lorenzo, when a girl came and sat next to me.

‘Hey,’ she said boredly. ‘Haven’t seen you here before.’

I didn’t respond. It was kind of obvious that I hadn’t been there before. She said it as though she’d been here a lot, and I kind of felt sorry for her. She hadn’t spoken in the group circle before that I remembered. Her attitude kind of reminded me of my own. She seemed, okay; her hair was dyed white and pink, and she had a couple of bruises on her arm. Her eyes were dark brown, almost black. When I didn’t say anything, she looked me up and down.

‘Not a talker, huh?’ I shook my head in response.

‘That’s okay, you will be in about a month. Everyone starts talking at some point. You have to, if you don’t want to go insane. Well, more insane than you already are,’ she paused. ‘But we’re not supposed to refer to ourselves as insane. We’re just as normal as everyone else.’ She sounded so bitter.

I was getting a little uncomfortable; she was so open about it all.

‘I’m Niamh, by the way. I live here, in the hospital,’ she added.

‘You live here?’ I was startled enough to conclude my silence.

‘Yeah, have done since I was, like, 9 or something stupid like that. I’m 16 now,’ she said indifferently.

‘I would have gone crazy being stuck here for 7 years,’ I murmured softly. ‘How do you manage?’

‘Honestly, I’ve given up caring. Once I’m 18, I can get out of this hell-hole.’

‘What if they just stick you in an adult’s ward?’

‘I’ll be an adult – they can’t force me to. The only reason I’d end up there is if I chose to go, which is never gonna happen. Enough about me. Why are you stuck here?’ she focused on me. I was feeling slightly more open to the idea of sharing after my session this morning.

‘I, uh, um… suicide attempt. Depression. You know,’ I said awkwardly.

‘Same. Life’s pretty shit, isn’t it? What about your parents?’

‘I’d rather not talk about that,’ I whispered so softly I don’t think she heard. Lorenzo had gone by that point; I think he was scared.

‘Did they just dump you here? Or are they making you come ‘for your own good’? If they are, that’s bullshit,’ she rambled on.

‘Shut up,’ I said a little louder.

‘What, daddy issues or some shit?’

‘SHUT UP!’

Almost immediately, two staff members came over to me, grabbed my arm, and basically dragged me out of the room. I didn’t fight it; I couldn’t be bothered, honestly. I ended up being locked in a padded room with absolutely nothing in it.

I sat in a corner and hugged my knees. Then a voice came over the loudspeaker.

‘Kellin, you’re now in the harmony room.’ What a dumb name.

‘We understand that you’re angry, but you need to just try to calm down, and think about what just happened. You’ll be in here until we think you’re in a state to come out. If you need anything at all, just say it – we can hear you. Do you understand?’

Oh, I understood. But I was pissed now. I wasn’t a child; I didn’t want to be spoken to like I was one. So I said nothing.

‘Kellin? Can you hear me?’

I stared at my knees, refusing to acknowledge whoever was speaking. About a minute later, a man in scrubs came in and stood me up.

‘Kellin, can you hear me? Kellin?’ he snapped his fingers in my face, clapped his hands, shook his hand in my face. I concentrated on keeping my face blank and uninterested. He left. I sat back down.

After what felt like about half an hour later, the loudspeaker sounded again.

‘Kellin, there’s someone here to see you.’

The door opened; I didn’t bother looking to see who it was. I didn’t really want anything. I knew that I would have to acknowledge them to get out of there. But I figured if I don’t say anything at all, they’d have to let me go at the end of my four hours. But when a familiar voice sounded, I couldn’t help my gaze jumping to theirs.

‘Kellin, what are you doing? You and I both know that you can hear everything perfectly well. So what’s wrong?’ Vic asked me.

We stared at each other for a while; the silence was deafening. I was waging an inner battle. On one hand, I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of having made me talk. On the other hand, I really wanted to get out of there. Eventually, the latter won out.

‘I don’t want to be talked to like a kid,’ came my barely audible whisper.

‘You don’t have to be. Just answer the questions,’ he explained patiently. ‘That’s all you have to do.’

He didn’t get it. No one got it. I should stop expecting them to. I was so fucking over everything; I needed to get home and back to that razor. I was too stressed; I forgot everything that Dr Jardine had said, and I didn’t want to remember. I wanted to do this. I wanted to feel my blood leave my body. I didn’t know how far I wanted to go. But I knew it was pretty far.

To get that, I had to answer them. ‘Fine.’

‘Okay, that’s great,’ he said, overly careful and happy.

‘Kellin, how do you feel? Are you angry?’ Yes.

‘No.’

‘Do you want to hurt Niamh or anyone else at all?’ Vic looked at me. Only myself.

‘No.’

‘Why did you shout at Niamh?’ Because she was being a bitch.

‘Because she asked me some questions I didn’t want to answer.’

‘What were those questions about?’ Shit. Now what?

‘My… my p-parents.’ If they asked any more questions I swear to God I would snap and hurt someone. Probably Vic, as he was the only person in reach.

‘Do you think you’re ready to come out?’

‘Yes.’

‘Alright, Mr Fuentes, you two can leave now. If you think he’s in a stable condition, that is.’

It was like I wasn’t there. Nobody gave a shit about how I felt. Vic held out his hand, and I took it, giving what I hoped looked like a sorry smile, and not a grimace. He smiled in response, so it must have worked. The door opened, and I was led outside into the parking lot, where Vic’s car was parked. He got in, and I got in, and our journey began.

For about 10 minutes, we were silent. I stared out the window and tried not to show any signs of wanting to communicate. Apparently, Vic couldn’t take it.

‘Kellin, I am so, so sorry, this is all my fault, I can’t believe I treated you like that, I’m so sorry, I should have tried harder…’

‘Vic, it’s okay, it wasn’t your fault,’ I cut in. ‘It was that girl.’

‘Yeah, but I was a dick to you last night, and you might not—‘

‘No. last night was a bad point for me. I… I sort of relived what used to happen, you know? I don’t like physical contact. At all. I got very self-conscious, and I sort of lost the plot when you… just, it wasn’t your fault, okay?’ I finished. That may have been the most I’d ever said at once since I’d arrived here.

‘I… if you’re sure,’ he seemed uncomfortable still. ‘Did you see the note on your door this morning?’

Shit. I was hoping we wouldn’t have to go through this. ‘Uh, yeah.’

‘Did you think about it at all? It’s okay if you didn’t,’ he added. ‘I guess you probably don’t want to have to think about it with therapy and all.’

‘Yeah, I don’t really get the opportunity to do much besides therapy there,’ I said bitterly. I really hated that place.

‘Well, if you don’t remember, the question was what your motivation to recover was.’ I remembered. ‘What… what is yours?

I thought about that for a while. My first thought was that I didn’t have any, but I realised that wasn’t true. I thought about what was good in my life. At the moment, I guessed that was the few – I supposed friends – I’d made in San Diego. Jack, Vic. Jack’s friends were alright too. Mike I supposed would come under that category. Dr Jardine was cool. I remembered what she’d told me this morning.

‘If there is anyone at all in your life who is on your side, don’t push them away. Grasp on to them, and hold on as tight as you can.’

Who was on my side? All of those people, plus Mr and Mrs Fuentes. Was any one person better to me than the others? Slowly, it dawned on me that Vic was that person. He had got me started on this shit, and seemed to want me to go through with it. He was the one that found me that day on the cliff. It seemed like so long ago, even though it was three days. He had found me the few times I’d cut myself and tried to fix me. For some reason, I didn’t want to go home and cut myself anymore. For today. He seemed to be the only motivation I had.

But how the hell was I supposed to tell him that?

‘I guess… the fact that someday I can just get away from everything,’ I made up on the spot. ‘That I can just leave all this behind and go off and do my own thing, you know?’

He turned to look at me and smiled, his entire face lighting up. ‘Yeah, I get it.’

I couldn’t admit that the only reason I was trying to get better was him! It would just sound stupid. Who would even be stupid enough to believe that? He’d just go ‘What is it really?’ And he’d laugh at me and I’d see his cute smile and –

Did I just call his smile cute?

Later that evening, Vivian knocked on my door and came in.

‘Kellin, there’s someone on the phone for you.’

‘Hello?’ I answered dully.

‘Kellin, man, where were you today?’

‘Oh, I, um, had to go to, a, uh, dentist appointment,’ I lied. ‘Just a check-up.’

‘That’s cool. Anyway, I wanted to know if you’re actually going to Danny’s party on the weekend, ‘cause my mom really liked you yesterday and said you ‘seem like a good influence’ or some shit. Basically, I can go if you’re going.’

‘Well, I guess that’s good news for you, because I am going. Why, I don’t know. But I am.’ I was a lot easier and more comfortable around Jack. I guessed it was because I didn’t have to worry about what he’d think of me. Which made absolutely no sense.

‘You are the bomb! Dot com! And I don’t use that for many people, man!’

‘Really? ‘The bomb dot com’? That’s actually so lame, Jack.’

‘You know you love it. Anyway, what’s your phone number? Not this one, cause I don’t want to have to go through Mrs Fuentes every time I want to talk to you. I’ll text you the details and we can pick you up, yeah?’

‘Uh, sure. I’m not really sure though, cause Mike’s going as well and I kind of have to take care of him. He’s actually only allowed to go if Vic and I go.’

‘That’s rough, dude. But my dad has a giant van; we can give you all a lift, if you want.’

‘That’s awesome, dude!’ I was trying to sound excited for his sake. In all honesty, I was dreading it. I had been planning on leaving early and faking a stomach ache, but it didn’t look like that would be possible now.

After a few more moments of idle chatter, I was called to dinner, and had to leave. I told the Fuentes’ about Jack’s plan over dinner, and they seemed to be okay with it. I then spent the rest of the evening in my room, thinking about the day’s events. No one had commented on my leaving the mental hospital early besides Vivian, who explained that she had had to send Vic because she was at work.

I was sitting on my bed at about 1:30 that morning, after trying and failing to sleep, when I saw someone standing outside the house on the opposite side of the road, waiting. I watched for a while, wondering what they were doing. After a few moments, a figure exited the Fuentes’ house – a very tall and skinny one – and walked over to the figure. They stood there for a few moments, before walking away from the house.

What the hell was Mike doing?