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My 30 Day Challenge

Chapter 20

Day 7: List 10 activities that help you calm down. cont’d

1. Reading

2. Walking

3. Talking to Vic

4. Listening to a clock

5. Music

6. Puppies

7. Watching the sky

8. The sound of rain

9.

10.

The warm water of the shower was washing away the tiny red spots on my legs. It felt good – really good – to do this again. God, I’d missed this so fucking much. I wanted to do more. I felt so proud, but at the same time like a failure, and that just made it worse. I wanted to do more, but I looked down, counted the 20 lines on my legs – 10 on each – and stopped myself. 20 was enough.

I realised I’d been in the shower for a long time, so I quickly scrubbed myself and got out. I’d gone a bit too deep, though, and the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. With fumbling wet fingers, I searched each drawer in the bathroom, but found myself unlucky, in that there were zero band-aids or anything I could use to stop the bleeding. There was a bit of sports tape, some makeup removing wipes, and tissues, but nothing I could use. Eventually I settled for putting two tissues, folded in half, over them then sticking it down with sports tape.

When I got out the bathroom I went downstairs and started making myself a cup of tea. As I sat waiting for the water to heat up, there was some thudding down the stairs, and Mike appeared in the kitchen, yawning and looking tired but happy.

“Hey,” he greeted me. “Where’s Vic?”

“Don’t know, I just got out the shower.” My tea was ready and I’d poured too much water into the cup, and it was taking all of my attention not to spill it as I brought it to the table. “Hey, um, I was thinking, did you want to do something today?”

“Yeah, sounds awesome. I just got a new videogame, want me to destroy you at it?” he asked.

“Sweet,” I said, smiling falsely. It sounded like fun, but I couldn’t help feeling guilty still about what I’d just done.

He started pulling out boxes of cereal, looking at each one and shaking his head at each one, unimpressed.

“Screw this, I’m ordering pizza,” he gave up, grabbing the phone. “You want?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Pizza? For breakfast?”

“Breakfast is the best time to have pizza,” he responded, dialling. “Do you want or not?”

“Sure,” I gave in. “Vegetarian.”

He gave a look of disgust, then started ordering. I went back upstairs to get my phone, which had two messages from Jack, yesterday asking what I was up to and today asking if I was okay. I responded saying I was spending the day with Mike, but could talk. He called.

“Hey, man, what’s up? You were really quiet on Friday night and you text me back.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just don’t really check my phone that often.”

“Well start, dude, I don’t really call people unless I need to.”

“You called me just now.”

He was silent for a little, but then responded with “Shut up.” I laughed a little. “Anyway, you were kind of out of it at the party on Friday, what was up with that? Plus you disappeared for half of it.”

“I don’t really like alcohol, or smoking, and I felt a little sick, so I went outside,” I said, panicking slightly.

“Well you should have said so! I would have come and hung out with you.”

“Nah, I was fine. You and that girl seemed to be having a good time together.”

My subject change worked. “Hell fuckin’ yeah, we were. She’s from LA and she knows someone who knows someone and that’s how she got in, and she’s amazing, and I almost got to home base, if you know what I mean,” he rambled. I frowned slightly, because I didn’t really approve of having sex with someone who you’d just met, but he seemed to really like her and I didn’t think he’d use her for sex. I let it go.

“That’s cool, man. Did you get her number?” I asked as Vic walked in, a questioning look on his face as he heard my query.

“Yeah, I did! I don’t know when I should call her, though…”

“Call her when you want to call her.” It seemed obvious to me.

“But what if she isn’t as interested as me?”

“Um… her loss, I guess. Just call her and see what happens, okay?” I was getting a little annoyed. I didn’t know why.

“Okay, fine. I’ll call her now. Later,” he said, hanging up on me.

I sighed and flopped down on my bed, exhausted after that conversation. Vic came and sat next to me, on the edge of the bed, being very careful.

“Who was it?”

“Jack.”

“Oh.”

We sat there in silence for a few minutes, not saying anything. He took my hand in his after a while. I was tense at first, but I started to relax slightly after he did that. I still couldn’t stop worrying that he’d find out I’d cut myself again. After a while, Mike called up to us that the pizza was here, and I sighed, heading downstairs. Vic followed.

“Here’s your disgusting vegetarian pizza, weirdo,” Mike teased, handing me a gigantic box.

“Mike, there’s nothing wrong with being vegetarian. Leave him alone,” Vic said. That pissed me off, although I didn’t say so. I knew Mike was joking, and I didn’t need to be coddled. I headed for the lounge and put in a random movie, which happened to be Monsters Inc. Mike followed a few moments later, and Vic soon after. I sat alone in an armchair.

“Dude, it’s not Harry Potter, but good choice.”

I nodded, trying to focus on the movie. It was good; one of my childhood favourites. I did always get scared when Boo was supposed to be in the trash compacter, but I still loved it. I made sure to look away when that bit came on.

I wasn’t hungry, probably because I was too worried and conflicted about what I’d done earlier, so I ate maybe two slices before giving up and putting it on the floor next to the couch without either Mike or Vic noticing – or so I thought. The movie finished and Mike went to ‘take a wazz,’ as he put it, but Vic came and sat on the edge of the couch and told me to move over. I did and he slid into the space between me and the chair arm.

“Why didn’t you eat?” he murmured in my ear, gently kissing my neck, which sent shivers down my spine.

“Not hungry,” I simply said, heart racing.

“How come? You haven’t eaten in, like, fourteen hours. You need food,” he said, picking up the box. “Granted, I’m not a fan of vegetarian, so I can understand why you might not want to. But food is necessary.”

“I just don’t want any, okay?”

“Why not? It’s important.”

“Because I’m not hungry! You’re supposed to eat when you’re hungry.”

“But you need energy –”

I got up and left, heading upstairs. I was done. I needed to get away from him. As I got up there, Mike walked out of the bathroom, whistling ‘Survivor’ by Destiny’s Child.

“Hey, man, sorry I took so long,” he said as he saw me.

“It’s fine,” I said running into the tiny room and slamming the door behind me, locking it. My hands were shaking as I rummaged through the drawers for the second time that day, looking for the little blade I knew would be there, as I’d hid it well. A tiny prick to my middle finger, and I had it. Ignoring the sound of knocking on the bathroom door, I flushed the toilet, and made another deep line on my stomach, the sound of the toilet drowning out my small cry of pain. I stuck the blade back in the waistband of my boxers and washed my hands. I could feel blood trickling out onto me, so I stuck my shirt onto it, hoping it would hold, then left the room.

“Kellin, what’s wrong?” Vic asked.

“Nothing. Everything’s just peachy,” I said, heading into my room. I still couldn’t be around him for a while.

“Then why - ”

“Just shut up, Vic! I need some space. Okay?” I ran into my room and slammed the door. Lifting my shirt to see the damage, I gawked at the amount of blood that had come to the surface. I hurriedly stuck my shirt back down and found a tight jumper that held my shirt close to my body, without giving anything away. I was starting to feel more pain. Vic appeared in my doorway.

He started to ask me something, but I cut him off yet again. “I’m going out,” I stated, grabbing my wallet and running downstairs.

“You need to stay here!” he called out.

“Fuck that,” was my only response. I was gone, out the door and walking towards the city.

And I didn’t think I’d be coming back for a long time.
♠ ♠ ♠
Yes it has been a long while and I am awful and a liar and sorry there are no excuses

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