This Pain

Things were never simple with Karen. I would do something for her, but it was never what she wanted. She just couldn’t tell me what she wanted; no matter how many times I asked her. There was always something that she would hide. One day we would break up, but the next we would be back together.

I pushed the last off her shirts into a box, hoping this would be the last time. She would be here in a little bit, and I wasn’t sure if I could face her. I didn’t know what I needed to tell her. I didn’t want her to leave, but this off and on relationship needed to end. It was taking its toll on me. I couldn’t continue to wonder where she was at and who she was with.

If we went out to public places, she would ditch me and flirt with other guys. She would be in her own zone, making everyone want her. I could never get her to stick by my side, and she never cared to stay near me. She would shake her hips with different man’s hands, touching her.

When I tried to talk to her, she always kept herself at a distance from me. She would always hide something from me. There was no getting through to her. She would just look away from me in her own thoughts. Only simple and short answers were directed at me if she even heard me. Most of the time, she would ignore me completely.

There were things that I wanted to tell her, but if I saw her, I would just let her run me over like she normally did. There was never a compromise with her. It was what she wanted, and if I didn’t want to do it, I was kicked to the curb. I followed her along. The sick thing was that I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the pain.

I had tried to leave her before, but she had shown up at my doorstep, telling me she needed me. I took her back because I didn’t know what else to do. She was like something I couldn’t give up. I was addicted to the pain that she caused in my heart. I wanted her to feel the same as me, but I could never understand what was going through her thoughts.

My cat jumped onto the bed, pulling me out of my thoughts. He purred as he scratched his head on the side of the brown box. I watched him do this until there was a knock on the door. I knew who it was before I opened the door to see the dirty blonde with brown eyes.

“Alcide, I want to talk,” Karen started, but she couldn’t make herself continue.

I stepped aside to let her in. I pointed to the few bags in the corner. “I have your stuff packed. There’s another box in the bedroom. I’ll go get it.”

I didn’t acknowledge her first comment. I was done for now, and I needed time to kick this addiction. She was still standing in front of the closed door when I came back into the room with the last box. She watched me set it on the couch. I knew she wasn’t going to leave with that determined look on her face.

“Alcide, we seriously need to talk,” she tried again.

“About what?” I asked, staring at her. I didn’t want this to happen right now.

“About us. I love you, and it pains me to see you hurt.” Karen’s eyes searched mine, trying to find something.

“You’re the one who caused it. You say stuff like this all time. You even say that you won’t do it again, and then the next day I see you hooking up with another guy,” I barked at her. “I leave you, and then you just show up at my doorstep again.”

She looked at me, thinking off what she wanted to say. She opened her mouth to say something, but she stopped. We were left in a few minutes of silence. The only sound was coming from the cat, walking on the tile floor.

“I need you,” she cried. “I just don’t know how to handle my feelings.”

“You say that, but where do I stand in your little life? Am I just the stable guy that you need? Or can you just not commit to one guy?” I questioned.

I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know what was going through her thoughts, but she was becoming distant. She was close enough for me to touch her, but I wasn’t quite close enough to get her to open up to me. I could see that she was hiding something from me. Something big. I just couldn’t quite tell what it was.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispered. “I’m happier with you in my life.”

“You can’t mean that,” I argued. “You’ve said that before, and this always ends up badly.”

She shook her head. Her eyes scanned my face for the millionth time since she walked into my room. The way she looked at me, made me want to pull her into my arms, and let this pain get worse to make her happy. I just couldn’t give her what she wanted. As much as I needed the pain, I needed to be rid of it.

She sighed, and she grabbed her boxes and took them out to her car. I watched as she drove off down the quiet street. I slowly brushed off the feelings of what I felt for her. I was done with Karen for good. I was going to find a girl who stay at my side and not make me wonder where she was at.

I went in to my house and cried for the part of me that still loved Karen. I never realized that I loved her. I had thought it was the pain that I was in love with. I cried because I needed to brush off these feelings. They had to be gone.

Eventually, I pulled myself off the couch and walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror at myself. My face was tear-stained, and my eyes were red around the edges. They looked more like the ocean, and I laughed because I had never seen them that blue. They were always the dull blue that I had grown used to. I wished that they would stay that blue, and when I checked the next day, my eyes were that bright blue.