An Ocean Not to Break
Sleep
In the end, she does call him. He told her that she could, that it was something cops – friends – did for each other. But she has worked so hard not to become something she despises, that calling him would be nothing short of defeat. But it’s just one of those nights, when she can’t sleep because the memory of Jankowski’s body shows its ugly face every time she closes her eyes.
So she sits on her couch with the phone in hand for almost an hour before pressing “call”. She’s never made it this far before, and she has absolutely no idea what to say. Her hands are clammy and cold from nerves as she listens to the dial tone. He could be at home, asleep next to his wife. He should be at this hour. Just as she realizes this and is about to hang up, the phone clicks and she hears his voice.
“Joel Stevens speaking.”
His voice is tired but not heavy with sleep as she imagined it would be.
“Joel?... Hi, it’s me.” She hardly recognizes her own voice, and she suddenly feels like slapping herself. ‘It’s me’? Like he’s supposed to know her voice just like that.
“Teresa?” She tries not to think that he’s smiling, but something in his voice tells her he is. Then, concern as he says: “Is something wrong?”
“No! No, I just…” she hurriedly says, “... I couldn’t sleep. And I thought… well, you said I could call, so…”
“Oh yeah, I did, right. Hang on, just a sec…”
There is a sudden change in the background noise, and she can hear a door closing.
“There. I’m all yours.”
Trying her best not to think about Joel being all hers, she says:
“I’m sorry for calling you so late, I didn’t realize the time.”
“That’s okay. I’m still at work.”
“Big case?”
“Yeah, it’s making us all pull double shifts.”
“Oh.”
There is a moment’s awkward silence in which Teresa seriously doubts her sanity. Then, Joel draws for breath before settling for:
“So… how’s training? Finished with the shooting team?”
“Yeah, all done. A few weeks ago, actually.”
“You passed, then?”
“Yeah, I did.”
She is sure he’s smiling now, and congratulates her. Somehow, it means so much more hearing that from Joel. She knows he wasn’t all happy about her joining the academy at first, and to be honest, she understood him. Especially since she hadn’t told anyone about it, and she supposed it was so far from their view of her, the paramedic meant to save people. So when Joel tells her he thinks she’ll make a good cop she can’t help but smile.
“So why is it you can’t sleep?” he asks suddenly, in a serious tone of voice, and she is reminded that she called him for a reason. “Jankowski?”
“... Yeah.”
Joel sighs. “I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you it’ll get easier, but it won’t. And that’s probably good. I’d be worried if you weren’t okay, actually.”
“Yeah, I suppose. Thanks.”
Then there is this wave of self-loathing washing over her, from nowhere. What is she doing? It’s been like this for so long now. Joel is always there, if not in physical form then in her mind. He’s married and happy and she’s calling him in the middle of the night.
“Look, Joel, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”
Any other person might have been confused by her sudden outburst, but Joel understands. He always does.
“But I’m glad you did.”
“I just had to talk to someone, you know?” A part of her wants to tell her what she’s thinking, that it was really just him she wanted to talk to, but that would be a violation of their carefully planned unspoken rules and a direct danger to the thin line they’re more often than not close to crossing.
“It’s okay. And I’m happy to be that someone. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
On his end there is the sound of the door opening again, and she hears Fearless’ voice in the background and Joel saying “give me a minute” before the door closes again.
“Hey, I gotta go, there’s been a breakthrough.”
She desperately wants to talk to him more, but is not sure what more there is to say.
“Alright”, she says. “Good luck. Thanks for… not being asleep.”
Joel chuckles and she smiles despite herself.
“Anytime. Take care of yourself, Teresa.”
“You too.”
He doesn’t hang up immediately, and she knows it’s because he likes to talk to her just as much as she likes to hear his voice, but there’s that line again. The one that says cheating with big black letters. So she snaps her phone shut and stares at it for a whole minute, going through the conversation in her head.
Being with Joel is kind of like a drug, and even though she’s never tried anything worse than pot in her life she can relate to nicotine addicts and junkies. She has tried but she can’t get rid of him, and there’s a large part of her that doesn’t want to.
She thinks about Dwight sometimes, tries to remember him, but his face is never as clear as Joel’s in her mind. And she’s ashamed of that, because she was close to Dwight, closer to him that she’s ever been with Joel. There is no tangible reason for her to be able to see Joel’s face at will, and recall his touch almost as if it has just happened, when she can’t even remember how Dwight looked when he smiled.
It’s almost light outside when she finally falls asleep, after three hours of citing the mantra she’s had with her since she realized Joel was so much more than a friend to her.
He’s a married man. He’s a married man. He’s a married man.
-
“Who were you talking to?”
Fearless is waiting for him outside the locker room. For a brief moment Joel can hear himself lying to his partner. He could tell him he was talking to his wife, that it was Kelly who had trouble sleeping and not Teresa. But if he did, Fearless would see right through it. And Joel has no reason to lie anyway, right?
“Teresa. She couldn’t sleep.”
“Mhm.”
Joel throws Fearless a sideways glance as they walk down the corridor.
“She was wound up about Jankowski. It really got to her.”
Fearless nods. “Yeah, it always does, I suppose. Especially your first.”
They stop outside one of the interrogation rooms where the kidnapper they’ve spent the better part of the week chasing is sitting. Tom and Ray just brought him in.
Joel can feel his partner’s eyes on him. He can never be sure how much Fearless knows or how he’s figured it out, but for now he stays silent. And when Joel opens the door their only focus is the criminal at hand.
So she sits on her couch with the phone in hand for almost an hour before pressing “call”. She’s never made it this far before, and she has absolutely no idea what to say. Her hands are clammy and cold from nerves as she listens to the dial tone. He could be at home, asleep next to his wife. He should be at this hour. Just as she realizes this and is about to hang up, the phone clicks and she hears his voice.
“Joel Stevens speaking.”
His voice is tired but not heavy with sleep as she imagined it would be.
“Joel?... Hi, it’s me.” She hardly recognizes her own voice, and she suddenly feels like slapping herself. ‘It’s me’? Like he’s supposed to know her voice just like that.
“Teresa?” She tries not to think that he’s smiling, but something in his voice tells her he is. Then, concern as he says: “Is something wrong?”
“No! No, I just…” she hurriedly says, “... I couldn’t sleep. And I thought… well, you said I could call, so…”
“Oh yeah, I did, right. Hang on, just a sec…”
There is a sudden change in the background noise, and she can hear a door closing.
“There. I’m all yours.”
Trying her best not to think about Joel being all hers, she says:
“I’m sorry for calling you so late, I didn’t realize the time.”
“That’s okay. I’m still at work.”
“Big case?”
“Yeah, it’s making us all pull double shifts.”
“Oh.”
There is a moment’s awkward silence in which Teresa seriously doubts her sanity. Then, Joel draws for breath before settling for:
“So… how’s training? Finished with the shooting team?”
“Yeah, all done. A few weeks ago, actually.”
“You passed, then?”
“Yeah, I did.”
She is sure he’s smiling now, and congratulates her. Somehow, it means so much more hearing that from Joel. She knows he wasn’t all happy about her joining the academy at first, and to be honest, she understood him. Especially since she hadn’t told anyone about it, and she supposed it was so far from their view of her, the paramedic meant to save people. So when Joel tells her he thinks she’ll make a good cop she can’t help but smile.
“So why is it you can’t sleep?” he asks suddenly, in a serious tone of voice, and she is reminded that she called him for a reason. “Jankowski?”
“... Yeah.”
Joel sighs. “I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you it’ll get easier, but it won’t. And that’s probably good. I’d be worried if you weren’t okay, actually.”
“Yeah, I suppose. Thanks.”
Then there is this wave of self-loathing washing over her, from nowhere. What is she doing? It’s been like this for so long now. Joel is always there, if not in physical form then in her mind. He’s married and happy and she’s calling him in the middle of the night.
“Look, Joel, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”
Any other person might have been confused by her sudden outburst, but Joel understands. He always does.
“But I’m glad you did.”
“I just had to talk to someone, you know?” A part of her wants to tell her what she’s thinking, that it was really just him she wanted to talk to, but that would be a violation of their carefully planned unspoken rules and a direct danger to the thin line they’re more often than not close to crossing.
“It’s okay. And I’m happy to be that someone. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know.”
On his end there is the sound of the door opening again, and she hears Fearless’ voice in the background and Joel saying “give me a minute” before the door closes again.
“Hey, I gotta go, there’s been a breakthrough.”
She desperately wants to talk to him more, but is not sure what more there is to say.
“Alright”, she says. “Good luck. Thanks for… not being asleep.”
Joel chuckles and she smiles despite herself.
“Anytime. Take care of yourself, Teresa.”
“You too.”
He doesn’t hang up immediately, and she knows it’s because he likes to talk to her just as much as she likes to hear his voice, but there’s that line again. The one that says cheating with big black letters. So she snaps her phone shut and stares at it for a whole minute, going through the conversation in her head.
Being with Joel is kind of like a drug, and even though she’s never tried anything worse than pot in her life she can relate to nicotine addicts and junkies. She has tried but she can’t get rid of him, and there’s a large part of her that doesn’t want to.
She thinks about Dwight sometimes, tries to remember him, but his face is never as clear as Joel’s in her mind. And she’s ashamed of that, because she was close to Dwight, closer to him that she’s ever been with Joel. There is no tangible reason for her to be able to see Joel’s face at will, and recall his touch almost as if it has just happened, when she can’t even remember how Dwight looked when he smiled.
It’s almost light outside when she finally falls asleep, after three hours of citing the mantra she’s had with her since she realized Joel was so much more than a friend to her.
He’s a married man. He’s a married man. He’s a married man.
-
“Who were you talking to?”
Fearless is waiting for him outside the locker room. For a brief moment Joel can hear himself lying to his partner. He could tell him he was talking to his wife, that it was Kelly who had trouble sleeping and not Teresa. But if he did, Fearless would see right through it. And Joel has no reason to lie anyway, right?
“Teresa. She couldn’t sleep.”
“Mhm.”
Joel throws Fearless a sideways glance as they walk down the corridor.
“She was wound up about Jankowski. It really got to her.”
Fearless nods. “Yeah, it always does, I suppose. Especially your first.”
They stop outside one of the interrogation rooms where the kidnapper they’ve spent the better part of the week chasing is sitting. Tom and Ray just brought him in.
Joel can feel his partner’s eyes on him. He can never be sure how much Fearless knows or how he’s figured it out, but for now he stays silent. And when Joel opens the door their only focus is the criminal at hand.