Stealing Glances

April 2014

“So, Jamison…” Dr. Keller said, looking at her as she took a seat on the couch across from him. “How have you been?”

“Alright.” She nodded, crossing her legs. “Been busy with work…”

“I know work is taking up most of your time but how are you?” He asked, rephrasing the question.

“It’s been what 3 weeks since we started these sessions? I come here 3 times a week and we talk…” Jamison mused, “I started coming here cause Jake found me crying in my bathroom with my phone shattered to pieces because John kept calling me without saying anything. Truth be told, the feeling of ‘what-if’ plagues me…” She admitted, letting out a small sigh.

It had been another night in Australia during Jake’s visit, the two were drinking Jameson excessively before Jamison had excused herself to go to the bathroom. Far too much time had passed before Jake went in front of the bathroom door to check if Jamison was okay.

“Jae—“ Jake said, through the door. “You’ve been in there awhile, I’m going to come in…” He began opening the door slowly as he saw Jamison sitting next to the bathtub in silent tears.

“Make it stop.” She mumbled.

“Jae…” Jake said, crouching down and holding her into his arms. “What’s wrong?”

“Make it stop.” She repeated, as Jake looked inside the bathtub to see her phone shattered into pieces.

Jake recalled Jamison telling him John had been calling her without saying a word. He knew it had been eating up inside of her and making her feel insane.

“You’re okay… you’re going to be okay.” He said, pulling her into a tighter embrace.

“Is John still calling?”

“He still calls… says nothing.” She answered, letting out a sigh.

“Why do you answer?” He asked, giving her a blank look as he listened intently.

“I think it’s for the same reason that he calls…” Jamison admitted, “It’s the only way to keep each other in our lives… it’s like the last thread.”

“You and John were friends before you were together. Do you guys think you can be friends ever again?”

“I miss our friendship so much… that was the basis to us and sometimes I wish we could go back to when we were just friends. It all just seemed much more simple then…” She said, “But I don’t know…” She shook her head thinking about the idea.

“Would that be enough for you? To be just friends again if you were given the chance?” Dr. Keller asked, curiously watching Jamison zone out into her own world.

It had been the last few days of recording for “Forever Halloween” and the days in the studio were being spent doing additional vocals and things. Pat, Kennedy, and John were in the booth doing claps and stomps for “Take What You Can Carry” but Pat had been fumbling take after take.

“Oh come on Pat, you’re on drums and you can’t get down these claps?!” Jamison yelled, jokingly. “You’re killing me smalls.”

“I got this.” Pat said, laughing through the booth.

“Let’s do this guys!” John said, in a jokingly yet encouraging manner trying to boost morale.

It was the night before the last day of recording then the band and Jamison would leave the day after to start the mini tour on their way to heading back home to Arizona.

“Tomorrow is our last day here.” John mused, taking a sip of beer as he sat on the patio furniture hanging out with Jamison doing their daily late night talks.

“That it is… can you believe it’s been almost 2 months?” Jamison asked, feeling like time had gone by within a blink of an eye.

“It feels like just yesterday. I can’t still remember meeting you for the first time.” He looked over at Jamison to see her chuckle before taking a sip of her beer.

“You were like, “Nope. Not that girl. She’s not touching our album…” or something like that.” She teased, causing John to laugh.

“I did not…” He said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck.

“I’m going to miss this…” She said, “You know, just conversing with you…” She looked over at him with a smile.

“I am too.” He smiled. “What will I do now?” He said, teasingly causing her to chuckle.

“You’ll survive.” Jamison smiled, looking back towards the backyard.

“Surviving and living are two different things that don’t always simultaneously happen.” John reasoned, causing Jamison to nod her head in agreement.

“True.”

“I just want to thank you… for everything. The album, these talks, your friendship… it means the world to me.” He said, sincerely knowing that his words were lacking but hoped his sincerity shined through.

“It’s nothing…” Jamison smiled, looking over at him.

“It’s everything to me.” John said, looking at her with all the honesty and genuineness he could muster in his eyes and voice.

“I can’t say that’ll be enough for me…” Jamison admitted, shaking her head. “I got to experience beyond that with him. How could I just go back to being friends with him?”

“If John were here right now and asked you if it was worth it? How would you respond?” Dr. Keller asked, jotting down a few things onto a notepad.

“At this point, I would say… it isn’t worth it.” She confessed.

“How do you know you love John?”

“I know the difference between how I feel about John and how I feel about everyone else.” Jamison began, “There is always going to be that distinct difference. I feel like you only meet a few people in life who really just somehow get you on a level that is just unexplainable. John really was one of those people, I mean Matt, Brendon, Butch, Jake, and everyone they are almost everything to me. But something was always unexplainable about John, he had some sort of weird magic—challenging me, helping me just expand my horizons and outlook, nothing seemed idealized with him… he came silently into my life but not peacefully.”

“Do you think you guys are fated?” Dr. Keller asked.

“I don’t know about that but I felt like we didn’t have enough time and it all ended too soon. You know John may be my first love and only person I’ve been with and there’s that whole saying that the magic of your first love is our ignorance that it’ll never end.” She shrugged. “But I never felt that with John… I never felt like it wasn’t going to end.”

“Did you feel like it would end?” He looked at her curiously.

“Not exactly… but I always felt myself wondering when it would and I think that became the only thought I knew. So when this opportunity came, I thought it was some sort of sign that things should end. The whole fear of what it could become—what if it became something bigger? The fear of resentment for holding one another back… all of that just came into my head. So when the chance came, I took it before anything got too big.” She explained.

“But do you think it was fair to you or John to just end things without even trying?”

“No, it wasn’t…” Jamison said, “But I never said I wasn’t selfish…”

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John kept tossing and turning in his bed, building up sweat, and not peacefully sleeping at night. A recurring dream he once had years ago began plaguing his mind once again.

“If you have had one; tell me about a recurring dream you once had that you’ve never told anyone about for whatever reason.”

“I think I never told anyone about this cause I still never been able to make sense of it… to this day.” John said, as he began to collect his thoughts hoping it would make sense. “It was during I guess what we can call my “rock star” phase. It was when the shit with Warner happened after ‘Black and White’ was released… we were all kind of worried with what was going to happen to us—as a band, as people, and I acted out a bit by drinking excessively and sleeping with the occasional acquaintance—which I will say I am not proud of but I’ve learned and grown since then…” He said almost in a panicking tone, as he was partially defending himself.

“No judgment here.” She put up her hands looking at him then gestured him to continue with his story.

“But for a few weeks while I acted like a dumbass—feeling just so empty, not even scared of the unknown and what was going to happen with the band... just empty for some reason, I had these recurring dreams and I don’t know what they were exactly about. But I was sitting in a chair blindfolded and this girl just comes up from behind me, starts speaking, and placing her hand over my heart… I don’t know what’s she saying exactly, just in another language of some sort but all I feel is comfort from her words. Even though, I have no idea what she’s saying and I just don’t feel empty anymore and all the scars I had are healed. I feel okay and… loved. But she takes off my blindfold and I turn around and she’s gone and I wake up.” John explained, as his eyes drifted off and he was getting lost in his own thoughts.

“That sounds intense.”

“For some reason, ever since then… I feel like said dream girl has taken a part of my heart and run off with it.” He chuckled sheepishly, “And that I have to find her to have to be whole again… but I haven’t dreamt of her since then. And now, I feel crazy even telling you this.” He admitted nervously running his hand through his hair before taking another shot.

“Not at all…” She shook her head, unaffectedly looking at him. “So, does that make you a believer in soul mates and fate?”

“To an extent… I like the idea that there’s one person out there just for me. But I also know it also takes work to keep it together. It’s not just ‘bam, we’re set for life when we meet’ kind of ordeal.” He explained, watching her refill his shot glass. “What about you do you believe in soul mates, fate, or is it all just a happy coincidence?”

“I believe in fate— it’s nice to think that you’re meant to meet someone or do something. But I believe getting there is all by choice.” She said, with a smile.

John always got to the point of the dream where he now saw the back of the dream girl’s head and from behind she reminded him of Jamison.

“Jamison?” John called out.

And just when the dream girl was about to turn around, he would always wake up.

Another night and the same thing happened, John looked at his phone to see the time being 4AM. Every night after he would have said dream he would call Jamison without saying anything.

“John…” Jamison answered with a sigh.

He didn’t say a word. But Jamison always said something.

“I wonder if you know how much you mean to me… your existence and just entire being. I should have known falling in love with you wasn’t something I could just walk away from in one piece. I had no chance…” She chuckled sheepishly. “I miss you more than I can bear at times.” She admitted, feeling silent tears roll down her face.

John continued to stay silent feeling his heart break into a million more pieces which he didn’t think was possible.

“But I chose this path and I’m going to stick with it. So, I’m going to stop answering from now on… it’s not fair to either of us. You deserve so much more than this… than me.” She said, “I love you but I’m going to let go… goodbye John.” She hung up.

“I’m holding loose but I’m not letting go.” He said, into the phone knowing no one but himself could hear his words.