Stealing Glances

John and Jamison had gotten on better terms since the night on the roof. It hadn’t been like they were best friends skipping down the venue halls together but they could now be in the same room without tension overflowing between the two. One thing from that night that plagued John’s mind was not getting an answer for his question. But he felt like he knew what her answer would be he knew Jamison Song doesn’t have regrets she just lives life.

John had been outside about to walk in for to head to the dressing rooms till Jamison and Brendon burst through the doors, more specifically Brendon chasing after Jamison like it a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

“John, you gotta grab Jae! She’s a dead woman.” Brendon yelled running as Jamison and him ran in circles.

“I didn’t take your damn granola bars Brendon!” She yelled sounding completely out of breath stopping from a moment but still dodging Brendon.

“Then what were you eating?!”

“I was eating yogurt with granola already in it!” She explained throwing her hands in surrender.

“Lies!” Brendon screamed as he ran over to Jamison and threw her over his shoulder. “Off with your head!” He began spinning her around.

“No! Brendon…” she tried to hit his back as she fell into a fit of laughter. “Put me down…” she whined as he continued to spin them around.

“Not until you tell me the truth.”

“I am telling the truth…” She pleaded trying to catch her breath from the laughter and yelling.

Brendon cackled. “Who is your favorite person on this tour?”

“You are…” She mumbled.

“I can’t hear you.” He said in a singsong voice and he went a little faster with his spins.

“You are!” Jamison screamed as John watched holding back a few fits of laughs at the two.

Brendon set Jamison down as she tried to find her balance again before falling into another fit of laughter before hugging Brendon.

“Good girl…” Brendon pinched her cheeks as she whined and pushed his hands away. “I am going to go look for the culprit who stole my snacks now.” He said walking off like the last few minutes hadn’t even happened giving John a high five before walking back into the venue.

Jamison walked over to John and shook her head seeing the smirk upon his face. “Way to not help John…” She joked as she side eyed him causing him to chuckle.

“Just so fun to watch…” John teased giving her a nonchalant shrug.

She clutched her chest pretending to be touched by his words. “Thanks… just thanks.”

“Always.” He smiled causing her to laugh.

“I gotta go do some stuff but behave yourself. Don’t save anyone when they’re being harassed. Be horrible! Basically be yourself!” She called out teasingly with her back turned as she walked back into the arena without looking back at him giving him a wave.

“Oh, I will!” He called out happily as a smirk formed upon his face.

Jamison walked back into her dressing room as Peter was waiting for her to film with her. She realized without even knowing how slowly John and her were falling back into the banter they once had, not just being polite to one another. She didn’t know how she exactly felt about the whole thing but she knew it wasn’t an unwelcomed thing that was happening.

“Jae, are you ready?” Peter asked as she began clipping her microphone to the collar of her shirt.

She nodded taking a seat in front of the camera. “Sure, let’s do this.”

“Did the songs just pour out of you when you were creating the album? What was the whole process like?” He asked curiously as he watched her think of an answer.

“I did a lot of co-writes before doing this album and there was this huge shift and difference when I wrote then and how I wrote when I was making the album.”

“In what ways?”

“Before I wrote from emotions with thoughts I had about the idea of certain things because I hadn’t experienced them and when I wrote the record it was pure emotions from what I had experienced, it became a lot more easier for me to write and I was honest with myself and that was just really daunting and cathartic,” She explained. “As for songs pouring out of me, it was more like thoughts did and those thoughts turned into songs cause it was the only way I could really express them since just the words I had didn't seem like enough… another part was music was like a language that I spoke with that person—it was our way of speaking to one another even if we did have all the words…” she looked down at her hands giving a weak smile before looking back at Peter.

“Was it hard recording some of the songs, emotionally or just musically?”

She chuckled sheepishly. “I’m not going to lie, I cried one too many times in the studio while recording this album. Bless everyone involved who had to deal with the mess that was me,” she joked nodding her head.

Brendan, Butch, Jake, and Jamison had been in the studio all day working on another potential track for Jamison’s album. It had only been about 3 weeks since Jamison had gotten back from being overseas and within the first few days she was already back at work producing as well as potentially making her own album of sorts.

It was another late night in Butch’s studio in Santa Monica, they had the earlier part of the evening tracking demos and reworking songs. They were now laying down the vocals for the song “The Ocean” they could all see the exhaustion in Jamison’s eyes but no one had said a word knowing this was how she was dealing with things—throwing herself in work.

“Let’s just do the second chorus again.” Butch said through the intercom from the control room.

“Alright.” Jamison said, with a nod while adjusting her headphones.

“Whenever you’re ready.” Jake said, as he watched for Jamison’s signal to start the track.

“You come over unannounced.
Silence broken by your voice in the dark.
I need you here tonight
Just like the ocean needs the waves.”

She closed her eyes and just sang the words as a wave of emotion washed through Jamison. She sang those lines thinking back to when John had come to her place the night before she was leaving and the last few moments they had ever shared with one another. She felt tears forming behind her closed eyes.

“Fall around me now. Like stars that shine and brighten the way.” She sang as tears began falling from her eyes. “I need you here tonight. Just like this night it needs the rain.”

She began sobbing the last line before falling to her knees and breaking into more tears. Jake, Butch, and Brendan immediately stopped recording and ran into the live room and crowded around her.

“I don’t have much hope left.” Jamison admitted through her tears as she continued crying on the floor.

Butch placed a hand on her shoulder as he felt his own break a little seeing her in such a state. “Borrow ours…” He said simply.

Brendan crotched down and began wiping a few of her tears. “For however long…”

“Everything we have is yours.” Jake said, getting on his knees and pulling her into a hug.

“Actually there’s a moment in the song “Love Love Love” you know, where there’s that silent break? I had a moment where I was about to breakdown and cry,” she continued with a nod.

Peter looked at her surprised. “Really?”

“I got through the verse and chorus before Butch stopped me… he decided to keep it in instead of slicing the take. I think it was a good move just adds sincerity and honestly… I think you can feel how I felt during that time.” She answered as her gaze drifted off thinking back to the moment she was speaking of.

Jamison was in the recording booth as Butch told her to run through the vocal track once more to take the best parts to piece together. She sang through the song perfectly till she got to the last verse and chorus.

“So I think it's best we both forget before we dwell on it…” she sang before pausing and turning her head away from the microphone, breathing heavily to keep herself composed.

“Should we stop?” Jake asked, as he got up from his seat ready to run in.

“Give her a minute…” Butch said holding Jake back and keeping his eyes on Jamison.

The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'Till it was near morning

'Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love

Jamison put her hand over her mouth as she began silently crying as she felt her heart get heavy-- this had been too much for her to do, she wasn’t sure if she could do it without falling apart or even if she would make it in one piece.

“Stop the take,” Butch motioned to Jake before running into the booth. “Jae, talk to me…” he pulled her into an embrace and she began sobbing into his chest.

“Why does it still hurt? It’s supposed to get easier… why isn’t it getting easier?” She asked through her tears, she thought this seemed like a weird cruel way to torture herself.

He pulled her closer rubbing her back soothingly. “It’s okay… you’re going to be okay.”

“I-I- can’t do this…”

“Find the strength… you need to do this.”

“So, how did you get through with making the album with it being so difficult?” He asked looking at his notes filled with questions.

“Even though I wasn’t with that person anymore and I didn’t see them… I somehow just felt like I needed them to know how I felt about it all. With that, I think I found some kind of strength to hold me together to make this record,” she gave a weak smile. “I got to relive through a lot of great memories and in a sense, I got to just keep this person with me in someway. I think that’s what got me through it, this was a way to keep this person in my life in some way that wasn’t just memories in my head.” She gave another weak smile before turning her head to the side.

After filming and playing the show, everyone decided to head out for drinks. Jamison decided to not partake in the festivities and spend the night in, she had walked to the liquor store not too far from the hotel to grab some snacks before having a date with Netflix. Much to her surprise, she walked in the store to see John

“John…” she said not knowing what else to say.

“You didn’t go out tonight?” John asked surprised seeing her standing in front of him.

“Nope, I just wanted to stay in and just… be.” She chuckled sheepishly. “What about you? I’m sure Brendon is devastated,” she teased.

John chuckled. “I was just on—“ He stopped himself wondering if it was safe to say. “Molly called.” He simply answered.

“You guys seem really good for each other,” she smiled. “I’m happy for you.”

He saw the genuine look in her eyes. “Thanks.” He chuckled sheepishly. “What about you? Surely the great Jamison Song has dated a boy since the last time I saw you…”

“Nope, I told you no in every possible way.” she chuckled as she shook her head. “Too busy with work… it’s all I know how to do right.” She joked.

“Work dork.” He teased causing her to laugh in disbelief.

She clutched her chest in mock pain. “God, such hurtful nicknames,” she joked letting out another laugh.

“Awww, are Jamison’s feelings hurt?” John cooed patting her head as she chuckled.

“Hardly.”

“Come on, we should head back to the hotel. I don’t like the idea of you walking alone at night in a city we barely know.” John said not even thinking about what he was saying to her.

“It’s a 10 minute walk.” She said trying to assure him she was fine going back on her own.

“Still, come on. Buy what you want and we’ll walk back together,” he said as she just shook her head not wanting to argue knowing she wouldn't win.

After buying what they needed, the two walked back in silence—the comfortable silence they once had without saying anything besides just walking side by side. They got to the hotel and John had insisted to walk her back to her door. The two got off the elevator and got in front of Jamison’s door.

“Thanks for the walk back, but I assure you I am not worth mugging or kidnapping.” She sheepishly chuckled taking out of key card.

“No problem… and don’t be too sure about that.” He gave her a grin causing her to laugh.

“Why would you?” She countered not even realizing or worrying about what she had said to him.

He chuckled before breaking out into a smile. “Totally,” he teased causing her to also smile.

“Good to know, I’ll watch my back around you.” She said before putting her key card in to open the door.

“Jamison?”

She turned around to look at him. “Yeah?”

John placed a hand on her shoulder. “Good night.” He said before walking off.

Jamison stood there confused for a moment before she walked into her hotel room. She threw her bag onto the bed before taking out her journal and looked through it—some words she had written that became songs, others just thoughts, and some being a mix of not yet a song but not just a thought. One particularly had stood out to her, something she hadn’t looked back on since she had written the mere four lines.

Sooner surrender
Then watch the last wall collapse
And sooner surrender
And our love will count for everything

She looked down at her journal at the bits and pieces of lyrics she had written, this particular bit had been written during her time in Australia when she was first writing what was to become “Your Favorite Song”. Ever since John and her had gotten on better terms, tour had become much more fluid and easy for everyone involved. The two were somehow just falling back into place of the comfort and ease they once had and that was something Jamison had never imagined happening, but it was like second nature for the two. It always had been since the day they met when he stumbled out onto the patio when they were recording “Forever Halloween”.

She thought back to the first song she’d ever written about John, it had been before they were dating. Specifically, it was when they had become close and they had decided to go on a road trip with Halvo and Nick to LA. She had spent an afternoon with Nick writing and recording in the studio together and no one had ever known where the inspiration for Jamison’s words came from. But it had been about John.

“So, I have a base of a song and I’m thinking about making this a duet and I don’t know how to go about it.” Nick said as he had an acoustic guitar strapped to him, he began playing her a recording on his phone for her to show her what he had so far.

And your eyes look like coming home
All I know is a simple name
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
You'll be mine and I'll be yours
All I know since yesterday is everything has changed

And all my walls stood tall painted blue
And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you

Jamison listened to the song intently. “I think I can work with this…”

She sat and listened to the song again and hummed the melody while trying to think of ways to go about the song. She went through memories trying to find something that felt closest to what words Nick had written. She kept thinking back to the lines, “And all my walls stood tall painted blue. And I'll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you.”

Suddenly for some reason when she first met John came through her mind—the first time they met to the first time they talked in the back patio. From the first day she knew for some odd reason she wanted to get to know the thoughts that went through his head, it was this weird unexplainable thing… but she knew when she met him she hoped and wanted to get to know him better during their time recording the record together.

She began scribbling on the paper with much fluidity as inspiration surged through her hand.

“I think I got something for you,” she said handing Nick the paper she had scribbled upon.

All I knew this morning when I woke
Is I know something now, know something now I didn't before.
And all I've seen since eighteen hours ago
Is green eyes and freckles and your smile
In the back of my mind making me feel like

I just wanna know you better, just wanna know you better now.

Nick read the paper and a light bulb went off in his brain. “We can make the “I just wanna know better” part and go into the chorus. This is great,” he said excitedly. “How did you even come up with this verse?”

She smiled giving him a shrug. “Just came to me.”

“I think we can finish this before Halvo and John come back later… let’s try and do it.”

She thought about how John was happy now with Molly and in turn, she was happy for him but at the same time she wasn’t sure how happy she could completely be for him. She looked down at her journal and began writing.

I wake reminded love
How I just gave up
And how you moved on, how you moved on

She stared at the words she had written from before and what she had just written. While she wasn’t sure where to go with the song but she knew with what line she wanted to end the possible song.

I missed when you were everything