Stealing Glances

April 2014

A lot of people had spent their mornings getting ready their day, maybe going to the gym before heading to work or school.

Jamison Song had recently started going to therapy before work to start her day.

The whole thing began when Jake had came to visit her a few weeks before, showing up in front of her doorstep completely unannounced—Jameson in one hand and a suitcase in the other. It had been a welcomed surprise but for unfortunate reasons, Jake had broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years.

The two spent that evening drinking Jameson (straight from the bottle) and talking about their past with one other, with others, and even writing together. The weeklong trip Jake had taken had been therapeutic and much needed but both knew once Jake had left Jamison would just be back to being by herself in a new country only working and maybe going out occasionally for a work function or if friends were in town playing a show.

Jake had suggested some form of outlet beyond work to get her thoughts and feelings in order—if Butch, Brendan, or he couldn’t be there. A certified stranger would have to make due for the time being.

And that’s how Dr. Keller came into the picture… 2 sessions and Jamison had let out her thoughts—childhood, suicide attempt, work life, relationships with parents, and John. But she hadn’t mentioned too much on him, the wounds seemed too fresh despite the time that had passed.

Jamison sat on the couch across from Dr. Keller, he always gave her a look that seemed like he was reading her mind and knew all her secrets. Somehow despite her short answers, he knew exactly what questions to follow up with but it was part of his paid skill set.

“So Jamison, how are you?” Dr. Keller asked, his notepad perched on his lap as he stared at her intently.

“I’m alright.” Jamison shook her head. “Work is insane… but it’s been interesting so far.” She folded her hands together and crossed her legs.

“After this you’ll be in Europe for tour, right?”

She shook her head again. “Right.”

“You have quite the busy schedule…”

“I am keeping busy.” Jamison said, giving a weak smile. “I always said to myself I wanted to learn everything about this world I work in—this is another side of it. It’s a bit different, more fast-paced, for a bigger audience, it’s all been a whirlwind but the experience has been good.”

“Have you had time to deal with moving here and just everything going on with your life?” He probed.

“I mean…. we’re all dealing with things—some days are better than others, some days aren’t, some days we don’t have space for others…”

“How do you feel today?”

“I don’t have space for others.” She admitted with a sheepish chuckle.

“We touched on your suicide attempt in our last session. You never mentioned why you did it.”

“I always thought when I tried to kill myself it’d be the permanent solution to the problem, but later I realized that problem was only temporary.” She began, “I didn’t really love life and lost myself till this job found me. The person that was in my head then wasn’t me.”

“Do you love your life now?” He asked, looking at her curiously.

“Occasionally I feel like you don’t love your life. You love things within your life—people, places, music, art, literature, food, and things.” Jamison said. “And sometimes you meet someone who needs all the love you have to give. So when you lose that person, you lose vital parts of yourself. You feel like everything else is going to stop but it doesn’t—life goes on, the things within life go on. So you continue to live life without a clear vision anymore because that one person you gave all your love to became the only clear thing and they’re gone.”

Dr. Keller looked surprised at her response, indirectly mentioning John. He wanted to dive deeper. “You think your life is unclear right now despite the fact you have so much going on right now?”

“I gave all the love I had to give… and now I’m without it.” She explained, “I gave my all without even realizing I did. Now it’s all unclear.”

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May 2014

John sat alone in his hotel room in Paris staring out the window—it was raining. He hadn’t excepted that, considering that he had chosen one of the better times to visit the city of love. But he began questioning himself and why he had decided to come here—did he like putting himself through emotional pain?

It had been 2 months since Jamison Song had left him and for two months he had been in work mode—sleep, eat, play show, meet fans, drink, sleep… repeat. Some days he would put on a façade of happiness that the guys wouldn’t question because they didn’t want to trigger any fights or feelings. And some days he would just be in his own head being quiet and distant—those days were the hardest for everyone.

But now he had some time off before going back on the road and decided to go to Paris… on the trip he had planned for Jamison and him to go on.

“You need a vacation.” He suggested causing Jamison to laugh.

“I just spent Christmas in Arizona.” She reasoned.

“You need a real one outside of this country.”

“Where to Mr. Travel Agent?” She asked as a smirk formed upon her face.

“We should make a trip out to Paris in the Spring. We don’t have any tour planned for around then cause we’re planning to do the entire run of Warped.” John suggested.

John had bought an umbrella from a street vendor and started walking around the city despite the weather. He walked around each place he had planned on taking Jamison to—to see the city through his eyes.

He stepped into a café near to take refuge from the rain and took a seat by the window to stare out at the pouring rain. After a few minutes mindlessly staring out the window, John took out his journal and began writing his stream of thoughts.

My heart is in the city of love
But it's raining in Paris
What good is a heart of gold
With nobody to share it with
It's coming down, it's coming down
My head can hardly bare it
My heart is in the city of love
But it's raining in Paris

So let it rain on me
See my heart's on fire
But I always got cold feet
Love never really did anything for me
Try telling that to this goddamn city
And if the storm should stop
I'd ask you to dance on some cliche mountain top
We'd share straws at your favorite coffee shop
But life it ain't no romance novel

He started out the window again up into the sky and wondered what Jamison was doing, where she was, and if she was as heartbroken as he was…

If John had only known down the street Jamison was sitting in a café staring out the window wondering the same thing, staring at the same sky.